How to Love Her: McCullough Mountain (McCullough Mountain Prequel)

by Lydia Michaels

  After she left, he rummaged through the cabinets for a snack and his father called him from the back lawn. “Ant?”

  He stepped out back and found his dad sitting on the patio furniture drinking a beer. He held an unopened bottle out to him. Ant took the beer and sat beside him, sipping in companionable silence.

  “She’s a sweet girl.”

  “Yup.” More than sweet. She was everything a girl should be.

  “You love her?”

  Ant nodded, unsure if he’d ever be able to hide how much. “Definitely.”

  There was another long beat of silence. “Is it really yours, Anthony?”

  He looked at his father, not saying a word, but telling him with his eyes that whatever conclusion he drew made no difference in his feelings for Kate. Wanting to be perfectly clear, he muttered, “Does it matter, Dad?”

  “I’d think it should.”

  “Why? I’m not going to leave her because she has a child. She’s not going to leave me because I’m going to college. What difference does a paternity test make?”

  His dad grunted. “Kids are expensive, Anthony. I break my back putting your sisters through private school. And your tuition’s no joke.”

  “The baby’s not even born yet, Pop. There’s plenty of time to worry about saving up for college.”

  “You’re young. You’ve got a lot of opportunity ahead of you. I don’t want to see you throwing it away.”

  He finished his beer. “I’m not. I’m seizing every chance I get to go after what I want.” He stood. “I know you’re looking out, but this is my life. You got to live yours the way you wanted and now it’s my turn to live mine.”

  “Anthony,” his dad called as he started back toward the house. “I like her. But I love my children. I’ve always done everything in my power to make your lives easier. That took some sacrifice on my part. Sometimes we have to let things in our past go to have a better future.”

  He looked at his father a moment longer, struggling to put his feelings into words. He understood his point. Knew that Kate’s situation complicated his plans, but he also knew he couldn’t let her go and no matter what he might sacrifice to be with her, nothing would be worse than being without her. “She is my future, Pop.”

  Ant stared at the housing paperwork feeling like there was an albatross around his neck. The deadline was tomorrow and as much as he had a choice in the matter, the decision was already made for him. With the little he earned at the hardware store and the cost of commuting, he’d be living off pennies trying to travel back and forth. Not to mention the time it would take to commute. He had to go.

  His grip tightened on the pencil in his hand, snapping it in half. He shoved the paperwork away only to pull it back again. He was out of time.

  Gritting his teeth, he signed the form and sealed it in the envelope. As he dropped it in the mail his stomach twisted with awareness. No turning back. Unable to face his imminent future, he avoided the house and got in his car, driving straight to Kate’s.

  After dinner they sat on the porch like they usually did. It was the only private place in a house of nine.

  “You’re quiet tonight,” she whispered.

  “I have some things on my mind.”

  She leaned her head on his shoulder as they rocked slowly on the swing. “Wanna talk about it?”

  “I sent in my housing paperwork today.” The longer he waited for some sense of rightness, the more certain he was it wouldn’t come.

  She didn’t comment, but he knew she understood what this meant for them. After a while she said, “I could come visit you and you could come home on the weekends.”

  “I know.”

  There seemed nothing more to say beyond the endless promises that they would try and the knowledge that things would dramatically change. They barely spoke that night, the weight of their worries almost too much to bear. When he drove home he accepted no comfort would ever come from his decision and true grief took hold.

  His confidence was truly tested in the days that followed. His mother started a pile in the dining room of things he’d need to take to his dorm. Everything was moving too fast and no matter how he tried he couldn’t make time slow down. His mother constantly asked his opinion on furnishings, but he didn’t care about any of that, didn’t want to think about a home Kate wasn’t a part of.

  When Kate saw all the bedding and buildable shelves piled up in the dining room, worry flashed in her eyes. She tried to act excited and interested, but it was all an act for his sake, one he didn’t need. As she perused one item after another he thought about the day all the baby items arrived in her room. This should have been just as exciting, but it sucked.

  “Come on,” he said, not wanting to look at the piles anymore. “Let’s take a walk.” Normally they talked when they went on walks, but that day Kate stayed quiet.

  August arrived and the shift in their relationship was impossible to ignore. Kate continued to see him, but her mood was subdued. He wished there was a way to go to school and still see her every day, but unless he switched to a closer college or dropped half his course load, he was out of ideas.

  One night, mid-August and exactly one week before he left for school, she broke down and cried in his arms. He tried to comfort her, but nothing he said seemed to help.

  “Things won’t change between us, Katie. I know we won’t see each other as much, but I’ll love you just the same, and when we do see each other it will be that much better.”

  “I know.” She sniffled and wiped her eyes. She hung her head and whispered, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Hey.” He lifted her chin so she would look at him. “Don’t shut me out. Tell me why you’re upset.”

  It took a lot of coaxing, but eventually she opened up. “There are going to be other women there. Smart, single, beautiful women.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that.”

  “Anthony, we have to be realistic. I love you, but…” She struggled through her tears. “You’re my best friend. I know we love each other, but we’ve only been together that one time, and maybe that’s the way it should be.”

