MA07 MYTH Inc Link

by Robert Asprin

  Tananda gagged slightly on her drink.

  “A respectable businessman? C’mon, Weasel. This is Tananda and Chumley you’re talking to. How long have we known you? I don’t believe you’ve had an honest thought that whole time.”

  Weasel shook his head sadly.

  “Look around you, sweetheart. This is my place ... or at least it used to be. Been running it fair and square for some time now. It may not be as exciting as my old lifestyle, but it’s easily as profitable since I never lose any time in the slammer.”

  Little sister was opening her mouth to make another snide remark when I elbowed her in the ribs. While I’m not above a bit of larceny myself from time to time, I figured that if Weasel genuinely wanted to go straight the least we could do is not give him a hard time about it.

  “So tell me, old chap,” I said. “What brought about this amazing reform? A good woman or a bad caper?”

  “Neither, actually. The way it was, see, was that I was framed ... no, really, this time. I hadn’t done a thing, but all the evidence had me pegged for being guilty as sin. I thought I had really had it, but this guy pops up and backs me hard. I mean, he springs for a really good mouthpiece, and when the jury finds me guilty anyway, he talks to the judge and gets me a suspended sentence. As if that weren’t enough, after I’m loose again, he spots me the cash I need to start this place ... a nice no-interest loan. ‘Pay it back when you can,’ he sez. I’ll tell you, I ain’t never had anybody believe in me like that before. Kinda made me think things over about how I was always saying that I had to be a crook ‘cause no one would give me a fair shake. Well, sir, I decided to give the honest life a try ... and haven’t regretted it yet.”

  “This mysterious benefactor you mentioned ... his name wouldn’t happen to be Hoos, would it?”

  “That’s right, Chumley. Easily the finest man I’ve ever met. You see, I’m not the only one he’s helped out. Most of the people in this dimension have had some kind of hand up from him at one time or another. I’m not surprised you’ve heard of him.”

  Tananda trotted out her best smile.

  “That brings us to why I’m here, Weasel. I’m trying to find this Hoos character, and so far the locals haven’t been very helpful. Can you give me an introduction, or at least point me in a direction?”

  The smile that had been on Weasel’s face disappeared as if he had just been told he was left out of a rich uncle’s will. His eyes lost their focus, and he licked his lips nervously.

  “Sorry, Tananda,” he said. “Can’t help you there.”

  “Wait a minute, old buddy.” Tananda’s smile was a little forced now. “You must know where to find him. Where do you make your payments on this place?”

  “Made the last payment half a year ago. Now if you’ll excuse me...”

  Tananda had him by the sleeve before he could take a step.

  “You’re holding out on me, Weasel,” she snarled, abandoning any attempt at sweetness. “Now either you tell me where I can find this Hoos character or I’ll ...”

  “You’ll what? Wreck the place? You’re a little late there, sweetheart. You want the last chair, be my guest. It doesn’t match the rest of the decor now, anyway.”

  From little sister’s expression, I was pretty sure what she was thinking of destroying wasn’t the chair, so I thought I’d better get my oar in before things got completely out of hand.

  “If you don’t mind my asking, old chap, is there any particular reason you’re being so obstinate over a simple request?”

  Tananda gave me one of her “stay out of this” looks, but Weasel didn’t seem to mind the interruption.

  “Are you kidding?” he said. “Maybe you weren’t listening, but I owe this guy ... a lot more than just paying back a loan. He gave me a chance to start over when everybody else had written me off. I’m supposed to show my appreciation by setting a couple of goons on his trail?”

  “Goons?”

  She said it very softly, but I don’t think anyone in the room mistook Tananda’s meaning. In fact, a few of her earlier playmates who were still conscious started crawling toward the door in an effort to put more distance between themselves and the pending explosion.

  Weasel, however, remained uncowed.

  “Yeah, goons. What happened in here a few minutes ago? An ice-cream social?”

  “He’s got you there, little sister.”

  That brought her head around with a snap.

  “Shut up, Chumley!” she snarled. “This is my assignment. Remember?”

  “Wouldn’t have it any other way. I do think Weasel has a point, though. You really don’t give the impression of someone who wants a peaceful chat.”

  At first I thought she was going to go for my throat. Then she took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.

  “Point taken,” she said, releasing her grip. “Weasel, I really just want to talk to this guy Hoos. No rough stuff, I promise.”

  The bartender pursed his lips.

  “I don’t know, Tananda. I’d like to believe you. I suppose if Chumley says it’s on the up-and-up ...”

  That did it. Tananda spun on her heel and headed for the door.

  “If it takes Chumley’s say-so, then forget it. Okay? I’ll do this my way, without help, even if it kills someone.”

  “Hey, don’t go away mad,” Weasel called after her. “Tell you what I’ll do. When the police ask what happened here, I’ll keep your name out of it, okay? I’ll just play dumb and collect from the insurance. It’ll kill my rates, but...”

  “Don’t ruin your new record on my account. Total up the damages and I’ll cover the cost personally.”

  With that she slammed out into the street, cutting off any further conversation.

