Finding Kylie

by Kimberly McKay

  Unfortunately, the next few pages were torn out. The only thing Chastity saw was the word, STUPID, written in permanent marker on the inside back cover.

  An uneasy feeling came over her. It was like the moment before a massive storm unleashed its fury. There was lots of tense energy coursing through her veins, as she was unsure of where this was taking her.

  “What happened, mom? Why would you tear out these pages and mess up your journal?” She sat up, holding her breath. “Something’s wrong!”

  Grabbing for the last notebook, she flung open the cover and saw the last thing she expected. Written in a small tight handwriting, unlike her mom’s previous entries, were these words, He raped me.

  As if lightning struck her, she threw the journal across the room and began to scream a desperate cry. Chastity doubled over and covered her mouth, as if she’d been punched in the gut.

  She heard Cheryl pounding up the stairs. All Cheryl had to do was open the bedroom door and look into Chastity’s eyes to see that she finally knew the truth.

  Chapter 7

  Cheryl walked Chastity downstairs, placed her in the most comfortable chair in the house, and covered her up with Kylie’s favorite quilt.

  “I picked up some wine for later, but I think we’ll need it a little earlier than planned.” She started for the kitchen, but paused. “Do you want me to make it a spritzer?”

  “Please. I haven’t eaten a lot today, and I’m a little shaky.”

  Chastity listened to her own response, but it sounded like someone else. She felt a thousand miles away.

  Cheryl returned with two full glasses, and sat them down on the coffee table in front of them.

  “Where do you want me to start?” She put her hand on Chastity’s shoulder and squeezed softly.

  “I think I’m still in shock. Did I really read what I think I did? Was my mom really raped?” Chastity wanted the truth, but wasn’t ready to hear the answers to the questions she hadn’t asked yet.

  Am I a product of that night? Did she get pregnant with me? It pained her to think these questions, let alone ask them aloud.

  “Yes, honey. She was.” Cheryl stared sadly at her friend’s daughter from across the coffee table before continuing. “You’re mother had a very sad past, and that’s what she tried to hide from you her whole life. She wanted you to have a chance at happiness with out knowing the ugly truth.”

  “So John is my father, but I wasn’t conceived out of love…” she paused, before adding, “but out of pain?”

  Tears flowed from her questioning eyes. She quickly put her hands over them, and let out a deep breath.

  “So much makes sense now ... why she wouldn’t talk about him. Why she’d stare at me, when she didn’t think I’d notice.”

  Cheryl wanted to stop her before she jumped to the wrong conclusion.

  “Your mother loved you very much. How you came into this world isn’t what she thought of, when she saw you!”

  Chastity’s face twisted with aguish. “You saw how she’d look at me sometimes, with that look in her eyes. I never thought she didn’t love me, but I felt somehow that I was hurting her. I felt bad for something I didn’t even know about ... until now.”

  “You need to stop this - right now. You weren’t the cause of her pain.” Cheryl reached for Chastity’s hands, and continued, “You were who she held on to - to keep her from pain. Kylie always said that you were the one thing she did right in her life! She loved you with all her heart from the day you were born! No matter how the circumstances brought you to her. You need to know that!”

  Chastity withdrew her hands, and drained her glass. “Fill it up again but this time just with wine, please. I’m getting a headache.”

  She pushed it toward Cheryl, who returned with a bottle of red wine and started pouring.

  “Okay sweetheart. Take your time with this one though.”

  She filled Chastity’s glass to the very top.

  “So did she confront … John?” Chastity couldn’t bring herself to call him father. “What happened to him?” She asked with disgust. “And why would she hold onto those newspaper clippings and journals if he attacked her?”

  “I’ll try to answer all your questions the best I can.”

  Cheryl leaned back into the couch and tucked her feet underneath her, unsure if she or Chastity were ready for any of this.

  “Kylie tried to confront him, but he was shipped off to military school before she could. She didn’t press charges or even tell anyone for that matter.”

