I Want to Hold Your Hand

by Marie Force

  Dude came out to greet them both with hugs. Today, she was back in her overalls and straw hat, looking much more like the Dude they all loved than she had yesterday in her suit and tie. Trailing behind her were two dogs, a cat, a rooster, a chicken and a raccoon. They were all extremely obedient as they fell into line behind their leader. “Right this way,” Dude said.

  “Where are we going?” Hannah asked.

  “She’s about to pee herself with excitement,” Nolan commented dryly, making both women laugh.

  “I’m not that bad,” Hannah said.

  “Yes, you are.” This was said with a warm, affectionate smile that softened his entire expression.

  The way he looked at her made her feel light-headed and breathless at the same time.

  He put his arm around her, seeming to sense that she needed him.

  They followed Dude into her decrepit barn to a stall where a mother slept while several puppies frolicked in the hay around her. “Oh,” Hannah said. “Oh they’re adorable!”

  “They’re a lot bigger than they were this time last week,” Nolan said. “And look at him, still hanging off to the side, watching the chaos rather than jumping into the scrum. He’s the one I thought you might like to have, Hannah. He reminds me of you and the way you keep watch over your siblings. You only get involved in the chaos when you absolutely have to.”

  She looked up at him, wondering if she’d heard him correctly. “You picked him for me?”

  “Um, yeah. I know Homer just died, so if you aren’t ready for another dog, I totally understand.”

  “I do, too,” Dude said. “I’d even be willing to keep him for you until you’re ready.”

  Hannah’s heart beat hard and fast from the rush of emotion that came with the understanding of what he’d done for her. “Could I . . . Could I hold him?”

  “Sure, you can.” Dude opened the stall door and went to scoop up the solemn boy who sat off by himself, watching them with big, wary eyes. She handed him to Hannah.

  “Hi, buddy,” Hannah whispered as he snuggled up to her, sniffing madly to make her acquaintance. “You’re such a handsome fellow.” His face was almost all brown except for the white circle around his left eye. The rest of his body was a hodgepodge of brown, black and white fur. He had short stumpy legs with big round paws—one of them white, one black, one brown and the other white with brown spots. He was, without a doubt, the cutest thing she’d ever seen. “What breed is he?”

  “I haven’t got the first clue,” Dude said.

  “Who cares, right? You’re your own breed. One of a kind.” Hannah looked up at Dude and Nolan, who was watching her warily. “Do I really get to keep him?”

  “If you want him, Dude says he’s all yours.”

  “That’s right. Nolan put dibs on him last week, and when he told me he was for you, I wholeheartedly agreed that you’d give him a good home.”

  The puppy got a mouthful of her hair and gave a playful tug.

  Hannah gently extracted her hair from his razor-sharp puppy teeth, and he gave her a wet kiss on the cheek. Laughing, she hugged him and glanced at Nolan. “This is the best surprise ever. Thank you so much. Both of you. He’s just what I needed.”

  Nolan seemed to release a deep breath he’d been holding. “What will you name him?”

  Hannah held up her new best friend for a closer look at his adorable face. “In my family, it’s tradition to stick with a name that works, so what do you think of Homer Junior?”

  “I think that’s a perfect name for him,” Nolan said.

  “I agree,” Dude said. “It’s not too much name for a little guy like him, even if those paws are a sign he’s not going to be little for long.”

  “I think I’m in love,” Hannah said, sighing at the sweet kisses little Homer was placing all over her face. Was there anything sweeter than puppy breath?

  “Thanks again, Dude,” Nolan said, putting an arm around Hannah to lead her from the barn.

  “Wait,” Hannah said. “He needs to say good-bye to his mom and his family.”

  “He can come see his mom any time he wants to,” Dude assured her, “and his siblings will be close by, too. I don’t like to break up families.”

  “Oh good,” Hannah said, putting him down to see his mom.

