by Jenn Vakey
Oh, I really don’t want to go to work. I also don’t want to spend my lunch break at Dr. Gamboa’s office today. Like work, I have to keep up my appearances there. I have to show him that I’m happy and well adjusted. And I have to do it all without laughing at his ignorance!
6/16/09- Oh, my neck hurts. I’m going to add my back to that, also. Justin was already asleep when I got back last night, so I sat down in the chair in the corner just so I could be with him. I ended up falling asleep there and spending the entire night. It was wonderful to have him there with me, but I could have definitely found a more comfortable place to sleep.
I don’t have much else to write about today. Justin is doing really well. He’s getting stronger every day. He started to play our little game again today, but it didn’t last long. I think he was pretty tired, because he ended up just rolling over and closing his eyes. I can’t blame him. I do not have to exert the energy he is, but I’m still pretty tired today. I’m about to head into work. Detective Wilcome is going nuts. He’s been hanging around the lab and has requested that all of the physical evidence be looked over AGAIN! I don’t know if he’s going to survive this whole thing. He’s looking really bad these days. I also don’t think his marriage will make it through. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been home at all in a week. I ran into his wife bringing him some clean clothes last night when I was on my way out. She wasn’t looking like her chipper self.
Well, it’s that time again. Off to that hell hole.
6/18/09- I had a really nice talk with Justin today. He told me how happy he is to get to spend time with me, and how much he really likes this body. He even told me that he thinks it would be best if I keep it around for a bit longer. He told me that he can feel himself growing stronger and that he doesn’t want to risk being set back by having to start over in another body. I told him I would think about it. Personally, I don’t want to risk messing up the process. If I change something, it could cause the whole thing to stop working. It would kill me if that happened. What if I had to start over from the beginning again? Justin would hate that. I don’t know if he would have the emotional strength to do it. It would be like a man in a wheelchair working really hard and finally getting to the point where he can stand and work toward walking just to be hit by a car and put right back in the chair. How could anyone have hope after that? I told him I’d think about it, but I’m just going to stick to the plan.
He also told me that the drugs I’m giving him are making him weaker. I’ve just been giving him small doses to keep the vessel under control, but maybe I should stop. I mean, I have the restraints on. If it’s making it harder for Justin to maintain his energy, maybe I should stop using them except during the abduction and the procedure. Maybe that will help to move things along a little faster. I’m really hoping that I won’t need to take more than one or two more vessels. Since he’s able to come to me without a vessel now, I’m thinking that it won’t take much more before he’s ready. I think
6/19/09- Sorry, I got cut off yesterday before I could finish my thought. I don’t even remember now what I was going to say. The vessel fell out of bed, though. It scared me when I heard him hit the floor. Actually, he didn’t so much fall out of bed as fall and pull the entire bed over with him. I guess now that I’m not going to be sedating them as much, I should probably secure that.
Well, the rest of the process went pretty much like the others. I came out on my lunch break and took care of it, then came back after my shift to place the pieces in the woods. It was pretty uneventful.
Oh, and Detective Wilcome threw a chair through the window today! It was AWESOME! I’m so glad that I just happened to be in the homicide office when it happened. I had just come back from lunch, and I guess he knew that the vessel had already been dispatched. He just let out this loud bellow and picked up one of the chairs in the conference room they are using and flung it at the window. No one seemed to know what to say. Everyone just stared at him and the window until he walked out after a few moments. The chief came in a little while later, but he didn’t say anything. I guess he shares Wilcome’s frustration. It was pretty fantastic, though. I halfway expected him to follow the chair out the window. I was kind of disappointed when he didn’t. Oh well.
6/20/09- I’m not going to lie... I’m a little drunk. I haven’t been properly drunk in a while. I know it’s only six right now, but I just needed it today. Everyone at the station is devastated at the idea that another man has been killed, but I’m blue for entirely different reasons. I miss him. I kind of wish that I had listened to Justin and kept him around for a bit longer.
He was so much stronger this last time. His soul was stronger. He was stronger than I’ve seen him in so long. Even before he left. He grew weaker almost by the day before. Now the opposite is happening. He’s growing stronger and stronger.
I almost slipped up tonight. The guys were talking about their relationships and the funny quirks their loved ones have. I almost said something about Justin. I caught myself just in time. That would have been so bad. No one on the task force has any clue that Justin and I even talked, let alone were in a relationship. If they found out, I’m sure they would start to question the bodies. Even those idiots wouldn’t be able to miss that. I’m still baffled they haven’t even come close to putting it together yet.
Well, the room is spinning. I should probably go lay down or I might just fall over.
6/22/09- Dr. Gamboa said that I’m doing well enough that he thinks we should be able to reduce the frequency of my appointments. He said that instead of every week, I should only go in every other week. Personally, I don’t think I need to go at all anymore, but I need to keep up appearances. I don’t think there’s any chance they would get on to me, and even less of a chance they would ever be able to track down Dr. Gamboa, but I need to make sure I’m covered. Since I’ve been seeing him since shortly after Justin passed, he would make a good character witness. I would only need him to buy me enough time to finish the process. After that point, there wouldn’t be any problems. I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided that it will all play out one of two ways...