  “Kate, I love you. We’re more than friends. Sex doesn’t validate anything.” He pointed to his chest. “It’s what we feel in here.”

  True they had only shared that one incredible night, but that had more to do with their living situations than anything else. She was pregnant and he couldn’t very well make love to her in the back of his car—though there were plenty of times he wanted to.

  She nodded, lowering her head again. “I just want you to know that if you met someone else…I’d understand.”

  “Hey, look at me.” He cupped her face and pressed his lips to hers, softly whispering, “There won’t be anyone else. You’re it.”

  She leaned into him and shyly pulled him closer. He kissed her deeply, trying to convey everything he felt for her and how sexy he found her. His hand grazed her swollen belly as he gently cupped her breast and massaged softly.

  She breathlessly sighed against his lips, her hands needy as they moved over his clothes. Once again he had to pull back. They were on her porch. Anyone could walk out at any moment. They sat back and stared at the field as the sun set, their frustration palpable.

  “Let’s go away this week,” he suddenly said.

  “You’re leaving on Saturday.”

  “Before then. Let’s go somewhere.”

  “Anthony, we don’t have the money for that.”

  “I have money. I can take a little out of my savings and we’ll rent a room. I want to be with you again before I go.”

  She looked down at her stomach. “Maybe we should just leave things as they are.”

  He frowned, not liking the hopelessness he caught in her tone. “Why?”

  “Because of everything I just said. That night in June was perfect.”

  “There will be more nights like that, Kate. It can be like that again. Trust me. It will be. That night had
nothing to do with timing and everything to do with us.”

  She sighed, a small dimple forming in her cheek as her mouth twisted. “I’m fat.”

  “Shut up. You are not fat. You’re really being down on yourself.”

  When she looked away, a horrible knot tightened in his gut. “Kate. What’s going on? Tell me the truth.”

  “We said it would just be the summer. Every day it hurts more and more to think of you gone. I just want the hurting to stop.”

  The sickening knot twisted tighter and immense pressure filled his chest. “Are you breaking up with me?”

  The apology in her eyes was clear. “I love you, Anthony. I love you so much that I can’t bear to hold you back.”

  “You’re not,” he snapped. “Jesus, Kate. Knock it off. Everything’s fine the way it is.”

  “You say that now, because we’re here and everything’s calm and quiet, but when you’re there everything will be busy and fast. Your days will fly by like minutes while mine progress like years. At first you’ll call, but then something will come up—”

  “I’ll call. I’ll fucking call. What are you doing? This is pointless.”

  “This is being realistic,” she argued.

  He shot to his feet, too panicked to sit. “Then I won’t go. I’ll stay here and commute. I don’t care about living there. I care about you.”

  “You have to go. This is what you planned, what you promised your parents.”

  “I don’t care. I’m not going unless I know we’ll be fine.”

  Her lips pressed tight as she glanced away.

  He crouched in front of her and gripped her hands, desperation making him tremble. “Kate, listen to me. We are not breaking up. If I could, I’d take you with—” His words cut off, his thoughts derailing and moving in a total opposite direction. “You could come with me.”

  “I live here, Anthony. I can’t afford to move out and raise a baby. I don’t have enough money and I work here.”

  He shook his head. It was so simple, but a huge leap of faith. “They have family housing.”

  “For students!”

  “No, for the students that have families. I have a scholarship. They’d pay for whatever dorm my needs qualified for. You could live with me.”

  She frowned at him. “They won’t allow that.”

  “They would if you were my wife.”

  Her hands yanked out of his and she stood so fast he nearly fell back. “Stop it, Anthony. We aren’t getting married.”

  “Why? I love you. I want to be with you. You’re having a baby.”

  “Yes, I’m having a baby! Do you hear that? Me. I’m having another man’s baby and you’re out of your mind.”

  He knew it was a stretch, but he wasn’t expecting her rejection to cut so deep. “You wouldn’t marry me?”

  Her shoulders sagged. “Anthony, we’re too young to get married.”

  “Who says? Your mom married your dad at your age. My parents got married when they were twenty-one. We’re adults.” He hoped this would bring her comfort, but she looked sadder now than she had five minutes ago.

  “No. The answer’s no.”

  He should have gone to her, but her blunt rejection cut him down, and he couldn’t find the strength to comfort her when his heart was bleeding on the inside. Swallowing, he stepped back and reached in his pocket for his keys.

  “You act like marrying me would make you miserable, Kate. I know we’re young and we wouldn’t have a lot of money, but I’d be a good husband. I’d treat your son like he was my own and I’d love you and him with every part of my being. I’d always put you before me, but sometimes…” He shook his head and laughed without humor. “Sometimes you make that impossible. I have to go.”

  Since the beginning he’d been chasing her, begging her to take a chance on him. He’d hoped they were past all the second guessing, hoped the idea of making a memorable summer and calling it quits was just some asinine plan they had in the beginning. That maybe their connection would prove love couldn’t just be shut off. But here he was asking to marry her and she didn’t even have the conviction to stay together as a couple.