  “Is she kidding?” Weasel said. “It’s gonna cost a bundle to fix this place up again.”

  “I really don’t know, old boy. She’s really mad, but by the same token, she’s mad enough that I wouldn’t cross her. If I were you, I’d start totaling up the damages. Eh, what?”

  “I hear that,” he nodded. “Well, you’d better get after her before she gets into trouble. Sorry to be such a hard case, but ...”

  “Tut, tut,” I waved. “You’ve been more than generous, all things considered. Well, cheerio.”

  I had expected to have to repeat my earlier performance of catching up with little sister, but instead I found her sitting on the curb just outside the bar. Now, she’s not one to cry, either from anger or frustration, but seeing her there with her shoulders hunched and her chin in her hands, I realized that this might be one of those rare times.

  “I say, you’re really taking this quite hard, aren’t you?” I said, as gently as I could.

  She didn’t look around.

  “It’s just that... oh, pook! Weasel’s right, and so are you. I’ve been charging around like a bull in a china shop, and all that’s been accomplished is that even my friends won’t help me out. Bunny’ll never let me forget it if I can’t even pull off a simple collection assignment.”

  Squatting beside her, I put a reassuring arm around her shoulders. “I think that may be your problem, little sister. You’re trying so hard to set a speed record to impress Bunny that you’re rushing things ... even for you. Now, I suggest that we retire someplace and think things through a bit, hmmm? Forget about getting the job done fast and just concentrate on getting it done.”

  That perked her up a bit, and she even managed a weak smile.

  “Okay,” she said. “Even though I still want to handle this on my own, I suppose there’s nothing wrong with using you for a consultant since you’re here. What I really feel like right now is a stiff drink to settle me down. I don’t suppose you’ve spotted anyplace besides the Suspended Sentence where we could ...”

  “Care for a glass of juice?”

  We looked up to find the ol
d boy with his vending cart smiling down on us. For a moment I was afraid that Tananda would snap at him, but she gave him a grin that was far more sincere than her earlier smile.

  “Thanks, but I had something stronger in mind. And while we’re on the subject of thanks, I appreciate the information you gave me earlier ... the second time, that is. I guess I was in too much of a hurry before to remember my manners.”

  “Don’t mention it. It seems like most folks are in a hurry these days. Me, I always felt you should take your time and enjoy things. We’ve all got so little time, the least we should do is savor what time we have.”

  Tananda smiled at him with genuine warmth instead of her usual manipulative heat.

  “That’s good advice,” she said. “I’ll try to remember it. Come on, Chumley. We’ve got some planning to do ... slow and careful planning, that is.”

  “Well, just holler if I can be of any help.”

  “Thanks, but what we really need is someone who can put us in touch with Mr. Hoos. I don’t suppose you’d happen to know where I could find him?”

  “Oh, that’s easy.”

  “It is?”

  I think we said it simultaneously. It was that kind of a surprise.

  “Sure. Just stand up, blink three times, and he’ll be right here.”

  That sounded a bit balmy to me, and for the first time I started doubting the old boy’s sanity. Little sister, however, seemed to take him seriously. She was on her feet in the blink of an eye, blinking furiously.

  “Well?” she said, peering around.

  “Pleased to meet you, Missy. My name’s Hoos. What’s yours?”

  We gaped at him ... it seemed to be the logical thing to do at the time.

  “You!?” Tananda managed at last. “Why didn’t you say something before?”

  “Didn’t know until now it was me you were looking for.”

  It was really none of my business, but I had to ask.

  “Just out of curiosity, why was it necessary for little sister to blink three times?”

  As I spoke, I realized I had forgotten to use my Big Crunch speech patterns. Hoos didn’t seem to notice.

  “Wasn’t, really. It’s just you’ve been working so hard to find me; I thought I should throw in a little something to keep the meeting from being too anticlimactic. So, what can I do for you?”

  There was a gleam of mischievousness in the old boy’s eye that led me to believe he wasn’t as daft as he would like people to believe. Tananda missed it, though, as she fumbled a battered sheet of paper out of her tunic.

  “Mr. Hoos,” she said briskly, “I’m here representing a client who claims you owe him money on this old account. I was wondering when he could expect payment, or if you would like to set up a schedule for regular submissions?”

  Hoos took the paper from her and studied it casually.

  “Well, I’ll be ... I could have sworn I wrote him a check on this the next day.”

  “He did say something about a check being returned,” Tananda conceded.

  “Must of held onto it until I closed out. Darn! I thought I had covered everything.”

  “You closed out the account with the bank?”

  Hoos winked at her.

  “No, I closed out the bank. That was back when I was consolidating my holdings.”

  “Oh. Well,” as I was saying, “if you’d like to set up a payment schedule...”

  He waved a hand at her and opened the top of his vending cart.

  From my height advantage, I could see that the bottom of it was filled with gold coins.

  “Why don’t we just settle up now?” he said. “I’ve got a little cold cash with me ... get it? Cold cash? Let’s see, you’ll be wanting some interest on that ...”

  “MR. HOOS!”

  We turned to find the bank manager striding rapidly toward us.

