I handed in the impact statement only to be told, ‘If there is anything you don’t want Venables to read, we advise you take it out.’ That’s how I discovered he had the right to read the statement I’d prepared. My immediate response was, ‘In that case, I should be able to read his,’ but I was told I didn’t have that right. It was such a blow – this murderer even had the right to know what was going on in my head, my innermost thoughts. He got to hear how the misery he caused my family affected me every day. How is that justice? How is that right? I don’t get to know his name but he gets access to everything I do and feel. It rendered the statement worthless, as I had to take out lots of information about my lads to protect them. I also felt it would give him great satisfaction to know he continued to blight my life and I refused to give him the power to hurt me or my family anymore. I ended up submitting my statement, I had to as it was for James, but I think that might have wiped away my last shred of belief in the system.
I also decided to attend the Parole Board hearing (although we were only allowed to do so by video link) so that I could represent James. This meant that Venables could see me but I couldn’t see him – nothing ever seems to change on that front. Some of my friends were concerned and couldn’t understand why I wanted to go back there and revisit all that pain, but I have always said that as long as there is a fight to be had I will do it for James. I want Thompson and Venables to know I will never go away, let them forget what they did to my son or let them ruin another family.
Chapter 25
Gone, But Never Forgotten
Writing this book has been my first chance to tell my story in my own words. Over the years so many decisions were made for me and so many things have been written about me, that I wanted the chance to tell the world how special my son was and what really happened on the day he left our lives forever.
Somehow, the 25th anniversary of James’s death felt like the right time to deal with the pain and trauma his death caused, but, most importantly, to celebrate my magical little boy. James was more than a child murdered by two ten-year-old boys and not just a grainy black and white image – he was my funny, cheeky, lively son and his short life mattered.
In truth, I hadn’t ever felt strong enough to revisit the nightmare of the day that James went missing and everything else that happened afterwards. I have worked so hard over the years not to exist in a world of pain, that I was terrified to open the door again and worried that doing this book would bring all the suffering back to the surface. I have had to mentally box away so much that I was terrified to dust it all off and delve back into it. But, actually, it has made me feel so close to James and, in a way, it has brought him to life a bit for Stuart. As I talk about him I can see the smile on his face so clearly, and that is the nicest feeling in the world.
I know Michael was initially worried, ‘The only time it’s difficult is when Mum is upset. I am so proud my mum is doing this book because she can set the record straight, but I worried it would upset her like Ralph’s book did. When that was published I saw the headline “I blame Denise” and lost it totally. I went storming into the kitchen as she was hanging out washing and I exploded. But she ended up being really calm about it and comforting me. We all look out for each other in our family and my mates do the same for me. Sometimes they will see something on TV and they might raise it, but not very often. I am lucky really, I have lots of loyal people around me. The book has been a great thing and has helped Mum finally have her say. It’s really helped her.’
Because of all the campaigning I’ve done over the years, people assume I am used to being in public but, contrary to what some think, I hate the limelight with a passion and it took a long time to put my anxiety to one side. I used to approach the cameras and in my head I would be saying, I’m doing this for James, I’m doing this for James. Even now I have to take a deep breath when I go into a room and there are lots of conversations going on, but speaking up for James is the only way I can be a mother to him. I am his only voice.
People often ask me if I’ve ever been tempted to find out exactly what Thompson and Venables did to James on the day they murdered him and the answer is still no. At the time it happened there was no way I wanted to know, or could have coped with being told. And then, as the years passed, it became impossible to imagine finding out. In hindsight perhaps it would have been better to find out at the time, the equivalent of being kicked while I was down. It was like the stronger I got, the less I would have been able to cope with the details. And now it is too late and I am glad if my boys ever question me, I can hand on heart say that I don’t know.
There has only been one time I thought I was ready for the facts and that was just after Thomas was born. I remember saying to Stuart, ‘I think I need to know what happened so I can protect our boys.’ So we went to Albert Kirby and he refused to go into detail, saying that I knew the majority of what was true but that he wasn’t prepared to blow up my life by telling me anything else. I am grateful for that now. The public are still amazing to me, and to the rest of the family too.
Michael says, ‘I remember I’d just started work and it was around the time the Venables child porn story broke. It came on the radio and I was in the work van at the time with the lads and they immediately turned off the radio without saying a word. I told them that I knew about it and it was fine, but they just came back and said, “Okay, but we don’t want you to have to listen to that in work – it will mess with your head.” That was only three months in and it has been the same since. People are lovely most places I go, I was once in a bar and a security guard came up and said, “I recognise you, you’re Denise’s lad, if you ever need anything or there’s ever any issues, here is my card and you call me any time.” It’s good to know there are good people out there.’
