by Donna Alward
He turned away from the window and faced Lizzie. “A few weeks after she was deployed, I found the empty pack. Every month when she started her period we’d lament the fact that we hadn’t been successful. I never realized she was such a good actress.”
“You really wanted a family,” Lizzie said softly.
“More than anything,” he answered, and she heard the pain in his voice. “And she knew it. And the truth of the matter was, she wanted a family, too. Just not with me. She’d gone to see Tom that night to tell him she was going to leave me and that they could finally be together the way they should have been all along.”
Lizzie swore. “Are you serious?” She’d met Tom. She liked Tom. But why on earth would anyone married to Josh be able to turn him away so easily? He was a good guy. Kind, compassionate, strong, funny, sexy—
Okay. This was not supposed to lead to a laundry list of his good points. She found him attractive on a lot of levels. Didn’t mean she wanted to marry the guy—
“The whole time she was gone I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want the marriage to end, but damn, I was tired of feeling like second choice. I thought maybe if she came back we could try some counseling or something. Instead she didn’t come back at all. And the last thing I said—”
He stopped talking abruptly. His lips closed tight and Lizzie saw a muscle tic in his jaw.
“Josh,” she said gently, rubbing his arm. “What did you say?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Lizzie swallowed back a sigh. Josh had a lot of pride. She could relate to that. She wasn’t proud of a lot of things she’d said and done over the last several months. But she didn’t have the same regret as Josh. This was his wife. His marriage. And he could never have a do-over.
As he stared at the black water of the bay, Lizzie slid her arm off his arm and to his back, rubbing gently along his spine. “Josh, you put on a good face for everyone, don’t you?”
He shrugged beneath her hand, but she persistently left it where it was. “What good would it do,” he said bitterly, “to tell everyone the truth? She’s gone. I don’t want to be the guy who badmouths his dead wife. I might have been angry with her, I might have been hurt, but I never wanted her to die.”
“Of course you didn’t.” Lizzie’s heart melted, looking into his face, so closed against emotion. “And you don’t want anyone to think badly of her, because what’s the point, right? So you bottle all this inside and put on a smile for the world because Josh has to be the strong older brother and only son and town doctor and who knows what else.”
“Be careful,” he warned darkly, turning to face her, but she was glad of the spark of fire flickering in his eyes.
“You think I don’t see it? Come on, Josh. We’re more alike than you think. Russ Howard’s daughter who can’t make a mistake, who should look after her mother but keeps her in a home, who basically gets the boot from her job by her boss, who happens to be her ex? This is practically torture for a perfectionist like me.”
He pulled away. “I know all that,” he ground out. “You don’t need to keep reminding me that being in Jewell Cove is nothing more than a punishment for you!”
“That’s not what I meant!” Frustrated, Lizzie’s voice lifted a little. “Just tell me what you said, Josh. I promise you won’t go to hell or go up in flames or whatever it is you’re afraid of. Just say it and get it off your chest for once.”
“Fine.” He reached out and cupped her chin, lifting it a little so she had no choice but to look right in his eyes. “I told her she’d better decide who she was coming home to, and if it wasn’t me that she shouldn’t bother coming home at all.”
Despite her best intentions, Lizzie stepped back, away from his words, away from his touch. The pain and regret in his eyes seared her and she understood how much he must have hated himself all this time. What terrible, terrible last words to say to someone you loved. There was nothing Lizzie could say to make it better. It would just be platitudes. Of course he hadn’t meant it that way. It didn’t stop the remorse.
“See?” he accused. “You’re shocked. And you hardly know me.”
She knew him better than he realized, but she didn’t say so. They were already treading on shaky ground.
“I’m shocked because those words don’t sound like the person I’ve come to know these past weeks. And that tells me that you were hurt, and probably confused … and scared.”
She wished she hadn’t stepped back, and she made up for it by moving forward and putting her hand along his cheek. “I know what it’s like to be scared, Josh. To be afraid of losing what’s most important. Of not being good enough.” She swallowed and admitted, “Of being afraid you’ll never be good enough again.”
“Yes,” he said, looking her in the eyes. “But for me it was my heart.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re only talking about your job. But when you love someone, Lizzie, really love someone … you know what’s important. And it’s not a career or degree or a bank account balance or whatever. It comes down to who you are on the inside. What you think and how you treat people. And I’m not a very good person.”
She absorbed the insult because she knew that he was hurting. She also recognized a difficult truth in his words. She’d cared for Ian. She’d never loved him, not like that. She’d never loved anyone that way.
“You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. Certainly better than me,” she whispered, rubbing her thumb along Josh’s bottom lip. “But I’m thinking we could be good together, Josh. Because we see each other so clearly.”
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I don’t know that I see you all that clearly at all. I think I know you and then you do something that doesn’t follow.”
She slid closer. “Like what, Josh?”
“Like I know you’re focused on career and advancement, and you don’t like small towns, and you prefer the city, and frankly, when you first got here you struck me as being a snob.”
It might have actually hurt, except for the soft, husky quality of his voice. It rather reminded her of the scene in Pride and Prejudice where Darcy professed his love to Elizabeth despite her flaws, his face only a whisper away. The difference was they weren’t even close to being in love. This was lust, pure and simple.
