The Loss of Love and Truth

by R Kenneth Donaldson

  “Tell your boss that the next time he sends someone to kick my ass, he better make sure he gets somebody who can,” I said, kicking him in the ribs.

  I went home in pain. I had no idea that I was going to end up in a fight tonight. But it sure as hell felt good. I tum the key in the door to my condo and had to stop a minute. The punch to my face had really knocked the hell out of me. I wobbled my way upstairs into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Every inch of my face had swelled up to the size of a grapefruit. I turned the hot water on in the bath tub and put some Epson Salts in it. I undressed slowly, because my body was aching.

  Letting the water run in the tub, I went downstairs to get the bottle of wine I bought on my way home. When I got down to the kitchen, I decided I needed something a little stronger. I went to the cabinet and pulled out the liter of vodka. I poured myself half a mug full of vodka and went to the refrigerator and poured some orange juice to fill up the mug. I walk back upstairs with drink in hand. I slid into the tub slowly, letting the alcohol and hot water lull me into a deep sleep.

  The phone rings, waking me from a dream. I look at the clock in the bedroom and it was 4:37 in the morning.

  “Who the hell would be calling me this early in the morning?” I ask myself.

  By this time the water in the tub was cold, so I cautiously stand up, drape my robe around my naked body and walk into the bedroom. By the time I reach the phone, the ringing had stopped. Still feeling like shit, I pulled the covers back from my bed and stretched out across it. I laid there for awhile not thinking of anything, just looking at the ceiling. I slowly drifted off to sleep trying to put the past few days behind.

  By the time I wake, it is late in the morning. I try opening my eyes, but my left eye wouldn’t obey my mental request. The knock to my eye had left it swollen. Realizing that I overslept and was extremely late for the meeting with Minna I jumped up from the bed, but had to immediately lie back down. I finally was able to get a little stabilized. There was just no way I was going to be able to meet with Minna.

  I picked up the phone on the night stand beside my table and dialed her office number. “Williams, Goldstein and Marshall” Michelle cheerfully greeted.

  “Hi, Michelle, this is Trevor Morrows”

  “Mr. Morrows, where are you? Ms. Towsend has been asking me all day if I’ne heard from you.”

  “I know. Is she available now?”

  “Sure, I’ll patch you right through.”

  I heard a click and the sultry voice of Oleta Adam s cam e pouring over the line. “Trevor, is everything okay?” Minna asked.

  “Well, yes and no.”

  “Alright, out with it. You were supposed to meet with me two hours ago.”

  “Minna, look I’m sorry. I got myself into a little jam last night and I really don’t think that I could’ve made it even if I tried or wanted to.”

  “Are you okay? What happened? You didn’t do anything stupid to affect the case did you?”

  “Hold up Minna, damn. First, what I did last night had nothing to do with the case. Secondly, I had my fucking face smashed in by some oversized pitt-bull. So right now is not the time for the third degree.”

  “Look, Trevor, I apologize. That wasn’t very professional of me. Is there anything I cando?”

  “Yes, you can catch me up on your progress regarding my case.”

  “Well, I can definitely do that. But listen, I don’t have time right now. Why don’t we meet for dinner and we can discuss it then.”

  “Um, going out of this house is not what I want to do today. My eye looks like a golf ball on steroids.”

  “What the hell happened? No, never mind. I don’t want to know. Tell you what, I’ll bring over some Chinese food and you can fill me in on it later tonight. How does 7:00 sound?”

  “Sounds good. Be prepared for what you’re going to see. you have my address?”

  “Yes. And don’t worry, I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

  I mean, I really look bad. Do.

  “Oh, yeah, before you hang up-I thought you had your own law practice?” “I do. Why?”

  “Well, when I called, Michelle answered the phone with Williams, Goldstein and Marshall. I don’t get it.”

  “I know, not many people get it right away. I’ve found that it’s hard enough being a black attorney in New York. It’s even worse being a black female attorney. I figured it would be to my advantage to have it assumed that I was part of a partnership. And having a Jewish name in the firm’s monogram doesn’t hurt either.”

