Up the Down Staircase

by Bel Kaufman

  TOPIC: TEACHERS’ WELFARE

  THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED FEDERATION OF TEACHERS HAS ASKED THE BOARD OF EDUCATION TO SUPPORT LEGISLATION FOR HIGHER DEATH BENEFITS AND PENSIONS FOR TEACHERS WHO DIE OR ARE HURT IN THE LINE OF DUTY. YOUR SUPPORT OF THIS MEASURE IS NEEDED.

  * * *

  Miss Barrett,

  Joseph Ferone of your official class was absent from Math this morning. He claims he was working for Mr. Grayson. Please discipline and enter on PRC.

  Frederick Loomis

  * * *

  FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.

  TO: ALL TEACHERS

  SINCE SCHOOL AIDES HAVE RELIEVED TEACHERS OF MANY NON-TEACHING ASSIGNMENTS, TEACHERS ARE REQUESTED TO REPORT TO THE OFFICE FOR FURTHER ASSIGNMENTS.

  JJ MCH

  * * *

  Dear Miss Barrett,

  Joseph Ferone missed an important Physics test today because he was with Mr. Grayson. If you arrange for him to see me, I’ll be glad to make out another test for him.

  Sincerely yours,

  Marcus Manheim

  * * *

  INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

  FROM: P. Barringer, 309

  TO: S. Barrett, 304

  Sylvia!

  Sorry I couldn’t keep our date last night.

  I enclose a peace-offering:

  In a few days you’ll be exposed, for the first time, to Open School.

  It’s an experience.

  Model parents will visit model teachers in model classrooms.

  Let’s sing this to them, with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan:

  I am the very model of a modern teacher, well aware

  Of all the new developments from Iowa to Delaware;

  I’ve information sundry on my many students various

  On all the graded levels of their tabulated areas.

  My back is full of callouses from my psychoanalysis;

  My head is full of insights and devoid of common fallacies.

  The truant and the super-slow have my attention diligent;

  I even have some time to give the normally intilligent!

  There is more, but I’m due at rehearsal.

  Last call: Will you, at least, join the chorus? Help with makeup? Sew costumes? Paint props?

  Meet me, same time, at The Tavern?

  Paul

  * * *

  TO: ALL TEACHERS

  I HAVE NOTED AND OBSERVED IN ASSEMBLY THAT A NUMBER OF OUR STUDENTS SEEM UNCERTAIN OF THE WORDS OF OUR ALMA MATER SONG, “THE PURPLE AND GOLD.” THERE SEEMS TO BE CONFUSION IN THE FIRST STANZA PARTICULARLY. TEACHERS ARE ADVISED AND URGED TO GO OVER THE WORDING WITH THEIR STUDENTS SO THAT THE SONG MAY BE SUNG AT THE NEXT AND SUBSEQUENT ASSEMBLIES WITH THE RIGHT AND PROPER FEELING AND ENUNCIATION. THE WORDS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

  Ye loyal sons and daughters

  Whose hearts will ne’er grow old

  As long as ye are true to

  The purple and gold.

  MAXWELL E. CLARKE,

  PRINCIPAL

  * * *

  CIRCULAR # 61

  PLEASE KEEP ALL CIRCULARS ON FILE, IN THEIR ORDER

  TOPIC: HOMEWORK ADDENDUM

  WE HAVE HAD AN EPIDEMIC OF UNPREPARED STUDENTS. A STUDENT UNPREPARED WITH HOMEWORK MUST SUBMIT TO HIS TEACHER, IN WRITING, HIS REASON OR REASONS FOR NEGLECTING TO DO IT. PLEASE KEEP THESE HOMEWORK EXCUSES ON FILE IN THE RIGHT-HAND DRAWER OF YOUR DESK.

  JAMES J. MCHABE

  ADM. ASST.

  I know homework is essential to our well being, and I did it but I got into a fight with some kid on the way to school and he threw it in the gutter.

  My dog chewed it up.

  I didn’t know we were supposed to do it.

  I fell asleep on the subway because I stayed up all night doing my homework, so when it stopped at my station I ran through the door not to be late & left it on the seat on the subway.

  The cat chewed it up and there was no time to do it over.

  Why I Didn’t Do It. When you tell us to bring a book report I do not like it because I have to go to the library and get a book to read it. It will take me about two month or more to read it and I have to owe money to them and it adds up. It isn’t fair to the pocket, Ha–ha! In those hours when I have to read the book I can watch TV or play around or shoot a couple.

  As I was taking down the assignment my ballpoint stopped.

  I had to study French so didn’t have time to study English.

  I did it but left it home by mistake.

  If a teacher wants to know something why doesn’t she look it up herself instead of making we students do it? We benefit ourselves more by listening to her, after all, she’s the teacher!

  The baby spilled milk on it.

  My brother took “my” homework instead of “his.”

  I have to work after school and they kept me til midnight.

  The page was missing from my book.

  Even though I brought in a legal note for absence he sent me back. That’s why I’m unprepared.

  I had to take care of my three siblings because my mother is in the hospital.

