The Woman Who Is Always Tan and Has a Flat Stomach

by Lauren Allison

  The woman at the spa applied the tanning cream, and I went home and waited three to four hours for my beautiful bronze tan to appear. What happened, however, was that I turned a light, pallid color. This in no way approached the spa’s descriptive “bronze” or “tan.” I compared myself to my husband, who had not yet been out in the sun at all this year, and I could see I was still lighter than he was. Of course, he tans from the FASTEN SEAT BELT light when he starts his car.

  My pallor prompted me to call the spa lady back to inquire about what had happened to my “beautiful bronze glow.” She said, “Lauren, when you start out the color of a white laser, you’ll probably need several applications to make it up to the shade of ‘bronze.’ ”

  “Considering my skin tones, how many applications do you think would be necessary?”

  “Maybe sixteen or seventeen. But we don’t have that much bronzer on hand. We could special order it, though I doubt I’ll be able to get that much.”

  It’s hard to go through life trying to compete with a cadaver.

  About the Authors

  LISA PERRY and LAUREN ALLISON originally self-published The Woman Who Is Always Tan and Has a Flat Stomach (And Other Annoying People) in 2005, winning two awards in the categories of humor and best title from the Colorado Independent Publishers Association. Lisa Perry has a doctorate from the University of Denver and works as a clinical psychologist in private practice. Lauren has her B.A. from Monmouth College and owns an art business. In 2003, they teamed up to speak to women’s organizations and businesses. They have appeared on television and radio programs across the country.