I Want to Hold Your Hand

by Marie Force

  Hannah dropped to the floor next to him. “Hey, buddy. What’re you doing in here?” She stroked his face and back and noted the choppy cadence of his breathing and his seeming inability to raise his head off the floor. He tried to stretch his paw out to her the way he always did, but couldn’t muster the strength. Tears filled her eyes. “No, Homie. Not yet. Please not yet.” She lay down on the floor next to him, petting him as she wept.

  Hannah knew she should get up and call Myles Johansen, the local vet. He’d been making house calls to check on Homer for quite some time now and had told her to call any time she needed him. Somehow she knew if she got up, if she made the call, that this time would be different.

  “Oh, Homie, I’m sorry I left you today. I know you haven’t been feeling good for a long time, but you’ve stuck around because you don’t want to leave me alone. I promise I’ll be okay. Before I call anyone though . . . While it’s just you and me . . . When you see Dad, make sure you tell him I love him, and I miss him, okay? You’ll take good care of him, won’t you? He’ll be so happy to see you.”

  One more minute, she told herself, sobbing as she clung to Homer. One more minute and then she’d get up to call Myles.

  “Hannah?” Nolan’s voice echoed through the first floor. “Are you home?”

  How long had she been lying there with Homer? She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, trying to fix the unfixable. “Back here.”

  “You didn’t answer the door, so I hope it’s okay I came in—” Nolan halted in the doorway to the kitchen when he saw her on the floor with Homer. “Oh God, Hannah, what is it? What’s wrong?”

  She shifted slightly to the right so he could see Homer stretched out on the floor, his breathing shallow and labored.

  “Oh no. What can I do?”

  “Would you mind calling Myles for me?”

  “Of course. Anyone else?”

  “Hunter. He’ll tell my parents. And the Guthries. They should be here.”

  “Yes, yes, I’ll call them. You stay with Homer.”

  Hannah breathed a sigh of relief at knowing she didn’t have to be the one to make the calls, to say the words . . . “It’s okay, buddy,” she whispered to Homer. “Everything is okay. You can go if you’re ready. I understand that you’re tired and you’ve had to live a long time without your best friend. That’s been so hard on you, but you took good care of me. Dad would’ve been so proud of you for taking such good care of me.”

  She tried to quiet her sobs so as not to upset Homer. This wasn’t about her. It was about him, and she wanted to give him everything he needed.

  Nolan returned to the kitchen and squatted next to Hannah. “Myles is on his way, and I left a message for Hunter. I also called your mom when I couldn’t reach Hunter. Hope that’s okay.”

  Hannah nodded, grateful to him for taking charge.

  “What can I do for you?” he asked, resting a hand on her shoulder. His voice, she noticed, was thick with emotion. He’d loved Caleb, too, and that mattered right now.

  “This helps. Thank you.” Hannah leaned into him, resting her head on his chest as she continued to stroke Homer’s silky ears and coat. The dog’s eyes were closed now, his breathing even more shallow, if that was possible.

  Nolan sat next to her, keeping his arm around her as she leaned against him, grateful for his presence and his strength.

  CHAPTER 3

  I did it. I finally punched Caleb Guthrie right in the face. He was shocked, and he stared at me with blood rushing from his nose. The school called my mom to come get me, and I had to stay in my room all night. It was soooooo worth it.

  —From the diary of Hannah Abbott, age thirteen

  Myles arrived a short time later and let himself in through the front door. Nolan must’ve told him where to find them, because he appeared in the kitchen and kneeled on the floor next to Homer. “How long has he been like this?”

  “I don’t know.” Hannah wiped new tears that formed when she heard the tension in Myles’s tone. “He was fine this morning—or as fine as he ever is these days. Walking around and eating and everything. I came home after a few hours out and found him here.”

