The Loss of Love and Truth

by R Kenneth Donaldson

  “And what if I wanna find out for myself.”

  “Now see, I told you there are a few things I can’t handle. But, I don’t think you can handle this.”

  “Oh, I think I can manage it.”

  Arnold leaned over to me and placed his lips softly on mine. At first I was extremely hesitant, but gradually my tense lips surrendered under his lips. The kiss wasn’t very long, but it did raise my temperature. Arnold pulled back slowly and smiled down at me.

  “Well, I guess you were right.”

  I touched my lips gently and looked away.

  “Come on why don’t we sit down and talk.” Arnold said leading me by the hand towards the chairs.

  “What do you want to talk about?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I just want to know more about you.” “There’s really not much to tell.”

  “Yeah right. I’m sure you have plenty of skeletons in your closet.” “Well, you’re right about that. I think I have about a cemetery full.” “Well then, I’m all ears.”

  For the next two hours, all we did was talk. I shared with him a few things about me. Of course, I couldn’t go into details with a lot, because homeboy would’ve probably ran out the door. He also shared something’s with me also. He has a little boy, which he sees everyday. He goes to school during the mornings, that’s why he works at night. And as much as I didn’t want to be involved with anyone at this time, he was making it harder for me to resist.

  I guess around two o’clock Marcus walks through the sliding door to the patio with a huge smile on his face.

  “Have ya’ll been out here all this time?”

  I quickly got up from my seat. “Yeah, what have you been doing?” I asked, looking at him suspiciously.”

  “Trevor, you’re missing a fierce party.” He said and then he whispered. “And Chile, I think Mike likes me. Don’t worry about taking me home.” “Are you serious?”

  “As serious as a heart attack.”

  “With that in mind, I hope your fast ass is gonna be careful.. And what about Isaac?” “What about Isaac? I don’t see him here, do you? Shit, what he don’t know may hurt him, but I’m not even thinking about that knuckle head right now. Enough about me, so what’s up with you two?”

  “We’re just talking. I’m not a tramp like some people I know.”

  “Like mama always said, “If I gotta be a tramp, I’m gonna be the best tramp I can be.”

  “Okay!! I said as we both give each hi-five’s. “Well, I think I’m gonna call it a night. I think I’ll get some religion in the morning.”

  “Honey, say a prayer for me. ‘Cause I’ll be sinnin’ tonight.” Marcus said laughing.

  I walked back over to where Arnold was sitting as Marcus went back to the party. “Hey, it’s gettin’ late. I think I’m a head on out.” I said.

  “Are we still on for tomorrow?”

  “Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Around what time?” “How about two. Um, can I ask you something?” “Yeah sure.”

  “Would you mind if I walked you to your car?”

  I smiled. “Well alright brotha’,” I said to myself. Then I said to him, “That sounds great.”

  We both made our way through the still crowded apartment and started towards the elevators. As we rode the elevator down to the lobby, we didn’t say a word. Arnold followed me to my car and I slowly unlocked the door.

  “I actually had a good time.” I said smiling. “What, you had doubts or something?” he asked. “Well, yeah, kind of.”

  “See, I’m not so bad to be around.” “No you’re not.”

  An awkward silence fills the air as I know Arnold was wondering whether he should try and kiss me again.

  “Are we going to meet somewhere or are you going to pick me up?” I asked trying to break the silence.

  “I can pick you up, but I don’t have your address or directions to your house.”

  I turned and opened the door to the jeep and went through the glove compartment for a pen and paper. I then jotted down the information and handed it to Arnold.

  “Okay, then I’ll see you around two o’clock.” Arnold said. “Alrighty then.” I said and turned to get into my car.

  At that point, Arnold grabbed me by my waist and turn ed me around. He placed his lips on mine. This kiss, a little more intense than the first, was full of passion. And unlike the first kiss, I was more at ease, almost welcoming. But, just when I felt his tongue begin to invade my mouth, I carefully backed away from him.

