The Loss of Love and Truth

by R Kenneth Donaldson

  “Oh, you finally found someone who can afford you huh?” “Now, Trevor, there’s no need to be jealous.”

  “Kasha, please. Believe me when I tell you I couldn’t be happier, but I’m not with you, so you can stop trying to impress me. Because I’m not impressed.”

  “Trevor, why do you have to be so mean?” she says pouting. “Kasha, I’m not trying…,” I began, but I was interrupted by Minna.

  “Trevor, thank goodness. Senator Adams can be a little long winded,” Minna said walking towards us.

  Kasha immediately shoulders her way in front of me and introduces herself.

  “Well, you must be the girl who came with Trevor. My name’s Kasha and yours?”

  “It’s Minna and it’s been a very long time since I was called a girl. So let me thank you for that compliment.”

  The two of them give each other a weak hand shake and fake smiles. If the air in here were any thicker I think I could have choked.

  “I’m sorry that I left you out here by yourself Minna. I just wanted to say hello to Laverne…,” I started and just like always Kasha interrupted me.

  “And we were just catching up on old times,” she said, giving Minna an icy stare.

  I quickly slid my arm out of Kasha’s and said, “Kasha, you know, I would really love to meet your fiancée. Where is he?”

  “Oh, he’s around here somewhere.” She said still looking at Minna.

  “Like I said, Kasha, I would really like to meet him. Why don’t you go find him and introduce us?”

  “Okay, I’ll be right back.” She said before turning on her heels to look for her man.

  “What’s her issue?” Minna asked.

  “Don’t pay Kasha no mind. We used to be engaged. So I’m sure she’s just mad because she thinks you’re getting something she wants and couldn’t get.”

  “And that would be…,” she said laughing. “All of this.” I said smiling.

  “Oh I see. Well let me go ahead and ease girlfriends’ fears.” “No, no. Do me a favor would you?”

  “What?”

  “If you’re game, let’s have some fun. Ms. Kasha thinks she’s all that because of her boring ass fiancé. But, I know Kasha. She’s gonna be stank because you’re with me, so let’s play around and give her a headache.”

  “Boy, I like the way your mind spins. I owe girlfriend anyway for being so shady.”

  Kasha walks back towards where Minna and I are standing with this high-yellow, nerd of man on her arm. Kasha was holding him so tightly you would think she was afraid that he would fly away or something. If the brother knew what I knew, he’d sprout some wings and fast.

  “Trevor, this is my fiancé, Cornelius.”

  “Hi, nice to meet you.” I said shaking his hand. I don’t know what this brother was drinking, but it was alot. I could smell the alcohol on his breath from ten paces away. “Charmed, I’m sure.” He said slovenly. Cornelius then whispered loudly in Kasha’s ear. Apparently, it wasn’t meant for anyone else to hear, but the man was obviously tipsy.

  “He doesn’t look gay.” he said louder than he intended. “Excuse me?” I asked.

  “Cornelius!!” Kasha exclaimed. “You’ll have to excuse him, he can’t handle his liquor.” I gave Kasha small smile. “Oh no, let him continue.”. I look towards Cornelius “And what does being gay look like? I’m just, you know, curious to know if a man with your education can still have a scent of ignorance about him.”

  “Well you know, you don’t act like…,” Cornelius began.

  “Let me stop you now before you plow your foot further down your throat. No, I do not finger-pop, sashay, walk a runway, roll my eyes, hey girl this or hey girl that. But I am gay. And if you think that makes me less of a man because I am gay, all you need to do is ask your fiancé. I’m sure she’ll tell you that this gay man knows how to make her scream. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to introduce my date to my father.”

  I took Minna by the hand leaving both Kasha and Cornelius dumbfounded and mouths open.

  “Well, I guess you told them,” Minna said smiling.

  “I’m sorry about that, but I just get so pissed off with people like that.” “Don’t apologize. Just remind to never get on your bad side.”