  Myles, who was blond and blue-eyed and handsome, had once asked Hannah to dinner, but she’d declined. Despite her rejection, he’d been a source of great comfort to her as Homer slipped into old age. With a stethoscope in his ears, Myles listened to Homer’s chest. “His heart rate is extremely low.” Myles looked at Hannah, sadness reflected in his gaze. “We can wait and see, or we can help him along. It’s up to you.”

  “Is he suffering?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “What should I do?” Hannah asked.

  “I can’t tell you that, Hannah,” Myles said kindly.

  “Could we make him more comfortable?” Nolan asked.

  “That we can do.”

  With Hannah’s approval, the two men worked together to gently move Homer to the sofa in the sitting room, the spot he’d claimed as his own the day he came to live with Caleb.

  Stirred by the movement and activity, Homer woke briefly, sighing when he landed on the sofa before going back to sleep.

  Hannah sat with his head on her leg, petting and stroking him so he’d know she was there. Tears ran freely down her face when she thought of how much Caleb had adored Homer, how in tune the two of them had been with each other, how Homer had followed Caleb around like a shadow whenever he was home and waited by the door for him to return when he was away. Caleb’s deployments had been as hard on Homer as they’d been on her.

  Nolan sat next to her on the sofa and took hold of her free hand.

  Myles occupied the easy chair next to the fire that had burned down, leaving the room chilled.

  “Would you mind lighting the fire, Nolan? I don’t want Homer to get cold.”

  “I’d be happy to.”

  Nolan soon had the fire warming the room and casting a cozy glow over Homer.

  “Should I help him along, Myles?” Hannah asked after a long period of quiet.

  He got up to check Homer’s heart again. “I don’t think you’ll need to.”

  That news started the tears flowing again.

  Nolan put his arm around her and offered silent comfort as she focused on the slow rise and fall of Homer’s chest.

  So many memories came flooding back to her, of the years she and Caleb and Homer had spent moving around with the army as Caleb advanced through the officer corps and the leave time they’d spent at home in Vermont. Each time Caleb deployed, Hannah and Homer came home to be with her family. She and Homer had propped each other up and gotten each other through the long absences.

  On the day they lost Caleb, they’d been here in Vermont passing an ordinary day at home until the army chaplain showed up with two other officers, all of them wearing the telltale class A uniforms, and shattered her world. Somehow Homer had known . . . He’d understood and had grieved right along with her.

  The front door slammed open, startling Hannah from her memories. Hunter came into the sitting room, looking harried and a bit undone, which was wildly out of character for her calm, cool, collected twin. “I came as soon as I got Nolan’s message. Is he . . .”

  “No, but soon,” Hannah said, resigned now despite the overwhelming sadness. Losing Homer truly marked the end of an era for her as well as Caleb’s friends and family. “Come see him.” She held out a hand to Hunter, who wrapped his hand around hers as he knelt on the floor next to Homer.

  Tears filled Hunter’s eyes as he bent to kiss Homer’s sweet face. Then he reached for Hannah, hugging her tightly. “Are you okay?”

  “I’ve been better, but we knew this was coming.”

  “Still . . .”

  Her twin knew her better than just about anyone, so he understood how hard the loss of Homer would hit her. “Still,” she said, forcing the hint of a smile to reassure Hunter. He worried about her endlessly.

  Their parents came in a short time later, followed by
Hannah’s brother Will and his girlfriend, Cameron, who’d just returned from New York City.

  “We came as soon as we heard.” Will hugged and kissed Hannah, before bending to kiss and pet Homer. “How is he?”

  “Not so good.”

  Her mom had brought food that she set out in the kitchen. The others wandered in there, but Hannah never left Homer, and Nolan never left Hannah.

  “I’m sorry our plans got messed up tonight,” Hannah said.

  “This is more important.”

  Only because she was watching him so closely did she see Homer take one last deep breath before his chest stopped moving altogether. She bent to hug him, whispering in his ear, “I love you, Homer. Don’t forget to give Dad my message. You guys have fun together. I’ll see you both again someday.”