The first is they will realize what I was doing after Justin comes back, then let it go because it was obviously the only option. The second, and I think the most likely of the two, is they will just be perplexed when the vessels stop being taken and will never put two and two together. While it would be nice not to have to deal with the questions and investigation, I kind of hope it’s the first one. It’s the only way the department will face the punishment they deserve. I’m just going to let it play out, though. If it never becomes clear to them, I’ll find another way to make sure the citizens of Addison Valley know it’s the department who’s to blame.
6/25/09- I spent an hour sitting in front of the memorial I built to Justin in the back of my closet today. I wanted to see him so bad, but he didn’t come. I know it’s a bit of an adjustment when he leaves the vessels and has to go back to the in between. He has to get used to being in that state again before he will have enough control to come visit me. I found another picture tucked in a book today that I added to it. It’s one that Justin and I took that day in San Antonio at the zoo. We spent the entire day running around, then took their little train to the museum to check out the dinosaurs. I don’t think I remember ever having so much fun. It was pretty cool that the zoo train drops people off at the museum, then picks them back up again.
I was really hoping Justin would be strong enough to come to me. It’s nice to be able to talk to his memorial and remember the fun times we had together, but it’s nothing compared to having him there in front of me.
6/26/09- I took the day off today to clean the cabin. I’ve been falling behind and the mess was driving me crazy. It’s quiet around here without anyone else. I’m feeling ready to have another man. I know it’s too soon, though. Justin isn’t strong enough yet. I’m not going to wait when he is. As soon as I know he’s ready, I’m grabbing the next
man. I guess I should start looking for the right one. I want to be prepared for when the time comes.
6/29/09- Went to go see Dr. G today. This was my last appointment before reducing my sessions. It was a pretty bland appointment. We actually ended up talking about baseball. Like me, he’s a Rangers fan. And not one of those bandwagon ones who only started liking them after they started winning. It was actually a pretty pleasant session. I will say that I’m glad he recommended I start writing in a journal. It’s actually been really fun. Well, not so much fun as a good way to get my thoughts out. I think it’s the one thing that’s keeping me sane. Not really much more to report.
6/30/09- I was out looking for a new man today. I think I found the right one. He’s a real family man. I think me might even be a stay at home father. Justin was always really big on family. That’s the reason he put off school to take care of Ben after their parents died. I don’t think there’s a better characteristic for a man to have. He does have a tattoo on his arm, though. I don’t know how I feel about that. I guess beggars can’t be choosers.
July 2009
7/2/09- I heard a new detective was brought in. By the way the detectives have been talking, she’s supposed to be good. There was a moving truck parked out in front of my building yesterday. I wonder if that’s her. Detective Wilcome must really be desperate if he’s pulling in detectives from across the country just to help him out.
7/4/09- I spent the entire day out with Ben today. It was pretty fun. He was thinking about getting a sofa for his place, and he invited me along. I still can’t believe he doesn’t actually have one yet. I always saw those gamer chairs as more of a teenage or college thing. Adults don’t usually use them. It’s also not really romantic. I mean, how are you supposed to get cozy with someone if all you have is two chairs?! Maybe he’s thinking that it’s time to start dating. I tried to probe him about it, but he talked his way around the subject. I wonder if he’s already met someone. I don’t see why he wouldn’t have told me. I’m just going to have to keep pushing him about it.
It was a pretty fun day. We hit both of the furniture stores in town before he gave up and said something about ordering one online. After that, we went out for dinner at that really good Mexican restaurant across town. Their salsa is fantastic. If we hadn’t been going out after, I would have grabbed some to-go. I love putting it on my breakfast tacos in the morning.
We hung out for a while after dinner until the party started. It wasn’t nearly as large as last year, but that’s not surprising. People are being incredibly cautious these days. I guess that won’t change until Justin is back and the vessels are no longer needed. The fireworks were pretty, though. There was also only one fire this year! Well, at least as far as I know. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more. If memory serves, three houses actually burned down last year. One was just in the path of a brush fire, but two were because of stupid kids lighting fireworks either inside or too close to the house. The only fire I heard about tonight was a grass fire on the high school football field.
I was hoping the new detective would show up. I heard the guys talking about her and they said she was still at the office. Apparently she didn’t waste any time before starting on the case, and she hasn’t done much else over the last few days. I was also hoping they might have a little juice on her. I really want to find something I can use to distract her if I need to. No such luck. They all seem to be pretty impressed with her, and no one mentioned any attachments or weaknesses she might have. Would it really be too much to ask for her to be some kind of junkie or something?! I guess I will have to keep asking. I don’t really want to get near her... at least not right now. I would much rather just remain hidden. If I could stay out of her view but still distract her, which would be perfect.
7/6/09- I brought another man back to my apartment tonight. This one was just as easy to drug and get into bed as the others. The only difference this time was Justin was waiting in the living room for me when I walked back out. He just grinned at me and rolled his eyes. I nearly fell over laughing.
