The Heart's Ashes

by A. M. Hudson

  “Ara, please?”

  “No! Just go—just leave me to die, David.” I ran for the lake and stepped out into the icy cool, losing my breath to the chill in two layered intakes, unable to catch it for a second as the water touched my waist.

  “Ara!” David called, and everything went quiet under his voice. The moonlight lit the water with a pale-blue line, the wind stopped blowing and the trees became so still I was afraid I’d managed to die in the first rush of cold.

  “How did you do that?” I turned back to look at him, standing on the shore, his head angled to the ground, his trench coat dripping, seeming heavy with the weight of water. “How did you stop the storm?”

  “I can manipulate many things in my world, Ara-Rose.” His fingers folded around my arm suddenly. “But the one thing I cannot control is you. And what scares me is that I know—” He sharply turned my face to look at him. “I know, from the thoughts in your head, that you will—that if I leave you, you will kill yourself, and it scares me. How do I compete with that? What am I supposed to do with that?”

  The stillness in the lake, the trees and the breeze made me feel almost breathless. The water around us felt warmer than it first was, and even David’s icy touch became heated somehow. “Just let me die, David. You won’t stay, and I’m no good without you. I don’t know why you keep taunting me with this falsified love.”

  “Falsified!” His eyes darted over my face. “You know exactly what you are to me, Ara-Rose.”

  I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me.

  “Don’t. You. Ever. Think—for one second, that you don’t matter to me.” He planted a restless, aching kiss to my lips and pulled away. “You are everything to me. Do you understand?”

  I responded only with a sniffle, being silent like the night before speaking. “But not enough to risk punishment.”

  “Ara—”

  “Did you think of me?” I asked. “When you were gone, did you ever even think of me?”

  He shook his head. “I tried not to.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I couldn’t imagine you in my dreams the way you really were.”

  “What did that matter?”

  He swallowed hard, his throat moving with the lump. “I had to force myself to close my eyes, just to picture the way yours lit up when you smiled—the way your eyelids fluttered in your sleep, the way your body shivered under my touch. All those little subtleties were so uniquely you. No other creature in the world responded to me the way you did. There was no movie I could watch to compare your touch, no actress I could look upon to see the turn of your lip when you were thinking, and when I laid awake, remembering you, remembering the things we did with each other, it was sterile. Bland. All those little things were gone. I could never have imagined them—could never have dreamed of such beauty, because you are not anything like I’ve ever encountered before.”

  “So you tried to forget me?”

  “No. I just didn’t want to insult your memory by picturing you wrong. It would be like hanging a Monet in a hall lit with disco lighting.”

  I smiled at that.

  The calm of David’s magic on the night remained, a feeling like silk on my heart, and I knew the storm was constant up above our secret little world, raging, and I’d be called to return to it too soon, leaving David, the calm, the warmth, the lake, behind.

  “Can we pretend?” I looked at him in the darkness, wishing I could see his face clearly. “Just—can we pretend you’re staying? Just for a while?”

  “What good would that do?”

  “So I can feel alive again—to know what it feels like.”

  He raised a brow. “You sound like a vampire.”

  “Ha.” I wish I was.

  “No, you don’t.” He grabbed my hand and pulled it gently until we faced each other, the silky water lapping just under my bra line, dragging the ends of my hair downward in a weighted tug.

  “No, but I do wish we could have been immortal together.”

  “If there was a way—” He left it hanging. I wondered why he didn’t mention the Lilithians. Wondered if it was because it was too late to choose that option, or if maybe he didn’t want that anymore.

  “We can have one thing, though,” I said. The hopeful glint in my smile, hinting at the obvious things I wanted to do with him, brought a surge of heat to my chest.

  David checked his watch. “I don’t have long.”

  “Long enough,” I said, reaching forward to slide my hands inside the neck of his jacket, pushing it from his shoulders. It floated on the surface of the lake before dipping, then disappearing beneath the dark.