  I grabbed two glasses of wine from one of the waiters and handed one to Minna. In mid• sip a familiar voice made me cough.

  “Mr. Morrows, good evening.” Matthew Lirday said.

  I quickly turned around. “Good evening, Matthew. What brings you here?” I ask. “My father’s a little under the weather, so he wanted me to come in his place.”

  “That’s right, your father’s Judge Lirday isn’t he? Oh excuse me, where are my manners.

  Matthew, this is my friend Minna. Minna, this is Matthew Lirday. He’s a detective on the police force and his father is Judge Lirday”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet such a beautiful lady,” Matthew said, taking Minna’s hand to his lips.

  “Thank you, Matthew. Are all of you detectives this charming?” Minna says grinning. “No.” I answer. “Only those whose fathers happen to be judges.”

  “So, Mr. Morrows, I understand the charges against you have been dropped.”

  “First, Matthew, the only Mr. Morrows in this house is my father. Please call me Trevor.”

  “Okay, Trevor. Are congratulations due?”

  “Not necessarily. There is still a murderer out there and I need to find out who’s responsible.”

  “Shouldn’t you leave that to the authorities?”

  “No offense to you, Matthew, but if I were to do that, I’ll never find out who did it. Not to say that the police don’t do their jobs well. It’s just that as an· ex-cop, I know what you guys have to deal with and I’m sure this case will probably be lost in the midst of the other cases.”

  “Well, I’m a little confused. Detective Langston made it clear to me that you were his first priority. He didn’t want anyone involved in it, not even me.”

  “Well, I thought the only reason John took you off the case was because you had a problem with homosexuals.”

  “What?” Matthew exclaimed. “Where did you get an idea like that?”

  “From John himself. As a matter of fact his exact words were that you were making snide remarks about how you hated faggots, and other bigotry to some guys in the lockeroom. He felt that with that type of prejudice could taint your view on the case.” “Trevor, let me help you understand something. I do not have anything against gay people. As a matter of fact my…,” Matthew started.

  “Some of your best friends are gay. Yeah, yeah I heard that before,” I say interrupting him.

  “If you would let me finish: I was going to say, my brother happens to be gay. And I have always accepted him for him. I don’t judge people in any manner. As far as what Detective Langston told you, I haven’t the slightest as to why he would say something like that. Because it’s absolutely not true.”

  “Unless, he wanted to give Trevor a reason to throw doubt away from himself. And make him look like he was on Trevor’s side.” Minna pointed in.

  “What does that mean?” I ask.

  “Don’t you get it, Trevor? John knew when and where you were when Raymond got shot. He knew you were involved with Mitchell. And if someone, like Matthew, were to dig up some dirt about the case, they may find that John could be deeply involved.”

  “I don’t know, Minna. I thought the same thing too. But, I can’t believe John would do this to me. We are just too close.”

  “Trevor, money can change people,” Minna added.

  “I know, I know. But it’s just so hard to believe that John could be involved. Anyway, let’s leave this topic for another time. I don’t need my father or anyone else at this party hearing about this.”

  “Hearing about what?” Came a voice directly from behind us.

  I quickly turned around to face my father. As always, the man was flawlessly dressed and looking very distinguished. I hope, as his son, that
I will look this good when I reach his age.

  “Nothing important, dad,” I quickly answered.

  “Well, son you look quite dapper this evening. Do I owe a debt of thanks to this young lady for dragging my son here this evening?”

  “Actually Judge Morrows, Trevor asked me to escort him,” Minna replied, placing her arm around mine.

  “I see,” he answered with his eyebrows raised.

  “Dad, this is Minna Towsend.”

  “Yes, I do believe I’ve had the pleasure of having you serve in my courtroom once or twice.”

  “Yes, sir, you have.”

  “And have you met Matthew Lirday?” I asked.

  “Yes, your father is one helluva judge. We actually went to law school together. I’m sorry that he’s ill. Tell him I asked about him, will you?”

