But he instantly replied, ‘Don’t say that. There’s nobody but you. I love you. There-I’ve said it.’ He flung the words out like an accusation.
She touched his face. ‘You’ve been fighting it, haven’t you?’
‘I suppose I have,’ he growled.
The fear passed. What could possibly go wrong now? It was time to risk everything on the throw of the dice.
‘I saw you with your mother’s ring,’ she said. ‘I even dared to hope you were going to give it to me. But then you got that headache.’
He raised one crooked eyebrow. ‘Are you proposing to me?’
‘I guess I am.’
She’d struck the right note, enticing him without pressure. Now his good humour and self-confidence were venturing back. ‘The truth is you don’t want me,’ he observed. ‘You just want the ring.’
‘Well, it’s quite a ring. As soon as I saw it I knew it had to be mine-plus-well, plus anything else that went with it.’
‘So that’s what I am? An extra tagged on like a supermarket special offer?’
‘That’s putting it very well. In time I’ll probably exchange you for vouchers.’
‘What do I get in return?’ he wanted to know.
‘All my love, now and for ever. Of course you’ve always had that-you just didn’t know it. Come to think of it, I didn’t really know it myself for a long time.’
‘I warn you, I’ll try your patience.’
‘Don’t worry. You always have. I’ve learned to cope.’
Grinning, he kissed her. But then humour faded, and there were no more words for a while.
So now it seemed that they were engaged, she mused later. Possibly the strangest proposal ever.
As they prepared to leave Jared said, ‘Can we keep this our secret for a while? There are a lot of things to be settled before the world knows.’
Mike, she thought. He must be told everything first.
‘Of course,’ she agreed.
Unusually, the next race-in Hungary-was only a week away, leaving little time for personal life. But after that there was a three-week gap, which would be their chance to think of themselves.
It would have been lovely to celebrate their engagement with another baby, and as they flew back to England from Germany she allowed herself to hope that a faint sign would turn out to be significant.
She remembered how quickly she’d become pregnant last time. One brief encounter and within two weeks she’d had the first hint. It might happen that way again, and this time she would have the pleasure of telling Jared and seeing his happiness.
But the hint turned out to be a false alarm, leaving her disappointed.
Still, I’m older now, she reassured herself. It won’t happen so quickly. We’ll get there. Be patient.
The trouble was that she didn’t want to be patient. She wanted the joy of going through a pregnancy with Jared at her side. It would happen. She promised herself that.
On the flight to Hungary she sat next to Mr Vanner, taking notes, concentrating on work.
‘I can’t tell you how I’m looking forward to three weeks after this without any races,’ he sighed.
Smiling, she nodded. She too was looking forward to those three weeks.
For the first two days everything went as they’d hoped. Jared achieved the fastest practice time, and the fastest qualifying time, beating Gary into second place on the grid.
‘Just wait until we race tomorrow,’ she heard Gary mutter. ‘Then you’ll see.’
‘Oh, leave it,’ she told him, pausing as she gathered her things.
The great hangar was emptying fast, and she hurried to leave.
‘Well, bless my soul-look who it is.’
Looking up, Kaye saw a face she recognised.
‘Hello, Tony. What brings you here?’
Tony Williams was a journalist whom she’d sometimes met, hanging around, trying to sniff out a good story, preferably a scandal. He was pleasant enough, but she was always on her guard.
‘Just seeing if there was anything interesting going on,’ he said airily.
‘Well, there isn’t.’
‘Not so sure about that. There’s a rumour going around about a certain person who had a mysterious spell in hospital a few months ago. It was a private hospital, nobody was allowed near, and no questions could be asked.’
Jared had already told her a little about this, but nothing would make her satisfy the journalist’s curiosity, so she merely shrugged.
‘It just makes you wonder,’ Tony continued, ‘why the nature of that illness is being kept so determinedly secret.’
‘Possibly because it’s nobody else’s business,’ she flashed.
‘That’s understandable. Especially if it was mumps.’
Jared hadn’t given his illness a name, had merely spoken of his swollen face. With a monumental effort of will she froze her expression and kept quiet.
‘You know what mumps does to a man, don’t you?’ Tony went on. ‘It makes him sterile. Oh, he can still take a woman to bed, give her a good time, but nothing comes of it. She doesn’t have to fear getting pregnant because he’s useless.’
‘Rubbish,’ she managed to say.
‘It’s not. I knew a man once who had it happen to him. He’d been quite a Romeo in his day, so he went round looking up old girlfriends, hoping to find that he was already a father. It makes you wonder what he told those girls.’ He struck an attitude. ‘Hiya, honey, nice to see you again. Did you by any chance have my kid? No? Oh, well, on to the next one.”
She fought to keep her smile in place, knowing that he was watching her for any reaction.
‘Sorry, Tony, but you’re dreaming.’
‘How would you know? You’re not denying that he’s Mike’s father, are you? Everyone knows that Jared turned up suddenly, and you have to wonder why?’
‘No, what you have to do is jump to a lot of glib conclusions. Jared’s an honest man. He’d never do what you’re suggesting. Vanish, if you know what’s good for you.’