  She looked to her young friend, trying to gauge how she was taking the news so far. Chastity was shell-shocked, but needed to hear the rest. She nodded to Cheryl, who continued.

  “And to answer your last question ... I think she held on to the good memories out of denial of the bad ones.”

  “So mom wanted to keep the innocent part of her, before the rape, close to her heart? So she wouldn’t have to face the incident itself?

  “I think so.” She nodded her head.

  “So, how do you heal if you don’t face what happened and move on? Not that moving on would be easy ... don’t get me wrong.”

  “Sweetheart, your mother had a lot of things happen all at once. Not too long after that, your grandfather, her father, passed away in a car accident, plus she was pregnant.” Cheryl continued softly, “…with you. She coped the best she could.”

  “Oh my gosh!” Chastity pulled her quilt tighter around her for comfort. “I knew that Grandpa Wayne passed away after mom’s graduation, but I never imagined she’d be going through all that at once. Poor mom!”

  She took a long sip of her wine and leaned forward.

  “So she kept it a secret that whole time? How did she handle it all?”

  Cheryl lifted her eyebrow, letting out a sigh. “She finally confided in me a couple of weeks after she was raped. At that time, she didn’t know she was pregnant yet. Up until then, she was pretty tight lipped about her date, and when she was at school she was pretty distant about everything. She wasn’t even remotely interested with graduation, which was just a couple of weeks away.”

  Cheryl sipped her wine, and continued, “At first I assumed John had rejected her, and she was upset over what was supposed to be her perfect night with John turning into a disappointing let down. It was much more than that though. I remember cornering her after school, on the way home. We sat down on the curb across from my house.”

  “What’d she say? How’d you get her to open up? You and I both know she’s not one for heart to hearts ... she clams up.” Chastity anxiously searched her eyes.

  “You’re right … she did try to clam up, but I didn’t let her get away with changing the subject. She tried to blame her depression on graduation. Kylie said it was about leaving all of her friends and missing her parents. I knew her and could tell when she was giving me a bunch of lines, so I called her on it. That’s when she got really quiet, which really scared me.”

  Cheryl gave Chastity a sad smile. “I tried to put my arms around her for reassurance, but she yanked away, like she’d been burned. Right then, in the pit of my stomach I knew someone had hurt her badly.”

  Cheryl learned the truth that warm summer afternoon, while they sat on the curb. Any one looking on would assume two best friends were in a deep conversation about boys or school. Everything in life at that age is so dramatic. No one would have suspected what the real dialogue was.

  Kylie divulged the truth, after two weeks of keeping every thing inside. She told her best friend the scariest truth she’d ever known. Cheryl would never forget that afternoon. After Kylie pulled away from her friend’s touch, she put her head in her arms and started to cry.

  “I had never seen your mother cry before.” She sadly smiled, in remembrance. “She was the girl that everyone always could rely on for a sunny smile.”

  “My mom? Had a sunny smile?” Chastity doubted what she’d heard.

  Cheryl reached out to grab her hand. “That’s right
Chaz. She did.”

  Chapter 8

  Kylie was emotionally spent. She was no longer the naive teenager she was a couple of weeks ago. What was supposed to be her first kiss, innocent and exciting, turned into something evil and controlling. She felt like she was in a fog that was choking the life out of her.

  While the rest of the world continued to go on, she was stuck in limbo, watching everyone go about their normal routines. Graduation was fast approaching, and her parents and friends were all so excited. She wanted to go about her normal life, but what was normal anymore? She had been robbed of something that was the most precious thing of all ... herself. She couldn’t pretend to be happy when she wasn’t, so she just withdrew from everyone ... except Cheryl.

  Cheryl was the only one in her life that stayed attached to her and wouldn’t let her slip inside her shell. She had told her friend this afternoon what happened, and it almost felt good to let it out and get some reassurance from someone that she wasn’t going crazy.

