The Heart's Ashes

by A. M. Hudson

Memories flashed at me, like light through a fan blade, and I watched the images fade, one by one; a breath, a touch of skin, warmed by the orange glow of candlelight. It was like each memory of things we did the night I kissed Jason came back; a welcome gift from the sentry of this world.

  I smiled, watching them happen—gaining so much of our past, all at once, though I was sure he’d not shared all of it. “Thanks, Jase,” I whispered quietly, standing up.

  The silvery grass dipped under my snaking fingertips as I walked through the field. With the full moon lighting my way, I could see further than ever before—all the way to a tree-covered hill in the distance, giving this place a kind of life, or maybe truth to it I never wanted to admit.

  Feeling more comfortable being here for the second time, that I remembered, anyway, I took more in, wanting to remember more—answer some of the questions I’d had in my head all week. I only took notice of such a small area last time, and wondered how far this world truly went—how much life it had of its own.

  Somewhere in the distance, a sound like waves crashing on rocks, mixed with the subtle burn of seaweed in my nose, reminded me of my visit to Connecticut when I was a little girl.

  But other than the noise, the smells and the feel of this place, I was the only other life form. A part of me wanted Jason to be here, wanted to talk with him about everything. I felt more alive here tonight, like I’d finally been given my wits back, or like I was awake with new eyes. Perhaps that drug was still in my system, or maybe I just felt so safe in this world that, for the first time, I felt total control over something.

  “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  I turned to look at him, Jason, so ruggedly handsome in his white button-down shirt—almost looking younger than his brother. Maybe it was a kind of innocence behind his eyes that David had lost long ago, I wasn’t sure, but Jason, even on the night he kidnapped me, always held so much depth behind his eyes. It made me want to ask him what he was thinking. “Did you know I was coming?”

  He shook his head at a half a turn. “I just hoped you would.”

  Awkward tension rolled across my shoulders. I gripped the edges of my skirt, wishing I could fight the urge to apologise for freaking out last time.

  “You don’t need to apologise, Ara. I shouldn’t have put that on you—you weren’t ready.”

  I nodded. “It was a shock.”

  He smiled sympathetically. “I know. It was for me, too.”

  I took a breath, relaxing into the dream.

  “Is David back yet?” he asked.

  “Oh, you mean you haven’t been stalking me?” I said, laughing, then sat down by the tree, scooping my skirt under my legs as I landed in the grass.

  “No, not today anyway.”

  “Then how did you know he was out?”

  “I can read your every thought.”

  The only one that really played, though, was David kissing that girl. “No. He’s not back yet. I’m not sure he will come back.”

  Jason landed beside me. “He will.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  When he took my hand, I pulled it away abruptly. “Don’t do that. I can’t be with you like that, Jason, I still haven’t—”

  “Okay. Let’s not have this talk.” He raised a palm between us. “Not now, okay. Can we just...” He looked up at the night and pushed his hands apart, making the daylight enter as if melting through a crack in a wall. “Let’s just enjoy today.”

  My mouth sat open. “That was cool. What else can you do?”

  He took my hand, helping me to stand. “Many things.”

  “Can you fly?” I asked, hopeful.

  “For you?” He raised my hand, bowing to kiss it. “I can do anything.”

  We both looked up then, hearing a voice.

  “Ara?” it said again.

  Darkness surrounded me. I moved my hand, suddenly laying down, and tried to rub the night away from my eyes, unable to make the daylight return.

  “Ara, you awake?” David said softly into my hair.

  “I am now,” I said, groggy and tense from the sudden absence of my dream. “You’re back?”

  “Was it ever a question I would be?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you want me to be here?”

  I sat up. “What kind of question is that?”

  He leaned back against the bed, staring ahead. “I hurt you tonight.”

  “No. You woke me up.”

  “I’m sorry. I should let you sleep.” He went to stand; I grabbed his arm.

