by Jenn Vakey
5/15/09- Today went super smooth. I pulled over and offered him a ride as he was walking to work. Then I just injected him as he was buckling up. It was so easy. After making sure he was out, I tacked the card to a nearby tree and we were off. I drove straight out to the cabin and got him into the basement before having to go in for my shift. It would be so much easier if I didn’t have to work. Then I could just spend all of my time with the vessels and not have to worry about covering myself around others. I would quit in a heartbeat if I could. I know I wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on the vessels without it, and I wouldn’t be able to monitor the investigation. Oh, I can’t wait for this to be over. I can’t wait for the day that I get to walk away from that place. Hopefully it will be burned to the ground, either metaphorically or literally... I don’t really care.
Well, my shift just ended. I only stopped by my place to change and grab some clothes before heading out to the cabin. I’m running way behind on this one, but I wasn’t able to sneak away at lunch. Hopefully the second step of the process goes as smooth as when I took him. Well, I should be going.
5/17/09- I didn’t get a chance to write yesterday. Things have been a little rough around here. The procedure didn’t go very well. He ended up hemorrhaging, and I barely got it to stop before he bled out. He didn’t even wake up until midday yesterday. Luckily we have the same blood type, so I was able to give him a transfusion. I think that’s what it’s called. Anyway, I was able to give him my blood to save him. I never considered needing a blood supply here in case something went wrong. I guess it doesn’t really matter, though. If they die, I can just go out and find someone else. I do think I need to have a back up ready in case that happens. I still want to keep to my timeframe, so I could just grab the second man on the same day and it wouldn’t mess anything up.
Anyway, the vessel is doing much better today. He’s still pretty weak, but his color is almost back to normal. I didn’t push him yesterday, but I did today. I explained everything to him and he just nodded before kind of going limp. It was easy for Justin to enter him after that.
He asked me how I’ve been and told me he loved me. After an hour, I curled up in bed with him and he put his arm around me. I could tell he was still weak because he didn’t really hold me, but it was so great to have even what little he could muster. I stayed there with him until he passed out. Even then, it was another hour before I got up. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to say there with him all night. I will admit that I did kiss him when I got up. I know I shouldn’t because he isn’t in his body, but I couldn’t help it. It was just so hard to stop there. I didn’t want to. I wanted so much more from him. I had to force myself to leave, because I knew if I waited too long that I wouldn’t be able to. I know it wouldn’t be cheating, because it’s Justin’s soul, but it just wouldn’t be good enough. I don’t just want his soul... I want his body. I want all of him. I just hope I won’t have to wait too much longer before I can have him all.
5/19/09- The vessel is doing much better today. His leg isn’t looking so good, but it will work until the process is complete. This one isn’t putting up much of a fight at all. He’s made it really easy for Justin to be able to transfer in. He just gets it. He knows that what he’s doing is important, and he’s not fighting it. His weakness is having a little bit of an effect on Justin, though. He has to put so much energy into controlling it because of how weak it is that it’s leaving him sounding almost tired and cold. I know it’s not his fault, though. He doesn’t mean it. I know how hard it is for me to have to do all of this. It is a gazillion times harder for him. Not only does he get emotionally drained during the time in between the vessels, I know it’s physically taxing for him to have to get used to the different bodies. I didn’t help anything by botching the procedure. Now he has to work twice as hard just to make up for the loss of energy in the vessel. I imagine it makes him a little grumpy, but I can’t hold that against him.
I know he doesn’t mean to be cold with me. He’s just ready for this to be complete so he can be back. I know that’s what it is. Well, I’m going to try to get a nap in while he’s sleeping. I want to make a nice dinner for him tonight so he can get a little stronger.
5/20/09- The vessel has started to fight back a little. He started crying today. I knew right away that he had pushed Justin out and took the body back over. Justin never cried, not even at the end. I know there’s no way he would start now. He’s too strong for that.