  “I sure will, sir.”

  “Now, if you two would be so kind as to excuse me and my son, I’d like to speak with him before dinner.”

  “Certainly,” Minna and Matthew said simultaneously.

  Aw shit. What did this man want from me now? Whatever it was, I’m going to remain cool and collected. I’m not going to let him get to me tonight.

  I grabbed another glass of wine from one of the waiters as my father and I walk through the living room and out on the patio.

  The patio was barely lit with five chairs and a table positioned on it. My father sat down with his cigar and pointed to another chair opposite him.

  “So, son, you look well,” he began. “Thanks, so do you.”

  “Well, I’m very glad you came. It’s been quite awhile since we’ve seen each other,” he continued between puffs of his cigars.

  “Yeah, I know. I guess I’ve been kinda busy.”

  “Even for your own family? That’s not how I raised you.”

  I wanted to say, “That’s just it. You didn’t raise me. I was only proof of your manhood.” But I was cool.

  “A lot of things have been going on in my life.” “That’s no excuse.”

  “Well, what do you want to hear dad? That I’m a terrible son? That I don’t come to visit? That I don’t call? Well it’s not like you’ve given me any reason to.”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “Look dad, do we have to go through this? Fighting with you is not the highest on my list of favorite things to do.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m very disappointed that you didn’t come to me when you got arrested.”

  My eyes bulged and my mouth dropped. How the hell did he find out about that? I made sure that everything was kept as quiet as possible. Oh fuck, no wonder he’s in a mood.

  I took a couple of sips of wine. I grew silent, taking a few minutes to figure what to say next. I began with,

  “How did you find out about that?”

  “Captain Jamesway told me. But that’s not the point, son. Why didn’t you come to me Trevor?”

  “Dad, for two reasons: One, I’m tired of coming to you when I’m in trouble. I mean, I’m 30 years old and up until recently, I’ve always lived in your shadow. I had to constantly watch what I did for fear it may affect your reputation. And it’s your reputation that I was trying to protect. If it got out that your gay son was arrested on murder charges, how would it look when you ran for office?”

  “Fortunately, Captain Jamesway owes me a favor, so it won’t get out. But, I’m not the issue here Trevor, you are. I wish you would stop pushing it in my face that you’re gay.”

  “Why, dad, because it makes you uncomfortable?”

  “No, Trevor…well, in the beginning it did, but I’ve gotten used to it. You act like being gay describes all of you. It’s just apart of you. Why must you always have it in the forefront?”

  “Excuse me? Dad, I don’t always bring it to the forefront. It’s those who have a problem with my being gay that bring it to the forefront. All I’m doing and all I have been doing is defending myself. Do you know what it’s like to constantly try to defend yourself?

  Look, dad, I don’t give a damn who has a problem with it. And you’re right, the fact that I’m gay is only a part of me. A small part of me. But, it is a part of me. And if you or anyone else doesn’t or can’t except or respect that, then you neither except or respect me.”

  I take a quick breath.

  “Well, I think I’ve said enough. I’ll just get off my soapbox.”

  “Son, I didn’t mean to upset you. All I want is what’s best for you.”

  “Dad, I appreciate that. But, as your son, you know that I’m not going to accept anything unless it’s the best.”

  We then slip into silence. Two minutes later my mother walks in through the glass doors onto the porch.

  “Well, I’m glad there are no casualties out here,” my mother says jokingly.

  “We were just doing some catching up, Elizabeth,” my father says, getting up from his chair. He kisses her on the forehead.

  “Well, you’re neglecting your guests and dinner is about to be served, so let’s go into the dining room.”

  The three of us walk into the house towards the dining room. I can see Minna in the middle of a conversation with Kasha. I knew I would have to put out yet another fire so I walk towards the both of them and catch the tail end of the conversation.

  “Oh I already knew he was gay.” Minna says “And that doesn’t bother you?” Kasha asks. “No, why should it?”