‘Oh, come on, Kaye. It all fits. There’s a great story here, and we’d pay a good price for it. All you have to do is- Hey, that hurt!’
‘It was meant to. Get out, and if you print one word of this I’ll make you sorry you were born.’
‘So much for a free press-ow!’
‘Now will you go?’ she demanded.
‘Frankly, Jared has my sympathy. I can see you’re going to make him pay. All right, all right-I’m going.’
He vanished, leaving her alone, staring ahead, her mind filled with flashing, screaming images.
She would have given anything to be able to disbelieve this, but every instinct in her recognised it as the truth.
The time she’d seen Jared watching her in the car park; his sudden arrival at the pageant. Those weren’t accidents. He’d come to find her-no, he’d come to find Mike. As Mike’s mother, she was no more than a necessary extra, and Jared had done what he had to in order to secure them both.
That was all there was to it.
She forced herself to move. Outside, everyone was gathering, ready to go for a meal. Jared smiled when he saw her, the perfect picture of a man happy in love. You would believe it if you didn’t know the truth.
‘I won’t join you for the meal,’ she said. ‘I want an early night.’
‘Me too,’ Jared said.
‘No, I think Mr Vanner needs a chat with you,’ she said quickly. ‘I’ll see you later.’
‘Are you all right?’ he asked, frowning as he glanced at her face.
‘Yes, I’m fine. Bye.’
She fled-hoping that he wouldn’t follow her, because she desperately needed to be alone to sort this out, but irrationally disappointed when he didn’t insist. He would get deep into talk about the coming race and forget her existence until she was useful again.
She took a taxi, meaning to go to the hotel, but suddenly she couldn’t bear to be enclosed by walls and she made the driver stop ne
ar a park. She would wander and try to cope with the way her world had collapsed. With all her heart she longed to deny it, but everything fitted too well. She’d been a fool. The man who always demanded his own way had made use of her.
The light was fading. She turned her steps towards the hotel, wondering what she was going to do when she saw Jared. Tell him? Ask him?
Not now, she thought. Don’t distract him the night before a race. I’ll go to bed and he’ll find me ‘asleep’. Tomorrow-when he’s won-maybe-
But as she reached the corridor Jared’s door opened, to reveal him, frowning.
‘Where have you been?’ he demanded.
‘Just-for a walk.’
‘A strange way to take an early night. I was worried about you. I dashed back to make sure you were all right, but you weren’t here.’
‘I needed to be alone for a while.’
He stood back to let her in, closing the door with a firmness that reminded her uncomfortably of a prison door slamming. This was a man she didn’t know, with a tight face and hard, suspicious eyes.
‘Alone?’ he repeated.
‘Yes. Alone.’
‘What about Tony Williams?’
‘What?’
‘He’s been seen around here, trying to rake up dirt about me. Are you saying you haven’t spoken to him?’
Totally stunned, she stared at him as the world disintegrated for the second time that day.
‘Answer me, Kaye. Have you been talking to that man or not? I want to know.’
‘And I’ll tell you,’ she said, in a voice that was so quiet it was dangerous. ‘But not if you speak to me like that. I will not be interrogated like a suspect-do you understand?’
Good resolutions were forgotten as her temper flared. It was a shock to find that Jared could provoke her like this, but something in his attitude had brought rage screaming to the surface.
‘Do you understand?’ she repeated.
‘Yes, I think I understand. Evidently you have something to tell me.’
‘Tony Williams came to see me at the track, spreading stories, dropping hints. I told him to leave. When he didn’t I insisted. He was rubbing his face when he left.’
‘You hit him?’
‘Twice. I didn’t mean to, but he was saying things about you that I couldn’t bear. Now I’m going to bed.’
‘What things?’
She took a long breath. ‘Now isn’t the time,’ she said at last.
‘Kaye, what did-?’
‘Goodnight, Jared.’
‘No!’ He seized her arm as she tried to pass. ‘We can’t leave it like this.’
‘We can, because I don’t want to talk tonight.’
‘Do you think you can just walk out on me like this? Do you think I’ll allow it?’
‘I’m not asking you to allow anything. I don’t need your permission. Just for once you’re not in charge, Jared.’
He flinched as though she’d struck him over the heart, and when she turned away he didn’t try to stop her. She ran to her own room, slammed her fists against the wall and stayed there, motionless, for a time she couldn’t count.
As last she pulled away and went to sit in a chair by the window. Outwardly she was calm, but inside she was sobbing.
There was a knock at her door. ‘Please let me in.’
‘Go away.’
‘No. I’ll stay here all night if I have to.’
Wearily she unlocked the door, immediately returning to the chair and sitting facing away from him.
He entered quietly, coming over and dropping to one knee beside her chair.
‘Forgive me,’ he murmured. ‘I should never have spoken to you like that.’
He pressed his face against her. She could feel his warmth, but he still felt a million miles away. She didn’t move.
After waiting for her to enclose his head in her hands he drew back, understanding the silent message.
‘Tell me,’ he murmured. ‘I have to know everything.’