  “Hmm, that’s pretty smart. I guess I’m gonna have to keep you.” “Well, Trevor, right now you really don’t have much of a choice.”

  Minna proved to be punctual, arriving at exactly 7:00.

  “My word, who did this to you?” Minna cried looking at my face with concern. “It looks worse than it really is.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay? It looks like you need a doctor.”

  “Minna, I’m fine. Anyway, I thought you were my attorney, not my mother,” I return, smiling.

  “Okay, fine. I won’t say another word about it. Where shall I put the food?”

  “Right over on the kitchen divider. What’d you get anyway?”

  “Mu Shu Gai Pan, chicken and broccoli, shrimp fried rice and some shrimp rolls.” “Who are you planning on feeding, the New York Giants? I don’t eat that much.”

  “Who was talking about you? I just so happen to eat a lot, especially when I’m working.”

  We both sit down across from each other. Minna places her briefcase and folders on the counter beside the Chinese food.

  “Now how do you eat all this and manage to keep such a impressive figure?” “Well now, Mr. Morrows, I didn’t think you noticed.” She teased.

  “And why is that?” I said with my eyebrows raised.

  “Well you know. Because, you know… “ She stammers.

  “Come now, Minna, you can say it. Because…, say it with me, because I’m gay. And just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I can’t admire a woman’s figure, especially if she works hard at it. Or in your case eats hard at it.”

  “Very funny,” she says laughing. “Look I’m sorry. It’s just you don’t look gay at all.” “Well, that’s because being gay is not a look, Minna. You don’t look like an attorney.” “I get your point.”

  “Good, now let’s leave the rest of this conversation for later and get to work.”

  Minna updated me on what the DA’s office had while we ate.

  “Well, first off, I spoke with the assistant DA and even though they are trying to snag you on both murders, they really don’t have anything to go on. They tested the shell that took Raymond Johnson out and compared it to your gun and found they didn’t match. But, they want to know why were you there. And so do I.”

  “As I told the beat cop, I was investigating a case and had to question him.”

  “Wait a minute. I thought you told me that the case you were working on had to do with a cheating husband. How is Raymond connected?”

  “He’s not. Look, Minna, if I tell you this, you’ve got to keep everything confidential, because it involves someone on the force.”

  Minna drops her fork and looks at me with serious eyes.

  “Trevor, granted we haven’t worked together that long; but let me help you understand, I’m working for you so anything you tell me is just between you and me.”

  “Alright. John Langston, the head detective on the force at the 96th precinct used to be my partner when I was on the force.”

  “Yeah, okay. I remember that.”

  “Well, anyway, after Mitchell died in my house, I called John to help me keep it quiet.” “Trevor, you used to be a cop, why in the world would you try and cover it up, if you didn’t do it? It really looks as if you’re guilty.”

  “I wasn’t trying to cover it up because I felt I was guilty. There are some extenuating circumstances that you may not understand.”

  “Try me.”


  “Fine. Do you know who my father is?” “No, who?”

  “Stephen Anthony Morrows.”

  “You mean Supreme Court Judge Morrows? I knew your name sounded familiar. I have stood in front of him on many occasions.”

  “Yeah, well, not only is he a Supreme Court Judge, but now he’s planning on running for mayor. You know as well as I that the media would have a field day with all of this if they found out. So you can understand that I had to be discreet about all of this. But it seems the harder I try, the more shit I keep stepping into.”

  “I see.”

  “Well, anyway, like I was saying - I called John to help me keep it quiet, but it didn’t take the DA long to try to tie Mitchell’s death to the drug bust in Queens a few years back.

  And because I left the force soon after the money and drugs were missing from the bust, they assumed that I had something to do with it.”

  “I remember reading about Mitchell’s case. Wasn’t he let off with an easy sentence?” “Well, I did speak to my father, and I guess he called in a favor.”

