Zombies, Werewolves, Whores, and More!

by Jerrod Balzer

  Small trees lined the sidewalk across the street from the alley, so they ran between them and the buildings, assuming they’d have better cover. They hadn’t noticed a zombie boy in a tree until it dropped down and tackled them. Trevor stumbled back against an oak while Josh fell with the kid on top. It caught a mouthful of Josh’s hair and jerked its head back to rip it away. Trevor kicked it and chopped its neck with the axe until they were able to push it aside. It still squirmed and growled, but they were able to move on without its interference.

  The next street - the one Trevor drove in on - consisted of businesses that had long been closed for the day. Since no one resided in those buildings, there weren’t any crowds to contend with, but the streets beyond that were filling and heading their way. At the gas station, they found that Trevor’s car had been searched but was otherwise in good shape. The coroner/funeral director’s van was there, as well, with the back door open. Josh jogged over to it and looked inside.

  “Hey, my father’s in here. They’ve got him stuffed in a body bag but they haven’t zipped it, yet. And there’s another bag on the ground. I guess that’s where Frank got up and surprised them. Hmm, where’s John Davis, the funeral guy?”

  “Who cares?” Trevor stood by the driver’s door of his car. “Let’s get going. I’d rather not wait for the z-Look out behind you!” The coroner jumped from the other side of the van after Josh. He turned, but wasn’t given the opportunity to aim. The zombie wrestled him to the ground and exhaled in his face as it prepared to bite him. Trevor put two bullets in its brain and helped to push him off.

  “Okay,” Josh said. “Let’s go now.”

  They climbed into the sedan and Trevor twisted to set the axe in the backseat. Something grabbed the handle and tried to pull it away from him. He tugged on it and turned to see Frank grinning at him. The zombie recognized him from the bathroom and made a strange happy noise. Trevor let go of the axe, allowing the monster to fall back, and he unloaded the pistol into its head.

  “We’ve got to get that slob out of your car,” Josh said while Trevor turned the ignition. “He smells worse than your shit.”

  “Later. We need to get out of town first.” He pulled up to the street. The headlights revealed gruesome faces in the near distance.

  “Whoa, look!” Josh said. “There he is!”

  “Who?” He looked where Josh was pointing.

  “My nephew! Damn, he’s really grown. Hey, what if this works like those movies, where if you kill the head zombie, all the others turn back to normal?”

  “That’s vampires and werewolves.”

  “Still, what if this is our chance to stop it before it gets worse? Seriously, if this was to spread across the land, it wouldn’t do any good if you got to Springfield. Come on, all you have to do is run him down and I’ll finish him off with the rifle.”

  “Didn’t he take a bullet to the head as a baby? That didn’t kill him.”

  “Maybe he just needs more bullets, plus we can chop him up with the axe.”

  Trevor looked to his left. That was the way out of town. It would take him to Springfield where he could see his mother and put all this behind him. To the right was a distorted, hideous version of a human walking up the street toward them. Its gray skin was sunken around muscle and bone like shrink-wrap. White hair covered its scalp like a dirty mop. Scarred flesh encircled the black hole in its forehead and its sliver eyes shone in the moonlight like that of a wild animal.

  The zombies in front of them were crossing the street and hands began to slap the rear of the car.

  “Hurry up,” Josh said. “Do something!”

  “This is gonna suck.” Trevor turned right, aimed the car at the nephew, and floored it. It didn’t change its pace or even act defensive. It held the same stern look on its face as the car sped closer. Before impact, it leapt at them, tumbling onto the hood and it managed to hold on.

  “Shake him off!” Josh rolled the window down so he could aim the rifle from it.

  Trevor swerved north onto the street they were previously on. The car’s lurch made the obese zombie shift in the backseat. A loud fart escaped as the innards relocated in the giant belly. He swerved again, clipping an advancing zombie with the front bumper, but the nephew remained on the hood. It hissed at them, allowing black drool to hang from its mouth. Those shiny silver eyes, coupled with its look of hatred, made Trevor and Josh both want to stop the car and run screaming, but they fought hard to keep their senses.

