Lethal Cruise: A Humorous Cruise Ship Cozy Mystery (Cruise Ship Cozy Mysteries Book 9)

by A. R. Winters

All of us turned when we heard a loud voice shouting through a megaphone.

  “Are we all here!? Are we all ready!? Then… Five, six, seven, eight…”

  A real smile appeared on Sam’s face, and on Cece’s too.

  I turned in the direction those two were staring and discovered the source of the megaphone voice and reason for my friends’ happy smiles.

  By the edge of the pool was a young man in speedos, megaphone in one hand, which was swinging through the air while he did jumping jacks. In the water in front of him, a gaggle of women were trying to mimic his moves in the swimming pool.

  “Who’s that?” asked Cece.

  “The new fitness instructor I told you about,” said Sam.

  “He’s an idiot,” said Shaun. “Dumb as a bag of rocks.”

  I tried to keep a straight face.

  “Is he?”

  “Oh yeah. You know, the other day, he sent me to the maintenance department to ask for skyhooks to stop the swimming floats from floating away.”

  “Skyhooks, huh?”

  “Yeah! Turns out there’s no such thing!” Shaun shook his head in disbelief. “Idiot.”

  The three of us tried and failed to keep straight faces.

  “Hands in the air! Come on everyone! And… clap! Clap, clap, clap…!”

  “Do you think we need to do some water aerobics?” Cece asked.

  “No way.” Cece raised her eyebrows at Sam’s rection of her plan. “I’m thinking more like personal training.”

  “I can give you personal training!” Shaun shouted.

  “We’re just kidding,” said Cece. “We work way too hard to have time for that.”

  “And punch like you’re Mike Tyson! One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four…”

  “Uh-huh,” Sam said, somehow managing to lean back even further in her chair without falling off.

  “So are you going to ask me more questions? About the body?”

  “I think we covered everything this morning, Shaun. You can just get on with your work for the time being.”

  He looked at me, disappointed.

  “Are you sure? I found the body. Doesn’t that give me, like, a motive?”

  “No, Shaun. That does not give you a motive. Quite the opposite, in fact.”

  “Well, if you do need to interview me, you know where to find me.” Shaun sounded disappointed. “You too, Sam,” he said hopefully.

  “Afraid not. Murder is Addy’s department.”

  “Murder is not my department. It’s social—”

  “—Just an expression,” she said with a wave of her hand. “Now, shush. Cece and I are studying workout moves.”

  “See you later, Shaun,” I said to the pool boy as he stood up to leave us. I felt rather sorry for him as he walked away.

  I poked Sam in the arm. “You could be a bit nicer.”

  “If I’m nicer, he’ll never stop crushing on me. Nope, you’ve got to be cruel to be kind.”

  “And cruel to be cruel, too,” Cece said helpfully.

  I joined Cece and Sam in studying the exercise moves being taught by the barely-dressed fitness instructor. Staring at his torso glistening with suntan lotion gave me an idea.

  “Maybe I should go and speak to those models.”

  Cece snorted.

  “Yeah, I bet they’re right at the top of your list.”

  “No! I just mean they might know something,” I said defensively.

  “Ooh, I’ve got an idea,” Cece said. “You should interview them in the sauna! I’ll come with!”

  “What? No! That’s a terrible idea. In a sauna? And no, you won’t. Murder’s my department, remember?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Did you know in Europe they don’t even wear—”

  “Good afternoon, ladies. Working hard?”

  We all looked up in surprise to see Ethan standing behind us.

  “You’ll have to finish filling me in about European saunas another time,” Ethan said. “Got a moment, Addy?”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ethan and I slipped away to another table while Sam and Cece kept up their diligent study of water aerobics.

  “Right,” I said, all business, once I was sure no-one else could eavesdrop on our conversation. “I spoke to Keith McDonald in catering, and I’ve also spoken to Jessie too…”

  I filled Ethan in with all that I had learned and we began to compare notes. When we were done, we got to talking about what our next move would be.