I’m so glad he didn’t question me or give me a hard time about it. In fact, he actually thinks that I’m doing the right thing in bringing them home. He made some snarky comment that almost sounded like jealousy, but he quickly shrugged it off. He may joke about it, but I know he knows that I would never betray him like that. I just couldn’t believe he picked that time to come to me. What would have happened if he decided to show up before that drunken bar guy passed out?! How the hell would I have explained that one away? He wouldn’t have had any clue of the significance of it, but it would have lit the fuse to the end. He would have surely told someone about what he say, and it would eventually get back to someone in the department. I’m sure it would have taken them a while to connect the pieces, but it would have all fallen apart the moment they realized who he was.
Aside from the shock, it was so great to see him. I won’t have to pretend to be happy when I go in tomorrow. I just won’t tell them the reason was because I got to spend the evening with my true love instead of the man I left the bar with.
Oh, I’m so tired. I’ve been feeling more so lately. I guess I haven’t been getting much sleep. I’ve been so anxious and excited that I just stare at my ceiling for hours before actually falling asleep. My mind just races. I asked Dr. Gamboa if he wouldn’t mind giving me something to help me get to sleep when I was at my appointment today. I filled the prescription, but it’s not like I can take one tonight. I don’t want to be in a deep sleep if this guy wakes up. Maybe I’ll start on them tomorrow. Part of me is almost afraid to. What if I do and it messes things up. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but what if part of the process is tied to me. If I mess with that, I fear that it might cause problems. I don’t know if I really want to risk that. Besides, it’s just sleep. I can go another month or two without it. When I have Justin back, I can spend a few days sleeping just to catch up.
I was hoping Justin would stay the night, but he said he had to go. He’s trying to keep his strength up for the next vessel. Though he hasn’t said it, I can tell he’s really hoping this next one will be the last. I don’t want to see him disappointed.
7/8/09- I saw that new detective out running while I was on my way to work this morning. This is the second morning that I saw her, but I wasn’t really paying attention last time. I’m pretty sure that’s who it is, though. I’m guessing she runs to work instead of driving. She’s pretty. Very petite. I mean, she’s not to my level of pretty, but she’s not bad. I still haven’t found the time to introduce myself. I don’t really know if I want to, though. I’ve been pretty confident that no one on the task force would even look at me as a suspect. I can’t say the same for this one. For one, she’s a woman. What if she decides to throw out the idea that a woman could be responsible? I was able to distract Detective Butcher, but I don’t know if I will be able to do the same with her.
On another note, it’s been a year now since Justin passed. I was hoping I would be able to get him back by now, but at least I’m getting close. I don’t think it will take more than a couple men before he’s ready. Three tops.
Work in general was pretty boring. After my shift, I spent a few hours watching James. He’s the new vessel. I think it will definitely be pretty easy to get this one. He’s on a pretty routine schedule. I won’t even have to follow him before finding the right place to grab him. I could be waiting in a perfect spot and not have any doubts that he would come to me. Well, I’m going to head to the bar. I’m hoping the detectives will be nice and lubricated by the time I get there. That way they will be more willing to talk about their latest addition.
7/9/09- I had the day off today, so I was able to follow the vessel around. He goes out for a run before his wife leaves for work, then spends the morning inside with his child. Just before noon, he takes her to her school, then runs errands until picking her up a couple hours later. The most interesting stop of his day is to a house just a few door
s down from his. I couldn’t see what was going on inside, but I’m guessing he is having an affair with the woman who lives there. When I saw it, I almost considered looking for another man. I know my Justin would never do such a thing. He’s adamant about taking this one, though. I guess the other qualities he has outweigh the fact that he’s a pig.
Justin was waiting for me when I got back today. He was just standing in the kitchen, staring at the refrigerator. He told me he was fine, but I could tell me was hungry. He isn’t solid yet, though, so he can’t eat. He is growing more so with every time I see him. That makes me happy. I know it won’t be much longer now. Only one or two men after this one, and he should be strong enough to re-enter his body. I was worried that it wouldn’t be good enough for him since so much time has passed, but he said it will be fine. He told me that when he’s strong enough, it will heal. He then told me that I needed to get it so we would have it when the time came. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t, but he said it was the only way. I’m not looking forward to seeing him like that. I have all of these images in my head, but I know the real thing will be worse. I wish I had someone else I could ask, but I know that would be impossible. No one will understand until the process is done. They will think I’m crazy, because they can’t see him. I asked him about that, too. I asked him why he couldn’t go to his brother and explain things to him. Then maybe he could help me. He said that the only reason he can appear to me is because I’m willing to accept that he’s really here. It won’t work with anyone else. Their minds and hearts are closed off to the idea, so they won’t be able to see him. This would be so much easier if Ben knew. I know he’s the one person who wants Justin back as much as I do. I just wish there was something I could do. I know there isn’t, though. Oh, he will be so excited when he learns what I’ve done. I want it to be a surprise. I’ll take him somewhere and let him see Justin for himself. He’s going to freak! I’m so excited!