  “I don’t know, it bothered me knowing that he has sex with men.”

  “Well you see that the difference between you and I. It takes a strong woman who’s secure in herself to handle a man like Trevor.”

  On that note I walked up behind Minna and place my arms around her waist. “Excuse me, Kasha, may I steal Minna away? It’s time for dinner”

  Walking towards the dining area, I whispered in Minna’s ear. “What was that all about?”

  “Just playing my role.”

  “Well, then, update me,” I said pulling out her chair at the table.

  “Evidently, sister girl still wants you bad, because she tried to bad mouth you to me. So whenever she said anything negative, I made sure I let her know that there’s nothing she can say that’s going to change the way I feel about my honey bunny. Believe me the girl is green with envy.”

  “You know what’ll make her head spin?” “No, what?”

  “If we feed each other.”

  We both laughed.

  The rest of the evening went smoothly. Minna and I played our little soap opera to the hilt. I could see the fire in Kasha’s eyes when Minna fed me some of her desert.

  On the ride to Minna’s apartment, we laughed as we replayed the night’s events. I really didn’t think it was going to be this much fun.

  I pulled up in front of her building and parked.

  “So, did you make any business contacts at all tonight?” I asked.

  “Actually I did make quite a few. I really do need to thank you. I had a great time.” “No, it was my pleasure. I don’t think I’ve had this much fun in a long time.”

  “Well, Ms. Kasha gave us plenty of material. May I ask you a personal question?” “Sure, shoot.”

  “How long have you known you were gay?”

  “I guess for most of my life. It’s not something that happens overnight.” “So you knew when you were engaged with Kasha?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why get engaged?”

  “Well, I was honestly in love with Kasha. I thought maybe I would either grow out of it or being with Kasha would change me. I know I hurt Kasha and everyone else. I mean, I was called selfish and the whole bit. But, I wasn’t going to get married and then follow on those feelings afterwards. That isn’t me. Once I’ve made the commitment to someone, I stick to it. I knew the strong feelings I had wouldn’t just go away, so I canceled the engagement.”

  “Well, I have to admire you for that.”

  “It really isn’t anything to admire. It was the right thing to do.”

  “I kn
ow, but I’m sure anyone else in your position would have buckled under the pressure from Kasha and your family. And by the way Kasha was acting tonight, I can see how she could’ve been a handful.”

  “You ain’t said nuttin there. But you know what really ticks me off?” “No, what?”

  “Well, it’s just that people in general seem to think that this was all just a choice.?”

  “It is, isn’t it?”

  “Think about it Minna. Why would any gay person, yet alone a gay black male like myself, want to choose this lifestyle. It’s hard enough being black in America with the bigotry and hatred from different races, but as a black gay male I have to contend with that and also my family and my community. I know most of it is out of ignorance. And I learned a long time ago that ignorance has the letters i-g-n-o-r in it, so that’s what I’ve had to do, ignore it. But, believe me, if there was a choice in the matter, I would choose to be straight. No, no, I take that back. Because if I were straight, I wouldn’t be the person that I am today.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I don’t know, but I just feel that as a gay male, I’m more sensitive to people. I try to empathize with their problems. I try to picture myself in their shoes. I can relate to women more freely than a straight man.”

  “So you’re saying if you were straight, you wouldn’t be like this?”

  “I don’t know. I’m sure there are some straight brothers who are in touch with their feminine side. But you and I both know that there is a shortage. I mean I have the same problems women have with men.”

  “Ho, ho, I don’t know if I’m ready to hear this.”

  “That’s cool. I’ve said enough anyway. But, you’ll come around.” “How can you be so sure?”

  “Well, if we’re going to be working together, we’re bound to have this conversation again.”

  “Trevor, I like you. I think you’re a very passionate, gifted man. But this may take some time getting used to.”

  “No problem if you’re the open-minded person that I think you are; you may not understand it fully, but you’ll come to realize that there’s more to being gay than the stereotype.”