Gone Viking
Page 34
Two
fn1 Really, very reasonable, were I in the market …
fn2 Having a bad day/dealing with idiots? Put on Peggy Lee’s ‘I’m A Woman’. You’re welcome.
fn3 ‘Haven’t Met You Yet’ is incredibly catchy … OK, shoot me. Shoot me now …
Three: Two weeks later …
fn1 Let’s face it, it’ll be a ‘he’ …
Four
fn1 Will my husband remember to use conditioner when washing his daughter’s hair, as instructed? Will he buffalo …
fn2 My PB [personal best] for this is six seconds. Yours?
fn3 Her official title. No one knows why, but it rhymed, so it stuck. That’s secondary school folklore and the wit of a bunch of pubescent mid-1990s Midlanders for you. Mme Dean [TSM] apparently hailed from Basingstoke and had never so much as set foot on a cross-channel ferry or the Eurostar. C’est la vie …
Five
fn1 ‘A lot of anoraks and Deirdre Barlow glasses to tackle …’ is how Tricia explains her own personal contribution to the 1981 peace camp protest against nuclear weapons at RAF Greenham Common in Berkshire.
fn2 Toy Story 2 came out after my sister’s moratorium on popular culture and is thus unbeknownst to her as a frame of reference. But you probably guessed that by now …
Six
fn1 Point of order: it is. I checked later.
Seven
fn1 Circa her 2002 album, Stripped. Worth a listen.
fn2 For younger readers: this was possible at the time thanks to university grants (see ‘old’). Plus I had a waitressing job where I excelled at paper napkin folding and condiment management. Dentistry’s gain was the Plymouth branch of Pizza Express’s loss …
fn3 A cross between a unicorn and a Pegasus. Obviously …
fn4 Challenge Anneka aired on BBC1 from 1989 until 1995 when it was cruelly cut from the schedule and Anneke choppered her way to her very last lion sanctuary. Sad times. She hasn’t had much use for the ear defenders of flammable jumpsuits since, and so presumably hasn’t missed them. Yet …
fn5 Star of the self-titled long-running American reality court show and author of Don’t Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining. Wise words …
Eight
fn1 Yes: I know I compared Inge to a pegacorn. But I was DRUNK at the time. MAGGOT DRUNK, I tell you …
fn2 Yes ‘mostly’ responsible: all Greg had to do was stop thinking about employment legislation in the Czech Republic or parking restrictions in Brent, for ten minutes. Twice. I’ve done the rest …
Nine
fn1 The wobbly top tooth that was loose last week
fn2 A class presentation on dinosaurs = a Big Deal
fn3 I like snow. It’s very clean …
fn4 See ‘trusting hosts’
fn5 Current affairs show majoring on investigations with hidden cameras that wobbled, consistently. Excellent journalism: sure-fire nausea. Good times.
Ten
fn1 Listen: no judging … baby Viking steps. You can’t part a woman from her smartphone AND tell her she’ll never see shoes again (at least for a day and a half) all in the same half-hour timeframe …
Thirteen
fn1 Student grants: retrospectively generous, still meagre-seeming at the time
Sixteen
fn1 We’re not.
fn2 I’m still harder than Simon from Lord of the Flies. Fact.
fn3 Yeah, that’s right: in a WEEK #GoVikings
fn4 She’s a tonic, my sister …
Epilogue: Six months later …
fn1 I don’t know how Melissa gets the dogs to defecate exclusively in woodland, but it’s a trick they appear reluctant to repeat. It’s as though they can tell the substitute teacher’s in charge and are deliberately playing up …
fn2 Protocol I being our pledges to be more honest with ourselves and take a break from our various modes of self-sabotage. No more covert ‘car picnics’ at 3am …