  “I didn’t mean now. I meant...I meant that when I saw you tonight—kill that girl—you woke me up, David.”

  He sat back down. “Why don’t I like the sound of this?”

  I looked at my lap. “Look, I always knew you were a vampire—a killer. But I’d...I might’ve seen death, David, but never at your hands. It’s real. That girl is dead because you killed her. And for what—for blood?”

  He nodded, his soul falling away inside; I could feel it.

  “But I love you,” I concluded with a shrug. “I know it’s bad and I know I should burn in hell for this, but I love you, David, and I can’t stop loving you just because you’re a vampire.”

  He smiled so softly, like he was at peace. “I wish you had come to this conclusion last year. But this—” he seemed stuck, tossing his head in a jerked movement, “—this life I live, it’s more than I can ever expect you to have to put up with—any human to put up with.”

  “I have to put up with it, because I can’t let you go. Not yet.”

  He sighed heavily, his shoulders dropping, his posture sagging, as if he were utterly exhausted. “I can’t live without the bite, sweetheart—it hurts. My teeth crave it, my body craves it. I need you to know that. I just—”

  “You don’t want me to hate you.” I took his hand; he let me.

  “I couldn’t live if you hated me, and I physically cannot die, so I need you to love me, Ara, for all my faults and horrors. I just need you to love me.” His eyes met mine with a depth inside the questioning that caused my heart to stop short.

  I inched forward, a rise of desperation moving me, my eyes wide as I reached for his face. “I love you. Don’t ever question that. I love you for everything you are, David. I won’t give this up, not while I can still touch you, see you, feel you. I won’t think about the death. I won’t think about the blood. I just—I just want you.” I sat back and dropped his hand, staring across the room to my mirror. “But...I can’t ignore—”

  David winced, taking a sharp breath. “I know. Ara. I know I kissed that girl. I—” He rubbed his chin. “I have nothing but an apology, my love. I can’t even begin to make it right.”

  “You don’t need to, I guess.” My own stupid plan came back to bite me. “It’s not like we’re together.”

  “Except, in my heart—” he touched his chest, “—we are. And that gives me no excuse for what I did.”

  I looked into his eyes. “I know what the blood lust does. It must’ve been hard to resist going further—after not having a kill for so long.”

  He stared at me, confusion surrounding him. “Who explained that to you, was it Eric?”

  I nodded; David looked away.

  “Is that bad? Didn’t you want me to know that?”

  “I guess...I guess I just wanted to be the one to explain it to you.”

  “You weren’t in the right frame of mind.”

  “I am now though.” He leaned closer, shutting us into our own world of secrets. “I will answer any questions you have.”

  “Discretionally?”

  “Honestly.”

  “Did you have sex with her?” I said sharply.

  “Ara?” He doubled back. “You know what I am. You know what I do—you’ve seen it now—you shouldn’t ask those questions.”

  “Why? Why shouldn’t I?” The thought of him with another girl felt like poison in my blood, kidnapping my heart.


  “Do you not know?” He shook his head, turning fully to face me. “Do I need to spell it out for you?”

  I nodded.

  “I would never, ever do that to you, Ara. You should know me better than that by now. I love you—only you.” He squeezed my hand, raising his voice a little. “I will never have another as long as I live. Sometimes, girl, I really don’t know how you come up with these things?” He looked away, shaking his head.

  My mouth hung open. “But…but the lust. I mean, I saw the way you kissed her—”

  “I got carried away. But it would never be enough to make me go that far.”

  Now, that I understood, especially after Mike-and-the-lake. “I guess you’re only human.”

  He took a sideways glance to smile at me. “In part.”

  “No, David.” I touched his chest. “In heart.”

  He cupped my hand. “And you think I’m corny.”

  I rolled back to lay on my pillow. “You love my corny.”

  He laid down beside me, still in his clothes—the ones he wore while killing that girl. “Yes, I do. Do you mind if I lay?”

