Zombies, Werewolves, Whores, and More!

by Jerrod Balzer

  “I’ll go back and break it off.”

  Thaddeus shook his head. “Never mind that, our goal was to ensure that every living human in town had a plug, and that’s been accomplished. We need to return to the courthouse and convince everyone else to come out.”

  A unified sigh of relief greeted the men when they returned. Thaddeus now had little trouble leading the crowd as he pushed his cart to the town square. The werewolves gathered around but kept their distance. There was gratitude offered from everyone, and Thaddeus glowed with pride.

  The largest werewolf - the alpha male - approached the hunter and looked at the crowd. Then it emitted a deep chuckle, handed Thaddeus a large bag, and patted him on the back.

  The constable frowned. “What’s going on?”

  Thaddeus placed the bag on his cart and turned to address the townspeople. “He’s paying me for a job well done. The werewolves hired me to bring you outside.”

  Gasps rose from the group. “What?!”

  “Well, they couldn’t get to you with all that wolf’s bane and silver dinnerware nailed to the building, and they pay with gold, so I guess you could call them the highest bidders.”

  The deputy wet himself again. “So… the plugs don’t work?”

  The beasts laughed along with Thaddeus. “Hell no! I painted them with silver-colored fingernail polish. The thermometers won’t work, either.” He turned to leave. “Goodnight, all.”

  Hans screamed, “You inhuman son of a-“

  He was cut off when a wolf’s jaw snapped shut around his neck. His head popped off and rolled away. That triggered a mass slaughter and a series of celebratory howls.

  “Inhuman…” Thaddeus muttered. “How observant of you.” He pushed the cart out of town, leaving a trail of hoof prints, and when he reached the ritualistic circle that the alpha male had formed to summon him, he disappeared in a red flame - cart and all.

  More Than a Woman

  “I don’t know; she had quite mouthful.” Mark shuddered. The image wouldn’t leave his mind despite his friend’s reassurances that the relationship would survive his betrothed’s over-the-top bachelorette party. He lowered his window, allowing the night air to fill the car as he drove down the interstate.

  Dave sat in the passenger seat, fidgeting with his green shirt and black slacks, then playing with his short brown hair. Give him numbers to crunch and he was a pro, but he was never good at this sort of thing.

  “I wonder if we shouldn’t put the wedding off for a while,” Mark said.

  “They were all drunk and those male strippers are good at working up a crowd. She was probably caught up in the moment and didn’t realize what she was doing.” Dave stopped fidgeting and said with more authority in his voice, “Look, as your accountant, I advise you to let everything continue as planned because you can’t afford to try again anytime soon. I also advise you to keep in mind that tonight is your party. This is your chance to kick back and let loose, so don’t spoil it.”

  “Okay.” Mark cracked a fake smile. “So who’s going to be there?”

  “There’s Adam, of course.” Adam was orchestrating the party. He was a cheapskate but had done a decent job when Dave got married a year ago. “Then there’s Darren, John, and Phil from your job.”

  Mark groaned. “I like Darren and John well enough. Phil is an asshole, though. I get enough of his crap at the construction site. Plus, he’s the one who found the video of Traci!”

  “Ouch! I didn’t know that.”

  “Yeah, we were talking about how mellow her party would probably be, and Phil pulled up a recently uploaded clip from a porn site. He was like, ‘At least it won’t be like this!’ And there she was, on her knees while a guy dressed as a construction worker - of all people! - gyrated his hips and sprayed whipped cream… down there.” His face began to turn red.

  Dave gritted his teeth. “No sense in going over the details again.”

  “Adding insult to injury,” Mark continued, “when I told him that was my fiancee, he asked if that meant he has to stop ‘using’ the video.”

  “Oh, nasty!”

  “Yeah!”

  “Well, maybe he won’t be able to make it.” Dave pointed to an exit. “Turn here; that’s the motel over there. We need to park in front of room 30 on the end. It’s a suite. And let’s make a deal not to talk about it anymore, tonight, okay?”

  “Works for me.” Mark drove through the massive parking lot shared by a truck stop and the motel, and he found a spot near the suite. They could hear Adam’s voice before reaching the door.

