The WWW Club

by Anita Notaro

  “Wednesday, he’s training for the next two nights.” Maggie waffled on about his rowing and Toni thought how quickly she and Doug had settled into a routine. She knew she’d never have that with Gordon.

  “How about you?” Maggie asked eventually.

  “He’ll call.” She knew he would. The sex had been that good.

  “Did I make a show of myself on Friday night?” Ellie asked Jack on Monday morning as soon as the kids were out of earshot.

  “Not at all.” He seemed surprised. “You were hilarious. Kate wants to join your club. Does it have a name, by the way?”

  “I don’t know if I’m ready to share anymore of my personal obsessions with you just yet.” Ellie was teasing. “I didn’t take this job to become the main source of entertainment for your entire family.”

  “Shame. Bill has lots more questions for you. He was looking for your number the next morning.”

  “Actually, I felt awful on Saturday morning, not like me at all.” She tried to sound sophisticated but had the distinct impression he was thinking that it was exactly like her. “Although, I have to admit I did have a last glass of wine and watched a double episode of Will and Grace till one thirty after I got home.”

  He nodded knowingly. “You’d have to.”

  “Well, that’s it, so. Ballygowan for me from now on. My ab-fab days are over.”

  “Now that I think of it, Sam wasn’t well on Saturday morning either. Could it have been something you ate?”

  “I’d like to believe it, but no.” She thought for a moment. “Unless those hamburgers I defrosted for lunch on Friday …? Sam was rooting in the freezer and found them and said they were her favorite. Jess didn’t eat them, she wanted homemade fish fingers.”

  “Oh God, I’m sorry, that could easily have been it. Everything in the freezer has been there for years.”

  “Now you tell me.” She was just relieved it hadn’t been down to the hard stuff. “I’ll throw everything out today, except the food I put in myself.”

  He made her a coffee and they chatted a bit more. He seemed interested in the club, which surprised her. Most men’s eyes glazed over the minute you mentioned a diet. They were all afraid you were going to have them eating iceberg lettuce and drinking spritzers for the rest of their lives.

  That night the club was on a definite upturn. Now that Toni was having sex she decided the rest of them needed to get in shape with her. It took them all of three minutes to figure it out.

  They were in her apartment—it looked like a bomb had exploded, which wasn’t unusual. Toni herself looked radiant, which wasn’t unusual either. It was just the way she moved around, sort of lording it over them a bit, that did it.

  “You shifted him, didn’t you?” Pam spotted it first.

  “None of your business.”

  “Come on, out with it, you know you want to.” What Maggie meant was that she really wanted to as well. “Tell them what you nearly told me last night.”

  “How many marks out of ten?” Ellie cut to the chase.

  “Nine and a half.”

  That did it. They weighed themselves in double-quick time. Toni was the only one to have lost anything. “Christ, he must have been good, you’d want to be leaping off wardrobes to have lost two pounds after all you ate on Saturday.” Pam was miffed. “Let’s have a drink and you can tell all.”

  “No, that’s it, I’ve had enough of you slouches.”

  Bit hard, Ellie thought, they were all making an effort, really.

  “We are not ordering in and we are not having wine. I’m juicing a couple of heads of lettuce, some green peppers and Granny Smith apples.” Pam could feel her bowels beginning to move at the mere mention of the thing. “Look at us, it’s starting to show on our faces. We all look tired and haggard.” What she really meant was, you all look tired and haggard; I look, and feel, fabulous. “Now, after the juice we’re doing a yoga class, so get changed and I’ll put on the music. Then, I’ve made us an aduki bean and tofu casserole and we’re having peppermint tea to aid our digestion.” She looked at their faces and burst out laughing. “OK, maybe the peppermint tea is going a bit too far.”

  “A cold beer, perhaps?” Pam asked hopefully. “We’ll be sweating after all the exercise.”

  “Absolutely not, it’ll ruin our sleep. By the way, speaking of sleep, there are sticks of celery there for everyone to take home. Seemingly it’s brilliant to eat one at bedtime.”

  “Says who?”