Sometimes it is hard as I can get followed around the shops, to the extent that I have had to walk away from a trolley full of shopping as it is too much. There are some days I just can’t cope with it all and I just want to get in, get what I need and get out.
There was a time where the attention became sinister and I had a stalker. It was a difficult period and, eventually, the case went to court. The whole experience brought back some tough emotions, not least as the trial was taking place in the court down the road from The Strand shopping centre and I hadn’t set foot there since the day James went missing. Officials agreed to let us give evidence via video link and they offered us a room at Walton Lane Police Station, but that was where they had taken Thompson for questioning after he’d been arrested. We requested another station and they offered us Lower Lane Police Station, but that was where Venables had been taken for questioning after he’d been arrested. One exasperated policeman said, ‘What do you want us to do?’ I wasn’t trying to be difficult, I simply couldn’t go anywhere I knew those two had been, the thought of it made me feel sick.
After a slightly farcical scenario where the stalker kept trying to argue that he should be able to question Stuart and I directly, he was found guilty and spent a short time in prison where psychiatric care was recommended. When he was about to be released the police came round to offer us a panic alarm and assurances that he had been banned from Kirkby and given a strict curfew. It was a very odd experience and, although it had nothing to do with James, it reminded me that he was everywhere. Those memories of police stations and courts were still so raw all these years later.
Social media hasn’t always been my friend either and I have had to get used to trolling. When you’re in the public eye for whatever reason, even someone like me, the mum of a murdered child, it’s inevitable. I am lucky to have much more support than hate and, unless it is particularly scary or really bad, I just ignore it. There was one particular incident where I had to involve the police as things turned a bit ugly. I started to screen grab what she was saying as evidence (before she deleted the tweets) and I went to the authorities who decided that what she was doing warranted three years in prison. I am lucky th
at, all these years later, most people are still so supportive, especially in Liverpool. It is like they have taken James and our family to their hearts. I see that clearly when it comes to the support we get for the projects we have set up in James’ name.
As the years have gone on it has become really important to make sure that something good and positive comes from James’ short life. He was a ray of sunshine, full to the brim with energy and he had so much love to give. He was never stroppy, always wanted a hug and always ready for a dance. He was always right in the thick of everything and I wanted to offer some of that energy to children who needed it.
Initially, we were contacted by Esther Rantzen – she was already partnered with a children’s charity and wanted to expand by working with us and using James’ name on a house for struggling children. We talked for a while and looked at various possibilities and, although it didn’t work out, it did make me realise that I really wanted to create a lasting memorial in his name.
So with that in mind, I kept going with the idea and we set up the James Bulger Memorial Trust, known as For James. The idea was a charity that would benefit and support young people who are disadvantaged in some way – kids who have been damaged either by bereavement, bullying, hatred or having been a victim of crime. The trust provides cost-free travel and holiday accommodation for children and their families. This is alongside supporting other organisations benefitting children in similar difficult circumstances. We fundraise all year round and the money goes towards the upkeep of the accommodation and the travel expenses we donate to those families.
People actually stop me on the street and give me money for the charity. I have a special donation pocket and I let them see me put the money in there and then I will tweet doing a thank you, something along the lines of, ‘A lovely lady just stopped me in the street and gave me £10, which has gone straight to the fund, so huge thanks.’ The calendar is packed full of events such as free family festivals, black tie dinners and charity walks. I love that we have set something up ourselves and that James’ name remains ours. The charity is a huge part of my life, and Stuart’s too, and it is so wonderful to finally see something positive coming from years of pain and misery.
***
James is part of everything we do – especially when it comes to the special occasions. There is a Christmas tree planted next to his grave and before 25th December we all go to the cemetery to decorate it as a family. We put lights and baubles on it and hang his stocking on there, to make sure he is included in all the preparation. On Christmas Eve, as it is getting dark and before the cemetery closes, we all go back down and Michael will put the star on top of James’ tree as we are leaving. It’s the last touch for James once darkness falls. As I love Christmas, I spend just as much time and effort decorating James’ tree as I do our one at home. I can be there for hours! Stuart came up with the idea of adding lights that are on a timer, so it’s the same as ours at home.
I feel happy when we’ve been to the grave as I know we have done the best we can for him, and I can then try and make Christmas Day just about the boys. James also has a special area in our back garden with flowers and ornaments, so for Christmas I always put lots of lights up so they twinkle through the window as we eat our dinner and open our presents. I cook so much food and we have the day just the five of us, no one goes out and no one comes in. This is something I have done since the first Christmas without James, the first one with Michael. When James was alive we would trawl around everyone’s houses, making sure we saw everyone, like you do at Christmas. If I’d known it was his last one, we would have stayed all cosy inside just us and I wouldn’t have shared him with anyone. Once I had the boys I decided to change that and make it all about them. We have our Christmas dinner in the conservatory and we do talk about James round the table. People often ask if Christmas is the hardest, but there is always a face missing around that table every single day. Christmas isn’t any harder than any other day of the week.
