The Doctor's Undoing

by Gina Wilkins

  Haley started to remind Anne that she and Ron didn’t have a relationship, exactly—certainly not the kind Anne had with her husband—but her pager’s beeping interrupted her. She sighed and set down her coffee cup. “Gotta go. I’ll see you…well, whenever I see you.”

  Anne chuckled and waved her off, understanding completely.

  The medical school turnout for the Halloween party wasn’t quite as good as it had been for the tailgate party in September. Though because grad students, law students, pharmacy and nursing students were also invited, the crowd was large. Haley and Ron attended together, but they were the only ones representing their study group there. Connor and Mia were hosting a Halloween party at their house for Alexis and her friends. Liam was out of the country on an assignment and Anne hadn’t been interested in attending without him. And James had simply declined, saying he wasn’t interested.

  Haley knew James wasn’t seeing Elissa anymore, though she didn’t know why or whether the parting had been amicable. Maybe he just didn’t want to come stag and didn’t have anyone he was interested in asking tonight.

  She probably wouldn’t have come, herself, if she wasn’t a class officer. She was really tired, having just completed her outpatient peds rotation. The past two weeks had seen her in a different specialty every day, and her head was still reeling from all the information that had been crammed into it. She just hoped she’d retained enough for her shelf exam.

  Because their time had been so limited, she and Ron had rented costumes rather than try to come up with ideas on their own. He chose them as soon as he saw them in the store. To her, they looked like ordinary Western-style clothes. A brown duster coat with faux buckskin pants, suspenders and hip-slung holsters bearing toy revolvers for him, and a long, full-skirted red brocade gown with a snug, low-cut bodice and matching parasol for her. Ron assured her that the costumes were equally appropriate if they were dressed as characters from a cult-favorite, TV “Space Western” that had played for only one season nearly a decade earlier.

  “I’m Captain Mal,” he said, strutting in his costume, “and you’re…well, you’re Inara. The, um, paid companion.”

  She had to chuckle at his description of her character. When she then confessed she’d never seen that particular program, he acted scandalized. He had the whole series on disk, he informed her, as well as the movie that had followed a couple years afterward. He was going to make sure she watched every episode.

  She laughed wearily. “As if we have time to watch TV—disks or otherwise. Especially an entire series.”

  “There are only fourteen episodes and a movie. Maybe we can manage one a week or so.”

  Which would take them through the next almost four months, she thought with a slight frown. The holidays. Well into the next semester. It was the closest either of them had come to planning for a future together—and that only to watch an old TV series. “Well, we’ll see.”

  He’d looked at her rather oddly, as if hearing something in her tone he couldn’t quite interpret, but he’d let the subject drop.

  The Halloween party was a little wild, involving more than a few scanty costumes and free-flowing alcohol. Some people found it necessary to relieve the stress of postgraduate training with excessive partying when they had the chance. Haley wasn’t one of them. After a couple hours, she was ready to leave.

  “Hang on,” Ron told her, holding up a finger to indicate one minute. “I just need to ask Hardik something before we go. I’ll be right back.”

  She nodded with a smile. “There’s no rush.”

  He had just stepped away when a tall, slender woman in a fringed flapper dress approached her. “Hi, Haley.”

  “Hi, Margo. Have I told you how cute you look tonight?”

  Margo patted her perfectly waved and styled dark hair. “Thanks. You look nice, too.”

  Coming from Margo, she supposed that was high praise. “Thank you. Where’s your date?”

  “He stepped outside to take a phone call. You’re here with Ron?”

  “Yes. He’s over there, talking to Hardik. We’re getting ready to leave, actually.”

  “I won’t be here much longer. Watching other people get smashed is hardly my idea of fun.”

  Margo’s idea of fun was being at the head of the class. Making sure all the residents and attendings knew her name. Positioning herself for the most competitive residency and to win as many class awards as possible at graduation.