  “I don’t think friends should share a bed.”

  He groaned. “Come on, Ara? Stop this friend thing, please? It’s killing me.”

  “Stay and I’ll stop it.” I smiled smugly, aware he could see it even in the darkness.

  “My love, what happened tonight has only cemented what I already knew; our worlds don’t mix. I’ll be leaving in a few days, and you’re wasting all this time on some silly belief that I’ll change my mind.”

  “I have to hope you will, David. What else have I got?”

  “Right now, for a little longer—you’ve got me.”

  Feeling my chest go tight, I shook my head. “I can’t let myself get lost in you. I’ll go too deep. I won’t come back up again.”

  “I understand that.” He sat quiet for so long I almost thought he was asleep, until he startled me with “When I leave, will you be with him?”

  “Him?”

  “Mike.”

  “He’s with Emily, David.”

  “Believe me, that means nothing when it comes to you.”

  “Honour means everything to Mike. He won’t betray that.”

  “Do you want him to?”

  “Have you been in my head lately?” I asked, knowing full well I’d still had thoughts about Mike—despite he and Emily being together. It was the lake; I couldn’t help but to think about it—think how much I...enjoyed it.

  “I might have heard one or two things.”

  “This is why thoughts should be private. I’d never act on them.”

  “Do you want to?” he asked again, more insistent.

  It angered me to think about it—because I knew the answer, and I knew he was right to ask for the truth. “No.”

  David smiled to himself—his secret smile. “He loves you, you know.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “He wants me.”

  “And you want him,” he stated.

  “We’ve been through this, David.”

  “I know, I just—” He took a breath of hesitation.

  “You don’t trust me.”

  “It’s not that. Look, I…I have to ask you something, and I need you to answer me truthfully.”

  Uh-oh. “Okay,” I squeaked.

  “I’ve been here for a while now, Ara, and in that time—” He readjusted his position. “In that time, you’ve not...well...are you pregnant?”

  “What?” I pressed up off the bed with my palms. “Why would you think that? I—I’m a virgin. You know that.”

  “So you say, but I know your cycles, and, in the entire time I’ve been here, Ara, you’ve not had even one…er…well, you haven’t had a…”

  “A period?” My lip curled; I slumped back on the pillow, covering my face with my hands.

  “Yes, one of those.”

  Oh, my God! “Okay. First of all, I’m not even going to ask how you know that, and second?” I sat up and looked at him. “Why on earth would your first conclusion for my lack of menstruation be that I’d had sex with some other guy and was now carrying his child?”

  “It’s not,” he said. “I mean, it wasn’t—it just—it’s my fear, Ara. Okay? I was afraid you might have let your humanistic weakness’ get in the way of how you feel for me.”

  I slammed my hands down beside me. “David!”

  “So—” he leaned around and looked at my probably very red face, “—you’re not pregnant?”

  “God! No!”

  “Then why…”

  “Because I’m stressed, okay?” I rolled away from him. “I don’t get that when I’m stressed.”

  “Stressed?”

  “Yes—you know that—you know I’ve been stressed.”

  “No, sweetheart, I didn’t.” He ran his fingers gently over my back. “I don’t hear your thoughts, remember? And you act so happy around me. I really didn’t notice.”

  I rolled my shoulder, twisting at the waist to look at him. “I can’t believe you thought I’d—”

  “I’m sorry. It was silly. I do know you better than that. I just—I’d normally read your thoughts instead of asking you, but I can’t, and I feel incredibly uncomfortable—unstable sort of—like I can’t protect you, and, Ara?” He rolled me onto my back. “You are extraordinarily young and naïve. You see the good in everything. It would be so easy for someone to take advantage of that.”

  “So, you weren’t scared I’d cheated on you—only that someone had taken advantage of me?”

  “No. I was scared of both.” He laughed. “But more afraid that if you had found yourself in the arms of another man, you’d never tell me, because you’d be too afraid I’d hate you.”