  The puppy went over to nuzzle his mother’s face and engaged in a scuffle with the other puppies before he turned and walked back to her, sitting at her feet and looking up at her.

  “He’s already decided you’re his person,” Dude said, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. “I love when that happens.”

  Hannah bent to pick up the puppy and snuggled him in close, thrilled and honored that he had chosen her.

  “He’s had his first set of shots, but he’ll be needing more soon,” Dude said, handing a sheaf of paper to Nolan. “Here’re his records.”

  “I’ll take very good care of him, Dude.”

  “If I had any doubt at all about that, I never would’ve let you have him.”

  “Thank you for trusting me with him.”

  “My pleasure, honey. Anyone who’d throw a funeral like the one you gave Homer deserves this little guy in her life. That was some tribute to Homer Senior.”

  “We thought his life warranted the proper send-off.”

  “Indeed it did. You take care now, and bring him to visit any time you’d like.”

  “We will.”

  Nolan put his arm around Hannah as they walked to the truck. “The surprise comes with a crate, a bed, toys, food and anything else he needs to get started. So next stop is the pet store.”

  “Thank you so, so much for him, Nolan. I love him, and I love you.”

  “I love you, too, and I’m glad you’re happy with your surprise.” Nolan helped her into the truck and fastened her seatbelt since her hands were full of puppy. Before he withdrew from the cab, he kissed her and laughed when little Homer tried to get in on the action. “I can see I’m going to be competing for your affections with your new friend.”

  “No competition. As Cameron would say, there’s plenty of me to go around.” She looked down at the puppy and then at Nolan. “This is what Caleb meant when he said he wanted me to have joy in my life.”

  Smiling, Nolan ran his index finger over her cheek. “I was really hoping it wasn’t too soon after Homer died.”

  “Dude told me yesterday that the best way to honor Homer’s memory is to give another pet a good home. I thought that was lovely. As soon as I got time, I was going to visit the shelter.”

  “Maybe we can do that to give Homer a pal to play with someday.”

  Hannah glanced over at him. “You’re making a lot of plans, my friend.”

  “Should I not be?”

  “I . . . um, I don’t know.”

  “We’re not getting any younger, Hannah. I want a family. I want a wife and kids and a home to call my own. I want all those things with you and Homer Junior. It may be too soon to even have this conversation, but please have no doubts about what I want with you.”

  Hannah snuggled up to Homer, overwhelmed by Nolan’s intense words and the emotion she heard behind them. As much as she wanted all the same things he did, she couldn’t help but wonder how any of that would be possible as long as he was keeping critical parts of himself locked behind a wall too high for her to scale.

  • • •

  By nine o’clock Sunday night, Homer Junior had completely taken over Hannah’s life, and she loved every minute of it. They played with Homer until he dropped into a lump on the sitting room rug and fell into a deep sleep. Even his little snores were cute.

  Nolan was lying on his side with his back to the fire watching her gaze at the puppy.

  “I don’t even know how to thank you for him,” Hannah said, running a hand over the puppy’s silky soft back. “He was just what I needed after losing Homer Senior. I think he would approve of me finding a new furry friend to love.”

  “I know he would, and I’m happy you’re happy.
”

  “I’m so happy.” She shifted her focus from adorable puppy to sexy man. On her knees, she scooted over to Nolan and stretched out on top of him. His arms came around her and his hand smoothed the hair back from her face. “I never expected to have this again.”

  “To have what?”

  “This. You, me, us, all of it. And it’s not just the companionship, as nice as that is. It’s the connection, too. Even before we were officially together, I felt that connection. I felt something every time my family told me you’d been asking for me. I felt the connection then and even more so now.”

  “I feel it, too, babe. Why do you think I waited so long for you?”

  Hannah raised her head and brought her lips down on his, giving him the softest sweetest kiss she possibly could.

  His hand tightened in her hair, and he hardened against her belly, but neither of them made a move beyond the slick meeting of lips.