  “I thought we agreed that you’d handle all your transactions through the bank! Carrying cash is an open invitation to the criminal element, remember?”

  “What kind of a shakedown is going on here?” Weasel demanded, emerging from the door behind us. “This sure doesn’t look like a friendly chat to me!”

  A crowd was starting to form around us as people on the street drifted over and shopkeepers emerged from their stores. None of them looked particularly happy ... or friendly.

  “I know you want to handle this yourself, little sister,” I murmured. “Would you mind if I at least showed my fangs to back some of this rabble off a ways? I want to get out of here alive, too.”

  “NOW JUST HOLD ON, EVERYBODY!”

  Hoos was standing on the seat of his vending cart holding up restraining hands to the mob.

  “This little lady has a legitimate bill she’s collecting for. That’s all. Now just ease off and go back to whatever you were doing. Can’t a man do a little business in private anymore?”

  That seemed to placate most of the onlookers, and they began to disperse slowly. Weasel and the bank manager didn’t budge.

  “Let me see that bill,” the manager demanded. “Do you recall incurring this debt, Mr. Hoos?”

  “Yes, I recall incurring this debt, Mr. Hoos,” Boo said, mimicking the manager’s voice. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll just pay it and the matter will be settled.”

  “Well, this is most irregular. I don’t know why they didn’t simply follow regular channels and present their claim at the bank.”

  “We did stop by the bank,” Tananda snapped. “All we got was a runaround.”

  The manager peered at her.

  “Oh, yes. I remember,” he drawled. “What I don’t recall is your saying anything about submitting a claim for payment. There was some mention made of a bank robbery, though. Wasn’t there?”

  “You were moving a bit fast there, little sister,” I chided gently.

  “You mean to say you were working legit, Tananda?” Weasel chimed in. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”

  “I did! What’s going on here, anyway, Weasel?”

  “Mr. Boos is a very rich man,” the bank manager said. “He is also quite generous ... sometimes too generous for his own good.”

  “It’s my money, ain’t it?” Hoos retorted. “Now, where were we? Oh, yes.”

  He started shoveling handfuls of coins into a paper bag.

  “... We were talking about interest on this bill. What do you think would cover the trouble I’ve caused missing payment the way I did?”

  “See what we mean?” Weasel said. “Mr. Hoos, any interest due should have been set at the time of the debt. Paving any more would be just giving your money away.”

  The bank manager gave us a weak excuse for an understanding smile.

  “As you can see, many of us in this dimension who owe our good fortune to Mr. Hoos have taken it upon ourselves to protect him from unnecessary expense ... not to mention from those who would seek to take advantage of his generosity.”

  “... After you’ve benefited from that generosity yourself,” I added innocently.

  That got a cackle of laughter out of Hoos.

  “That’s right, Big Fella,” he said. “Don’t think too harshly of the boys, though. There’s nothing quite as honest as a reformed criminal. Would you like me to tell you what the manager here was doing before I bailed him out?”

  “I’d rather you didn’t,” the manager huffed, but there was a pleading note in his voice.

  I saw that mischievous glint in the old boy’s eyes again and found myself wondering for the first time who had really framed Weasel just before he decided to reform. I think little sister caught it too.

  “I don’t think any interest will be necessary, Mr. Hoos,” she said, taking the bag from him. “I’m sure my client will be happy with the payment as is.”

  “Are you sure? Can’t I give y
ou a little something for your trouble?”

  “Sorry. Company policy doesn’t allow its agents to take tips. Weasel, you’ll send me a bill for the damages to your place?”

  “You got it, sweetheart,” the bartender waved. “There, now,” Hoos said, reaching into his cart. “I can cover that expense for you, at least.”

  Tananda shook her head.

  “It’s baked into our operating budget. Really, Mr. Hoos, I’m already working legit. I really don’t need any extra boosts. C’mon, Chumley. It’s time we were going.”

  Waving goodbye to the others, I took my place beside her as she started the gyrations to blip us through to our home base on Deva.

  “Perhaps I shouldn’t mention it, little sister,” I said softly, “but unless my eye for damage has deserted me completely, isn’t that bill going to come to more than our company’s share of the collection?”

  “I said I’d cover it personally, and I will,” she murmured back. “The important thing is that I’ve completed this assignment in record time ... and if you say anything to Bunny about the damages, I’ll make you wish you had never been born. Do we understand each other, big brother?”

  “I REALLY HAVE to compliment you, dear. It never ceases to amaze me how much you do with so little.”

  That was Bunny’s comment following Tananda’s report on her last assignment. I had asked her to sit in to take notes, and I had to admit she had been extremely attentive while Tananda was speaking ... which was more than I managed to do. From the report, the assignment was so routine as to be dull, though I personally wanted to hear Chumley’s side of it before I made any final judgments on that score. That particular troll, however, was nowhere to be found ... a fact which made me more than a little suspicious. Bunny was as efficient as ever, though, covering for my wandering thoughts by providing compliments of her own.

  “Why, thank you, Bunny,” Tananda purred back. “It really means a lot to me to hear you say that, realizing how much you know about operating with minimal resources.”