  Deciding exhaustion was making her cranky, Haley felt guilty about those less than gracious thoughts, which made her smile more warmly at her classmate.

  Her smile faded a bit when Margo asked, “So, are you and Ron getting serious, or what?”

  Haley cocked an eyebrow, the closest she would allow herself to pointing out that it was none of Margo’s business.

  “The only reason I’m asking is, I’m sort of surprised, you know? I mean, Ron’s nice enough—he certainly knows how to make everyone laugh—but…well, he’s not exactly serious about getting to the top, is he? Or about anything, for that matter. No offense, but I know you’re looking to get into a good residency program and you wouldn’t want to throw that away so you can find someplace that will also accept him.”

  Despite Margo’s snotty remark about people getting smashed, she had obviously had more than a few drinks, herself. As blunt as she usually was, this was out of line even for her. Haley replied coldly, “Ron is a very good student and he’ll be an excellent doctor, Margo. Believe me, he takes that seriously.”

  “Someone talking about me?” Ron asked, sliding up beside her with a swish of his long coat.

  Wondering how much he might have overheard, Haley searched his face, but couldn’t read the expression behind his lazy grin. Margo didn’t even have the grace to look abashed that he might have heard her cutting remarks. She merely gave him a cool nod and said she had to go find her escort.

  “Ready to go?” Ron asked Haley.

  “Definitely,” she said, turning on one heel toward the exit.

  Ron shrugged out of the duster coat that had let him pretend for a few hours to be a dashing space cowboy. He tossed it over the back of a chair in Haley’s living room and ran a hand through his hair. She’d gone into her bedroom to change out of the long dress, but he could still picture her wearing it.

  The red brocade dress, trimmed with silver lace, had dipped low in the front, showing an intriguing amount of creamy cleavage. Fitted snugly to the waist, it had hugged her slender rib cage then draped away from her hips into a long skirt gathered into a bow in the back—right above her very nice tush. Long sleeves and lacy fingerless gloves had made the dress seem more modest than it actually was. She’d curled her brown hair so that it waved around her face beneath a flirty little lace-trimmed hat.

  She’d looked both delectable and adorable. He’d told her so more than once that evening, though he wasn’t sure she’d taken him seriously.

  Ron’s not exactly serious about anything. The paraphrase of Margo’s snippy contention echoed in his mind, making him scowl. She either hadn’t realized he’d heard her or hadn’t cared; there hadn’t been a hint of apology in her eyes when she’d nodded to him and walked away. Maybe she simply thought she owed no apology for stating what she considered to be indisputable fact.

  Or maybe she’d known very well that he could hear her. Had that been her way of subtly warning him not to hold Haley back?

  Ron is a very good student and he’ll be an excellent doctor.

  He supposed Haley had considered herself leaping to his defense, and had said the first words that popped into her head, but it hadn’t exactly been a ringing endorsement.

  So, what had he wanted her to say? Brooding, he sank onto the couch, pushing at the holster belted around his waist. Had he wanted her to declare her devotion to him? Her undying admiration for him? Had he wanted her to refute Margo’s implication that he was too flippant about his studies and his training, that there was nothing he considered wor
th taking too seriously?

  Maybe Haley hadn’t said those things because she didn’t quite believe them, herself. She had accused him in the past of having the wrong attitude, just because he’d admitted he was prepared to walk away if things didn’t work out for him. It wasn’t as if his life would be over if he didn’t become a physician, he’d argued. He had Plans B, C and D to fall back on—not that he knew what those were, exactly.

  Haley had retorted that if he wasn’t committed to success at all costs, then he had the wrong attitude about completing this challenging, demanding career path.

  Maybe he hadn’t been fully committed to medical school at the beginning, he admitted now. Even though he’d worked his butt off to get this far, there had always been a tiny doubt that he’d ever hold that diploma in his hand.

  Had he ever fully committed to anything in his life? Had he ever gone into any new endeavor without keeping one eye on the always-present escape hatch?

