A Maze of Love

by Sophia Gedeon Sorel

  “Do you want to go for a walk, ladies?” Tony asked, jumping to his feet.

  Flora glared at her pointedly, and Shanda resisted the temptation to burst out laughing. She shook her head, her hand covering her mouth to hide her smile.

  “No thanks, but I bet Flora here would love to.”

  “Yes I would,” Flora had squeaked almost before Shanda could finish her sentence, and Tony pulled her to her feet.

  They disappeared down a path that led to the thicket. Shanda scanned the river again. Everyone was still there, apart from Michelle and the cute guy. Ralph, too, had disappeared. Shanda fished out a magazine from her bag, and settled back to read it, using her bag as a pillow. She was so engrossed in her magazine, she hadn’t heard the sound of footsteps sinking into the soft grass, and she only saw Ralph’s face as he peered at her the top of the magazine.

  She jumped, startled.

  “Sorry,” Ralph apologized with a grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

  His face looked hard, as though he was really angry about something. Shanda didn’t need to play twenty questions to guess what it was, either.

  “What is it, are you OK?” she asked, knowing all too well that he wasn’t. She didn’t know if she wanted to discuss Michelle with him, but if he was upset, she did hope he would feel comfortable speaking with her about whatever it was that made him unhappy. She only wanted him to no longer be unhappy.

  “I’m fine; I think I had too much whisky,” Ralph confessed. He lunged toward her suddenly, and reached under her armpits to tickle her.

  Shanda screeched and dropped her magazine, after deciding against rolling it up and smacking him with it.

  “Stop,” she laughed.

  “OK I will. I promise I will stop but only if you do me a favor.”

  “I will, I will,” Shanda yelled. Anything for the tickling to stop. She was torn between hating the sensation and loving that he was touching her.

  “Come with me back to campus. Let’s get out of here,” Ralph said. “I’m not feeling too good.”

  Shanda was immediately filled with concern.

  “OK, no problem, let’s go. I’ll just leave a message for Flora so she doesn’t worry about me.”

  She spoke to Tony’s friend and he agreed to tell Flora that she had gone back to campus. Then she gathered her things into her bag, including her shawl, and they left. On the way, Ralph was strangely quiet, and she matched his mood, not making an effort to speak. If he needed time to think, she was happy to grant it to him. She went up with him to his room, telling herself she wanted to make sure that he was OK, and once she had that taken care of, she would leave. Immediately. At least, that was her plan.

  When the door closed behind them, Ralph took her bag and dropped it on the floor, all the while keeping his black, intense eyes on her. Even without a word being said, or a touch being exchanged, Shanda was getting aroused. What did this man do to her? He put his hands on her shoulders, running them down up to her waist. She shivered with anticipation, and the sensitive muscles in her sides quivered at his touch.

  Then he grasped her waist, almost roughly, and pulled her tightly up against him, and she instantly could feel how aroused he was, too.

  Shanda knew she should ask what had brought this on, and ask if he was sure they should be doing this, but all she wanted was for Ralph to kiss her. Which he did, thrusting his tongue deep inside her mouth. They exchanged heated kisses. She breathed his air and he breathed hers. He reached for her zip, opened it, and tugged down her trousers. Shanda did the same, pulling down his trousers.

  Ralph pulled her into his arms again, and Shanda moaned at the way he grinded his pelvis against hers. He pulled off her spaghetti top, unhooked her bra, and nibbled on her nipples. Then he stepped back to pull down her panties. By now, Shanda had no coherent thoughts in her brain. Her body was on fire, and she just wanted Ralph to keep doing what he was doing. Everyone, and everything else be damned.

  He removed all his clothes and Shanda’s eyes flew open to look at his beautiful body. She ran her hands over his chest, down his taut stomach, to the hardness below. She lingered there, grazing his soft flesh, relishing the way he felt. He groaned as her fingers lightly touched him. She planted kisses on his chest, getting down on her knees to trail kisses along every part of him. He slid down too, and they knelt facing each other.

  “You’re so beautiful,” Ralph slurred.