  Trevor stomped on the brakes and this time the creature flipped off the car to the pavement. Josh leaned out the window and pointed the rifle at the front of the car, waiting for Zachary to stand up. Trevor tried to get an idea of where they were. They’d just passed the street for the jailhouse before they stopped. He looked beyond Josh and could see the lights of the bar. Dozens of zombies were leaving it and heading in their direction. Furthermore, the part in the crowd created as they drove through had closed up behind them. He opened the pistol and dug a handful of bullets from his pocket. Something caught his eye.

  “Josh, look out!”

  As the nephew stood and he began to squeeze the trigger, the blonde from the bar, now shirtless, approached and tried to take the rifle from him. He looked into her dead eyes and ducked into the car while trying to pull the gun out of her grasp. In the struggle, her large breasts bounced into the window and smothered his face. He fought to breathe as they jiggled and slapped his head around. He refused to give up the gun, though.

  “Get a lap dance later,” Trevor said. “Come on, fight the bitch off and shoot!”

  “I’m trying!”

  Josh considered biting the breasts, but was concerned about getting infected. Meanwhile, Zachary rounded the car to Trevor’s side. He closed the pistol’s cylinder and fired at it. The first bullet entered its original hole in the forehead. Dark fluid bubbled out, but it didn’t flinch. He fired again, this time hitting its right cheek with the same result. Zombies surrounded the car and rocked it.

  “We’ve got to get out of here!” Trevor hit the gas and the sedan lurched, pushing against the crowd and bouncing over those in the way. The nephew was left behind with a piece of Trevor’s shirt in its fist. Josh had no choice but to allow the big-bosomed bar zombie to have the gun. It was either that or be dragged out of the car as it sped away.

  “If you go straight,” Josh said, “it turns into a dirt road where I used to live. We can take back roads from there and work over to the highway.”

  “Great. I’m all over that plan.”

  Part Four: The Witch Bitch

  A block beyond the last house on the street, the pavement ended and the tires ground into the gravel and dirt surface. After a few twists and turns, Josh’s childhood home came into view, the white paint glowing in the moonlight. All the images of the story became clearer in Trevor’s mind, but he didn’t have time to dwell on them before they were plunged into the darkness of the woods. Then the light was only an occasional glimmer while the trees’ shadows danced across the hood and windshield.

  “All right, there’s a bridge coming up. A mile after that, we’ll come to a crossroad. You’ll want to take a left-oh shit, watch out!” They sped by a “Bridge Out” sign. Trevor hit the brakes and the wheels locked up, causing the car to skid diagonally until the grill enveloped the bridge’s side rail. Josh had braced himself, but his head still bounced off the windshield.

  It took a moment to gather their senses and realize they were still alive. Trevor felt his arms and head to ensure he was okay. Josh massaged a growing lump on his forehead, then offered two thumbs up when asked about it. Trevor grabbed a flashlight that had rolled out from under his seat, opened the door, and looked at the creek below. The car was resting on the edge of a gaping hole in the collapsed bridge. Josh was able to get out on his side, and after handing over the axe and flashlight, Trevor followed. They climbed down the steep bank, waded across the creek, and returned to the road.

  Josh stopped to look a
t their surroundings and Trevor said, “Come on, we have to keep moving if we’re to stay ahead of them.”

  “Yeah, but we’ll get tired eventually. They won’t.” He pointed to a narrow driveway cutting through the forest. “We should head down here. I think it leads to a house and there should be another vehicle.”

  Trevor was uncomfortable with the idea. “Are you positive?”

  “I know there’s at least a truck.”

  He nodded. “Let’s hurry then.”