  The sound of a fist pounding on her door spoiled the moment and woke Homer, who yipped with outrage at the interruption. “Probably one of my stupid brothers,” she muttered.

  “You get the door,” Nolan said. “I’ll take Homer.”

  Hannah reluctantly raised herself off his warm, muscular body. “I was enjoying that.”

  “More where that came from.”

  “Don’t forget.”

  “I couldn’t if I tried.”

  Hannah was wearing a broad smile when she opened the door to a man she’d never seen before. He wore a ragged coat, his hair was greasy looking and his face was puffy. A stale aroma surrounded him. “May I help you?”

  “I want to see my son.”

  “I’m sorry, but who is your son?”

  “I know he’s in there because I saw his truck with his name all over it, so if you would just get him . . .”

  “Oh Mr. Roberts. Please come in.”

  “No, Hannah.” Nolan appeared behind her with the puppy asleep in his arms. “Don’t let him in.”

  She hadn’t heard that dull, flat tone from him before. “But, Nolan, he’s your father.”

  “Don’t let him in.” Without looking at her, he handed her the puppy and stepped around her, closing the door behind him as he went outside.

  Through the closed door, she heard Nolan angrily ask him what the hell he was thinking showing up at her house.

  “You’re never home anymore, boy. Where else was I supposed to look for you?”

  “I told you I’m all done, and I meant it. You’ve got no right coming here and sullying her home.”

  “Listen to you all high and mighty just because you’re getting a piece of quality ass.”

  Hannah winced when she heard thumping and other sounds of struggle.

  “Get the fuck out of here before I call the police. You come here again, and I will call.”

  “You ain’t got the balls.”

  “If it means keeping you away from her, you’ll find my balls are big and brass. Now get going, or I’m calling.”

  “I’ll go but this ain’t over.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “You’re fooling yourself if you think a girl like her is ever going to be satisfied with a grease monkey like you!”

  Tears ran unchecked down Hannah’s face. When she heard the storm door jolt open, she wiped the tears on Homer’s fur. She’d never seen Nolan looking so furious or so wounded. The combination broke her heart, but she knew better than to say anything. It had to come from him.

  “I’m sorry about that. He never should’ve come here, to your home . . .” His voice broke on the last word, and he turned away from her.

  Hands on his hips, head down, she watched his shoulders strain under the weight of the burden he carried, and she couldn’t bear to see him suffer. Hannah went to him, placed her hand on his back and leaned her head on his shoulder. It felt so insignificant under the circumstances, but she feared he wouldn’t accept anything more from her.

  “I should go.”

  “Please don’t go. You’re not alone anymore, Nolan. Just like what you said to me—you don’t have to do this alone.”

  “I don’t want it touching you. You’re beautiful and sweet and kind. You have no ability to understand this.”

  “I want to understand. I love you, Nolan. I love all of you. Let me in. Please, let me help.”

  “Hannah . . .” The single word contained a world of agony.

  She took his hand. “Come sit with me.”

  CHAPTER 27

  Myles Johansen has been a godsend as Homer has gotten older and more fragile. He comes to the house to check on Homie at least once a week, and we talk at length about how I’ll know the time is right to let Homer go. I don’t want to make the decision about me when it should be about him, but it’s hard to overlook the fact that when he goes, I’ll truly be alone. I’ll be all that’s left of the little family I once treasured. Myles asked me to have dinner with him, but I’m not ready for that. I know it’s been almost seven years, but I suppose when I’m ready I’ll know it. At least I hope I will . . .

  —From the diary of Hannah Abbott Guthrie, age thirty-five

  Nolan didn’t fight her when she led him to the sofa and tugged him down next to her.

  She deposited the sleeping puppy on an oversized pillow and turned to Nolan.

  Staring straight into the fire, his face was flat and devoid of emotion.