  “Save some for later.” I said, trying to hide the fact that I was getting heated. “I’m sorry. I got a little carried away. Um, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

  I got in my jeep and started it up. “Yes you will.” I said and backed out of the parking space.

  On the way home, I was totally surprised at what I was feeling. The same feelings that I was fighting were creeping all around me. And the worse part was, I was beginning to like it. I smiled all the way home.

  Chapter Eleven

  The clatter of the restaurant kept me entertained as I waited at the bar for Arnold. I decided that it would be best if we met at the restaurant of his choosing instead of having him pick me up. I didn’t know him well enough for him to come to my home.

  As I sip on my glass of White Zinfandel, I notice the people in the restaurant, all seemingly having a good time, without a care in the world.

  For the sixth time in the past hour I looked at my watch. He was thirty minutes late and I was on my second glass. Arnold had fifteen minutes before I placed my feet off the stool and headed out the door. I would give him my customary courtesy of a forty-five minute wait period and that was it.

  The little time I had waiting for Arnold, I had time to think. Wondering if I should open myself up again. My heart and my pride were already beaten up enough, and here comes this guy who seems to be genuinely interested. “Well, whatever I decide.” I say to myself. “I’m going to take it slow. Probably slower than he wants, but it’s not about him.

  It’s about me.”

  Just when I felt that I waited long enough, I began to stand and then Arnold comes walking through the doors of the restaurant with a huge smile on his face. Looking totally different than he did the night before, sporting a pair of beige dress slacks, a black crew knit shirt and a black blazer. I was impressed. As he made his way towards me I stood up from the bar and gave him a short quick smile.

  “I’m sorry I’m late, Trevor. But my son was sick this morning.” Arnold started.

  “That’s okay. You had about another two more minutes and I was about to leave,” I said with a smile.

  “Oh, it’s like that?”

  “Yep, like that. But don’t take it personally. I give everyone at the most forty-five minutes. I feel that if someone is late, it’s because of an emergency or they’re just being plain inconsiderate. In either case, forty-five minutes is long enough to wait.”

  “I understand that.” Arnold quickly looks towards the host stand, “Let me go see if our table is ready,” Arnold said before walking over to the maitre d.

  As he spoke briefly to the maitre d, he turned towards my direction and motioned for me to follow. The ma tre d sat the both of us in a small booth away from the noise of the crowd.

  “Your waiter will be with you momentarily,” the maitre d informed us. “Thank you,” we both said simultaneously.

  “So,” Arnold began with a smile, “Did you really enjoy yourself last night?” “Yes, I did, even though I didn’t really get the chance to meet many people.” “Well maybe I wanted to keep you all to myself.”

  “Hmmm, anyway so how is your son?”

  “Oh, that was real subtle. I take it you want to change the subject?” Arnold said laughing.

  “Yeah, you’re beginning to embarrass me.” I said with a hint of sarcasm.

  “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. He’s doing better. It wasn’t anything life threatening, but I always want to be there for my boy no matter what.
”

  “I can see you really love him. May I ask you a personal question?” “I don’t know. It depends.”

  “You don’t have to answer it. I’m just being nosy. It’s my nature. Are you married?” Arnold laughs a little.

  “Now, if I were married, would I be sitting here with you?” he asked.

  “Believe me, my brother, being married hasn’t stopped people before,” I laughed.

  “Even if I were married, brother as fine as you are, I can see how someone like me could be tempted.”

  “There you go again.”

  “Look, Trevor, I’m sorry. I just can’t help myself.”

  “Well, you’re gonna have to if we’re going to continue this conversation,” I said sternly. “Damn, you won’t cut a brother a break will you? Alright, I’ll try. To answer your question, no, I’m not married. But I am divorced. Does that bother you?”

  “Now why would that bother me? We haven’t gotten into anything for it to bother me.” “Well, I’m hoping to rectify that.”

  “Anyway. How old is your son?” “He’s two and half.”