  The forest was thick and pitch-black save for the flashlight beam. Once they were well along the driveway, however, the light went out. Josh banged on it and played with the switch. It flickered a few times and faded to nothing. With a groan, he gave it a toss and they proceeded on. The only indication of straying off the path was the feel of stepping into taller grass. The sounds of the night surrounded them, and the men flinched at every noise made by a raccoon or opossum. They began to get winded and slowed a bit, but when they heard a stick break, their pace quickened again. Gradually, their vision adjusted to the darker environment, enough to make the trek easier. Trevor felt pressure building in his gut and knew he’d need to use the restroom again. A bowel movement like his previous one is rarely over with its first bout or two. There was sure to be more on the way, especially with all the jolts his body had taken. Lights came into view from the windows of a cottage. As they drew closer, they saw an antique truck that was rusted and overgrown with weeds.

  “You were right about the truck,” Trevor said. “Too bad it’s useless. Do you know who lives here?”

  “Yes. I mean, I know of her.”

  “Wait a minute. This isn’t…”

  “Yep, it’s the Witch Bitch. When Josie and I found this place years ago, that truck over there looked like it was in good shape. Hopefully she’s got something else, now. The lights are on. She must still be alive. She might be able to help.”

  “Oh man.” Trevor sighed. “Well, we’re here. We may as well give it a shot.”

  If it wasn’t for the lights and smoke rising from the chimney, he would have been convinced that the place was abandoned ages ago. Small slits through the rotten walls offered just enough of a glimpse to detect movement inside. He knocked on the door, unnerved of what it might reveal. There was no answer. After a few more knocks, Josh called to whomever might live there, pleading to be allowed entrance.

  Just as they were about to force their way in, a lady with a dingy dress and a tattered shawl opened the door. She seemed rugged and ancient, but had wise eyes and a kind smile. Her hair was matted to her head and then frizzed out across her shoulders and midway down her back.

  “It’s a tad late for visitors, don’t you think?” she said with a quivering voice. She scratched her armpit and a rancid smell wafted under their noses that resembled horse manure.

  Josh said, “I’m sorry but…”

  “You may come in, though. I don’t mind.”

  They stepped into the cottage and found it consisted of one room with a few closets. A fireplace crackled in the opposite wall, providing an eerie glow. There was a small cot in one corner, a chair and kettle by the fireplace, and a couple more chairs by a window along with a dresser and a bookshelf. The manure stench was stronger inside. Trevor imagined it would be worse if not for the fire.

  The men tried their best to explain the situation without sounding insane and she snickered. Taking the reaction as disbelief, they asked if she had a working vehicle around.

  “Heavens no! I have no need for those contraptions.”

  “Well then,” Trevor said, “we need to haul ass. There’s been enough time wasted already. You should consider the same, ma’am.” He wasn’t enthused about bringing her along because she’d slow them down, for sure. If she was willing, however, his conscience wouldn’t allow him to refuse. Hell, she looked light enough. He could throw her over a shoulder if necessary.

  They both turned to the door to illustrate their urgency, but were stopped by what the woman said next: “I see the curse is finally taking effect. It’s about time. I was beginning to wonder.” They faced her again in bewilderment and she smiled at Trevor. “Would you like some tea, stranger?” She went to her kettle and dipped some out for a cup. He shook his head so she took a drink for herself.

  “Curse?” Josh wore an odd look on his face. Trevor was unsure if it was pain, hatred, or total confusion.

  “Yes, indeed. Come now, don’t pretend you don’t know, young Joshua. I saw you looking out the window when my Zachary cursed you all.”

  Josh’s jaw dropped.

  “That’s right, I was there,” the Witch Bitch said. “I was watching from the forest when your father murdered my son… and my grandchild.”

  Trevor’s cheeks sunk as his stomach gurgled. He looked at the closet doors and wondered if there might be a toilet in one of them. “Ma’am, I’m sorry to interrupt, but do you have a bathroom?”

  “The shitter’s outside, dear. Help yourself. There’s part of a Sears catalog out there to wipe with if need be.”

  Trevor really didn’t want to venture that. The gas station and jail cell were bad enough. “We don’t have time for this. We’re sitting ducks here.”

  “Wait,” Josh said, and to the old lady, “Do you know how to stop this?”

