‘I’m sure of it,’ Kaye agreed. ‘He’s still like it now.’
They had secured the front of the rollercoaster, and from this distance she could just see them as they peaked and began the drop, yelling with delight, Jared’s arms protectively around his son. As they slowed to a stop she could see an argument going on, which Jared ended by lifting Mike determinedly out.
‘Time for home,’ he said, when he’d greeted Sam and Ethel. ‘You may not be knackered, but I am. Off with you, you monster. I’m going to take your mother to dinner.’
Mike was offended-not at being called a monster, which he thought perfectly proper, but at the suggestion that he should go home. But Sam yawned dramatically, and gave Jared a thumbs-up sign which made Kaye chuckle.
‘Where are we having dinner?’ she asked as they wandered away.
‘My apartment,’ he said, slipping an arm around her shoulders. ‘It’s not far.’
She was fascinated to see where he lived now-if it was any different from before.
It was an expensive apartment, yet with the same feeling of austerity and aloneness.
There was one photograph on the sideboard that caught her attention. It showed a young woman in a bridal gown, gazing up into the eyes of her groom.
‘That’s my parents on their wedding day,’ Jared said, ‘taken just outside the church.’
‘So that’s where Mike gets his face from,’ she murmured. ‘No wonder you were so sure from the start.’
‘One look at him and I knew we were family,’ he agreed. ‘I only wish my parents were still alive to see him.’
She looked closer. The bride’s left hand was on her groom’s arm, giving Kaye a clear view of a large engagement ring.
‘They were so proud of that ring,’ Jared said, grinning. ‘My dad couldn’t really afford it, but he said nothing was too good for her. She told me it took him months to pay for it. When she died he took it off her finger, gave it to me, and told me to be very careful who I gave it to. “It’s got to be the right one,” he said, “and I want to look her over first.” Every time the press linked my name with a dolly girl he’d say, “You’re not getting daft ideas about that one, I hope?”’ He sighed, looking at her. ‘It’s a pity he died three years ago.’
She held her breath, wondering if his next words would be, He’d have liked you. But she was fated not to know. A knock at the door announced the arrival of supper.
‘I took the precaution of ordering from the take away down the street,’ he said.
The moment slipped past. If he’d been going to speak of marriage before, she knew he wouldn’t do it now. But he’d come so close, so soon. She would have to be content with that.
Talk turned to money. The lawyers had been in touch again, and Jared wanted to finalise the arrangements.
‘I’ve booked an appointment for us tomorrow, so that we can sign things,’ he said.
‘Really? Thanks for telling me.’
‘Well, you know me and my controlling nature. And this way you’re protected. If I vanish you can sue me for every penny.’
‘Must you talk about money?’ she complained.
‘You’re right. Other things are far more interesting.’
After that the meal was finished quickly, and there was the warmth, the darkness, and the sweet feeling of coming home.
At work Mr Vanner was pleased with her, the pay was good, and life slipped into a pleasant phase. Jared didn’t hint again at marriage, but he arranged for them to be together as often as possible, culminating in the British Grand Prix. Both Brent and Cannonball had built their factories in the English Midlands, to be near the Silverstone track, so for once working on the race didn’t involve lengthy travel.
At Jared’s insistence Kaye was allowed to bring Mike for a visit to the pits, where he was treated as a celebrity. Nobody asked about his connection with Jared. Nobody needed to.
Jared drove the fastest practice lap. Second fastest were the two Brent drivers-Hal, and a newcomer called Gary who was tipped for great things. He had a mighty good opinion of himself and regarded Jared with jealousy.
‘Watch out for him,’ Kaye murmured. ‘He’s a nasty piece of work.’
‘Hmm. A bit like Warrior,’ Jared agreed. ‘Don’t worry.’
In the event he won the race without trouble, with Gary doing no more than glower.
At the party that followed, Mr Vanner murmured to Kaye, ‘We’re all feeling relief right now. You know Jared did badly in a lot of races at the start of the season? He fell behind on points, but recently he’s been winning again, and his points are building back up. Another couple of wins and he’ll regain the lead.’