  He laid her down on the carpet, and reached out for a packet of what Shanda assumed were condoms. She watched as he took one out from the packet, and fumblingly tried to apply it. She helped him to roll it into place and then fell back. Instead of entering her as she had expected, Shanda felt wetness as his tongue darted in and out. She cried out at the sharp pleasure that followed, knocking out any protests she was about to make.

  “Please Ralph,” Shanda cried out, her body begging to be sated. She wasn’t going to wait any longer for him to enter her. He knew exactly what she needed. He smiled and nodded.

  He came up again, and Shanda felt herself rise to another crescendo as Ralph entered her, filling her completely. She matched his movements, slowly at first, and then quickly, building up in momentum. It wasn’t too long before she cried out and fell back, feeling empty, yet full. The only noise that could be heard in the darkness of the room was their breathing.

  Shanda woke up and removed herself from Ralph’s hand, which at some point he had thrown across her chest. He was sound asleep. She watched him breathe deeply, the moonlight throwing a dim light inside the room. He looked so handsome and peaceful in his sleep. She fought the urge to kiss him. Instead, she got up quietly and put her clothes back on, careful not to make enough noise to wake him. She took a cover from the bed and arranged it around his naked body. Then she slung her bag over her shoulder and left.

  Once in the hallway, she looked at the time. Thirty minutes past eleven. Shanda would have loved nothing more than to spend the whole night in Ralph’s room and wake up with him in the morning. But there were strict rules about sharing rooms, and she didn’t want to risk getting thrown out of campus. She felt on top of the world as she entered her block and ran up the stairs. Something had happened tonight, they had broken through a barrier. There was a small voice somewhere in a corner of her mind that Shanda wished she could close off that whispered to her that this was wrong, and that she was only waiting for her heart to be broken, just as it had been before. She shook her head. She could handle heartbreak. She’d lived through it many times in her life, and she would happily do it again. At that moment, she felt so good, any possible negative outcome was worth how he had just made her feel.

  Shanda felt that now she and Ralph would finally be together. He couldn’t possibly carry on a relationship after what had transpired between them. He would tell Michelle that their relationship was over, and that he was in love with another girl. She imagined walking around campus hand in hand with Ralph. Maybe she could even risk spending the night in his room once in a while so they could make love all night long.

  Perhaps over the break, she would take him to meet her mom. And maybe, even her dad. Maybe. When she was ready to see him again. Shanda was so engrossed in her own thoughts and fantasies, that she only saw Flora when she nearly ran into her. Flora stood in front of the door to Shanda’s room, blocking her from entering it.

  “Well, well, well, look who’s here,” Flora said, her eyebrows raised, and her hands on her hips like a disappointed parent.

  Shanda cursed under her breath. She didn’t want to talk about what had happened just yet, not until Ralph sorted things out with Michelle. She also didn’t want to look like a slut to her friend, or to anyone.

  “Hi,” Shanda said, simply. She stood in front of Flora and looked dead at her, wondering whether she would be able to enter her own room, or if she would have to get physical with Flora in order to do so.

  “What happened to you? I was told you came back here, to your room but when I came to find you, y
ou were not here,” Flora said, looking concerned. “Are you OK?”

  Shanda sighed. “Yes, I’m OK. Just went for a walk with Ralph.”

  “Oh, how is he by the way?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Tony and I saw what happened. We were walking when we stumbled upon Michelle and one of the guys making out. Unfortunately, your pal happened to be coming that way too, and he saw them. You should have seen his face!” Flora said.

  “He’s OK, he’ll live,” Shanda said in a cold tone. “Look I’m tired, and I need to get some rest. I’ve had a long night. I’ll see you tomorrow OK? Shanda asked, but realized it would be polite to ask her friend how her own night had been. “How did it go with Tony, by the way?”

  “Good, he’s wonderful.” Flora closed her eyes. “He’s just perfect; we have a date all set for tomorrow. We are going for lunch and then to a movie afterwards.”

  Shanda looked at her friend. Normally she would be delighted but she just felt terrible, and she couldn’t wait to get into her room.

  “I’m really happy for you Flora, you deserve a good guy.”

