Next to You (Life)
Page 20
“I heard you, Dan, and I don’t blame you,” she says taking a jug of juice out of the fridge and pouring it into two glasses. “You were done with my drama—weak Becca. Obviously, for many reasons, but one of them was because you had a shitty life too, now I know. The least you deserve, was…or is normal and I made you jump onto the crazy train of Becca Trent. There’s normal outside, plenty of non-gold-diggers who had a regular upbringing and family.”
“Is that what you want, Becca?” Something is making her talk crazy and I need to stop her before she takes off. With that in mind I turn the tables. “Find a guy who grew up with a mother and a father, fought with his siblings and never worried about how he’d survive since the age of five? Are those better than me?”
“That’s silly, Dan.” She snorts. “No one in this world is better than you. Not for me anyway. You’re perfect.”
“I’m not perfect, baby,” I say taking several steps forward until there’s less than an inch of separation between us. “And I know how imperfect you are too, and I accept all those glitches that make you distinctive from the rest. Tall, skinny, supersized with silicone isn’t what I want for the rest of my life. Yes I complained to Tyler about the way I felt—tired and frustrated. Take into consideration that back then I had had it with everything. For one, according to me you were under my care since we met and I failed you.” Becca frowns. “Yes, that’s gone, there’s no way I could’ve stopped it. I was way too young back then. But then you kept fighting me at every turn. I fucking learned how to read you, Becca, and you took that away from me. I lost it. You closed yourself—to me. It was as if you had me walking next to you blind. My controlling ways are the result of my past and something that’ll never change. You used to accept them—”
“Ian,” Becca says and I hold my tongue because the mention of his name boils my blood to the point of wanting to forbid the mention of him. “He—”
“Was an asshole with you,” I interrupt her and she nods. “I knew… I saw that since day one. He treated you like shit and ordered you around for his own benefit. I’ve never done that. Now, think about your next words wisely before you piss me off.”
“I guarantee your mood is going to spike into a rage,” she says placing her fists on her waist. “Off the charts angry. Your options are simple, either you listen or our conversation is over.” I mirror her posture and don’t say anything. “After the accident in Aspen, my brain began to fight the deeper memories, but they kept coming to the surface. Every foreign thought, order or plan I didn’t come up with was a virus to my system. The times I began to picture you as a tyrant overpowered the ones I swore you were a prince. Then the AGNO—Ava’s Girls Night Out—of hell happened and you disappeared. The fear of losing you forever shut down our link from my side, so far I don’t know what happened to yours. We just began to play tug-a-war, you became the current while I played the fish swimming upstream. The harder you pulled, the more I compared our relationship with mine and Ian’s. My brain didn’t stop once to think, it couldn’t anymore. My mind suddenly transformed itself into a car without breaks heading downhill on a steep mountain.”
“And now… do you still compare me with him?” I ask her because I might not be perfect but being compared with scum isn’t my dream either. She shakes her head, her eyes are soft and beg me to believe her. I do, because I can read her. My all-time access pass to her mind works again without a hitch. “Give me some answers here, Becca, tell me what the fuck is going to happen next. Please. I need to move forward and I feel as if you don’t care much about it.”
“I don’t know, Danny.” She smiles at me and releases her arms, raising one hand to my cheek and touching it. “If you don’t mind a moody, petite, curvy, baggage carrier with all natural equipment, we should take a few steps further into the relationship. We can start the sleepovers, tell the world you have a steady girlfriend and see what comes next. Of course, you need to plan to submerge inside the world of silent evenings, quite nights, cook obsessed, baker galore, knitting freak that likes to watch movies and read before bed. And I’ll fit you into my schedule, the dare devil who loves to do extreme sports while dragging me along. If possible, keep the fancy affairs and the press to a minimum. We have to balance both worlds. ”
“You’re telling me that staring today I can stay with you?”
“Yes,” Becca says and scowls. “You seriously have a one track mind if that’s all you got from what I just said, Daniel.”
“Well then,” I ignore her, because I got everything, though that last part is my favorite, and also, I don’t want to talk about the past, or how there are some insecurities we still need to smooth, or the press, not now. The only thing I’ll do is have Tyler release a statement and warn everyone that my life is private and should remain that way—my family is off limits. “We’re never leaving this place. Wicked Wednesday, Sexy Saturdays, Sexed up Sundays, Naked other days are being established.”
Becca rolls her eyes and heads to the fridge, opening the door.
“Turkey Sandwiches for breakfast?” She doesn’t wait for an answer, instead, she begins to search for bread to prepare them. “I’m hungry and you?”
I nod, and I take the opportunity to push our relationship one step ahead.
“Bud and I bought this place in Napa,” I start, she looks over her shoulder, narrowing her eyes and squinting. “I’m wondering what you think about taking a drive with me to check out the place. You can decide if you’d like to settle.”
“As in a house for us?” she asks and I nod. “We’re not moving in together right now, Brightmore, we just decided to add sleepovers.”