  “Did I hear you say you wanted to talk to Ruff and Gulley, next?”

  “It’s Tuff and Canyon,” I corrected, “and I thought it might be a good idea. Let’s see what they know about Bruno and find out why they were so fast to disappear when they saw him.”

  “Hmm…”

  “What?”

  “Maybe we should talk to Miffy first. What do you think? I have a feeling we might get something more useful out of her than those two bozos.”

  “I guess you might be right. Okay. Miffy it is then. Where do you think we might find her?”

  Ethan didn’t answer. Instead, he just smiled. I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “What?”

  “That’s another reason I thought we might talk to her next. She’s just over there.”

  I turned around and saw her off in the distance, on the other side of the Lagoon Pool. She was sitting up on a sun lounger, hand raised and shading her brow while she looked in our direction.

  “She’s looking at us.”

  “No, she isn’t. She’s looking at the same thing as your friends.”

  I rolled my eyes. Of course. In between us and Miffy was the new fitness trainer, still teaching his energetic students and drawing the gazes of half the people in the nearby area.

  “Come on.”

  When we arrived, Miffy greeted me with a smile. She nodded in the direction of the aqua aerobics class.

  “Swan does provide some excellent entertainment,” she said. She then raised her gaze to Ethan, who looked particularly radiant in his bright white uniform under the glare of the afternoon sun. “You must have a wonderful HR department.”

  I couldn’t help but giggle. “Oh, they’ve made a few mistakes in their time. But First Officer Ethan Lee isn’t one of them.”

  “Glad to hear you think so,” he said, amused.

  “So what can I do for you today?”

  “Last night, something happened.”

  “Go on…” Miffy placed the thick book that she had been holding with her free hand down on the ground beside her. She leaned back and adjusted the sun lounger so she could sit up.

  “We were keeping tabs on another customer who we were worried might be up to no good.”

  A knowing look crossed her face.

  “That’s why I got a call from the security office to check if I was all right, isn’t it?”

  “It is indeed. The man we were tracking followed you back to your room.”

  Miffy let out a long, slow sigh of annoyance accented with relief.

  “It was that man we met at the cocktail party, wasn’t it? Bruno.”

  “It was. He went to your room. Did you speak to him again?”

  “I did, unfortunately.” She frowned at the memory. “He’s a piece of work, that one. You should throw him off the ship.”

  Ethan and I looked at each other. She was joking about murdering him.

  “What did he say to you?”

  “He’s a blackmailer.”

  Ethan and I both leaned forward earnestly.

  “How do you know?”

  “Because, dear, he tried to blackmail me. And I’m sure I wasn’t the only one. He came to my room last night and knocked on my door. I’d been expecting someone else, so you can imagine my disappointment to see that conniving little—” she paused to get control of herself “—to see that man there. Get this. He tried to blackmail me by threatening to tell the Greenwood Historical Society that I’d been cavorting with young male models!”

  “Oh, really?�
��

  “Have you ever heard of such a thing? I mean, what nonsense.”

  “Why was it nonsense?” Ethan asked, slightly confused. “I must confess, Addy and I were at the cocktail bar last night. We saw you, err… talking to the gentlemen.”

  Miffy laughed.

  “Were you jealous, dear?” she said to me. Then she glanced at Ethan. “I guess not.” Miffy reached up and adjusted her sunhat to try and pull the brow a little lower over her head. “No, the reason it was a ridiculous blackmail plan was because I can assure you the ladies of the Greenwood Historical Society would have been delighted for me. They’d have thrown a gala in my honor.” She paused. “Well, maybe not that, but it certainly wouldn’t have done my reputation any harm.”

  “So he tried to blackmail you, but it failed?”

  “That’s about the size of it.” She looked downcast. “Though he did manage to scare off Tuff and Canyon though. They were supposed to come for a visit to keep an old lady company, but when they saw him sticking his beak in, they ran off.”