There are other special occasions we mark at the cemetery – for James’ 18th birthday I had a cake made in the shape of a bottle of champagne and left it on his grave. It must have looked very realistic as someone stole it, but nevertheless it was a nod to the fact he should have been enjoying his first legal drink. We also had the marble on his grave redone for his 18th birthday too – even as I ordered it and arranged for the job to be done I remember feeling shock. All these years later it still takes me by surprise that James is in the ground and that my baby has gone. A new gravestone is not exactly the gift you imagine giving your child on such a special birthday.
I try very hard to live in the present – I can’t live in a world of ifs, buts and if onlys – if only I hadn’t gone shopping that day, if only we hadn’t stopped at the butcher’s, what if we had been half an hour later? Why didn’t I take his buggy? Thinking like that is the path to madness, as is searching for answers about why this had to happen to us – only Venables and Thompson know why they did what they did and I realised I had to stop asking why a long time ago because the answers aren’t ever coming. There is no forgiveness in my heart for my son’s killers.
Nor is there any peace since his killers were released. I know there are some people out there who think I should ‘let it go’, especially given how long ago James was murdered. To them I simply say, Would you ever give up on your child, especially if he wasn’t here to defend himself?
There is also a school of thought that everyone deserves a second chance to put right their wrongs. In normal circumstances, I am the first to agree with that: any decent person who makes a mistake should be given the chance to make amends. But there are two things that stop me applying this logic to my son’s killers. The first is that they aren’t decent people who live by the same morals we do – they are murderers who went out, at the age of ten, to abduct and kill. The second thing that stops me being able to walk away is the fact that the system continues to protect Thompson and Venables above all else, in my view, even if it means compromising the public and it seems to me wilfully ignoring what they did to my son.
In my opinion, the government will never be able to acknowledge the very real threat Thompson and Venables pose to the public, because to admit that would require them to face the fact that their rehabilitation has, in my mind, failed. All the money invested in my son’s killers may as well have gone up in flames, because they have not been reformed. I think that they manipulated their way to freedom and, after the first time Venables reoffended, I knew it would only be a matter of time before he slipped up again. As I said in my statement to the Parole Board in 2010, ‘I urge you to recognise he remains a danger to society in general.’
So it came as absolutely no surprise to me that, nearly eight years after he was first recalled to prison for breaching the terms of his release, I found out that Jon Venables was back in jail for a second time. He was re-arrested in November 2017, at the age of 35, after officials discovered more child abuse images on his computer during a routine home visit. The official response was: ‘His recall is a huge blow to those who have championed the efforts to reform him over the past 25 years.’ My response was: Here we go again. When are the government going to listen to me?
I do feel it has all been one big cover up over the years, with the government having to believe in their own system. That has been demonstrated by how they have treated me each time Venables has been recalled. The first time in 2010, someone did at least come round to the house to see me. The second time in 2017, we were told in a hurried phone call after the news was leaked to the press. Stuart was on the phone to his dad, when he had a missed call from our probation officer. Stuart called her back and she said, ‘I am just calling to inform you that Jon Venables is in breach of his license and has been recalled back to prison. All I can say is that he has been arrested.’ My blood ran cold and, instantly, I was back to those dark, early days. They wouldn’t tell us when he had been arrested or how long he would be in prison for. As usual the
re was no information for me. I was in the dark and James, it seemed, was the last priority. Imagine how I felt and continue to feel, having spent 25 years publicly campaigning for my son’s killers to have received longer prison sentences, and living life not knowing where they are or what kind of danger they pose to me or my family.
The media ended up giving me more information than the system supposedly there to protect me and my family. It turned out that Venables had yet again been arrested for child porn images on his computer. I couldn’t take the chance that another child could be hurt, especially as Venables clearly, in my mind, has learnt nothing, so we rolled up our sleeves, picked up the fight and set about trying to finally get justice for my son. As my statement to the press said:
Venables has now proved beyond any doubt what a vile, perverted psychopath he has always been. But what hurts me most is the way the probation service has tried, in my view, to cover this up.
Venables was taken back into custody a week ago, yet I was only informed hours before it hit the press. But it’s clear that they were trying to keep this quiet, until they got a call from the media. They then phoned me last night at 8.40pm, in a hurried call, with few details given – just that he had breached his terms of the license and returned to prison. That left me extremely upset, angry, feeling insulted. I will be taking advice from my lawyer before making a formal complaint to the probation service.
I hope finally I might get some justice for my son, James. I predicted Venables would re-offend unless they kept a very tight rein on him and I pray that now, please, someone from the UK government will finally listen to me. Justice for James.
I Let Him Go: The heartbreaking book from the mother of James Bulger Page 22