  “Thanks. Are you OK? You look kind of down.” Flora moved out of Shanda’s way, and Shanda had never been so happy to see a door in her life.

  “I’m fine thanks, just tired. I’ll see you when you get back. Have fun,” Shanda called over her back. She slipped into her room and hurriedly closed the door behind her, leaning against it after she’d locked it.

  She waited to hear Flora’s footsteps fade away, and then threw herself on her bed and cried as if her heart would break. Ralph had used her. He had pretended to be interested in her only because his girlfriend had hurt him. He used her as a means to get revenge upon Michelle. She was a fool. And the worst part was that she had known she was being a fool, but she allowed herself to indulge in her fantasy anyway. Even Flora had told her to give up, but did she listen? No! The ache in her chest felt as if it would consume all of her. Shanda buried her face in the pillow to muffle the sounds of her sobs. Oh Ralph, how could you?

  One good thing was that they no longer shared a class. She would avoid him as much as possible, and just hope that the year flew by. She never wanted to see Ralph again.

  Chapter 4

  “To finishing college!” Josh bellowed, lifting a glass full of bubbling beer.

  They all echoed the sentiment back. Ralph sipped at his beer pensively. Graduation was only two days away. He needed to make peace with Shanda. Sure, they’d spoken a little since they’d slept together, small talk mostly. They had never talked about that night. In fact, he was now sure that she had gone out of her way to avoid him. He wanted to say goodbye to her, and apologize for that night. He needed that closure. And he wanted her to have it, as well. He was aware that he’d hurt her deeply, and more than anything, he wanted her forgiveness. Well, he wanted her forgiveness just as much as he wanted his own.

  Here he was with his friends, gathered to celebrate the biggest event in any of their lives, and he felt numb to the celebratory atmosphere. If his time at school was drawing to a close, so, too, was the time he had left to apologize to Shanda, and try to salvage whatever scraps of potential friendship she may be willing to toss his way. Though he would understand if she never wanted to see him again.

  Every time he thought about it, he felt sick with shame. He had used Shanda; there were no two ways about it. Sure, she was gorgeous and sexy, but his motives that night had been to pay Michelle back for cheating on him; pure revenge. He drowned his beer and left the pub without saying goodbye to any of his friends. He would make an attempt to talk to her now, while the few drinks he had consumed had him feeling brave.

  He knocked on her door, hoping she wasn’t in. Hoping he wouldn’t have to face her. All the courage drained from his body when he heard footsteps approach on the other side of the door. She opened the door a crack, then allowed it to open all the way as she stepped back. She looked up at him in surprise. He hadn’t been to her room in ages. Ralph cleared his throat. He had a hard time looking her in the eye after what he’d done to her. But he had to do this.

  “Hi, um… look… can I please come in? This won’t take long. I promise,” Ralph said.

  Her hair was wet and her skin pink. She had probably just come from the shower, he could smell her freshness. Her lavender shampoo. It brought back such vivid memories. Memories he’d buried for the both of them the night he acted on a vengeful impulse instead of waiting to share a special moment with a woman whom he deeply cared about.

  “Sure,” she said. She turned and walked toward her desk, leaving him to follow her. Her voice had no melody—it was just one solid note. Not an angry note, not a happy note, but a resigned note.

  He sat on the bed, and Shanda pulled out her study chair and sat opposite him. She wasn’t making this easy. He found himself looking at her lips, and wanting very badly to kiss her. He cleared his throat and tried to clear his mind as well.

  “Graduation day on Friday huh?” Ralph commented.

  “Yeap, finally,” Shanda said. Her voice was devoid of any emotion. Her smile was small and forced. But she was speaking with him. She hadn’t yelled at him yet, or refused him entry into her room. These small things gave him hope. Two years was a long time. Maybe she’d already forgiven him. Maybe she’d moved on, found someone else.

  The thought still—after two years and so much distance—the idea of her being with someone else pained him. He hadn’t thought of it for so long, but now that she sat across from him, and he could see her face, her eyes, the skin he’d touched… he almost couldn’t breathe. He still cared for her, but he wasn’t sure just how much he cared. He couldn’t tell her that he loved her.