I decided just to leave him be for a little while. I’m hoping he will wear himself out so Justin can get back in. I’ve got to be heading into work anyway. I’ll let my man fight his way back in while I’m gone. I know he won’t have much trouble. In fact, I’m sure he will be settled back in by the time I get off tonight.
5/22/09- I took the day off today. I told them I was just too upset knowing that another man was going to die today. I went out to the cabin early and got everything ready before bringing the vessel up for lunch. It was actually pretty romantic. It started raining just before we sat down. I opened the windows and let the sounds carry through the room. It was great. We even had a pleasant conversation while we ate. I could also see Justin leave when the time came. As soon as he did, I ended it. Since I had the day off, I took my time like I did with the last one. I didn’t know how long it was going to be before the rain stopped, so I decided to just take him out. I knew there was a risk in going out in the rain, especially with footprints, but I kind of liked it. It reminded me of when Justin and I used to go out for walks in the rain. To cover myself, I took the vessel’s boots and wore them when I got close to where I was going to leave him. If any prints get left, they will think they belong to a man with a size ten foot. Being that Ben wears an eleven or something, that will actually help him out a little. While I want them to look at him if the investigation should ever turn in my direction, I don’t really want him to get convicted. Well, not really. Footprints would just be circumstantial, so they wouldn't really rule him out. I would just need him to take the blame long enough for me to continue the process. Of course, I would have to stop leaving the notes after that. The moment another one was found, they would stop looking at him and start the search again.
I miss having him already. I know it’s only been a few hours, but I really do miss him. I wish I could keep them longer. All of this waiting is killing me. I just wish he was strong enough to come back for good.
Well, I’m going to shower and head to the bar. I imagine everyone will be out there tonight. It’s become a bit of a thing. Everyone goes out after the vessels are killed. I guess it’s their way of grieving the fact that they lost. I’m going to go out and watch it. I’m not going to lie... I quite enjoy watching their misery.
5/23/09- I know it’s soon, but I’m already out looking for the next guy. Justin came to me in a dream last night. He’s getting so much stronger! I’m so glad, too. I think something deep inside of me thought that it might not work. I never even admitted it to myself... well, not aloud.
Anyway, so I was walking through the woods in my dream and Justin came up behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and told me that he missed me. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy. We held hands and just walked along the tree covered paths. We didn’t even talk. We were just there together. It was amazing. I was so upset when I woke up and I realized that it hadn’t been real.
I don’t want to have to wait before taking another vessel. I wish I didn’t have to. I just want him back so bad. I don’t want to have to wait for weeks just so I can have a few days with him. I want him back all the time. I want to be able to hold him and go for walks with him. I want to be able to curl up in bed together and spend the night talking. I think I’ve missed that more than anything. Even if I had to go the rest of my life without being able to hold him, I would still be satisfied just to be able to talk to him the way we used to. I’m not talking about just the casual conversation here or there... I’m talking about when we turned off the television or
radio and just talked. It’s something that you take for granted until it’s gone. I would give anything just to have one of those conversations again. It’s not the same with the vessels. I know it’s him talking, but it’s just not the same. Well, I think I’m going to get some sleep. I’m not really tired, but I’m hoping he’ll be waiting there for me.
5/25/09- Dr. Gamboa brought up the case again today. He’s trying not to show it, but I can tell that he’s a little concerned. Since the department isn’t smart enough to figure out the pattern, it seems that all men are a little nervous these days. I think he’s hoping I will be able to give him some information that the news isn’t reporting. Oh, if only he knew!
The vessel’s body was found today. I didn’t go to the scene, but I heard he was found by a group of high schoolers that were looking for a place to drink. They didn’t even bother to get rid of the beer before calling the police. I guess that’s teenage boys for you. The good part about them finding the body is I know they will tell everyone they can get to listen. Since they are adolescents, I know they will also make it sound even more brutal than it already is. Are they adolescents? I can never remember if that’s just young children or anyone who’s a minor. It might just be young children. Oh well, that’s not the point. All in all, it was a great day!