  Nolan’s hand lay warm on her back, rubbing her shoulders as she sobbed for Homer and for Caleb and for all that she had lost. She hugged Homer until his fur was wet from her tears.

  “Let Myles take him, Han,” Hunter said through his own tears.

  “He needs his blanket.”

  “Where is it?” Will asked.

  “Upstairs in my room on the bed.”

  Will headed for the stairs. “I’ll get it.”

  Her brother returned a minute later with the battered quilt Caleb’s mother had made for Homer when he was a puppy. Thinking of a much younger Homer dragging his “blankie” around from room to room made Hannah cry again as they all worked together to wrap Homer in his beloved blanket.

  A knock on the front door preceded Amelia and Bob Guthrie into the house.

  “Oh no.” Amelia’s eyes shone with tears as they rushed into the room and saw Homer wrapped in the blanket. “We’re too late.”

  “Just by a few minutes.” Hannah stood to greet her in-laws with hugs. “Why don’t you spend some time with him before Myles takes him.”

  “We’d appreciate that,” Bob said gruffly.

  Hannah felt Nolan’s hand on her back as they joined her family in the kitchen. Everyone hugged her, and Hannah moved through each embrace on autopilot. She knew Homer was gone, but the pain couldn’t seem to permeate the numbness. It was far too reminiscent of the day Caleb died, when she’d been surrounded by loved ones wanting to do something for her when there was nothing anyone could do. She remembered all too well what it felt like when the numbness wore off and the pain rushed in.

  “I’m so sorry,” Cameron whispered.

  “Thank you. Glad to have you back.”

  Cameron’s watery smile was reassuring. Hannah adored her, and having her here definitely lifted Hannah’s spirits.

  She hugged her parents next.

  Unshed tears swam in his eyes as her dad kissed her forehead. “I’m so sorry, baby,” Lincoln said. “Homer was a good old boy.”

  “Yes, he was. Caleb will be happy to see him again.”

  Will slipped from the room, and Cameron went after him.

  “Everyone wanted to come over,” Hannah’s mother, Molly, said, “but I told them you had a full house. They’re all thinking of you.”

  “I know.” Hannah had little doubt her other seven siblings were upset about losing Homer. “Thank you for running interference.”

  “What can we do for you?” Molly asked, smoothing a hand over Hannah’s hair.

  Hannah shook her head. “Nothing special. It helps to have you here.”

  “We should tell the Sultans,” Hunter said, echoing a thought that had been on Hannah’s mind since shortly after she arrived home to find Homer in such dire condition. “They’d want to know.”

  “Would you call them?” Hannah said. “I don’t think I could do it.”

  “I’ll take care of it.” Hunter’s eyes were rimmed with red, his jaw set in a way that reminded Hannah of the months after Caleb died when her twin had tried so hard to hold it together for her that he’d buried his own grief.

  “You guys don’t have to stay,” Hannah said to her family. “I’m okay. I promise. And Nolan is here.” She looked at him and was comforted by his nod as much as his quiet, steady presence over the last couple of hours. A flutter of nervous energy passed through her at the thought of leaning on him, at the thought of him wanting her to lean on him.

  When the others eyed him speculatively, Hannah added, “We had plans tonight.” Watching her family process that momentous news with far more decorum than she’d expected from them also helped to lift her spirits ever so slightly. She could tell they were nearly bursting with the need to ask a thousand questions that they wisely contained. She was in no mood to deal with an Abbott inquisition right now, and they knew it.

  However, she also knew she was only postponing the inevitable. She’d be in for a grilling after she’d had sufficient time to mourn Homer.

  Her family stayed while Myles gathered up Homer’s body. They stayed while she spent some tearful time with Caleb’s parents. And they stayed until they were certain Hannah was okay. Convincing them to go took some doing on her part, but she finally succeeded in assuring them she’d be fine.

  When she was left alone with Nolan, she turned to him, unsure of what she should say. She appreciated that he waited for her to gather her thoughts and didn’t feel the need to immediately fill the silence.