  David and I watched it; he shrugged. “Never liked that coat anyway.”

  I looked up at the strange calm; the clouds overhead were moving fast, flashing blue with streaks of lightening every few seconds, but here, in David’s world, we couldn’t even hear the thunder. “This doesn’t feel real.”

  His hands tightened on my body, scrunching my clothing up inside fists of desire as I wrapped my legs around his waist, letting the water lift me into his arms. “Well, if this is a dream,” he said, “it’s a damn good one.”

  “Just shut up and kiss me.”

  He laughed once then forced his lips on mine, shocking me with the ferocity, the tension and lust he’d saved up all this time, the kind that left everything else on our bodies wanting, starving for oxygen.

  My hands moved fast across his chest, memorising each bone in his shoulder, his ribs and his jaw, and he met my passion and fury with the same fast searching, his fingers daring to inch beyond my waist, to my hips, and along my shoulder blades under my shirt.

  His sweet scent and the flavour of his breath had been gone so long it was no longer enough. I needed him—all of him. I needed him inside me, on me, everywhere I could have him—everywhere humanly possible.

  He leaned back and smiled at me. “Clothes off?”

  I didn’t even think then. I grabbed the base of his shirt, peeling it upward as he arched his elbows and lifted it from his skin, casting it to the shore with one flick.

  My breath shuddered.

  In the pale moonlight, he looked like a vampire; his features chiselled and more refined, his eyes dark and mysterious, his smile, with his fangs showing, deathly.

  Without taking his eyes off mine, his fingers crept up my spine, tracing every knuckle of bone until he lifted my shirt and unclipped my bra. My breath fell hot and short through my smile. I lifted my arms as he rolled my sticky, moisture-heavy shirt off my body, and sent it flying to the shore as well, then let out a long breath, infused with profanity, as he studied me.

  “What?” I said.

  “I forgot how beautiful you are.”

  A rush of love flooded through me as our skin touched. I folded over, burying my face in his neck, wrapping my arms tightly around him, my breasts falling heavily against his chest. He traced loving lines over the back of my neck, then pressed each digit of his fingertips into my shoulder blades.

  When the desperation to feel love passed, up rose the desire again, making everything in my body hot against the cool water. Lightning flashed above us—illuminating the lake like a stage, and as I pressed my lips to his again, not bothered by the wetness exchanged with each touch, the storm broke through his hold—cracking thunder bringing down a torrent of rain on top of us.

  He laughed into my mouth, his breath becoming my next. “Sorry,” he said, “I can’t hold the elements while concentrating...elsewhere.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, nibbling his neck, “I like the rain on our skin.”

  He stopped me, lifting me from his flesh with a gentle hand, then leaned out from our hold a little so he could study me. With soft hands, a touch reserved for the most breakable things, he cupped my breast and sighed. “I’ve never touched you here before.”

  “Yes, you have. In my dreams.”

  He smiled. “And what else have I done in your dreams?”

  I fe
lt my cheeks blush, but the heat that rose with it only made me want him more. As I reached down between my legs to unbutton my jeans, David’s hand caught mine.

  “Stop.”

  “Why?” I met his eyes just in time to see a smile spread across his lips. “Why?”

  He dropped his shaking head, kissing the place my locket used to sit. “You know why.”

  “Oh my God! The virginity thing?”

  “Yes.”

  “But that’s not fair.” I placed my feet back on the sandy surface of the lake. “I don’t want to give it to anyone else—ever. Except you. Why don’t you want it?”

  “Oh, Ara.” He placed his thumb to my quivering lip. “Sweetheart—it was never that I didn’t want your virginity.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “No, my love. It’s not.” He bundled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. “I never told you this, but, when a vampire takes the virginity of a human, she’s bound to him—for all eternity. She will be incapable of feeling for another man. The connection will go deeper than just the physical—deeper than the soul.”