  “How terrible. Do you do a lot of cruising?”

  “Not yet, but I think I’m warming up to the idea. My dear departed husband refused to go on any kind of boat. Not even a little rowboat in a pond. But ever since he died, Bitsy, Essie, and Chastity have been trying to arrange a girls’ cruise together. And finally, we’ve done it! It’s been fun so far, even if Bruno did ruin my evening yesterday. Are you going to kick him off?”

  Ethan and I both did our best to look serious and Miffy’s cheerful demeanor fell.

  “Has… has something happened?”

  “Unfortunately, Bruno was found dead this morning. He won’t be blackmailing anyone else.”

  Miffy let out a long whistle. There was silence around us for a moment, though in the distance I could still hear the new trainer shouting out encouraging words to his class.

  “I guess if you spend your life ticking people off and threatening them, you’re bound to get your comeuppance sometime. He was murdered, I take it?”

  “That’s right. He was killed last night as far as we know.”

  “Did you catch the person who did it? It’s going to be someone he was trying to blackmail. You mark my words.”

  “That’s some helpful information you’ve given us. We’ll be trying to find out who else he was threatening. We’ve already got a few people in mind.”

  “Oh,” Miffy said, raising a hand and rubbing her chin.

  “What is it?” I asked her.

  “I suppose… I suppose I’m a suspect then, right? He tried to blackmail me.”

  I patted her on the knee. “But you couldn’t be blackmailed, remember? That lowers your motivation considerably.”

  “Oh,” she said again, looking crestfallen. “You know, I’ve never been in trouble before. Not with the law, anyway. Not once in my entire life. Not even a speeding ticket. Are you sure I’m not a suspect?”

  “We’re not ruling anyone out,” said Ethan to her.

  “Oh, good,” she said delightedly. “Wait ‘til I tell the girls that I’m a murder suspect! They’ll think it’s such a hoot!”

  I said, “Do you think you could keep it to yourself for now? We’d rather not let the other guests know that a murder was committed on board. Especially since we don’t have anyone in custody yet. We don’t want to cause a panic.”

  Miffy blew out a long breath and made disappointed noises.

  “I suppose I could. I’ll keep it to myself for now. It’ll give me a bit more time to make the story sound more exciting.”

  I laughed and gave her another pat on the knee.

  “If you think of anything else that might help us, please let us know right away. Who knows how many people he tried to blackmail?”

  “I’ll keep my ear to the ground!” She looked around at the deck. “I mean, I’ll keep my ear to the sea. Is that what we say on a cruise?”

  Laughing, I nodded at her and told her it was a fine saying.

  Ethan and I slowly walked around the circumference of the Lagoon Pool, talking in low voices.

  “She wants to be a suspect,” said Ethan, amused.

  “I know. And she’s not the only one. Shaun Anderson was the same. There must be something funny in the water.”

  “Phytox?”

  We both laughed, and our arms brushed against each other in the closest we would get to a PDA in daylight hours.

  “So now we know he was trying to blackmail people. It’s going to have to be one of his targets, isn’t it?”

  “You’d think so,” said Ethan. “But we do often get surprised, don’t we? We should talk to your models next.”

  “They’re not my models,” I said with a grin. “I think they’re Miffy’s.”

  “I’ve got to drop by the bridge and have a brief meeting with the captain. See if you can track them down, and send me a message when you do. I’ll make my excuses and come join you.”

  And so, camera at the ready just in case they were looking particularly photogenic, I went to track down my models.

  I mean, the models.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Tuff and Canyon, when I found them, had dire expressions on their faces as they got matching manicures. They were sitting in front of a large group of customers on an elevated platform, a camera trained on their hands and the image projected onto the big projector screen above them.

  This particular venue was one of the main beauty stations that had been set up for the cruise. In one corner, there was Parker the makeup artist with a small line of clients waiting on foldout chairs. In another corner, Michael Bobbins, providing consultations for his aesthetician clients, and finally at the front of the room was the manicurist Jen, working on Tuff and Canyon.