“It’ll be a long process, from designing it, to building and then decorating the place. Don’t you think by then we’ll be ready to move in?”
“Somehow, I doubt long process means the same to you as it means to the rest of the world, Dan.” She shakes her head giving me what I think is a condescending smile. “Yeah let’s go and check out the place, and there better not be any signs of construction there or… I got nothing. My insufferable man, I love you.”
Chapter 34
“That’ll be us soon, Baby,” I whisper to Becca, who stiffens, after Tyler and Ash announced they are pregnant. The timing to announce the good news seemed perfect, Sunday brunch. They invited us today; they’re making it official to everyone in the family. Later they’ll be having dinner with Ash’s parents. “You okay?”
She’s nods, but I still worry. Her head says yes, but I don’t believe that she is okay. Becca’s odd behavior for the past few days has me guessing at what’s going on inside that head of hers. If the pattern continues we might have to have a serious talk or hit the couples counseling section of the yellow pages.
“Congratulation,” I say. “I’m guessing Ashley will stop tying ties around your office’s door handle?”
“Until it’s time to make number four,” she beams. “I should thank you, Daniel, for not buying our children a crazy present. That’s your new routine every time you visit.”
“Becca,” I blame her for not letting me go overboard, she stopped me several times before I bought an electric car for Mattie or that expensive porcelain doll for Angie. “She wanted educational, and simple.”
Becca fakes a smile, raises up from the couch and starts picking up the wrapping paper and the toys from the floor. Then, along with the kids, they take the toys to the upstairs play room.
“Are you two okay?” Tyler questions. I hope so, I want to answer but instead I shrug. “Just making sure, she’s acting weird.”
At least he confirms I’m not crazy, but since we’re visiting I decide to let it go. For that purpose, I talk with Ty and Ash about the construction of our house. We broke ground a week ago and poured the foundation two days ago. The construction will officially begin next week and from there it’ll be a matter of months before it’s ready to move in. That’s not exactly what Becca has planned, but we’ll cross that bridge when it’s time, not now.
“Why are you dissecting me?”
“Dissecting?” I ask her, and she nods without even looking at me. “I’m just enjoying the view. Imagining you doing this in a couple of years with our own children at our home. I love the niece and nephew but—“
“Sometimes you expect too much from me, Dan, you should lower those expectations,” she says, pointing at some diagram and the piece of Lego Mattie holds. “Maybe I’m all you’ll get, and if you can’t live with that, you should rethink all the work you’re pouring into our relationship.”
Where the hell did that come from? But before I can ask or jump into the conversation and find out what exactly is bugging her, Ash joins us.
*
Six days, and I haven’t seen my so called girlfriend. After Sunday, she disappeared from the face of the Earth. Between babysitting for Ashley, visiting with Buddy and helping with the new shelter that she plans to open come August, I haven’t seen Becca. Our texts go from I’m not home yet, to I’ll stay at Ty’s tonight and can you keep Rusty. If the texts didn’t follow the customary I love you with the usual hug and kiss, I would think she’s about to break up with me. Among those six days and her busy schedule, she found time to visit her shrink five times. A detail I learned from Tony, who’s been following her everywhere she’s been going to—a caution since her kidnapping. That’s where I am at the moment, leaning over her car and waiting for her to finish her appointment. Like a truly stalkerish boyfriend wondering if she’ll hand me yet another restraining order.
So far I only know that something is wrong, her lack of communication concerns me and pisses me off. I wonder if I should let her go, following her advice from six days, three hours and about twenty seven minutes ago… I need to get a hobby. But then, there’s that part that she’s my other half. If I plan to take that for better or worse, I have to confront her and work the shit out. I relax after talking myself into doing the right thing, sure of the outcome after we have a long honest conversation. In that moment, my cell phone chimes. A text.
Becca: We need to talk.
Dan: You think? At least this time you’ll do it face to face.
Becca: It’s not what you think, but you might send me packing after you hear what I have to say.
She appears with red, swollen eyes and a tissue in hand. Fuck I thought we passed that stage long ago, except, that’s how she looks as she paces toward me. I want to hug her once she closes the distance between us, but her stiff body warns me not to even try it.
“Keys.” I push myself from the car and extend a hand. She hands over the car keys and opens the passenger door for herself. “Your place or mine?” She shrugs and gets in the car.
The silence inside the car is killing me and I have no idea what to say without starting a fight.
“Is there another secret you forgot to tell me, Rebecca?” I ask at the stoplight, the last one before we arrive at the subdivision where we live. She nods and I can’t think what can possibly have her on the verge of losing it yet again. “I thought we had come clean.”
No, I remind myself. I thought about sitting down with her and finalizing the chapters that included all the drama of our past life. However, between making love to her, enjoying the moment and planning the future I set it aside. Instead of parking in front of my house, where Rusty is at the moment, I open the garage door of hers and drive Becca’s car inside. She jumps out of the car before I turn off the ignition and after closing the doors, I follow her inside. Give her some space, I tell myself when I step inside the living room, and I find a letter addressed to me.