  “All right! The guest of honor is here!” Adam let them inside. “Darren and John couldn’t make it, but Phil’s here.”

  “Hi Phil, it’s good to see you.”

  Phil was seated in the living room chair with a beer in one hand and a hunk of submarine sandwich in the other. He greeted them by raising the sandwich. Mayonnaise dripped onto his shirt, and he used the forearm of his beer hand to rub it into his bulging belly. He was a Neanderthal of a man with reddish-brown hair that went in all directions. It didn’t look like he’d bothered to clean up for the occasion.

  Mark and Dave sat on the couch while Adam went to the kitchenette and resumed cutting limes for the drinks. A party sub was stretched across the counter with a butcher knife stuck in it.

  “Help yourselves to a sandwich,” Adam said. “Come on, Mark. You’re too skinny. Put some meat on them bones.” Dave stood up to slice a piece for himself. Mark passed but accepted a mixed drink from Adam.

  “You’re just jealous,” Mark said. “I’d rather be skinny than barely pushing five feet tall.” He received a middle finger from Adam and gave him kissing noises in return.

  “Let’s cut to the chase,” Dave said through a mouthful of sandwich. “Are strippers coming or not?”

  “If they’re arriving,” Phil said, “I’ll make sure they come.” The rest ignored him.

  “Ah yes.” Adam’s face brightened. “I didn’t get a stripper because they’re too expensive. Instead, I got a good deal on a prostitute.”

  “A good deal?” Mark said. “Why’s that? Is she eighty or something? Does she weigh 500 pounds?”

  Phil grumbled. “Great, she’s probably one of those hermaphrodykes or whatever you call ‘em.”

  Dave swallowed but still spoke with food in his mouth. “I wonder how many diseases qualify for a good deal.”

  “Now listen,” Adam said. “I sold a car to this guy and he said he’d hook me up with a nice one. She’s young, clean, authentic, and real hot. He said she’s got a few quirks is all.”

  “Hmm,” Phil said. “That’s not very convincing. I’m checking for a package before she gives me a lap dance.”

  Adam rolled his eyes. “And the best part is she’s a prostitute, so we can go a lot further than with a stripper. Time for Mark to get even for Traci’s party, eh?”

  Dave cringed and shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. It wouldn’t solve anything.”

  “Maybe not,” Phil said. “But I bet it’d make him feel better.”

  Mark didn’t speak but looked uncomfortable.

  Adam waved his hands. “It doesn’t matter. The fact is she’s coming here to show us a good time, and we can do as much or as little as we want with her. Is that cool?”

  There was a knock at the door.

  “Speak of the devil.” Adam answered it and a gorgeous brunette stood at the door wearing a skimpy, dark blue dress.

  She poked her head in and smiled. “Hey guys! I was in the neighborhood and heard I’d find some cute hunks in here.”

  Phil cheered while the others offered nervous smiles. She entered the room, introducing herself as Priscilla, and started right in on teasing the groom-to-be. A small boom box was turned on and she began dancing around and rubbing against the men. At one point, she was on all fours with her chest writhing against the floor and her rear swaying up in front of Phil. He was enticed by the exposed lace panties that enveloped h
er rear so he smacked a cheek. She jumped a little and bumped her head on the coffee table.

  Priscilla stood up and turned with a shocked look on her face. “Did I do something wrong, Daddy?”

  Mischief flashed in Phil’s eyes. He decided to play along. “Oh, you’ve been a very naughty girl. Daddy’s gonna give you a spanking!”

  The others were eager for her response, expecting something playful, but instead her face clouded up and she gasped. She ran to a corner of the kitchenette, sobbing into her hands. Nobody knew what to say at first; unsure if this was part of an act. Finally, Adam took a few steps toward her. “Priscilla, are you okay?”

  “I’m not Priscilla,” she said between sobs. “My name’s Melissa and you are bad, bad men.”

  “Say what?” Mark’s eyes widened. He wasn’t enjoying this kind of role-play.

  “Maybe that’s her real name,” Dave said.