  Would Haley believe him if he told her that he hadn’t been looking for an escape from what he’d found with her? He wouldn’t hold her back when she was ready to move ahead of him, but he wasn’t in any hurry to take an alternate path, either.

  She emerged from the bedroom dressed in a pink T-shirt and black yoga pants with a pink stripe down the side. She looked just as adorable as she had in her costume.

  “Haley—”

  She spoke at the same time, cutting off whatever he might have said in a clumsy attempt to express his feelings. “Do you want any coffee or anything?”

  “No, thanks. Had plenty to eat and drink at the party. What I—”

  “I forgot to tell you—” Realizing she’d stumbled over his words again, she stopped with a grimace. “You go ahead.”

  “No. What were you saying?”

  “Just that I forgot to tell you I’ll be out of town this weekend. I’m going home to Russellville for a couple days to see my parents. I figure I’d better see them before we start the surgery rotation, because there won’t be much time while we’re on that block. I won’t get to see them again until Thanksgiving.”

  He waited for a moment, but the invitation he half expected didn’t materialize. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed. He supposed they hadn’t reached the spend-time-with-the-parents stage. He knew he certainly wasn’t ready to inflict his family on Haley yet, though for totally different reasons.

  “You, um, have told your parents that you and I are more than study buddies now, haven’t you?” he asked, surveying her face closely.

  Her eyes met his then skidded away. “Not exactly. I really don’t discuss my sex life with my parents.”

  Sex life. He didn’t really like that phrase. Sure, he and Haley were lovers, but it was somewhat more than that. Right?

  Maybe he needed to remind himself why there was little chance he and Haley were meant to be together forever.

  “Don’t think I’ll be seeing my family anytime soon,” he said casually. “They’re all pretty scattered.”

  She sank into the armchair, studying him curiously. “You’ll go home for the holidays, won’t you? Thanksgiving or Christmas?”

  “Probably not Thanksgiving. Maybe a day or two during Christmas break.”

  He had spent last Thanksgiving watching football and studying alone in his apartment. Because none of his siblings had gone home for the holiday, he’d claimed a need to study to avoid doing so, himself. Cowardice, maybe, but he hadn’t wanted to subject himself to his father’s distance and his mother’s criticism at that time.

  Last year had been so very difficult. He’d been overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the material he’d been expected to memorize, by the number and frequency of the tests on that material, not to mention the clinical lessons and preparations for the looming Step 1 of the licensure exam. He just couldn’t face his parents and their open skepticism that he’d ever make it all the way through to obtaining his M.D. He’d had too many doubts, himself, at the time. Had it not been for his friends, he might well have given up.

  By not telling his study friends he had no other plans for Thanksgiving last year, he hadn’t had to deal with invitations to spend the holidays with their families, which always made him feel awkward and out of place. He would be just as content to spend the upcoming holiday quietly on his own, for that matter. He’d gone home to northeastern Arkansas both of the past two Christmases, but hadn’t particularly enjoyed the visits and had come back to Little Rock after only a few hours with his difficult family.

  Haley looked as disapproving as he’d expected. “You should at least spend a little time during the holidays with your family if you want to mend fences with them.”

  After some of the things she’d already seen on the wards, he’d think she’d be a little less rosy-eyed about families. He supposed the more time she spent with some of the more questionable elements of society, the more cynical she would become. A shame, really, but probably necessary if she was going to succeed in her chosen field.

  “I’m not entirely sure I do want to mend those fences,” he said gently. “Not every family unit is worth saving.”

  Haley sighed a little and shook her head. “I don’t believe in giving up.”

  He laughed softly, grabbed her wrist and tugged her down on the couch beside him. “I know. You’ve been saying that to me for two and a half years.”

  Steadying herself with a hand against his chest, she laughed ruefully. “Sorry. It just slipped out.”