Chapter 35
Dear Dan,
There’s one more thing, one last piece of information I’ve been holding and I think I’m ready to let it go. After this there are no more secrets. This was—is—the most painful one. A secret so dark—I thought—hell was the only thing I deserved.
Remember that time I told you I was a bad person, that you don’t know me? You brushed it off, saying there wasn’t anything else I could surprise you with. There was, is…semantics. Back then of course, I considered myself an evil character—worse than Snow White’s stepmother.
There’s this scientific thing about the birds and the bees, the urban legend about the stroke is a myth. Of course there are plenty of books to support the explanation of how children are made and how you can prevent them.
Girl + boy + sex – protection = baby
The thing about being raped by a drugged-drunk asshole, is that of course they don’t give a crap about protection. I assume none of them carry any condoms with them. If they do, well I bet at the time they sodomize their victim, the last thing that goes through their head is to cover up.
“Rebecca,” I stop reading the letter and call her. “I’m done with the fucking letters. You have something to tell me, say it to me. Have the courage to do it face to face.” I’m shaking, and I’m not sure if it’s the rage that she won’t talk to me or what I’m thinking this is all about. “I swear, if you’re not here after I count to five, I’m leaving and you won’t see me ever again. Ever. No matter how much I love you, we’re over.
“What the fuck happened?” I flutter the letter I’m holding when she appears before I start the countdown. “We’re occupying the same space, Becca, there aren’t thousands of miles separating us. As far as I know, we wiped that emotional gap, until last Sunday when you began to pull from me—again,” when Ash and Ty told us they were expecting a baby.
“The first time Ian raped me,” she took a deep breath and sustained my gaze, “nothing happened. But the second… well of course my luck had run out or it hit the right time of the month. A few weeks after Ian and Lisa died, I got the flu. Four days after not being able to hold down any food, I went to the nurse’s station at my high school. No fever or any other symptoms clued her into giving me a stick to pee on. Needless to say, the test came back positive. Those commercials where they have a couple hugging each other and looking as if life couldn’t get any better, were the entire opposite of what my mind had going on.
“I was seventeen, as you know, my grades and standardized test scores didn’t entice schools to give me a scholarship and on top of it, I had a life form growing inside me.” She changes her gaze to the floor and begins to draw circles with her foot. Becca suddenly clutches her stomach and now not only her choking words, but her body are telling me I’m an asshole for making her do this. “One I didn’t ask for, the product of an unspeakable act. There was no one to support me—emotionally or financially. The desperation didn’t allow me to think straight.
“You know what the nurse said?” She lifts her chin and chuckles humorless. “’You’re pregnant.’ As if I hadn’t been able to read the test myself. She wanted to call my parents, like that would’ve helped me. I said no, and ended up having to beg her not to do it. I made up a story that after Lisa’s death, the daily pain they lived in, that my news wouldn’t sit well at that moment. She asked me questions and tried to find out who the father was and if I would have support from anyone. That freaked me out so much.” This is too much information for me, the news of the baby is a direct hit to the gut. I’m not sure what to tell her, I want to soothe her but I know there’s a lot more of the story she has to tell. Two pages front and back that I should’ve read instead of making her talk. The hitching breaths continue, and I let her relive another chapter of her fucked up life. “Not
once had I ever done something terribly stupid in my life, that day I did. I took my stuff out of my locker, got in my car and headed to Boston skipping the rest of my classes. When I got there, my teenage brain saw yet another door slamming right in my face. If I told you, you’d find out about everything.
“No, don’t,” she says, as I’m about to say something. “Let me finish, you want me to `rehash it, now you listen. I went to the library, the one that’s close to your old office. That’s where I found out that a seventeen year old single mother has little to no options without her parents’ support. Being underage has more disadvantages than you can imagine.” She huffs and shakes her head. “I had no options and no way to survive. If Donna didn’t sign my driving permit or my driver’s license, I doubted she’d sign a release for a medical procedure. I didn’t have a high school degree yet, the option of going to college was close to impossible. The thought of having a baby from such a violent act was inconceivable. It appeared as if I had no other choice.”
What the fuck? I want to yell at her, what did she do? I could’ve helped her.
“The plan was set and there are a couple of states right next to Massachusetts that didn’t require parental consent for an… abortion,” she whispers the last word. I run a hand through my hair to stop myself from shutting her up. I don’t think I want to hear the rest of this shitty story. “The cost of 500 dollars would hit my bank account hard, but it had to be done. I’d drive to Connecticut on a Friday and I’d be back home the next Sunday.” Her blank stare remains as she wets her lips and continues. “Annie gave me the weekend off. I told her I’d be visiting you. For a week I used those prayers grandma taught me when I was little. Anything and everything to ensure things would work out, a sliver of luck to fix my messed up life. Images of struggling with a kid I didn’t love for the rest of my life haunted me. Obviously my fear overpowered my thoughts.