  “We’re not bad.” Adam spoke with a soft tone. “We’re nice guys. We’re just here to have some fun.”

  “Well this isn’t fun. I want my mommy.” She picked up a napkin from near the sandwich and blew her nose.

  “Geez,” Phil said. “How old are you, anyway?”

  She turned and shot him a fierce look. “I’m only six years old and you’re not my daddy! Why would you act like you are?”

  The men in the living room stood up, silent and bewildered. Adam stepped closer to her.

  “Stay away from me!” Melissa swung her fists at him. “You’re a stranger! Stranger danger! Stay away!”

  Unable to think of any other action, Adam smacked her. She stopped and retreated to the corner.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to…”

  She wiped the tears from her eyes, smearing mascara across the sides of her face. Then she felt her cheek and smiled. Adam returned the smile and let out a nervous chuckle. She decked him on the chin hard. He stumbled back into the stove and steadied himself by clutching the counter.

  In a deep, rough voice, she said, “Fall back in line, Private!” He had fire in his eyes like he was ready to knock her out, but joined the others in the living room, instead. She followed, throwing the boom box across the room for silence and announced: “I am Sergeant Frank Skinner, your drill instructor and I run a tight outfit.” She adjusted the elastic on her panties and snapped it on her skin. “You maggots aren’t fit to lick my shoes. You will obey every command I give you and you will feel honored that I even acknowledge your presence. Sound off like you’ve got a pair!”

  Humoring her, the men said in unison, “Ma’am, yes ma’am!”

  Frank picked up the coffee table that separated her from Mark and Dave, flipping it over against the entertainment unit. She then kicked Mark between the legs. He bent over, gasping and moaning.

  “Do I look female to you?” she said. “I am more of a man than you will ever hope to be. Stand up, soldier!”

  “I knew it,” Phil said under his breath. “She’s got a package.”

  She whipped around to face him. “That’s enough out of you! Drop and give me twenty!”

  “And what if I don’t?”

  Her high heel came down on his toe hard. Adam approached her and she turned to grab his face with one hand.

  “Wait your turn, Private. I’ll get back to you soon enough.” She looked back to Phil in time to receive his fist in the face. The force of the blow knocked her flat on her back. She seemed unconscious.

  Phil rubbed his knuckles. “Let’s see if that settles her quirks.”

  “Man,” Dave said. “What kind of deal did you get on her?”

  She sat up and blinked a few times. Her left breast had fallen out of her dress and despite the situation, all the men took notice. When she saw Mark doubled over on the couch, she rushed to his side and put her arms around him.

  “There, there.” She rocked him back and forth. “Don’t you fret none, child. Momma Annabelle will take care of you.” She pushed his head to her breast. He didn’t resist the urge to nuzzle.

  “If you’re thirsty,” she said, “you just go ahead and nurse. Momma don’t mind.”

  Phil kicked his shoe off to examine his toe. There was a spot of blood on his socks.

  “Oh dear!” Annabelle stood up. “Are you hurt, too? Let me have a look at th-ow!” She felt her jaw, which was beginning to bruise. “Oh my, hold on just one minute while I go to the restroom. I believe Momma’s getting a toothache.”

  Everyone’s eyes followed her until she left the room. Then they turned to each other.

  “Let’s just leave,” Dave said. “This is too much for me.”

  Mark nodded and coughed. “That’s a good idea. Thanks for the party, Adam.”

  “Now wait a minute.” Adam raised his hands to stop them. “This woman is obviously disturbed and she needs help. It’s like she has multiple personalities. We can’t just leave her here.”

  “Don’t leave, then.” Phil put his shoe on and stood. “That doesn’t mean I can’t.”

  From the bathroom, they heard a snap, a grunt, and a thud. They all stopped and watched the door. It creaked open. The room was dark and silent. Her shoes tumbled into the living room, one with a broken heel. They looked up from the shoes to see her standing with a calm look on her face. The dress was straightened and her hands were folded against her stomach.

  “I apologize for the commotion, gentlemen. It seems we’ve been a bit unruly.”