5/29/09- I’ve made up my mind. I can’t keep waiting as long in between the vessels. This isn’t moving fast enough. I should have him back by now. It’s been long enough. I don’t have anything else to say right now.
5/30/09- I can’t sleep. Something happened today that was so amazing that I can’t get over. When I walked into my bedroom today after work, Justin was sitting on my bed. I couldn’t even speak. I just stood there and stared at him, while he smiled back at me. He wasn’t completely here, almost like a ghost, but it was him. It’s working! He’s getting strong enough to come to me without needing a vessel.
I couldn’t even make myself move until he finally spoke. “Hi, monkey,” he said. His voice was so sweet on my ears. My heart jumped when I heard it and I rushed toward him. I tried to touch him, but he wasn’t solid enough. My hand just went right through. I felt like crying, both from sadness and happiness. It was so hard not being able to touch him. I wanted to so badly. We just sat next to each other and talked until I fell asleep. I really wish I hadn’t fallen asleep in the middle of the afternoon. Not just because I can’t sleep now, but because he was gone when I woke up. As AMAZING as it was to see him, it almost hurt worse when I woke up and he wasn’t there beside me. At first I thought it might have just been a dream, but it wasn’t. He was here. Oh, I can’t believe it. He was actually here. It was so amazing to see him and to be able to talk to him. It’s so much better than seeing him in dreams or talking to him through the vessels. I value those times, but it’s nothing compared to actually having him here in front of me. I just wish he had been strong enough for me to be able to hold him. Falling asleep next to him was great, but I wish I could have fallen asleep in his arms. I really can’t wait until this process is complete so I can feel him up against me.
June 2009
6/5/09- I went to the bar with Ben tonight. I met a man who would be a good candidate. He was actually on the list of cases I’ve worked, but the only photo we had was his driver's license, and that was really old. I didn’t even remember him until I saw him tonight. Then I just felt stupid for not thinking of him before. I didn’t want to risk pulling his file after Ben saw me talking to him, so I memorized his info off of the cards in his wallet he left sitting on the bar. As soon as I got home, I jotted it down in my address book. I need to remember to take it out after I get a little more information on him.
Other than that, the night was pretty fun. Ben and I laughed and joked until nearly closing time. He likes to hear the happenings in the department, and I know everything going on in that place. Well, I should call it a night.
6/7/09- I am SO furious right now! I hate this damn department. I wish I could burn the whole thing down! Joy got fired today! I couldn’t believe it when they escorted her in to clear out her desk. I wanted to jump on the chief and claw his eyes out. How can he do this to the department? It’s one thing to fire someone because they are incompetent. Joy was great at her job! She might have come in hung over from time to time, but she still never had any problems.
Why was she fired? Because she got drunk and made out with a guy from the station. I don’t think their paths ever crossed before. He hadn’t been working there for more than a few weeks. He’s just some guy downstairs. This really is the stupidest thing ever!!! I can’t believe it. Joy was so good at what she did. She was the best person in the entire department when it came to analyzing bugs from the scenes. Losing her is going to mean losing that expertise. What the hell could he have been thinking?! Is it really worse for people to date within the department? I would think the thing they should be more concerned with is losing the good people they have.
This just further proves what I’ve been trying to prove. The department is ruining people’s lives. Joy was drunk and made out with a guy. I don’t even know if she knew he worked for the department. She made a drunken mistake while off work and lost her job because of it. It’s SO stupid! I hate this damn place. Everyone knows it’s a stupid rule and it should be abolished. It never should have even been established in the first place. It hasn’t done any good. This is exactly why I need to show the town how they are hurting people. They aren’t helping anyone. This is ridiculous. I’m even surer now that what I’m doing is right. Even if it wouldn’t bring Justin back, it’s still the right thing to do. They need to be punished. Not just for causing Justin’s death, but because of what they’re doing to people.