  “What’s his name?” “Adam.”

  “Well, how long have you been divorced?” “About a year?”

  “Does she know…you know.”

  “She knows that I like men and women. And she’s pretty cool with it. We talked a long time about it and we decided that the best thing for us was to break up.”

  “How long had you two been married?”

  “About five years. The last two were bad, because the feelings to be with a guy were too strong. But Cheryl and I had a very open relationship. We shared everything with each other, so one day I came out and told her.”

  “How did she react.”

  “Of course she was furious. The woman went through many changes. Which to be fair, she had every right to. She went from blaming me to blaming herself and in the end she tried everything in her power to change me from being bi, but after she realized that there was nothing that she could do, she basically stood by me and was very supportive.” “Wow, she’s a strong woman. Not many black women would tolerate it. I know that first hand.”

  At that moment, the waiter stopped by our table and took our order. I ordered the baked chicken with steamed vegetables and Arnold ordered a steak, cooked medium well and a baked potato.

  Arnold continued to fill me in on his life until the waiter came with our lunch. “Enough about me,” Arnold said chewing. “Tell me about you.”

  “Well, what is it you would like to know?” I said, as I sipped on my glass of water.

  “I don’t know, like why is it that a fine thing like you is still unattached?”

  “Probably because I haven’t met anyone worth being attached to. I mean I’ve met a lot of guys, but they’re usually so full of shit, I only wind up wasting my time. I don’t know, I guess my standards are a bit too high.”

  “That’s the only way to have them. What were you doing before you opened your detective agency?”

  “I used to be a cop for the New York Police Department.” “Oh, really? For how long?”

  “Seven years.” “Why’d you quit?”

  I hesitated a little, bringing me back to my own reality. I guess I must have paused a little longer than I thought, because Arnold interrupted my thoughts.

  “Trevor, are you okay?”

  “I’m sorry. Talking about the force is a touchy subject. There were some circumstances that involved my ex-lover and I felt it best that I quit.”

  “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Thanks. Anyway, I graduated from NYU with a degree in Criminal Law. I was supposed to follow in my father’s footsteps and become a lawyer, but I wanted to strike out on my own.”

  We both continued to share with each other about our lives. The meal was good and the conversation was even better. Arnold seems to be a intelligent young man. Very mature for his age even though, at 27, he wasn’t that much younger than me at twenty-seven.

  But, I had to watch myself. I know I could probably fall for this guy. He was saying all the right things, making all the right moves, but in the back of my mind, I knew I couldn’t get involved. I had way too much shit on my plate right now. Having a romantic relationship was the last thing I needed. A man in my life would only complicate things further. Anyway how could I possibly explain the complex hell I live in and call my life.

  At the end of our early dinner, we both walked outside towards our vehicles. “So, where are you off to now?” he asks.

  “I need to be getting home and take care of somethings.” “Could I persuade you into going for a ride with me?”

  “That’s sounds really nice, but I think I should be going home. Maybe next time.” “Okay, but I’m going to hold you to that.”

  I started forward to shake his hand. As he grabbed my hand, he quickly used it to pull me closer for a bear hug. I was a little uncomfortable hugging this man in the middle of the street, but that uneasiness rapidly left as I felt the warmth of his body quickly spread over mine. He leaned in even closer and whispered in my ear.

  “I hope we can take this to another level.”

  As he slowly released me from his embrace I looked at him and smiled. “Who knows?” I said.

  I walked towards my jeep and turn ed around as I get to the front bumper. He was still there, looking and smiling.

  Oh boy, what if I can’t do this? What if I can’t open enough to let anyone else in? I don’t want to hurt this boy. But, I’m going to go through the same bullshit I went through with Mitchell. What the hell am I going to do? Lord knows I didn’t ask for this.

  “I really don’t want to get involved with anyone.” I kept telling myself over and over again.

  But the more I kept trying to fight the feeling, the more I kept feeling myself falling deeper and deeper into the emotional abyss.