  “Then why won’t you let me have that with you?”

  “Because you won’t be able to forget me, Ara.”

  “I can’t now. Can’t you see that?” I studied his eyes.

  “But there’s a hope.”

  I wanted to hate him for that, but if there wasn’t a hope, or at least a hope of hope, then I would be a lost cause.

  David chewed the inside of his lip. “What are we going to do?”

  “Run away together?” I smiled, wishing he would.

  “Wait!” His eyes narrowed as he pressed his nose to my hair. “Ara—when did you see Jason?”

  “Tonight.”

  “I knew it. I knew I could smell him on you.” He took my face in both hands and looked deep into my eyes with his liquid-green stare; “What did he want—did he hurt you?”

  “No.” I shook my head, unclenching David’s fingers from my face. “No, he—he saved me.”

  “What?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “Show me,” David ordered in a short tone, touching my face again.

  “No.”

  “Ara. Show me. Please?”

  “Okay, okay.” I closed my eyes and replayed the memory of everything that happened today with Eric and Karnivale, Jason and our chat, Emily and...Mike.

  David pulled back suddenly and tilted his head. “Shit.”

  “Did you just say shit?”

  He didn’t answer, but simply placed his hand over my heart. “It hurt you to see Mike and Emily like that.”

  “It shouldn’t though, should it?”

  “Of course it should.” His brow pulled, making rivers for the rain to travel down. “Poor girl. Ara, I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I kind of pushed them in that direction, I guess.”

  “By telling him to move on?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. Sort of.”

  “That doesn’t excuse it.”

  “I know. But I am happy for them—kind of.”

  “Liar.” He smiled, pressing my nose with the tip of his finger. “They do make a good couple, though.”

  “So did we—but it didn’t matter.”

  “It does matter. I’m still here. I still love you.”

  “But for how long? By the time this rain stops, you’ll be gone, and I’ll just be dead again.”

  David took a breath and let it out slowly. “Come on, you’re cold. We need to get you home.”

  “We?”

  He nodded. “We.”

  The lift of my cheeks into a smile spread uncontrollable joy across my face. “Really?”

  He pushed the stray hairs from my cheeks on both sides. “Just for tonight.”

  “I’ll take tonight.”

  “Come on then, let’s not waste it in this freezing lake.”

  He took my arm and helped me to the shore, dressing before I’d even picked up my shirt.

  “Great, my bra is gone,” I said to myself, then looked up as David, with round eyes under a frown, took my arm and forced me to stand. “What?”

  “Have you been eating?”

  “Yes.” I hid my breasts from his stare.

  “Why are you so thin?”

  “I’m fine—I eat,” I said, turning away to put my shirt over my head. “I just don’t put weight on anymore.”

  David’s fingers smoothed down my shoulders from behind and rested in a clasp around my stomach. “Is it because you’re so sad?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know.” I rolled my cheek into his face.

  “If I stay for a while—maybe—a little longer than just one night, will you be happy again?”

  I shrugged. “Depends—on how long.”

  “Long enough for you to be healthy.”

  “Yes, but then I’ll never get healthy again.” I turned in his arms and smiled up at him. “You abandoned the Set, why can’t you just be with me now?”

  “Because the laws are strict. I was a council leader. It comes with great consequences if you abandon that. They will imprison me—and kill you—if they catch me with you.”

  “So?”

  “So, I don’t want you dead.”

  “You don’t want to live without me either, do you? Which is worse?”

  “Ara, the Set...if they catch you...”

  “I know. It won’t just be death. They’ll torture me too, and make what Jason did to me look like child’s-play.”

  He raised a brow at me. “Clued in, aren’t we?”

  “Yes. And I don’t care. We can run; we’ll run for the rest of my life if it means we get to be together.”

  “And what kind of life would that be? There can be no children, no peace. Ara, you want a normal life.” He touched my cheek, his eyes delving into mine.