  “You still haven’t told me why you went to see Raymond.”

  “I was getting to that. Raymond was part of that drug bust. As a matter of fact Raymond and Mitchell were the only two that got off scott free. Now, I know why Mitchell was let off light, but I’m not sure how Raymond was on the streets in less than a month. Come to think of it, that has always been his gift. We would bust his ass for dealing drugs and no sooner was he locked up than he was back out doing it again. I’d like to think he had a good lawyer, but I believe someone else is behind it.”

  “Let me ask you Trevor, who knew you were going to see Raymond?” I think for a minute.

  “No one but John. But I’m sure that who ever killed Raymond did it out of a bad drug deal. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

  “Well, I don’t know. If someone thought you were getting too close they may have thought Raymond was a liability.”

  “Well, I really can’t think of anyone who would try to do something like that.”

  “Anyway, we can try and figure out that one later. Right now, slide me over some of that chicken and broccoli.” Minna says. “Oh, and by the way…I have something for you.”

  Minna opens up her briefcase and pulls out my .38 revolver and hands it over to me. “How did you manage to get this from holding?” I ask, gripping the revolver as if it were a long lost treasure.

  “Well, I told the DA that you needed your gun for work purposes. And by the way your face looks, it looks like you need a little more than just this gun.”

  “I know. But if you think I look bad, you should see the other guy.”

  Chapter Seven

  Tears slowly roll down my face as I grip my mother’s hand tightly. My face was just about back to normal after my little brawl, but the tears were swelling my eyes right back up.

  Mitchell’s funeral was an intense event. Just like any other Baptist funeral, there were people “falling out, screaming and carrying on. It makes you wonder if the pastor hires actors for these funerals the way some of them were performing. I hope to God that when I die, my funeral won’t be as much of a spectacle as this one.

  The preacher droned on and on about how Mitchell was in a better place and how God has now forgiven Mitchell of all his earthly wrong-doings.

  “No wonder these wooden pews are so hard, it keeps the members from falling asleep.” I say to myself.

  I had almost decided against going. I had enough on my mind. I really didn’t need more emotional stress. But after a long talk with mother, and after she said that she would be there to comfort me, I felt that I could go after all.

  I kept telling myself that I was going to be strong; that I wasn’t going to cry. Now here I am slobbering like a big baby.

  “It’s okay, baby. Let it go.” My mother says, consoling me.

  Instantly after receiving my mother’s permission, the floodgates open. It got so bad, I had to get up and go to the bathroom, clearly showing everyone how deeply Mitchell meant to me.

  I was in the bathroom for about twenty minutes trying to regain what little composure I had. As I from the bathroom, I was stopped by Eugene Urbans.

  “How you holdin up son?” he asked.

  “Oh, I guess as well as can be expected.” I say with a weak smile. “Listen, Trevor, I know I haven’t treated you well. I, uh…. “

  “You really don’t have to say it, Mr. Urbans.”

  “No, I think I do. I, uh, I owe you an apology. Mitchell evidently cared for you a lot and I want to thank you for being there and for helping him when he was in trouble. It really means a lot to me.” Eugene couldn’t finish as he starts to choke up.

  “It’s okay, Mr. Urbans. I understand how you feel. Why don’t I walk you back to your Seat?”

  The rest of the service was pretty mundane. I refused to view the body. I didn’t see the point of dredging up any more of the pain that it would bring.

  The congregation then proceeded to the grave site, where everyone could say their last good-byes.

  The sun shone brightly at the grave site as we all bid a final farewell to Mitchell.

  Wearing dark sunglasses, I shed the remainder of my tears and placed a rose on the bed of dirt that Mitchell will sleep in for eternity. After hugging and giving a few words of encouragement to the Urbans family, my mother and I headed towards her burgundy Lincoln Continental.

  “Trevor, are you going to be okay?” she asks with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on my knee.