There was no doubt now that Sam and Ethel were supporting them all the way. Twice they invited Jared to dinner, treating him as one of the family with a lack of caution that actually made Kaye feel awkward.
Soon, she knew, they would have to make decisions about Mike, about themselves and each other, but she was too wise to force the moment.
Then, one evening, there was a strange incident.
They were in his home, cooking together, laughing over the fact that he was the better cook.
‘I remember this from before,’ she said. ‘You told me how your mother had taught you to cook. I’m expecting great things of this meal.’
Her expectations were fulfilled. He pulled out all the stops and fed her superbly.
‘At least let me make the coffee,’ she begged as they finished, and he agreed.
As she made the coffee she suddenly remembered something. The day they had met again she’d thought she saw him in the school car park and had meant to ask him about it. But with so much happening it had slipped her mind.
She must remember to ask him soon, she thought, and they would laugh together. Perhaps tonight. She glanced into the other room, and was in time to see him go to a drawer, take out a small box, extract from it his mother’s ring and slip it into his pocket.
In a flash all thoughts of the car park were abandoned. He was going to propose, she thought, trying not to be overcome by excitement. The road they had been travelling together would reach its glorious destination.
As she took in the coffee, Jared’s phone rang.
‘Guess who?’ he said. ‘Mike, what a surprise!’
He gave Mike a good ten minutes before ringing off.
‘He’s never lost for something to say,’ he observed. ‘What a boy!’
‘Yes, I envy other mothers whose children aren’t so gorgeous,’ she agreed. ‘I want a dozen more, all like him. Jared? Is something the matter?’
‘What?’
‘You drew a sharp breath. Are you in pain?’
‘Yes, I’ve got a bit of a headache. It came on suddenly. It happens to me sometimes and-and once they start I must go to bed.’
‘I’ll stay and look after you.’
‘No, I need to be alone. I’ll call you.’
His voice was strained and his face dreadfully pale. She hurried to leave, since that was what he wanted, but it hurt that a gap had opened up again between them. For some reason need made him turn away from her, not towards her.
It was several days before she saw him again. During that time he texted her frequently, but didn’t call.
‘I hope he’s better soon,’ Mr Vanner said worriedly. ‘We’re flying to Germany in a couple of days.’
But his brow cleared next morning when Jared appeared, fully recovered, pleasant and smiling. It might all never have happened.
Kaye couldn’t forget how she’d been relegated to the outside, yet Jared seemed intent on making it up to her-often clasping her hand out of sight of the others, and smiling at her in a way that reminded her of the world they shared.
In Germany he achieved the fastest time in the qualifying laps, securing pole position for himself, and beating Gary into second place on the grid.
That night they dined alone and quietly. When they went to bed he didn’t try to make love, but slept wit
h his hand on her, as though afraid she would vanish.
Next day the race went well. Jared led all the way, outwitting all attempts to overtake him until the very last bend, when a sudden frisson went through the team watching on screen. Gary was trying to edge past in a highly dangerous manner.
‘He’s going to make Jared crash,’ one of the Cannonball team said furiously. ‘Trying to force him into that wall if he doesn’t give way.’ He seized the microphone and barked into it. ‘Let him pass, man. It’s not worth dying for.’
But Jared either didn’t hear or was in another universe. He drove on, not wavering, refusing to budge, until Gary gave up and fell behind again. A few moments later Jared shot over the line, to the deafening cheers of the crowd and the roars of his team.
‘I’ll swear that man isn’t afraid of anything,’ Mr Vanner muttered. ‘Did you ever see anything like that?’
Kaye couldn’t answer. The violence of her own feelings terrified her. Jared’s icy courage, his obstinate refusal to yield, might have cost him his life. Knowing that, he hadn’t flinched. Now that it was over the truth hit her hard, and her heart was thundering.
She stayed quiet during the evening’s celebrations. At dinner the television was on, showing a re-run of the race, with the commentator going berserk at the finish.