  She forced a smile for his benefit. “Heck of a first date, huh?”

  “One for the record books,” he said as he took her hand once again. He couldn’t seem to refrain from touching her, and Hannah couldn’t deny that she liked being touched by him. “But I’m glad I was able to be here with you tonight.”

  “So am I. Can you sit for a minute?”

  “For as long as you’d like.” He released her hand only to add a log to the fire before he sat next to her and reached for her again.

  “What’re you thinking?” she asked after a long period of companionable silence.

  “That this brings back a lot of painful memories for me, so I can only speculate as to how you must feel.”

  “I feel pretty awful, but it helps to imagine Homer crossing the bridge and finding Caleb waiting for him. I can picture Homer running for Caleb the way he used to, both of them young and strong and thrilled to be together again.” She wiped away new tears. “They must be so happy to see each other.”

  “Yeah,” Nolan said gruffly, brushing quickly at his face with his free hand. “I bet they’re having one hell of a reunion.”

  “Thinking about that brings comfort, you know?”

  He nodded.

  “Remember how Caleb would pat his chest and Homer would jump into his arms?” Hannah asked.

  “I remember. I also remember that Homer wouldn’t do that for anyone but Caleb no matter how hard we all tried to get him to do it for us.”

  “That’s because Caleb was the only one he trusted enough to catch him.”

  They sat in silence for a long time, watching the fire, lost in their own thoughts and memories. It was nice, she thought, to have him there with her, to share the grief with someone who’d loved Caleb and Homer and felt their loss almost as profoundly as she did.

  “We need to do something for Homer,” Nolan said.

  “Like what?”

  “We should do what Caleb would’ve done—a full-on funeral with all the bells and whistles he would’ve insisted on.”

  For the first time in hours, Hannah had reason to truly smile imagining the send-off Caleb would’ve given his beloved companion. “You’re absolutely right. It needs to be huge and awesome and over the top.”

  “Totally and completely over the top.”

  “We need the Sultans.”

  “We couldn’t do over the top without them.”

  Hannah turned so she faced him. “This is a really great idea, Nolan. And you’re right. It’s exactly what Caleb would’ve done.”

  “You would’ve thought of it. Eventually.”

  “When should we do it?”

  “We’d need to give the guys some notice to get them here. Weekend after ne
xt?”

  “That works for me. I love this. Thank you so much for honoring Homer and Caleb by suggesting it.”

  Nolan shrugged off her praise. “Do you want me to go so you can get some rest?”

  “No.” She dropped her head against his shoulder. “I know you have to work tomorrow and everything, but if you don’t mind staying a while longer . . .”

  Nolan put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. “I don’t mind.”

  • • •

  Will never said a word on the ride from Hannah’s house to his cabin on the outskirts of town. The cabin was now their place, Cameron recalled, the excitement of her move to Vermont dimmed by the news they’d been greeted with upon arriving back in Butler.

  Cameron wished she could think of something to say that would make Will feel better, but she decided to wait until he was ready to talk about it. Recalling the tortured, grief-stricken look on his face when she’d found him in Hannah’s mudroom, her heart broke for him.

  The cabin was cold and dark when they arrived. And it was unusually quiet with his dogs spending one more night at his parents’ house.

  “Weird without the boys here,” Cameron said, hoping to spark some conversation.

  He squatted before the hearth to start the fire. “I know. I hate when they’re not here. Sucks the life out of the place.”

  Cameron went into the bedroom and found the suitcase that contained her pajamas. She put on the flannel moose pajama pants Will had bought her along with one of his UVM sweatshirts and joined him in the living room.

  He stared into the fire, lost in thought and miles away from the cozy room.

  She couldn’t bear to see him in pain so she went to him and curled her arms around him from behind. “What can I do for you?”

  Will blew out a deep breath and covered the hand she’d placed on his chest with his. “Having you here makes everything better.”

  “I’m sorry about Homer.”

  “Thanks. Even though I knew he was getting old, I refused to believe he could ever die.”