  “Watch yourself, Trevor.” I say out loud “Watch yourself.”

  The next day I went into the office a little earlier than usual. I felt that day was going to be the day to close some chapters in my life. Number one being Mitchell’s murder. I had a pretty good idea who was involved, but before I came out with it, I needed some hard evidence. And for that, I would need some help.

  When I went into the offices, there was no one in. I went into my office and shut the door. In the bag I brought with me, were the letters and Mitchell’s beeper. The day after I found the beeper under my sofa and after I cleared my head from my hangover, I discovered that the numbers on the pager were all date and time stamped. And a number that repeatedly showed up was placed on the night Mitchell died. I picked up the telephone to call one of my friends who worked for the telephone company.

  Philip has helped me many of times when I needed to trace a telephone number. Even though we both knew if he got caught he would be deep trouble, he was more than willing to help me. The reason Philip was so willing was because Philip liked me. And I knew it. And with that knowledge I did kind of lead him on. I knew it was wrong, but sometimes you need to use what you got to get what you want.

  “Hey, what’s up, Philip, it’s Trevor.” I said when he answered the phone.

  Immediately, Philip’s voice changed from the tired and monotone way he answered the phone to exuberant and full of life.

  “Trevor, h-hi. Long time no hear from. I thought you forgot about me.”

  “Now, Philip, why would I ever forget you?” I could have gagged on those words as I said them.

  Then, as if he knew my real purpose for calling Philip’s attitude changed. “You must want something again, huh?” He said disappointedly.

  “Why do you have to say it like that?” I said innocently.

  “Because the only time you call is when you want something.” “Come on Philip, you know that’s not true.”

  “So you’re telling me that you’re not calling for a favor.”

  “I didn’t say that.” I say laughing. “Alright, what is it this time?”<
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  “Well, if you wouldn’t mind. Could you please trace a number for me.” “Trevor, do you know how much trouble I could get into?”

  “Yes I do. But you would be doing me a huge favor, one I won’t forget.”

  “Okay fine, but you owe me one. Let me call you back in thirty minutes.” “Thanks so much Philip. You’re a real sweetheart.”

  “I know and don’t you ever forget it.”

  Exactly thirty minutes pass by when the phone rings. I quickly pick up the phone. “Trevor?” Philip questioned.

  “Yeah. What did you find, Philip?”

  “The number belongs to a cellular phone. It took some digging, but I was able to find that the owner of the phone is a Richard Jameson.”

  I grew extremely quiet. Then my suspicions were correct. “Trevor? Are you there?” Philip asked.

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry, Philip. Thanks so much for your help. I owe you big time.

  How ‘bout dinner some time?”

  “That sounds fantastic. But you better make good on that dinner, Trevor.” “Come on, baby, I always come through.”

  “Hm hm. Anyway I need to go. Talk to you soon.”

  I put the phone down and looked at the clock. It was nine fifteen. Minna should be in by now.

  I walked towards the lobby, where Michelle was already sitting. “Good morning, Trevor. I didn’t see you come in.”

  “Good morning, Michelle. I came in a little early. Is Ms. Townsend in yet?”

  “Yep. And by the way. You have a package. It’s been here since Friday.” Michelle said, handing me a long box, which looked like it contained long stemmed roses.

  “It looks like you have an admirer.” Michelle said smiling. “Yeah, it looks like it. Is there a card?”

  “I didn’t see one, but maybe it’s inside.”

  I quickly removed the red ribbon that was tied around the box. Something in the back of my mind felt something was just not right about this. Who would be sending me roses?

  It couldn’t have been Arnold, because he would have mentioned it yesterday. I opened the box slowly and looked inside. Inside were a dozen dead roses with a picture of my mother and father. The heads of both my parents were cut off. At the bottom of the picture written in what looked like blood were the words. “The sweet smell of these flowers are now dead, no longer clinging to life. It would be a shame to see the end of this man and his lovely wife.”