  “I changed my mind, though—I don’t care about any of that now.”

  “Hm, yes.” He smiled warmly and looked down to one side. “I did see that in your memory.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Yes. And your uh—celibacy.”

  I stared at him, my brow pulling low over one side.

  “I went a little further back than you allowed,” he confessed.

  “Cheeky.” I pointed in his face. “How far back?”

  “I wanted to see the wedding—when you ran away.”

  “Not my proudest moment.” I looked down at my empty ring finger.

  David’s arms tightened around me. He rested his forehead against mine. “That may be so, precious girl, but I’m proud of you. You did the right thing.”

  “You think?”

  “I know.” He stepped out from my body and started walking, keeping his arm around me. “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

  Chapter 8

  “Are you cold?” David asked, touching the heater dial.

  I wrapped my arms tighter around my shoulders and nodded. Curse these chattering teeth.

  David smiled—his secret smile—then turned his eyes back to the road. Warm heat, like breath, encircled the icy-talons on the stubs of my palm as I held them up to the vent. “D-did you d-drive your car to the l-lake,” I managed to shiver out.

  “Yes.” He reached across and stole my hand. “But I’ll pick it up tomorrow.”

  “Well.” I looked at the speedometer. “Don’t speed in my car—you’ll g-get me a tick—”

  “Okay.” He saved me the hassle of finishing the lecture, and the car tugged slightly as his lead-weighted foot eased from the accelerator. “I remember now—you don’t like breaking road rules.”

  “How easily you forget.”

  “Forget? Or hope you wouldn’t notice.”

  “I always notice.”

  He smiled in return, keeping his eyes on the road. “Do you think Emily and Mike will have waited up?”

  “I don’t know.” I looked at the clock, then the fuel light. “I hope so. I feel bad. I kinda freaked out.”

  David chuck
led softly. “Yeah. You did. Well—” he nodded to the house, “—looks like they waited up. Porch light’s still on.”

  I sat up from my huddle and looked at my house. “Wait, how do you know where I live?”

  “I uh—” he wiped his hand down his face and grinned, “I read it in your thoughts.”

  “Oh.” I slumped back in my chair; and here I was thinking he might’ve actually cared enough to be checking up on me.

  “Hey.” He squeezed my hand. “Don’t be like that. I did, I mean, I do care enough to check up on you—I just—I didn’t know where you were.”

  “Why? It isn’t hard to find a person.”

  “Well, that’s why I was at the lake.” He turned the engine off and we sat in the drive. “I was trying to decide if I should go ask your Dad, or if, maybe, I should leave you alone. Imagine my surprise when you showed up.”

  “Not how you planned your night, huh?”

  “Certainly not,” he scoffed. “Then again, I don’t suppose you planned to meet your attacker, nearly get killed, then see your two best friends in bed together, either, did you?”

  I wish he hadn’t said that. I looked up at the gloomy-looking house; once a refuge, now a tower of impossible emotions. I couldn’t sort them all out in my head, and I didn’t know which ones I even wanted to sort. “What do I say to them, David?”

  “Just listen to your heart.” He stroked my cheek with his thumb. “You’ll know what to say.”

  “Hm.” I opened my door. “Helpful.”

  David laughed, standing on the driveway in front of me before I’d fully turned away from him. “Want me to come in with you, or wait here for a minute?”

  “You better wait here. I don’t need Em freaking out over you before I get to talk to her.”

  “Okay. But—” he grabbed my hand as I walked away, “I’ll be here if you need me. Just say my name and I’ll come.”

  “Okay.” I stepped backward, one slow step at a time. “Don’t go anywhere, okay?”

  “Okay.” He jammed his hands into his pockets.

  “Promise.” I pointed at him.

  He nodded, smiling. “I promise.”

  It was hard to walk up the drive, shivering from the nasty cold stored in my clothes, made worse by the circling breeze. The storm here had settled, but it left a breath of winter behind.