6/10/09- I’m so anxious right now. I want to take another man now. Part of it has to do with how frustrated I am with the department right now, but I really just want to have Justin back again. I don’t want to have to wait any longer to have him back for good. It’s been long enough. I think I found the perfect guy. I’m just waiting for Justin to make the final decision for me. Hopefully it will happen today when I go out to watch him. I should be going. I’m not going to have much time before heading into work. I’m also going out with Joy tonight. She says she alright, but I know better. She’ll be happy I’m doing all of this when the real reasons come out.
6/11/09- I was right about the man I picked. Justin showed me as soon as I found him yesterday. He was at work, so I sat back and watched him for an hour. He’s strong, which will be good for Justin. He also seems to be a good leader. He was telling everyone on the construction site what to do, and everyone listened. He’s a little younger than the last few, also. He’ll definitely be good for Justin. He’ll make him stronger, which should help to speed things up. Oh, I can’t wait until it’s time!
6/12/09- It was a little more difficult to grab this one, but I managed to get it done. I was only minutes away from being caught, though. I had pulled my car over on a street he walks down to get to work and waited for him to get close before standing at the back with my arms full of bags. I acted like I was struggling to get the trunk open. As expected, he came right over to help. As soon as he pulled the trunk open for me and took one of the bags to put it, I injected him. I had just closed the trunk when someone rounded the corner. I panicked for a moment, but the guy driving the car had to be close to a hundred. I seriously doubt he will even remember seeing me, let alone be able to describe me if someone asked. Because I had to be in early, I had just enough time to drop him off at the cabin and get him secure before heading in. I was so shaken by the old guy that I actually forgot to leave the card. I had to swing back by before heading to the station to put it in place. It’s still a pretty quiet street, so I don’t know how long it will take for it to be found. I imagine once the report comes in that he didn’t show up for work, people will go out looking. Either that or someone will notice it while out for a run. Well, my lunch break is over. I better be going.
6/14/09- This vessel i
s a fighter. It took me a while to get him to settle down enough for Justin to enter him. We had a lot of fun after he was able to transfer in, though. We even played a little game. It was one we used to play while we were dating. We used to meet at a bar and pretend like we were strangers. He didn’t even tell me we were playing the game before he started. It was fun and exciting, though. When I walked in, he pretended like he had no idea he knew me. Well, he pretended like we had just met. He kept asking who I was and what we were doing there. I decided to pretend to be a nurse and told him that he had gone through a major procedure and I was going to take care of him. Then he went on to say that he didn’t understand, so I told him that was just a side effect of the medication he was on. We went on and on from there before I had to leave. I gave him a quick wink before walking out and told him I would be back later to give him his sponge bath. It was so much fun. I love when we play those games. Well, I should get dinner started. I need to make sure he keeps up his strength.
6/15/09- I had a great day with Justin today. I hate that I have to leave to go to work soon. I actually almost called in today, but I knew I couldn’t. Justin was already in the body when I went down this morning with breakfast. I made pancakes, because I know how much he loves them. He just smiled at me when I walked it. It wasn’t quite his normal smile, but I can tell he’s gaining more control over the body.
After he ate, I put on a movie and curled up in bed with him. He was still a little stiff when he put his arm around me, but it was great. I could tell that the vessel was trying to fight him a little on it. He’s my strong man, though, and didn’t back down. I wanted to kiss him so bad for it. I could tell me wanted to, too. I couldn’t let it happen. I shouldn’t have the last time. It’s just not right. It’s not pure. As bad as I want to feel his lips against mine, I want them to be his lips. Oh, it’s so hard! I just want him so bad. I want to feel his body against mine and feel his hands sliding up my back. I want him to hold me the way he used to. It really is just so hard. I can only imagine how hard it is for him. It must feel so strange. I can’t even imagine how it feels to touch something with someone else’s hands. I’ve wanted to ask him about it, but I didn’t think I should. As curious as I am, I don’t want to ask him about anything having to do with his time away. I know it can’t be easy. I decided to wait to ask him about any of it until he’s back for good.