‘All right.’ She sighed. ‘Tony Williams came to the pits today. I think he was waiting to get me alone. He told me about the mumps and how it could have left you sterile. He said he knew someone who’d gone looking up old girlfriends, hoping to find that he was already a father.’ She gave a bleak laugh. ‘Who could imagine that?’
He flinched, rising to his feet, needing to get away from the blast of hostility that came from her, cursing himself for stupidity and blindness.
‘You never told me the name of your illness, but it was mumps, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes.’
‘And it left you sterile?’
‘Yes.’ His voice was almost inaudible.
‘That day you turned up suddenly, it wasn’t an accident, was it?’
‘No.’
‘How long had you known about Mike?’
‘Only a short time. Hal showed me a picture of his family and you were in it. He told me about Mike and I realised-’
‘That he was your son.’
‘I thought he could be. Hal mentioned his birthday party, and the date told me he’d been born nine months after we were together.’
‘You remembered the date that well? Oh, but of course-it was three days after the race in Japan, so naturally you’d remember. How convenient.’
He winced at her coldly ironic tone.
‘I’ve never known you like this before. It isn’t you.’
She rose and confronted him, meeting his eyes directly. ‘How would you know, Jared? You have no idea who the real me is. All you know is the compliant me, ready to do or be anything you want because when you’re there she can’t think straight. But this is me too-a woman who doesn’t like being taken for a fool.’
‘I didn’t-’
‘Don’t lie to me. Why did you suddenly turn up after years when you hadn’t shown any curiosity?’
‘I had no idea that I’d left you pregnant.’
‘And of course you couldn’t go back to find all the girls you’d snapped your fingers at-even if you could remember them all.’
‘I told you I thought I’d stopped in time, and then I never heard from you-but it was my fault. I was careless.’
‘And then you heard about Mike and you realised that everything might not be over. You even spied on me. That day in the school car park, I thought I imagined that I saw you-but you were there, watching me.’
‘I wanted to be sure I’d got the right person,’ he groaned.
‘Why didn’t you tell me the truth?’ she asked desperately.
‘Do you imagine I could have?’
‘Yes! Perhaps not at first, but later. It’s what you’d have done if we’d been as close as I thought we were. But I see now that we weren’t. All this time you’ve been playing a clever game to pull me in, so that you can use me to claim your property. I have something you want, and you worked out how to get it. That’s what you always do. Remember telling me that?’
‘That may have been true once,’ he said. ‘And I won’t deny that Mike is my best chance of being a father, and that’s why I approached you at first. But only at first. Kaye, for pity’s sake, don’t you remember how things were between us from the moment we met again?’
‘No!’ she cried in pain. ‘I only remember how you made me think they were. But it was all lies. Everything was lies. Even when-’
She stopped, choked by her tears.
‘I swear it wasn’t,’ he said passionately. ‘When I said I loved you I was telling the truth. When we met again, I never dreamed it would be like this between us. I thought it was all over, but then I knew it was you I wanted. Not just for Mike, but because you’re the one. I love you. I’ve never said it before-not meaning it, anyway. With the others it was just a form of showbiz, but with you it’s real.’
With all her soul she longed to believe him. But his betrayal of her trust was a torture that she couldn’t get past.
‘I don’t believe you,’ she said stubbornly. ‘This is just part of
the act.’
‘Don’t say that!’ he cried. ‘I know I should have told you the truth before. All this time I’ve been trying to find the right moment, and I nearly managed it, but then you said you wanted more children and I backed off because I was scared.’
‘You? Scared? Don’t make me laugh.’
‘Scared. Terrified. You can’t imagine. When you said that I saw myself as I must look to a woman now: useless, half-crippled, empty. Not a real man. Of course you want more children. You’re a mother, with a mother’s instinct, and you want a man who can help you fulfil that instinct. But I can’t.’ His voice rose in anguish. ‘Don’t you understand that?’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘That’s not what you said then.’
‘Nothing would matter if you’d told me the truth, because we would have been so close that I wouldn’t have cared about anything else. But you kept apart with your secret, and now I don’t know who you are.’
As if from a great distance she saw a terrible look on his face: blank, despairing, helpless.
Why, she thought desperately, didn’t his words affect her? Why didn’t her love cause her heart to melt for him? But she felt as though a cage had slammed shut, trapping her inside. She was blind and deaf to his suffering, knowing only one thing: he had lied to her, tricked her. In her present bitter state, it seemed that never for one moment had he been honest with her. And that meant there was only a wilderness between them.
She began to walk back and forth, arms folded across her chest as though to protect herself from something, seeking a way out of the misery that engulfed her. But there was no way.
‘So many things have suddenly become clear,’ she said. ‘When you had that nightmare you asked what you’d said in your sleep. You kept insisting. I didn’t understand, but you were afraid you’d given away the secret, weren’t you?’
Dumbly, he nodded.
‘It was always there,’ she continued. ‘Behind every thought or word or action. Always you were having to keep the important part of yourself to one side, never letting me suspect it. In the end it became you. The real you. And I never guessed.’
She rubbed her hand over her eyes. ‘I think you should go now.’
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