  “The Internet, I’ve been doing some research. Now, let’s get started and if you’re very good,” she beamed at them, “I just might let you have a treat later.” The way she said it, they knew there was no arguing, all they could hope was that Donald Trump flittered out soon, then she’d be back to comfort eating like the rest of them.

  “Remind me again why we like her?” Pam joked as Toni went off to get organized.

  “Because she’s very kind underneath it all and great in a crisis and, let’s face it, she keeps us focused,” Ellie answered immediately. “We’d never have gone to Italy last year if she hadn’t booked it all and paid the deposit when you were broke, Maggie.”

  “Listen, I’m fine; it’s Pam you need to convince.”

  “Of course I like her, idiot, she’s my friend and she has a heart of gold.” Pam sighed. “It’s just that sometimes she irritates the hell out of me.”

  “You’re just not in good form at the moment, Pammy.” Ellie rubbed her back. “Anyway, shush, here she comes.”

  “Listen, sorry if I sound bossy, it’s just that I really want us all to do well.” Toni came in carrying a lurid green jug of something vile. “So, if we have another good week I’ll make something really tasty at the weekend and we can have wine as well next week. My treat. OK?”

  “I thought we were having a drink as a treat later.”

  “I didn’t say it was an alcoholic treat,” Toni teased. “It could be chocolate.”

  “OK.” Harmony was restored.

  Pam had almost persuaded Ellie to take an hour out and meet her for lunch on Thursday. “Pleeeeease, I need a sounding board.”

  “I never take a break, lunch hour doesn’t go with the territory.”

  “Just this once, please.”

  “OK. But I’ll have to check if it’s all right with Jack and it’ll have to be an early one. I collect Jess at one thirty.”

  “No problem, I’m off all day. And I can come to somewhere nearby. Thanks, Ellie, I really need to talk and you’re never free in the evening.”

  “I know. Olga wants me round tomorrow night and if I don’t call to see Mum and Dad this evening there’ll be hell to pay.”

  “And then it’ll be Saturday again and all the talk will be of sex,” Pam grumbled. “And we’re still no nearer getting any.”

  “Maggie’s not saying very much, though. Do you think it’s all going OK?”

  “Yeah, I do. I was talking to her yesterday and she sounded really happy. Anyway, I wonder how Marla what’s-her-name’s doing?”

  “Stop it, you.” Ellie laughed. “Anyway, it’s not Marla anymore. Donald Trump recently married again. And Toni is nothing like any of them.”

  “I know, I’m just a grumpy old woman.”

  “Well, she’s keeping us on the straight and narrow, that’s for sure. She dropped me round a soya and lentil loaf the other morning.”

  “Me too. The girls on the desk were complaining about the smell all morning.”

  “Did you not put it in the fridge?” Ellie was horrified.

  “I put it in the bin.” Pam was amazed she had to ask.

  “It wasn’t that bad. I brought some in and left it for Jack and when I came in yesterday it was all gone.”

  “I don’t think neglected separated men count. They’re right up there with tramps and dustbins.”

  “Oi, you, enough. I look after him very well.”

  “I’m sure you do, darling, but let’s face it, after a couple of weeks of your cooking, so
ya and what’s-it loaf could be very tasty. Remember that bean curd thingy? Ugh, I can still taste it.”

  “Bitch. Gotta go. Here he comes. I’ll ring you.”

  “Don’t forget. I need you.”

  Ellie hung up just as Jack came in.

  “Everything OK?”

  “Yes fine.”

  “It’s just, you look like you’re going to burst into tears.”

  Ellie hated asking favors. “No, it’s just, that was my friend Pam on the phone.” She decided to cut to the chase. “Would it be OK if I took an hour off tomorrow? It won’t interfere with anything, I promise. I’ll make up the time and everything and I’ll collect the girls and all that, it’s just—”

  “Nora.” He came closer and put his hand on her arm. “Stop it, will you? Of course you can take time off. Christ, am I that much of an ogre? You look positively in pain.”

  “Oh.” She was taken aback. “Thanks, I normally wouldn’t ask, it’s just she’s in trouble.”