  The men exchanged glances. She massaged a growing lump on her temple from falling against the bath tub. “You see, I am Regulator. I try to keep us in line and make sure we take our medicine. I have been negligent, however, and lost control for a bit.” The tension in the air began to lift.

  “It’s okay,” Dave said in hopes of keeping the situation stabilized. “I don’t think any permanent damage was done. If nothing else, this made for a unique bachelor party.” The rest nodded.

  “If you don’t mind,” she said. “I’ll call a cab to take me home. That’s where my medicine is.”

  “Sure.” Adam gestured to the telephone. “Be my guest.”

  “But first, might I have a bit of that sandwich? I’m famished.” She picked up the butcher knife to cut a chunk off.

  Mark stepped up to take it from her. “Here, allow me.”

  Phil walked around them to the refrigerator. “After all that, I need another beer.” He retrieved one, twisted the cap off, and took a long swig from it. “So how many… um… whatever… do you have in there?”

  While Adam accepted a beer from Phil, Regulator finished chewing and said, “Besides those you’ve already met, there are only a few more.”

  Mark sighed. “The ones we met were doozies.”

  “Oh, feel fortunate you didn’t meet Demon. She’s pure evil, full of hatred, especially toward men.”

  Dave looked at Mark. “I believe we were heading out, right?”

  A fly buzzed around her sandwich. She swiped at it with her free hand and smacked her forehead when it landed there. She dropped the sandwich and looked around, her face no longer calm. “Who are you people? Why am I here?”

  Phil smiled. This was beginning to amuse him now. “Who might you be?”

  “I’m Julie. Why did you bring me here? You intend to rape me, don’t you? Oh God no, you’re going to rape me!” She ran screaming into the bedroom. Phil started to laugh but the others were more serious about it.

  “No, no, no, no.” Mark paced around the room. “I don’t need this, not just before I’m married. I can’t have rape charges hanging over me.”

  They jumped at the racket coming from the bedroom.

  “What is she doing in there?”

  “I don’t know,” Adam said. “But I can’t let her trash the suite like this. It’s all in my name.” Phil joined his side and they walked to the door. She was waiting for them with the coat hanger rod from the closet. She smacked Phil on the nose before he could get out of the way. He ducked into the bathroom and grabbed a washcloth to catch th
e gushing blood.

  “You’ll never get me!” Julie swung the rod back and forth, screaming as loud as her voice would allow. The phone rang, no doubt the front desk responding to complaints on the room. Nobody answered it, though, as she swung her way to the door. Once there, she stood her ground for a moment, faking swings to make the men flinch. Then she dropped the rod and bolted outside.

  Dave ran to the window and peeked through the curtain. “She’s running through the parking lot. She’s flagging down a semi truck. Hopefully he’ll give her a ride far away from here. Ouch! He clunked her head when he opened the door.”

  The phone rang again. Adam answered and it was indeed the motel clerk. The story given was that a cracked-out whore banged on their door. When they opened it, she ran in, tore up the place while screaming her head off, and then ran away. The clerk said he’d be right down to survey the damage.

  After hanging up, Adam said, “Well, at least she didn’t turn into Demon before she left.”

  The window’s curtains were illuminated from outside and a semi truck’s horn blared as it crashed into the room. Adam was blinded by the headlights just before the grill and bumper struck him. Sparks flew from torn electrical wires and the air was filled with dust. Once the crumbling debris had settled, the only sounds were the hissing of the truck as it died, three of the men coughing, and Adam struggling to breathe through crushed lungs.

  The door was blocked from Phil’s side so he ran into the bedroom where the light was still on. Dave was on the couch, and when the truck’s door opened in front of him, he scrambled away, shook Mark out of his daze, and helped him to the bedroom, as well. There were no windows in this room. They were trapped.

  Mark sat on the bed, trying to get his head to stop spinning. The others picked up what weapons they could find and waited by the door.

  “I don’t care how crazy she is,” Phil said with his nose still covered by the washcloth, squeezing the nostrils shut. “If she comes in here, we’ll have one dead hooker on our hands.” He held a lamp up and Dave a clock radio. Mark slumped over on the bed and passed out.