  “No need to apologize. I’m glad you’re the type who never gives up.” Especially on him, he added silently as his lips covered hers.

  She wrapped her arms around his neck, snuggling closer for the very thorough kiss. After a few long, delectable moments, she squirmed as if in discomfort, and he loosened his grasp.

  Pulling her mouth from his, she glanced downward, then looked up with a smile that made his heart stutter.

  “I have always wanted to say this,” she said, trying to keep a straight face. “Is that a gun in your pocket or—”

  “—I am very happy to see you,” he said with a laugh, swooping in for another kiss.

  Relieved to put thoughts of families and holidays aside, he laughed with her as they worked together to extricate him from the holster, their hands fumbling, then lingering. There was plenty of time for serious talk later. For now, he was just going to enjoy.

  Haley discovered quickly that the surgery rotation was as exhausting as Anne had warned.

  Out of the four choices Haley had been given—trauma, surgical oncology, VA and peds—she had marked trauma as her first choice, thinking she would see the biggest variety and learn the most on that block. Ron had selected surgical oncology as his first choice. Which didn’t surprise her, really. She had noticed his fascination with hematology and oncology, though he hadn’t openly declared that was the specialty he wanted to pursue. Specifically, she thought he was interested in pediatrics hem-onc.

  Why wouldn’t he just admit it? Was he afraid to say what he really wanted, in case he didn’t get it? Or was he just hesitant to commit himself to any specific path at this point?

  Shouldn’t she know him well enough to have those answers by now?

  They’d both gotten their first choices, so the surgeries they witnessed were quite different, though their schedules were very similar.

  Wearing scrubs, Haley arrived at the hospital before five every morning to see her assigned patients. Between six and six-thirty, she went on rounds with the resident and attending surgeon. Between seven and seven-thirty, she scrubbed in for surgeries. The scrubbing was a lengthy and meticulous process, after which she had to hold her gloved hands above her belly button line. If she dropped her hands below that zone, she was no longer sterile and had to rescrub. It was so easy to let her hands fall accidentally; she had to pay a lot of attention to their placement, though she was assured it would come more naturally with practice.

  During the surgeries, she served as second assistant. The res
ident was first assistant. As a student, Haley was allowed to hold the retractors and occasionally hand an instrument to the Registered Nurse. With the surgeon, resident, R.N. and scrub tech surrounding the patient, not counting the anesthesiologist at the patient’s head, the student had the worst view of the entire procedure, but Haley was still fascinated by it all. Sometimes after a routine surgery, the attending surgeon would leave the resident to close, and Haley became first assistant. Her resident was quite nice, and allowed Haley to tie a few sutures, which was especially exciting for her.

  After surgeries, she checked on her patients again and did afternoon rounds. Sometimes there were afternoon surgeries to scrub in on. She was also expected to see her patients on weekends. Once a week, there were grand rounds, at which she had to dress in professional clothing and her white coat rather than the comfortable scrubs.

  Though the med students put in long hours on this rotation, surgical residents practically lived at the hospital, putting in eighty hours a week and having to rush to get all their responsibilities crammed into that legally mandated time frame. She’d lucked out on her resident again. Mike Stanfield was a pleasant, second-year resident who hadn’t yet allowed himself to adopt the all-too-common surgeon’s egotism. He was as susceptible to a surgical resident’s exhaustion and stress as his peers, but he wasn’t as prone as some to take out his problems on the staff and students surrounding him.

  Ron hadn’t been as fortunate. His resident, Paul Singer, was a…well, a jerk was the only description that came to Haley’s mind when she thought of him. Arrogant, intoxicated with what he saw as the power of his long white coat, abusive to anyone he considered his inferior—which were most of the people around him, including the patients. He made no secret of the fact that he’d chosen medicine primarily because he liked the salary potential, and surgery because he didn’t have to spend a lot of time with conscious patients. Like the other surgical residents, he was overworked and under-rested, but he directed his anger toward the nurses and med students.