  She kept going over it in her mind. How could I have handled it differently? If I had slowed down sooner maybe it wouldn’t have happened. If only I hadn’t agreed to walk to the lawn chairs … If only I hadn’t initiated more kisses, If only ...

  As her mind trailed off, she found it hard to ignore the truth. It was my fault.

  The finality of it resounded through her mind. She left herself wide open for everything that happened; putting herself in a situation she had no control over. The harsh truth was something she couldn’t wrap her mind around.

  I can’t even think or say that word ... I was attacked. C'mon Kylie. It’s not going to make it any better to make light of it ... it was ... what it was – rape.

  John Mikale held her down on the overstuffed patio lounger, begging her as if his life depended on it. His voice held so much desperation that she was made to feel at fault for putting him in that position, and part of her still felt bad for hating him because of his angelic smile while he proceeded to rape her.

  “Please Kylie, please,” he pleaded with her, as if she held all the power.

  That’s a laugh, she sarcastically thought. Kylie responded in the only logical manner she knew how. She thought maybe if she tried to reason with him, he’d stop.

  “John, if I don’t do this, I lose you. If I do, I lose myself ... what kind of choice is that for me to make? Why?”

  She began struggling to get free. “Why are you doing this?” She demanded his attention. “Stop. Don’t do this! Please don’t do this!”

  In an instant, John transformed into someone she didn’t recognize, who continued to act on his impulses, as if she wasn’t even there. She was no longer a person with feelings. She was just an object for his release. He pulled her pants down far enough that they wouldn’t tear, but would still give him the access he needed. He held her down, took her virginity … even worse, he took her spirit. Kylie was broken on so many different layers that she felt beyond fixing.

  Afterwards, he helped her up and walked her to his car. Thankfully, she would get home after her parents had gone to sleep.

  At least he was courteous enough to drive me home, she thought furiously.

  Neither spoke on the way to her house. When he pulled up to her driveway, he actually said, “Thanks for tonight, Kylie.”

  It made her want to throw up. He’s thankful as if I’d given him something?

  She sat in disbelief, doubting herself. Maybe it wasn’t what I thought. Maybe I dreamt this all up. She stopped herself, Wait a minute... how could he have me questioning what happened? I said NO, how is this right?

  She threw the car door open, anxious to get away from him and his gratitude as fast as possible. There was no way she was going to offer a polite response or say goodnight.

  Kylie leapt from the car and ran inside, thankful to find the lights were out. She didn’t want to explain anything to her parents, in case they woke up and saw her in the hallway. She quietly tiptoed to her bathroom, turned the water on as hot as possible, and scrubbed the scent of magnolias and cologne from her skin.

  The morning after, Kylie went straight into denial mode repeating her newfound mantra.

  It didn’t happen. It didn’t happen. It didn’t happen.

  The harder she focused on those words, the more she could convince herself that it was all in her imagination, until she’d do something as simple as sitting on the kitchen chair, and be in so much pain, that there was no denying what had happened the night before. Everything hurt … physically and emotionally. Although there were no outside bruises to show the hell she’d been through, as he had been very careful to keep the physical strain in areas that wouldn’t show, she felt deeply wounded on every level.

  John kept most of the weight of his body over her, which made it easy to hold her down and intimidate her enough to keep her from wrestling free.

  I should have fought harder. It wasn’t as much physical as it was mental or emotional. I should have fought him ... why did I freeze up? She asked herself, remembering the fear that kept her prisoner.

  It didn’t happen. It didn’t happen. It didn’t happen.

  Chapter 9

  Cheryl snuck in to Chastity’s room, just before dawn, to turn off her alarm clock. She felt the crisp cool air sweeping in from her bedroom window, which would make for perfect morning for her best friend’s daughter to sleep in. She watched her breathing slowly, and was glad she could provide some more time for Chastity to be at peace.

  When she wakes up she’s going to have a lot to deal with.