  “Man or money or meringues?”

  She grinned, knowing what he meant. “Food is the least of her problems at the moment.” She told him about Stephen wanting to have the boys in New York for Christmas and his eyes darkened immediately and she was sorry she’d said it.

  “Christ, I can’t think of anything worse.” He had a far-away look and didn’t speak for a moment or two. “Although in my case it’s not likely.”

  “Has she ever been in contact?” Ellie wasn’t sure why she wanted to know.

  “Yes, she does send them packages on their birthdays and at Christmas. But it only confuses them.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I think she did love them, really. She just couldn’t cope with what they represented. She always wanted to be free.” He shook himself out of it. “Anyway, it suits me just fine now. She doesn’t know what she’s missing. They’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” He seemed to be talking to himself. “Take as much time as you need,” he told Ellie after a moment. “Bring your friend here, whatever.” He turned toward the door. “And Nora.”

  “Yes?”

  “Take time when you need it. To go to the bank or the chemist or the aduki bean shop or wherever.” He smiled absently. “You spoil us, and I’m grateful, just in case I forget to say it.”

  Now she definitely felt like bursting into tears. She never could cope when people were nice to her.

  Twenty-six

  “Christ, this is some house.”

  “I know.” Ellie felt a tad uneasy. “Now, remember, if he comes into the kitchen, make your excuses and skedaddle.”

  Pam nodded, although she couldn’t resist having a good look round as Ellie made two cups of tea. “So, what’s the story?”

  “They’re going.

  “When?”

  “December twentieth, for two whole weeks.” Pam ran her fingers through her hair. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without them.”

  “We’ll be around. You did the right thing, Pam.” Ellie rubbed her arm.

  “Well, Toni’s headed for Trump Towers at least, I’d say, and Maggie’s already told me that Doug’s been invited to Galway to meet the hobos that masquerade as her family for Christmas. Looks like it’s you and me, babe.”

  “Christ, don’t talk about it, it’s ages away.” Ellie hated Christmas,always had done. It was a family thing, although when she thought about it, it was more her particular family thing.

  “It’s November in a few days. The crackers have been out in Tesco since the copybooks came down. Any day now the lights will go up in Grafton Street and the buskers will start doing fifteen different versions of that Shane McGowan song.”

  “OK, Grumpy, Dozy here will keep you sane.” Ellie laughed and Pam felt better. “It’ll be fine, I promise. I’ll make mince pies, although on second thoughts …”

  Pam nearly spluttered out her tea. “Oh God, yes, I’d almost forgotten, you thought they were made of real mince.”

  “Stop it immediately, I was only about five at the time. I’m sorry I told you.” Ellie laughed at the memory.

  “Didn’t you put onion in them when your mother wasn’t looking?”

  “No, you made that up. Every time Christmas is mentioned you add another layer to that story.”

  They chatted for a while and the conversation came back to the boys.

  “I bet they’re pleased, though?” Ellie wanted to know.

  “Delirious. Andrew’s never off the Internet checking up on things to do and Paul has his case full—shorts, snorkel and Tayto crisps.”

  “Shorts? For New York? In December?”

  “Wouldn’t you bloody well know it?” Pam was bitter again in a flash. “He’s taking them to Florida for New Year. As if I hadn’t enough to compete with.”

  “Wow. He must have money.”

  “Oh, he has. Never had a bean when I was married to him but now, it’s like a cross between a lotto millionaire and John Carey. They’re going to Disney World as well.”

  “I think you’re fantastic to let them.”

  “I never had any choice really, did I?” She wasn’t looking for an answer. “If you love someone set them free, and all that shite.”

  “I’ll be here for you. Don’t worry. Keep thinking about lovely lie-ins, being able to find the remote and the lack of smelly socks in the kitchen.”

  “In the fridge, you mean.” Pam nodded at Ellie’s puzzled look. “Seriously, that’s what Andrew did last week. One of his mates told him to chill his dirty clothes. Supposedly it takes the smell away.”