‘Nerves of ice, nerves of steel. Can anything scare Jared Marriot?’
‘For the love of heaven!’ Jared exclaimed, embarrassed but grinning. ‘It was nothing. I didn’t even see him.’
This was greeted by disbelieving jeers, under cover of which Jared slipped away. Kaye went with him, and in the night that followed the distance between them shrank to nothing and she was almost content again.
Almost. The fear would be with her as long as she loved him. Which meant it would be with her always.
In the early hours she propped herself up on her elbow, regarding him tenderly as he slept. Now there was no need for words, except for those in her heart.
You gave it all back to me, she told him silently. Not just love, but trust and contentment, the confidence that I can feel safe in the world because it’s a place where good things happen. I thought I’d lost it again recently, but you weren’t well. That’s all it was. If only I could tell you what you mean to me-a thousand times more than you meant before. Because now I can see into your heart and know that it belongs to me, and to our son. Last time I saw only emptiness there, but now-oh, my darling, now-Oh, heavens, why am I crying when I’m so happy?
She laid her face against his chest, listening to the soft beat of his heart, knowing that at last she’d come home to the place where she belonged-the only place in the world that mattered. Softly she ran her fingertips over him, half fearing, half hoping to awaken him.
‘I love you,’ she said aloud. ‘I’ve loved you for years, but I didn’t dare admit it to myself. Now I can, and soon-oh, please, soon-I can admit it to you.’
He made a sound, and she looked up to find his face turned towards her, eyes still closed, lips very slightly parted. She smiled, laying a gentle kiss on them.
‘But not yet,’ she told him. ‘You’re not quite ready, are you? It’s all there inside, but we’re both waiting for the right moment. When will it come? That’s a mystery, but we can be patient.’ She smiled in self-mockery. ‘I’m very good at waiting.’
She kissed him again, preparing to slide down in the bed and snuggle up to him. But suddenly he gave a long, sighing moan, then another. His head began to twist from side to side and the sound grew deeper, more intense and painful.
‘Hush, darling,’ she said, giving him a little shake. ‘Wake up. I’m here.’
But his eyes didn’t open, and she could tell that she hadn’t reached him. The noise became softer, less anguished. Perhaps the bad moment was passing and it would be better to let him sleep. She watched him anxiously, trying to decide.
‘No,’ he groaned. ‘No, no-I can’t bear it-’
‘Darling-’ She tried to take him in her arms but he thrust her away, beginning to writhe.
‘It isn’t me-it can’t be-it isn’t me. No-no-no!’
His voice became a roar. His arms were flailing dementedly and she had to dodge them to get close to him.
‘Wake up,’ she cried. ‘Wake up!’
But it seemed as though he couldn’t wake. Whatever the hellish place deep in inside him, he was trapped in it, screaming for release but unable to find it.
‘Jared,’ she cried, shaking him. ‘I’m here-look at me. I’m going to make it all right.’
‘It’ll never be all right,’ he growled, but still his eyes were closed and she couldn’t tell if he knew she was there. ‘Some things can’t be put right. Nothing will ever be right again-never-never-’
‘Yes, it will,’ she urged. ‘We can make it right as long as we’re together. Wake up, darling, please.’
With a loud cry he sat up sharply in bed, eyes wide and staring, his entire body shaking violently. Appalled, Kaye kept hold of him, knowing that this was no ordinary nightmare. But when she tried to draw him close he thrust her away.
‘Who the hell are you?’ he shouted. ‘Get out-get out! Don’t touch me!’
‘Jared, it’s me-Kaye.’ Hurriedly she switched on the light, which seemed to work.
As he returned to reality he seemed to collapse, then threw himself back on the bed.
‘Do you know who I am?’ she asked, sitting beside him.
He stared at her from dead eyes. ‘Yes. It’s all right. I’m awake now. I’m sorry if I hit you.’
‘You didn’t know what you were doing. It must have been a terrible dream. You were shouting such things.’