  She tiptoed out of the room and quietly closed the door behind her. Cheryl made her way downstairs to finish cleaning the condo, in preparation to turn it back over to the landlord, who would be over to pick up the keys at the end of the day.

  I hope Chastity’s ready to go home on her own today. She’s going to have a lot more questions for me after she’s had some time to figure a few things out.

  She internally groaned. Kylie, my friend, I always said I would do anything for you, but I didn’t know this was part of the package. I don’t like being the one bearing all the bad news.

  She was dreading the conversations to come. As more time passed, Chastity was in store for a lot more shocking news, and she didn’t want to be the one to explain.

  As she finished running the sweeper, she heard her cell phone ringing from across the room. She ran to counter, and picked it up.

  “Hey, mom. What time does your flight come in today?”

  “Hey sweet pea. How’s my baby girl?” Cheryl felt her heart swell with the love she held for her teenage daughter.

  “I’m not a baby anymore ... I’m old enough to drive now,” Whitney reminded her.

  “I know. Trust me, I know all too well. I get the insurance bill each month,” she smarted back.

  “Very funny mom. Dad wanted me to double-check your flight info. He said he lost it, but not to tell you that part.”

  Cheryl listened to her daughter’s giggle and smiled.

  “Well, that’s reassuring. Got a pen?”

  “Yep, hit me. I'm ready.”

  Opening her planner, Cheryl pulled out her itinerary.

  “Okay, It’s American Airlines flight 114, and it arrives at 9 p.m.”

  “Got it. Dad and I will be driving outside near baggage claim. Just call us when you get in so we can park at the curb outside.”

  “It sure will be good to see you two. I miss you.”

  “I miss you too. Two weeks with dad is long enough. He’s driving me crazy,” Whitney complained.

  Cheryl imagined what it would have been like, for the two of them, fending for their meals, coming and going, and getting on each other’s nerves. With Dave’s shift, he’d probably never see Whitney unless he’d make the time, and even then he’d be too grouchy from lack of sleep.

  “I am sure you’re driving him crazy too.” Cheryl smiled, imagining keeping Whitney under curfew.

  “Hey ma, how you doing? Okay?”


  “I’m making it. For now, I am just worried about Chastity. She’s got it a lot worse off than me. Thanks for asking though. I love you.” She started to close her conversation down.

  “I love you too. Call me before your flight takes off. I’ll be praying for you. See you soon.”

  “See you soon, and say a few prayers for Chastity too.”

  Cheryl smiled as she hung up. She had the sweetest daughter in the world, and was blessed with a very understanding husband.

  Dave has always understood whenever she’d need to take off to where ever Kylie was, to help her in her moment of need.

  At least once or twice a year, she’d visit Kylie for a weeks at a time, to either help her move or for emotional support. Most men would resent Cheryl’s relationship with her friend, but not Dave. He always encouraged her to fly out when Kylie needed her. He felt protective of both Kylie and Chastity.

  It makes sense that he’d want them safe from the dangers of the Mikale family. After all, he is a police officer.

  Cheryl had attended University of Kansas, and majored in Psychology. She met Dave in her criminal psych class during her sophomore year. Both were prone to sit on the back row, and ended up study partners. It didn’t take long before they fell head over heels and became inseparable. She was either at his place, or he was at hers and Kylie’s apartment, twenty-four-seven. However, she never let him stay the night out of respect to her roommate.

  At first, Dave didn’t ask about Kylie’s situation. He knew she wasn’t attending college, but didn’t understand why someone would follow a friend to the University, especially with a child.

  It wasn’t until Kylie felt secure with Dave that Cheryl let him in on the whole truth about why her friend followed her to Kansas, to give birth to her child. By this point, he had become attached to Chastity, and took a protective brother role in Kylie’s life. This made him someone Kylie could trust, which she didn’t take lightly.

  After graduation, Cheryl married David Jenkins, and they moved back to Oklahoma. She always planned to open a private practice, but was too caught up in supporting Dave’s career or traveling to see Kylie, where or whenever she needed.