  “You would hate me.”

  “I’d try my hardest not to.”

  “I’d hate you—if you did it.”

  “Then, I promise—” he held up three fingers, a Scout’s Honour, “—I will, for the rest of eternity, never lay a hand on another girl.”

  “Don’t be silly, David. I’ll be dead one day, what then?”

  “I won’t stop loving you just because you’re dead, Ara.” He frowned down at me. “I will never touch another girl—not now that I’ve touched you. Nothing could compare.”

  “But we haven’t even had sex.”

  “Exactly. It took one caress of your flawlessly soft skin, one taste of your perfect lips and I was hooked. For the rest of forever, no other girl will ever be enough for me.”

  “What about me, then, David? I can’t promise you the same.”

  David swallowed. “That, my love, is something I came to accept a long time ago.”

  “So, you think I’m a slut, too?”

  “What? Ara? I never said that.”

  “You implied it.” I folded my arms.

  David took a breath to speak, but paused as thought flooded his eyes. “Hang on, you said too. Who said you’re a slut?”

  Jason—in a roundabout way. “No one. I just...I feel like one, because of what I did with Mike.”

  “Oh, Ara.” He rested his forehead against mine. “Sweetheart, you’re not a slut—you’re just a very confused girl. And you should be confused; you’ve been through hell. I would never think you’re a slut, my love, not even if you had slept with Mike.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “But, would you be mad if I had?”

  He drew a long, deep breath. “You and I aren’t even together, Ara. I have no official claim to you.”

  “But, would you be mad?”

  His fingers tightened around my cheeks. “Seething.”

  I smiled. “Good.”

  David sat, his back to where I stood, my blue guitar securely against his chest, his arm moving softly, effortlessly as he strummed. He knew I was watching, I was sure, but he would’ve just smiled—his secret smile—and continued to play, wishing he could hear my thoughts.

  “And I move my life, I’m hypnotised.�
� He strummed twice, slapping the strings, giving the song a soulful, bluesy feel. “But I give my life up, keep the fight up, want to know if you would go...”

  I loved this song. I moved over and sat beside him, wishing he were singing it to me—the meaning being one of two people fighting to stay together against all odds.

  His hand shot rigidly in the pattern of his strum, up and down over the strings, his shoulder moving with the flow, the joy of singing radiant in his smiling eyes. I was suddenly so much more in love with him than I was a minute ago.

  When his voice hit a high note, the strumming stopped, his song floating into every corner of the room and my heart, bringing fire and rain with it. I touched my chest and he started strumming again, louder, the song coming to a magnificent end.

  “And I won’t...no, I won’t...” He smiled so warmly. “Let you go.”

  That cold feeling when something warm has left the room passed over us for a moment after his beautiful voice no longer filled the space.

  He sat the guitar on the coffee table. “You okay, Ara?”

  “I think you just ate my soul then spat it out into an airless vat.”

  With a mocking hand to my shoulder, he leaned close. “Just breathe.”

  “I totally get how groupies feel.”

  David laughed, crossing the room to hook the guitar in the clamp on the wall, then just stood there, his arms folded, taking in the shiny blue instrument, as if at an art museum.

  “Something on your mind, vampire-boy?” I said, touching his shoulder.

  He half turned, keeping his arms folded. “Eric tells me the hunters discovered the true identity of the girl they were following—the one that was supposed to be you.”

  I nodded. I expected that. Time passed so quickly; I barely even noticed the weeks. But Jason did say it would happen soon. I’d hoped for three months, but a month was better than the one night David originally promised me. “So, when are you leaving?”

  He offered his hand; I took it. “Not yet.”

  “When?”

  His fingers tightened on mine. I knew the answer was When you let me go. But I also knew I wasn’t ready to do that yet. Those vampires would be beating down my door before I was willing to say goodbye, and even then...well...

  “Just...not yet,” he said.