  “Yes, for me too. I’m excited to do something else. What are your plans after graduation?” Ralph said, having shaken himself from his thoughts.

  “I have a job lined up in town, in a management consultancy firm.” Shanda shrugged. “What about you? I bet you’re getting married soon.”

  Ralph was taken aback. Married? Why would Shanda think he was getting married? To whom?

  Michelle. The thought of being married to that woman nearly made him shudder. Somehow, Shanda must not have known what happened after they’d ceased talking to one another.

  “No, I’m not getting married. Especially not to… Michelle and I broke up.” Ralph said. He scratched the back of his neck and looked away from Shanda.

  “Oh.” she said. “So, then what are your post-graduation plans?”

  “I have two different job offers. One’s here in town and the other one is in California. I haven’t decided which one to take,” Ralph said. He couldn’t take the small talk any longer. He was glad to hear she’d found a great job—she deserved it. She was an incredibly smart woman who worked hard. But if he had to spend another moment avoiding the elephant in the room, he would go insane.

  “I’ve missed your friendship Shanda,” Ralph said. The words spilled out of him quickly, in a torrent. I wanted to come here tonight to apologize to you. I was wrong that night to sleep with you while I was with Michelle. I’m so sorry. It was a mistake.”

  “Don’t say that. It was special for me,” Shanda divulged. The solidity of her face began to show cracks. Her eyes moistened.

  “It was special for me too,” Ralph said. “But I was reacting from hurt, and I shouldn’t have allowed things to happen the way that they did. You’re beautiful, and kind, and smart, and any man would be lucky to have you.”

  Shanda looked at him with tears in her eyes. She turned her head away for a moment before looking back at him.

  “I’ve loved you since that first day,” she confessed. “And I always knew you felt something for me, too. I still feel that way. And you must, too, otherwise I know you wouldn’t be here. You would have just moved on with your life. Can’t we give it a shot; find out if we were meant to be?”

  Ralph shook his head, feeling confused. Did he have feelings for Shanda? He didn’t know. Maybe
he did, but for the moment, he really had no clue. He knew he felt terrible for harming her. He knew that he enjoyed the intimacy they had before he’d hurt her. But he didn’t know if he loved her.

  “Michelle hurt me very badly, and right now I think I just want to figure out who I am and what I want. I’m sorry Shanda; all I seem to do is hurt you. I know getting together with someone else this soon would be disastrous .”

  “Please,” Shanda begged, tears running down her cheeks.

  Damn! If he had known she had it this bad for him, he would not have slept with her that night. But something told Ralph that he was lying to himself. She was sweet and sexy and exactly what he needed. He regretted hurting her, but he had needed someone that night, and she had been there. He just wished he could do the same for her, but the fact was that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Besides, Shanda had been his friend for so long, it was difficult to think of her as a potential girlfriend.

  He wiped her tears from her face with his fingers.

  “Don’t cry for me, Shanda, I’m not worth it. Find a guy who loves you and whom you’ll love. You deserve love in return for what you give.”

  “But you said you’re not sure if you have feelings for me?”

  Not wanting to crush her again, Ralph sputtered. “I don’t know how I feel about you. I know that I care, but I am in no place to be with anyone romantically. And you can’t just wait… you can’t wait around for me to make up my mind; it’s just not fair to you.”

  “Why don’t you let me decide what’s fair or not,” Shanda snapped, reaching for a tissue and blowing her nose. Even in this condition, Ralph couldn’t help but be struck by her beauty.

  Ralph took her hands into his.

  “Shanda, you’re very special. Go out, meet many people and date many guys. There’s someone out there for you, but it’s not me. I’ll take the job in the West coast. It’ll be easier for both of us.”

  At that, Shanda broke down completely into heart wrenching sobs, and Ralph felt like a complete bastard. He couldn’t stand being the cause of so much of her pain, but he knew that he’d spoken the truth. They hadn’t gotten off to the best start for a healthy relationship, and he wanted that for her—a happy, healthy relationship, even if it wasn’t with him.