  “You don’t have to say a word if you don’t want to.” She took his hand and curled her fingers around his. “You once told me you’d be satisfied just to hold my hand, and that’s how I feel, too.” She brought their joined hands to her lips. “This is more than enough for now if it’s all you’re able to give.”

  He ran his free hand through his hair over and over again as the silence stretched between them. “I’ve been ashamed of my family all my life. I don’t know how to share that part of me with you, because I’ve never shared it with anyone.”

  “You don’t need to be ashamed of anything, Nolan. Everyone in this town respects you for the person you are, the friend you are, the businessman you are. Nothing you tell me about your family will change the way I feel about you.”

  He expelled a harsh laugh. “You say that now.”

  “I say that unconditionally.”

  Nolan leaned forward, resting his forehead on his other hand. “He drinks all the time. He always has, but in the last few years, he’s been expecting me to pay for his habit. I cut him off recently, and he’s not taking it well.” He turned his head and looked at her for the first time since his father interrupted their evening. “You know the house plans I showed you?”

  Riveted by his words, Hannah nodded.

  “I haven’t built it because I’ve been giving him all the money I would’ve put into the house. Go ahead and say it. I’m an idiot and an enabler and at the very least a huge fool.”

  “You’ve been a good son to a man who doesn’t deserve you.”

  “I’ve never known him to have a job. In my entire life, I’ve never seen him work. Can you imagine that with a father like yours who goes to work every single day even though he probably doesn’t have to anymore?”

  “No, I can’t, but again, there’s no comparison between your father and you, who works six or seven days a week and has for as long as I can remember. You worked after school, weekends, summers.”

  “Fortunately, I had my grandfather to show me how to be a man, because my own father certainly never did.”

  “Your grandfather taught you to be one hell of a man, who is well respected and well regarded by everyone in this town. I remember your grandfather so well. He came to everything at school. Never missed a game or a play or a band concert.”

  Nolan pressed the heel of his hand to his eyes. “He’s the only reason my childhood wasn’t a total disaster. He and families like yours that took me in and showed me how it was supposed to be. You have no idea how much the nights I spent at your house meant to me. Your family and Caleb’s . . . You all saved me.”r />
  Hannah subtly wiped away a tear that escaped despite her best effort to contain it. “Where was your mother?”

  “That’s another lovely story. Her drug of choice is heroin. Last I heard she was selling herself online to pay for her habit. I haven’t seen her in years. Thank goodness.” He shook his head. “Earlier today I was caught up in the fantasy about the wife and kids I want to have. Who’d want to marry me and have kids with me knowing what they’d be getting with my shitty genes?”

  “I would.”

  “Don’t say that to make me feel better, Hannah. I don’t want or need your pity.”

  “I don’t pity you. I love you, and I’ll marry you and have your children, and I’d do both those things without hesitation.”

  “You shouldn’t say that without knowing what you’re getting into.”

  “Is there more you haven’t told me?”

  “That wasn’t enough?”

  “It was more than enough, but is there anything else?”

  “No.”

  “Then I know what I’m getting into and my answer hasn’t changed. If you don’t believe me, ask me.”

  “Ask you what?”

  “Ask me to marry you.”

  “Not like this. Not when I’m all wound up about him coming here.”

  “You pick the time and the place. You already know what my answer will be.”

  He extended his arm, and Hannah curled up to him, relieved that he hadn’t left, that he’d let her into his private pain. “I’m not going to hold you to that if you change your mind.”

  “I’m not going to.”

  “Hannah . . .”

  “Nolan.”

  “Hannah.”

  “Nolan.”

  “What?”

  “Can we go back to what we were doing before we were rudely interrupted?”

  “What were we doing?” he said with a sweet smile that gave her hope he might believe her when she said she loved him unconditionally. “I don’t remember.”

  Hannah moved slowly and carefully so she wouldn’t disturb Homer and straddled Nolan’s lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. With her lips hovering a fraction of an inch above his, she said, “It went something like this.”