  “What? Oh, I’m sorry, mom. I was just deep in thought.” “I can see that. I know you’re going to miss him.”

  “Yeah, I guess I am. But you know the most depressing part about all of this?” “No, what?”

  “It may sound really selfish, but I really feel alone and empty.”

  “Even after you two split up over two years ago?”

  “Yeah I know it sounds silly. But you know how you’ve always tried to instill in me the value of family? Ever since I admitted to myself that I am gay, I kind of gave up on the thought of having that traditional family thing. But when I got involved with Mitchell that changed. In some warped way, I thought I could establish some of that family atmosphere with him. I even had dreams of adoption with him. I mean, before I met Mitchell, I didn’t believe that it was possible to have a lifetime gay relationship. I didn’t think I could ever be with someone forever. And now that Mitchell is out of my life, literally, I just don’t see myself with anyone and it hurts like hell.”

  “Baby, I know it hurts, but you’ve got to realize, son, that you are a beautiful, intelligent, strong, black man. You’re compassionate, easy-going, and lovable. Anyone, would be lucky to spend the rest of their lives with you.”

  “Mom, I appreciate that. But I’ve been out there and there is a shortage of decent men, whether they’re straight or gay. You would think that gay men would have a little more insight on how to treat each other, but unfortunately that just ain’t so. I don’t know, maybe I’m just babbling. I really loved Mitchell and I suppose I still love him. Even after we broke up, I still felt that there could’ve been some type of reconciliation, though my mind wouldn’t let me and I knew better. But now, what am I gonna do? I refuse to go through this again.”

  “Trevor, let me tell you what your grandmother once told me: When you‘re faced with a brick wall, and you feel there is no way around it, don’t use up all your energy trying to tear it down. You’ve got to sit back and relax, clear your head; just forget about it.

  Before you know it, the wall will disappear. Lord knows your grandmother could be mysterious at times, but what she says is true. What you’re doing right now is worrying and fretting over something you have no control over. You have no idea what the future is going to bring. So instead of beating yourself up over it, take a break, just chill out, leave it alone. And you will find that your brick wall will disappear.”

  “Hmm, I guess you�
��re right. You know, mom, I really don’t deserve you.”

  “Yes, you do. You are my son and that alone is enough for you to be worthy of me and everything I have to offer.”

  We continue the rest of the ride in silence. I was trying to decide on whether or not to tell her about the problems I was having with being arrested and all. But I figured now was not the time. I decided to wait for until I was more emotionally stable.

  Mother parked right next to my jeep. I get out of the car and start to walk towards it. “Aren’t you going to stop in to say hello to your father?”

  “Naw, could you do it for me and let him know I’ll see him next week?”

  “So, you are coming. Who are you bringing?”

  I think for a minute. “I really didn’t plan on bringing anyone, but now that you mention it, I do have someone in mind.”

  “Who, Marcus? I haven’t seen that boy in ages.” “No, but believe me it’ll be a big surprise.”

  “Oh, I see. I hope this surprise doesn’t put your father in a hospital bed,” she laughs.

  “No it won’t, but it will definitely drop his mouth.”

  “Alright, Puppy. Where are you off to now, the Urban’s house?” “No, I think I’ll just go on home and take a nap or something.” “Alright, but do me a favor…. “

  “Sure, what is it.”

  “Promise me you won’t drink too much? It really isn’t you, Trevor. And it bothers me that you drink so much when you’re under pressure.”

  “Mom, I know and I promise. I won’t have a sip of alcohol.”

  It was almost as if she read my mind. I had already made up my mind that I was going to polish off the rest of the vodka and just collapse for the remainder of the day and night. I didn’t really lie. I don’t have any plans on sipping, more like gulping. All I wanted to do right now was block out the whole day. The whole day? Hell, my whole life.

  When I finally got home, I had a visitor in the parking lot. Reggie was sitting in his black Ford Bronco with his head back listening to R. Kelley’s “I Don’t See Nothing Wrong With A Little Bump And Grind.”