‘What?’ he asked tensely. ‘What was I shouting?’
‘You kept saying, “It isn’t me.” I don’t understand.’
He gave a grunt. ‘Oh, that again. It’s because I was ill-face swelled up-and looking into the mirror was terrible.’
‘You mean that crash you had at the start of the season? You injured your face?’
He seemed to hesitate. ‘Not exactly. I crashed because I was ill, and I looked so dreadful I couldn’t endure the sight of myself. It made me realise that one day I’ll be old and ugly.’
‘Old, but never ugly,’ she assured him.
‘Oh, yes, it’s there-waiting at the end of the road.’
‘Tell me all about it.’
‘I don’t want to dwell on it. It’s not a pleasant memory.’
‘But if you keep it hidden inside you, perhaps that’s why you have nightmares. If you told me about it, perhaps it would go away.’
‘Nothing will make it go away,’ he said hoarsely.
But she wouldn’t accept that. Taking him in her arms, she said fiercely, ‘Tell me! We’ll fight it together.’
‘Are you strong enough to fight my demons?’ he whispered.
‘What demons?’ she asked. ‘You’re recovered now. The demons were sent packing.’
‘Yes-yes, of course.’
‘And as long as we’re together I’m strong enough for anything. Look.’ She clasped his hand. ‘Did you ever feel such strength?’
He surveyed the delicate hand that lay in his and gave a wry smile.
‘No, I don’t think I ever did,’ he said. ‘It’s awesome.’ He closed his fingers over hers. ‘I guess you’ll keep me safe.’
Nobody who knew Jared only superficially, which meant everyone else in the world, would have believed he’d ever say such a thing.
She could feel violent tremors going through him, almost as though he was weeping, and her arms tightened protectively about him.
She was moving her hands as she spoke, caressing him softly, teasingly, trying to distract him from his misery. She felt him grow still, as though he couldn’t believe what was happening, then gradually the life seemed to be restored to his ravaged body. She enticed him more, luring him on to respond, until he did, moving his hands in an exploration that was almost tentative, then growing in confidence,
until at last he cast diffidence aside and raised himself up to look down directly into her face.
He must have seen something there that he needed, for the next moment he was making love to her with full force. Kaye sighed with satisfaction. It had worked. She’d released him from his fears as only she could do. Her smile was one of triumph, melting into pleasure as he took possession of her with a vigour that was almost ferocity and which thrilled her.
‘Go to sleep now,’ she murmured. ‘Everything’s going to be all right.’
She believed it. Falling asleep in his arms, she thought that a new dawn had arrived for them.
CHAPTER FIVE
SHE awoke an hour later and lay with her eyes closed, relishing this new joy, then reaching across the bed for him.
But he wasn’t lying there. Opening her eyes, she found him sitting on the edge of the bed, his back to her.
That wasn’t part of the dream.
‘Hello,’ she said.
He turned quickly and smiled. ‘Are you all right?’ he asked.
‘Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You were in a bad way.’
He rolled over to lie beside her. ‘I want you to tell me something.’
He wanted her to say she loved him, she thought.
‘Yes? What?’
‘When I was shouting in my sleep, did I say anything particular?’
‘Only what I told you before,’ she said, coming down to earth. ‘You kept saying “It isn’t me.”’
‘Nothing else?’
‘Not that I remember.’
‘Are you sure?’ he asked, sounding tense.
‘Quite sure. Why? What are you afraid you said?’
He gave an awkward laugh. ‘Don’t be silly.’
She tried to lighten the atmosphere with a tiny joke. ‘You didn’t mention other women, I promise.’
He rose to the occasion, meeting her mood. ‘Well, that’s a relief.’
She managed a small laugh. ‘So your terrible secret is still a secret.’
His smile faded. She could have sworn a tremor went through him, and it flickered across her mind that perhaps he really did have another woman.
Suddenly the winds were howling again. Such a betrayal would destroy her. She’d opened her heart to him a second time, but there could be no other chances.
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