“And then you do other things, and I realize I was wrong about you.” His breath caught a little.
She stood up on tiptoe and, feeling quite bold, gave his earlobe a nibble. “Is that so?”
His breath came out shaky. “Jesus, Lizzie.”
She let her lips feather over the skin of his neck. “Things like what?” she asked.
“Things like the look on your face when you pull up a line of fish. The way you cry about your mother. The way…” He shuddered beneath her touch. “The way you look at me sometimes.”
“How do I look at you, Josh?”
The heat seemed to have gone up ten degrees in the last two minutes. Lizzie touched the hollow of his throat with her tongue, tasting the warm saltiness of his skin.
“Like this.”
Finally his unshakeable control seemed to snap. He took her hair in his hand and tugged at it, pulling her head back firmly but not painfully, so that her lips were tilted up instead of buried in the tantalizing skin of his neck. And he kissed her, a possessive, grand kiss that nearly took the knees out from beneath her and had her gasping for breath, holding on to his shoulders as his tongue swept into her mouth and he pulled her body against his.
Their hands were everywhere. Josh’s gripped the hem of her T-shirt and he broke the kiss long enough to tug the garment over her head and drop it to the floor. His palm immediately covered her breast, the heat of him radiating through the black satin.
“Mmm,” she hummed, hastily unbuttoning his shirt, wondering what he’d say if she said screw the time-consuming part and just ripped it open the way she wanted. Desire was pulsing through her now, hot and liberating. Finally sh
e got rid of the last button and shoved the fabric over his shoulders. He moved his arms, awkwardly but efficiently, letting the shirt fall to the floor as she reached for the button and zipper of his cargo shorts.
And she might have had better progress if he hadn’t shoved his hand down inside her yoga pants, making her call out with pleasure.
Somehow her pants and panties ended up around her feet and she stomped out of them, and his shorts quickly followed.
“As awesome as it would be to take you right here,” he growled, “I think you’d better show me the way to the bedroom.” He briefly grabbed his shorts and reached for his wallet, pulled out a condom, and met her gaze with a searing, knowing look. “After the island I didn’t want to be caught unprepared again. I think we both knew this was inevitable.”
It was probably the most foolish thing in the world to do. He’d unloaded a fair chunk of baggage tonight, and he was feeling like shit because his best friend was going to be a father. Was she taking advantage because for the first time in months she was feeling a need so intense that nothing else mattered?
“It’s my turn to ask,” she said softly, closing her eyes as his fingers slid over the curve of her bottom. “Are you sure, Josh? Because I want you to be sure.”
His first answer was a kiss. Long, lazy, complete, with enough heat and intent to tell her that what had happened between them on the island was only a taste of what was to come.
“I’m sure. I want this, Lizzie. I want you. And that might be all I know for sure right now.”
Her libido was speaking far louder than her common sense. “Then that’s all I need to know,” she replied, and she turned away from him and started down the tiny hall to the master bedroom.
And if he kept his eyes on her ass the whole way, all the better.
CHAPTER 14
His phone rang at fourteen minutes after four.
Lizzie rolled over, but Josh never so much as flinched. She smiled to herself briefly as she reached for his cell. The display said: “R&J Sullivan” and she immediately sat up in bed, holding the covers to her chest.
“Josh. Josh, wake up. It’s your phone and it’s Jess.”
“Hmph,” he mumbled.
The ringing stopped.
“Josh!” She gave him a nudge this time. “Josh, wake up. It’s the middle of the night and Jess called. It has to be important.”
He rolled to his back, scrubbed his hand over his face, and blinked a few times. “It’s Jess?”
“I didn’t want to answer, in case you didn’t want her to know … you know. That we’d spent the night together.”
More like Lizzie didn’t want Jess to know. The last thing she needed was his family knowing what had gone on here tonight. Even minus the steamy details … of which there were many.
So many. Feminine muscles curled and contracted in remembrance.
He sat up, held out his hand. “Okay. Okay. God, I usually don’t sleep that soundly. I’ll call her back.”
She put the phone in his hand and watched as he hit the button to call Jess back and waited for the phone to ring. She picked up after the first ring. Lizzie heard the tone, the click, and Jess’s voice on the line in the utter quiet of the bedroom.
“Oh, thank God,” Lizzie heard Jess say. “Josh, my water broke fifteen minutes ago. Rick’s taking me to the hospital.”
“Are you having contractions yet?”
“I thought they were just Braxton Hicks tonight at Sarah’s. Best guess, according to Rick’s watch, I’m seven minutes apart.”
“You’ve got some time yet. And first ones tend to be a little slower, so don’t panic. You go with Rick, and I’ll meet you there, okay?”
“Okay.” There was a beat of silence and then Lizzie heard Jess’s voice once more. “Josh, I’m scared.”
“Hell, Jess, you’ve been through far worse and at the end you’re going to have a beautiful baby to hold in your arms. You just remember that. And I’ll be there soon. Have I ever let you down?”