  The Witch Bitch laughed. “Silly boy, once a zombie curse is set in motion, it can only be stopped by the person who cast it. Your father killed that person a long time ago, so you’ll have to let it run its course.”

  Despite his anxiety to leave, Trevor felt compelled to ask, “Aren’t you worried about infecting the whole world with these things?”

  “Don’t fret, stranger.” She sipped her tea. “A curse only holds enough energy to carry out its purpose. It will all be over with, soon.”

  “And hopefully without me. Have a nice night.” Trevor left the cottage and Josh joined him, muttering, “Damn, they named her right.”

  Cramps seized Trevor and he clutched his belly. He eyed the outhouse nearby but knew they couldn’t afford further delay. He started running to the path. “We need to get back to the main road before it’s too late.”

  Josh ran alongside him. “Yeah, that was a huge waste of time. I’m sorry, man. I thought for sure there’d be a car or something here.”

  Trevor stopped and looked back at the outhouse. He couldn’t go on like this, not if there was a chance to ease the pressure.

  “What is it?” Josh said.

  “Oh God, I’ve got to go.”

  “We’re going. Come on!”

  “No, to the bathroom. I can’t hold it any longer. I’m sorry.” He handed Josh the axe and shuffled away.

  Josh threw a hand up. “Are you serious?”

  Trevor cramped again and worked his way to the toilet. “What do you expect me to do, poop my pants while we run?”

  “I don’t have a problem with that!”

  It was no use. Trevor entered the dark outhouse, pulled his pants down, and felt around for the wooden seat. A splinter sliced into an ass cheek when he sat, but he didn’t care. A burst of feces was heard splattering the bottom of the hole while he searched for the catalog. He found what was left of it and balled up a few pages. He pushed as hard as he could, only letting up when he thought something might pop.

  There was a point when he thought he’d shit enough to move on, so he stood up. The change in position made way for another wave, however, so he squatted again - avoiding that nasty splinter - and pushed. The hairs were rising on the back of his neck now. He made a silent swear to never eat out again.

  Something walked around the outhouse. He could hear the slow footsteps in the grass. He hoped it was Josh, though he was afraid to call out. In an attempt to keep silent, he clenched his anus to keep any unexpected flatulence from escaping. It grew quiet on the other side, as well. Perhaps it was his imagination playing tricks. Then there was a loud bang against the side wall. He flinched hard and his butt announced the shock with a series of farts an
d squirts.

  His cover was blown. There was a groan outside and more banging on the boards. He pulled the pistol from the holster and aimed it at the noise. The footsteps moved around to the door and the handle was pulled. Trevor dropped the wad of paper and leaned forward, trying to keep the door closed with one hand while pointing the gun with the other. There was a thunk and the resistance ceased. Something fell to the ground.

  “I got it,” Josh said. “God, would you hurry up?”

  After another good push, Trevor felt comfortable standing up again. He wiped quickly, dressed, and hurried outside, stumbling over the zombie with an axe gash in its head. They broke into a hard sprint down the driveway. Halfway down, they stopped and squinted their eyes in the darkness.

  “We’re too late,” Josh whispered.

  There were figures moving in the shadows ahead of them. Zombies trudged through the brush all along their left. The noise grew louder and the figures ahead of them drew closer. Then more figures emerged onto the path. They could take off to their right, going further away from town, but the forest was so thick and dangerous to move through that trying it would be suicide.

  “Back to the Witch Bitch,” Josh said and Trevor hissed, too afraid and frustrated to speak. He knew he was in no position to complain. Josh may have led them to this place, but he was the one who kept them there.

  They rushed into the cottage and slammed the door behind them. The old lady smiled from her chair next to the fire. “Ah, so you’d like some tea, after all.”

  Josh tossed the axe to Trevor and went to work shoving the dresser against the door. Trevor pondered about the window, thinking if he busted up the bookshelves, he could nail the boards across them. He turned to the Witch Bitch.

  “Do you have a hammer?”

  She smiled big while sipping her tea. She seemed to enjoy their predicament. “Now, what would I do with a thing like that? I’m too old for such nonsense.”