  “Not great for the left-over roast beef, though, I’d say.”

  “Anyway, thanks, you’re a real pal.”

  “And so will the others. Be there, I mean.”

  “I know that too, I was only joking earlier. I just needed to talk, that’s all—make sense of it in my head. I’ve been going round in circles for days and the girls at work are no help.”

  “Speaking of no help, how’s your mother?”

  “Acting like the separation was all my fault and if I’d played my cards right her present this year could have been coming straight from Barneys.”

  “As opposed to Dunnes Stores?”

  “Yeah.” Pam’s eyes were watery. “Actually, I’m being unfair. She’s fine most of the time. I just get the feeling she wishes I’d stayed married to him.”

  “He left you, remember?”

  Pam nodded. She was so relieved to get it all off her chest that she suddenly burst into tears and Ellie was torn between wanting to cry with her and being mortified in case Jack caught them. He thought she was crazy enough as it was.

  Life was one long round of bubbles and bonking and baubles for Toni, who now belonged to the BBB Club as well.

  On Monday morning a package from Appleby’s had arrived at the nursing home addressed to her. Inside she found a diamond bracelet and even she knew enough to know they weren’t CZs. She had to shield her eyes from the sparkle. On Tuesday evening he called in to see his father and was waiting for her when she came off duty.

  “How did you know what time I finish? I could have been on till midnight.” She laughed as she got into the car.

  “If I can make half a million euros in one day, I think I can find out your schedule. Like it?” He noticed the bracelet.

  “I love it. Was that why I got it?”

  “Hmm?”

  “A share of the profit?”

  “Nope. You’d have got it even if I’d lost that amount.” He leaned over and kissed her nose. “You deserve it.”

  “How come you’re driving yourself?”

  “I’m not completely helpless, you know. There are some things I do very well.”

  “Like to show me one?” She put her hand on his thigh. They were driving along the coast road in toward town.

  “Here? Now?”

  She moved her thumb up and down. “Are you mad?”

  “Pull in, I know a little place. It’s dark.”


  She knew he wouldn’t be able to resist it. Men never were.

  Afterward, he nibbled her ear and murmured. “God that was great.” He tweaked her hair. “Totally unexpected. I hadn’t realized how much I needed it. It’s been a bitch of a day.”

  “Like you collected me just for a chat.” Toni smiled at him innocently.

  “I did actually.” But it was one of the things he liked about her. She knew the score.

  “Fancy a bite to eat? I’m starving.”

  “Me too.”

  They pulled in at the 40 Foot, a trendy eating place with great views. He ordered champagne cocktails without asking. He drank a lot, Toni noticed. She’d been planning a night of water and salad but what the heck, there’d be plenty of time for that once the novelty wore off.

  Maggie and Doug were becoming a proper couple. He picked her up from work most evenings. She liked the way he rang her if it was raining, or cold, to see how she was getting home, even if they weren’t having a proper date. He thought nothing of driving in from Dalkey or Killiney, or wherever he was working, to pick her up if she was tired and couldn’t face the bus. When they did meet they usually went for a walk or coffee or sometimes the movies.

  “I know, let’s go to The Orchid Sichuan for duck.” She was all smiles when he picked her up on Thursday. She’d spent the whole afternoon daydreaming about him.

  “Sure, only their prices are madly expensive.” He laughed. “It works out at about twelve euros a pancake, and that’s mostly cucumber and spring onions, or whatever they give you to fill the things up.”

  “Well, they do serve seaweed with their duck. Mind you, it is deep fried.”

  “What has that got to do with anything?”

  “Ellie’s been doing some research and apparently it’s full of iron or minerals—everything, in fact. She’s determined to get us eating the stuff; she’s cooking it for us next week. I think she may have even tried it out on that family she minds. You know, slipping seaweed in their cereal, that sort of thing.”

  “How could anyone not notice seaweed in their cereal?” Doug was puzzled.

  “I’m joking, silly. She didn’t actually put it in the muesli, at least I hope she didn’t. Anyway, tonight is a good excuse to try some. My treat, I got paid today.”