  When he reached his house he felt utterly foolish and severely ripped off. She’d rather end everything they had than take a chance on working to make it last. Marriage wasn’t even enough security for her to be happy.

  He never let his ego get in the way of reality, but she could be such a pain in the ass when she got stubborn. He didn’t understand how, when she obviously loved him and wanted to be with him, she’d view breaking up as any sort of solution. It wasn’t.

  When he entered his room a box sat on his bed. Peeking inside he saw more shit for school. Frustrated, he flung out his hand and threw the box on the floor. “Fuck!”

  He fell back on his bed and gritted his teeth, resenting every bit of opportunity ahead of him.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kate tossed and turned in bed long after midnight. When sleep proved utterly impossible, she went to the kitchen to find something to eat. Strangely, even food didn’t bring her peace. As she stared out the back window, her conversation with Anthony played like a broken record in her head and her heart broke a little more each time she thought about what she’d said to him.

  She didn’t want to break up with him, but it seemed the right thing to do. She was holding him back and eventually he’d leave her behind, because their lives—like they’d always been—were moving in opposite directions.

  Knowing she’d done the right thing and made one of the hardest choices in her life should have made her feel better. It was supposed to end the pain, cut off the agonizing anticipation of their inevitable end, but the ache she felt now was worse than anything that came before.

  Her head tipped back as she looked up at the ceiling. Her parents were asleep and no one was there to tell her she’d done the right thing. Worst of all, she’d hurt Ant, a guy who had been incredible to her since day one. If she could just explain that this was for the best, make him understand and accept reality, she’d feel better.

  Her hand slid over the counter and gripped her car keys. It was late and dark, but something inside of her knew she wouldn’t rest until she made this right. She had to make him see this was the only way it could be, no matter how much it crushed them.

  She quietly left the house. The streets were empty and the world had an eerie sense of nothingness as she drove to his house. So not to wake his parents, she parked across the street and waited for her common sense to kick in. It didn’t.

  Looking at the clock on the dashboard, she winced. The house was dark and it was too late to knock. She studied the windows and was pretty sure the one on the bottom left side was his room, but if she was wrong this could end disastrously.

  Climbing out of the car, she crept through his yard and drew in several deep breaths. She looked for a pebble to throw, but there was nothing but grass. Stepping over the shrubs, she stared up at the window, which was higher than it seemed from the road. She tapped lightly.

  This was stupid. She was going to make a fool of herself or worse, wake up the entire house. Turning away, she stepped over a shrub and stilled as a light flipped on inside the house. Crap. Her heartbeat turned frantic as she stood like a bandit in the dark as the window slid open.

  “Kate?” Annnnd that was not Anthony.

  She slowly turned. “Hey Angela. Sorry to wake you.”

  Anthony’s little sister grinned. “Are you looking for my brother?”

  “Um…yeah. But I can just call him in the morning.”

  His sister shrugged and pointed to her right. “His window’s that one.”

  Kate nodded, wishing she could shrink away and pretend this never happened. “I’m gonna go. Please don’t tell anyone I was here.”

  The girl smiled. “I won’t, but I think it’s totally romantic. My parents sleep like the dead. You want me to get him for you?”

  “No. I’ll just talk to him tomorrow.” She had to get ou
t of there.

  “Okay. I’ll see you later.”

  “Goodnight.”

  Creeping over the lawn, she made her way back to the front of the house, mentally cursing herself the entire time. She was such an idiot.

  “Did you just come to talk to my little sister?”

  Spinning on her heels she gasped and stared as Antony sat on the front stoop. “I didn’t mean to come here.”

  “Sleepwalking again?”

  She laughed and hung her head. “I couldn’t sleep.”

  “Me neither.” He stood. “Come in. We’ll talk.”

  Hesitating, she took a slow step forward. “I could just call you tomorrow.”

  “Kate, stop being difficult. Come inside.”

  She followed him through the dark house and into his room. When he shut the door her thoughts scattered and she couldn’t remember what was so pressing that couldn’t wait until morning. He sat beside her on the bed.

  “You wanna go first?”

  She nodded then shook her head. “I’m so confused, Anthony.”

  “Me too.”

  Being that he always seemed so calm and in command, she found that hard to believe. “You are?”

  “Yeah. Kate, I don’t have all the answers. I’m just trying to find the best solution.”

  “I can’t marry you, Anthony.”

  His gaze drifted away. “I know. That might have been a little extreme. But if you said yes, I’d still do it.”

  “I don’t want to get married because it’s convenient.”

  He sent her a sidelong glance. “It would have been for love, Katie, not convenience. I wouldn’t have offered for any other reason.”

  “Your parents would never support that. It’s too soon.”

  “Maybe,” he agreed. “The funny thing is, once I put it on the table and you took it off I realized how much part of me truly wants to marry you. I know we’re young, but… when I’m with you, I’m happier than when I’m anywhere else. I don’t think about if there’s a greater happiness or better places to be. I’m just… happy where I am—with you.”