  I sent a message to Ethan to let him know where I was when I felt a nudging at my side. I turned and was surprised to see Kelly.

  “Look!” she said, pointing at her eyebrows.

  I squinted at them.

  “Did you get some new makeup?”

  “Better than that! I tattooed my eyebrows! Microblading! Do you want to see?” She shoved her face so close to mine I was worried she might break my nose with her small but solid-looking forehead. Luckily, I jerked back just in time.

  “Oh, neat. That’ll save some time on makeup in the mornings.”

  “Right?” She turned her head around the room. “What should I do next? Do you want to get a waxing together?”

  I shook my head rapidly. “I’m very busy today I’m afraid. We’re making real progress.”

  “Oh, did you speak to Nurse Jessica? Did she confess?”

  “Nope. I really don’t think it was her. Have you actually spoken to her at all? She’s lovely. I bet the real perpetrator was trying to frame her.”

  “But the captain thinks it could be her. We should listen to him.”

  “Should we?”

  “Oh, yes. You don’t get to be Captain without being very, very clever. And handsome.”

  “I’m not sure that’s—”

  Then I was interrupted by someone who, although not quite a captain yet, was indeed very handsome.

  “Hi, Ethan. Hey, do you think you got promoted because of your looks?”

  “My looks?” He gave me an odd look while Kelly giggled at him. “I think there’s a bit more to my resume than my looks. Speaking of which though, are they done?” He nodded his head toward the models.

  On the stage, Tuff and Canyon were now standing up while the small audience applauded them. They looked around nervously, as if not sure where to go. Finally, Jen the manicurist whispered something to them, and they both nodded before walking very carefully off the stage and climbing down.

  “Looks like they’re heading this way,” I said.

  “Can you take my picture with them?” asked Kelly.

  “Umm, sure. Those guys are going to be all over our social media.”

  When the two guys arrived, Kelly immediately latched onto them, asked and got permission
for a photograph, and got me back to work.

  “Guys?” I said to them when the photo session was done. They looked my way with pleasant smiles. “Do you think we could have a word with you in private?”

  Ethan and I said goodbye to Kelly, and led the two models out of the room, taking them to a secluded nearby lobby area with a couple of benches. We all sat down.

  “We need to ask you a few questions, there have been a couple of things that have happened aboard the ship that we’re trying to get to the bottom of.”

  The two men exchanged worried glances.

  “I’m not very good at questions,” said Tuff.

  “School isn’t really our thing,” said Canyon apologetically.

  “Not those kinds of questions. Just about what you’ve been up to on board.”

  The two guys’ eyes went wide.

  “Is it the ice cream?” Tuff asked.

  Canyon smacked his colleague on the knee. “I told you we shouldn’t risk it! I told you we’d be found out!”

  “This has nothing to do with ice cream,” Ethan said slowly and carefully so as not to confuse them further.

  “You didn’t tell Dana?” Canyon asked with concern.

  “Who’s Dana?” I asked.

  “Our manager. She said we can’t eat any ice cream, and if we do, she’d kill us. You do know her, right?”

  “Of course they do,” Tuff said to his friend.

  “I don’t think so?” I was a little confused. Why would I know their manager?

  “But she said she knows everyone. Didn’t she, Canyon?”

  “She did!” Canyon looked at us suspiciously. “Are you sure you don’t know her?”

  “Nope. I think she might have been exaggerating when she said she knew everyone. She probably meant she knew everyone in your industry. Not, like, the entire world.”

  “I guess that makes sense,” said Tuff, earning a nod of agreement from his friend.

  “Right,” I said, shaking my head at them to try and dismiss the subject entirely. “What we wanted to talk to you about has nothing to do with ice cream or Dana.”

  “Thank goodness!” Canyon looked up to the low ceiling of the lobby and looked momentarily confused again.

  “We need to ask you about last night,” Ethan said.