Love Isn't Supposed to Hurt

by Paul, Christi

  Let’s start with a little background. Whether you’ve studied yourself or not, you have a perception of every personality trait you have. If you like the trait, you likely call it a positive trait. If you don’t like the trait, you likely call it a negative trait. (If you really don’t like a particular trait, you may even deny you have it!) The fact is, every personality trait you have is both positive and negative. The way you label the trait depends on your viewpoint of that trait at a particular moment in time.

  This exercise is eye opening and heart opening in the sense that it’s an opportunity to find out that you aren’t just your personality traits but the sum of all your parts—imperfect ones and all!

  My Positive Traits

  This is a simple exercise that starts with making a list. Compile ten to twenty positive traits about yourself. I’ll list some of mine as an example:

  Positive Traits I Perceive about Myself

  (I’m proud of these.)

  1. I’m a peacemaker.

  2. I’m excited to see my kids each day.

  3. I have faith in people.

  4. I have a sense of style and am comfortable with my appearance.

  5. I make good health a priority.

  Next write down the negative trait that matches up with the positive. Don’t look for what is negative about the positive trait. Rather, think about what negative personality trait accompanies the trait you consider positive.

  Negative Traits That Accompany Those Positive Traits

  (I’m not so proud of these.)

  1. I’m impatient when things aren’t solved the way I’d like them to be.

  2. I get short with my girls when they make a big mess.

  3. I have high expectations of others and get disappointed by those expectations.

  4. I don’t like getting wrinkles or “looking my age.” Ha!

  5. I don’t like the time it takes to work out.

  Now let’s reverse this exercise!

  When you do the converse of this—writing the negative traits about yourself and then finding out the positive trait that matches up with each negative—you find more information to confirm that both the negative and positive do coexist in you. I’ll share a few of mine here:

  My Negative Traits

  (I’m not so proud of these.)

  1. I’m overly sensitive about how others view me.

  2. I allow someone else’s thoughts to influence me.

  3. I’m critical of myself.

  4. I compare myself to others.

  5. I’m competitive.

  Next write the positive trait that matches up with the negative. Again, don’t look for what is positive about the negative trait. Rather, find out what positive personality trait accompanies the trait you consider negative.

  Positive Traits That Accompany Those Negative Traits

  (I’m proud of these.)

  1. I have a keen sense of what my audience wants or needs.

  2. I’m humble and willing to pay attention to others’ ideas.

  3. I have the urge to get better, to find the best I have to offer.

  4. I get great style tips from other women.

  5. I’ve learned to use my competitiveness to push myself and fight fear.

  When you can get your mind to go back and forth between these two categories more fluidly, you’ll find you are neither one trait nor the other all the time; you are a mixture of both. (And if, like me, you’re hard on yourself, it’s a wonderful feeling to discover that what you’ve thought of as negative all along also has a positive flip side to it!)

  Helpful hint: When you write your list, use your verbs in the following forms: “I am,” “I do,” and “I have.” When I first started this exercise, I did something Dr. Case said everyone she has ever worked with does: I “half owned” my negatives. For example, when I wrote my first list, I heartily wrote, “I am a loyal friend” on my list of positives. However, when I recorded my negatives, I used this verbiage: “I can be selfish.” Even the language I used confirmed how I avoided admitting to the negative side of my personality traits.

  When you write your list of negatives, write them with gusto! Write, “I’m fussy!” Write, “I’m impatient!” Write, “I’m a perfectionist!” Then ease your mind by finding out what beneficial personality trait you have that coincides with the nasty one. And remember that there is grace enough to cover all the ways we fall short!

  Here’s the big takeaway. As Dr. Case says, “Neither the positive nor the negative statements are absolute. (In other words, you aren’t always 100 percent a peacemaker, and you aren’t always 100 percent overly sensitive about how someone views you.) Sometimes you are a troublemaker, and sometimes you don’t give a hoot what someone says about you!”