“Not once.” Conversation broke off and Lizzie heard long, labored breaths through the phone. Josh simply waited until the contraction was over.
“Phew,” Jess breathed. “Okay. We’re off. Call Mom and Sarah, okay?”
“I will. See you soon.”
He clicked off the phone. “Well. Looks like I’m off to the hospital.”
“She called you first. Before your mom, or sister. Because you’re a doctor?”
Josh shook his head. “No. A long time ago Jess was in a bad situation. I helped get her out of it. It’s made us really close is all. When she’s in a pinch, I get a call.”
“That’s sweet.”
“She’s my sister. Of course I look after her.”
He slid out of bed and Lizzie got a quick glimpse of a beautiful tight butt before he pulled on his underwear. “Look, Lizzie, I’m sorry to run out without at least buying you breakfast.”
“It’s okay. Your family needs you.”
He nodded. She’d half-hoped he’d ask her to go with him, but he didn’t. And deep down she knew it was smart. Work and personal life completely separate, just the way she wanted, right? So why did it sting?
He had to go to the living room for his shirt, so Lizzie slid out from beneath the covers, shrugged on a light robe, and followed him. “Josh, hang tight a minute. You’ve hardly had any sleep. Let me at least make you a coffee for the road.” She turned on the coffeemaker and snagged a pod of Italian roast to put in the dispenser. She only had one travel mug, and it was stainless steel emblazoned with the words “Trust Me, I’m a Doctor” on it. She put it beneath the dispenser and hit the button once the water was hot.
Josh appeared behind her, buttoning the last button of his shirt. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I would have made you eggs, but I get the feeling time is of the essence. Go ahead and call Meggie and Sarah while it’s brewing.”
He did, saying he was just grabbing a coffee before heading to the hospital, agreeing to meet the rest of his family there. Lizzie heard Meggie agree to call Abby … this was turning out to be a whole family affair. And it would have warmed Lizzie’s heart if she didn’t feel so left out.
Ridiculous.
She put the top on the coffee and handed it to him as he was putting his phone in his pocket.
“Sorry about this,” he apologized again.
“Don’t be silly.” She smiled. “Your sister is having a baby. Big day. She needs her big brother. Go.”
“I’ll text you later with news, okay?”
“Of course. And I’ll handle the office. We have walk-in hours today.”
“Right. Shit.”
She swallowed tightly. Before drifting off to sleep, she’d kind of imagined them getting up, having breakfast, going into the clinic together.
What on earth had she been thinking? What a crazy, dumb idea. It was far too cozy a thought. Certainly not what she wanted. Last night was what she’d wanted for a while now, wasn’t it? Hot, satisfying sex with no strings, no repercussions at work?
“I got this,” she said hoarsely, needing him to leave now. “Go. Jess’ll be looking for you.”
“Thanks.” He hesitated, then leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss. “Thanks for last night. It was…”
“Yeah,” she replied softly. “It was.”
He flashed her a grin and then went to the door, opened it, looked back for a flash of a moment, and closed it behind him.
His truck started up, lights came on, and the beam of light moved across the kitchen as he backed out of the driveway and turned onto the road.
It was only then that Lizzie realized that she’d left her car at the clinic yesterday and that Josh had gone, taking her ride to work with him.
* * *
It was strange for Josh to be sitting in the waiting room rather than being in among the action. But Jess had her obstetrician, and Rick and Meggie were there to help her through. Josh had gone in briefly to kiss her forehea
d and tell her he was here, but then he’d gone to the waiting room with Sarah and Abby to wait. Tom, Abby explained, would be by later once there was news.
Tom.
The mess of feelings about Tom and Abby having a baby were now all twined up together with what had happened at Lizzie’s. How the hell she and Josh had managed to go from his screwed-up relationship with Erin to making love still blew his mind, but he suspected that they’d both been looking for an excuse for a while. Ever since Lovers’ Island, really. They’d started something that day that had been leading to last night.
He took a long sip of strong coffee, thanked Lizzie silently for the dark roast, and leaned back in his chair.
Tom had moved on. Why was it so hard for Josh? He knew, deep down, that it wasn’t a case of who’d loved Erin more. Tom had loved Erin with all his heart. And he’d loved Josh, too. That knowledge was slightly uncomfortable. They’d been like brothers, and Tom had isolated himself rather than fight for Erin, rather than put himself in the middle of the marriage. It said a lot about the man Tom was. Said a lot about Josh, too, a lot that he wasn’t very proud of.
He should have stepped aside.
But if he had, Tom wouldn’t have Abby, and Josh also knew in his heart that Abby and Tom were meant to be together.
Damn, life could be complicated sometimes.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Abby interrupted.
He turned his head and smiled at her. “I think you might need more than a penny.”
She frowned and took the chair next to him. “Are you okay, Josh? I mean, with Tom and me? You left pretty soon after our announcement last night.”
Josh swallowed the bitterness, focused on the good. “Of course I am. I’m happy for you two.”
“He really wants you to be happy, too, you know. I think he still feels a little guilty sometimes. Like he doesn’t deserve happiness until you find it, too.” She smiled softly. “What a tangled web, huh?”