  Now it’s your turn. Ready, set, go! Make your lists. Don’t be afraid to be honest. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do what you feel in your heart to be right—for you’ll be criticized anyway.” And remember: God made you just as you are. Embrace that. He knew what He was doing.

  Appendix 2

  Help for Those Experiencing Abuse

  If you are being abused and need guidance, here are organizations that can help.

  National Domestic Violence Hotline

  Advocates are available to you live, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They can offer you a direct link to a domestic violence program in your area.

  Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE

  Website: www.thehotline.org

  National Dating Abuse Helpline

  This service aims to help youth and young adults. Advocates are available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, via phone, online chat, and text messaging.

  Phone: 1-866-331-9474

  Texting: Text “loveis” to 77054

  Online chat: www.loveisrespect.org

  Legal Guidance

  WomensLaw.org is a crucial resource if you’re in a dangerous relationship and know you have to leave. It lists pivotal information to help you prepare to leave in advance or in a hurry, what to take with you (such as spare car keys, driver’s license, money, copies of birth certificates, Social Security cards, medication, and, if possible, evidence of physical abuse), what evidence to keep to prove you’ve been hurt (such as photographs of bruises or other injuries, torn or bloody clothing, or documentation from police officers or doctors), and how to leave safely with children.

  Website: www.womenslaw.org

  Appendix 3

  Red Flags That May Indicate Abusive or Potentially Abusive Behavior

  The following behaviors are warning signs of abuse, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

  1. Jealousy

  2. Controlling behavior

  3. Quick involvement

  4. Unrealistic expectations

  5. Isolation

  6. Blaming others for problems

  7. Blaming others for his or her own feelings

  8. Hypersensitivity

  9. Cruelty to animals or children

  10. “Playful” use of force in sex

  11. Verbal abuse

  12. Rigid sex roles

  13. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality

  14. Past battering

  15. Threats of violence

  16. Breaking or striking objects

  17. Any use of force during an argument

  Appendix 4

  Help for Friends and Family of the Abused

  What can you do if you suspect or know a friend or family member is in an abusive relationship? The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers these tips.

  • Don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend who you think needs help. Tell her you’re concerned for her safety and want to help.

  • Be supportive and listen patiently. Acknowledge her feelings and be respectful of her decisions.

  • Help your friend recognize that the abuse is not normal and is not her fault. Everyone deserves a healthy, nonviolent relationship.

  • Focus on your friend or family memb
er, not the abusive partner. Even if your loved one stays with her partner, it’s important she still feels comfortable talking to you about it.

  • Connect your friend to resources in the community that can give her information and guidance. (See the list of resources in Appendix 2.)

  • Help your friend develop a safety plan.

  • If your friend breaks up with the abusive partner, continue to be supportive after the relationship is over.

  • Even when you feel like there’s nothing you can do, don’t forget that by being supportive and caring, you’re already doing a lot.

  • Don’t contact the abuser or publicly post negative things about him online. It will only worsen the situation for your friend.

  About the Author

  Christi Paul is an award-winning journalist and national weekday news anchor for CNN’s HLN and TruTv’s In Session. In her eight years at CNN, she has covered a wide variety of stories, including two presidential elections, the Virginia Tech shootings, the Casey Anthony murder trial, the Warren Jeffs polygamy trial, and the Conrad Murray trial. She has also interviewed such noted figures as Senator John McCain, Reverend Jesse Jackson, former drug czar Barry McCaffrey, actresses Jane Seymour and Patricia Heaton, bestselling author Marianne Williamson, and musicians Keith Urban and Jim Brickman, among others.

  An accomplished singer, Christi has performed the national anthem for the Cleveland Indians, the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Atlanta Braves, and the Cleveland Cavaliers. She has also performed onstage with Grammy-winning artists Richard Marx and David Foster.

  Christi recently became an ambassador for Liz Claiborne’s Love Is Not Abuse campaign, which aims to teach teenagers about dating violence and help them make healthy relationship decisions. She also serves on the board of Safe Kids Georgia.

  Christi lives in Atlanta with her husband, Pete, and their three daughters.