  I lost my book & just found it.

  There’s no room in my house now my uncle moved in and I have to sleep in the hall and couldn’t use the kitchen table.

  Some one stole it.

  I was sick and had to go to bed.

  What homework?

  My dog pead on it.

  TO: ALL TEACHERS

  FOR THOSE WHO MISSED LAST MONDAY’S ASSEMBLY BECAUSE OF THE CONFUSION RESULTING FROM SWITCHING X2 AND Y2 SECTIONS, A COPY OF DR. CLARKE’S ADDRESS TO THE HONOR STUDENTS IS ENCLOSED.

  I AM PLEASED AND PRIVILEGED TO SALUTE AND CONGRATULATE THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE THROUGH YOUR OWN DETERMINATION AND STICKTOITIVENESS ACHIEVED AN HONORED AND ENVIABLE PLACE ON THE HONOR ROLL. YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY OF LEARNING FROM AND CONTRIBUTING TO THE CULTURAL HERITAGE OF THE GENERATIONS BEFORE AND AFTER YOU AS THEY HAVE LEARNED FROM AND CONTRIBUTED TO YOU. NOW YOU MUST DRAW UPON THE RICH WAREHOUSE OF SKILLS YOU HAVE ACQUIRED AND KNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE WON AND CONTINUE TO FACE THE FUTURE, TO GO ONWARD TOWARDS VENTURES EVER NEW, FORWARD TOWARDS HORIZONS EVER WIDER. AS THE GREAT POET SO WELL PUT IT: “SAY NOT THE STRUGGLE NAUGHT AVAILETH.” IT AVAILETH; IT AVAILETH INDEED; FOR NOTHING LASTING OR WORTHWHILE WAS EVER WON WITHOUT IT. YOU WHO HAVE THUS FOUGHT AND STRUGGLED TO ACHIEVE THE SPLENDID DISTINCTION OF A PLACE ON THE HONOR ROLL KNOW FULL WELL THAT THIS IS SO, AND AS I LOOK UPON YOUR PROUD AND HAPPY FACES, I AM REMINDED OF THE YOUNG MAN WHO, IF YOU RECALL, HAD SO ZEALOUSLY AND SO SELFLESSLY CARRIED THE MESSAGE TO GARCIA.

  AND YET, THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT ACHIEVED SUCH A PLACE ON THE HONOR ROLL MUST NOT FEEL THAT YOU HAVE FAILED. ON THE CONTRARY, IT IS YOU WHO ARE THE BACKBONE AND THE REAR-GUNNERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE FORGED AHEAD, FOR WITHOUT YOU AND YOUR CONTRIBUTION, THEY COULD NOT HAVE ACHIEVED WHAT THEY DID. IN A LARGE MEASURE OR SMALL, WE EACH AND ALL OF US ARE CONTRIBUTING TO THE GOOD OF THE WHOLE, THOSE BEHIND THE THRONE AS WELL AS THOSE ON THE THRONE, WHICH IS THE ULTIMATE AIM AND GOAL OF DEMOCRACY IN ACTION. ANYONE WHO HAS HAD THE GOOD FORTUNE TO ATTEND OUR G.O. MEETINGS KNOWS THAT DEMOCRACY CAN AND DOES WORK, AND IT IS UP TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US TO PASS IT ON INTO THE FUTURE.

  * * *

  Sylvia!

  No chance to stop by today.

  My classes are being covered while I’m in auditorium, presumably blocking out Faculty Show. Actually, I’m writing my own version of Calvin Coolidge Gilbert & Sullivan. It will never pass by the censors, but may win a smile from you. Which is all I ask.

  Teachers will play kids. What do you think of this number, for instance–played by our talented trio: Henrietta Pastorfield, Mary Lewis, and Charlotte Wolf?

  Three little maids from school are we,

  Nourished on heroin and “tea,”

  None with a Phi Beta Kappa key–

  Three little maids from school!

  Three little maids from Calvin Coolidge,

  Gi
ggly and wiggly and young and foolidge,

  Out to avoid a little schoolage–

  Three little maids from school!

  In counterpart, the boys–played, I think, by Loomis, Manheim and McHabe:

  Three little lads from school are we,

  Beatniks, repeatniks, as you can see

  (If you peruse our PPP)–

  Three little lads from school!

  Junior delinquents, always truant,

  Each with an officer pursuant,

  And a vocabulary fluent

  Having to do with school!

  Loomis: I keep on learning less and less, and

  McHabe: I am what’s known as quite a mess, and

  Manheim: I am a problem adolescent–

  Three little lads from school!

  It’s good to get out of the classroom, away from vapid faces blinking at me. You have one of them in your homeroom–Alice something–who bathes me in long, liquid glances. Lord preserve me from puppy crushes. My taste runs more to Chaucerian-scholar types.

  Meet me at The Tavern after school? I need to get blotto. Got another “Thank-you-for-letting-us-see-your-clever-manuscript-unfortunately” letter. My characters are too improbable, they tell me. My setting, too exotic. Well, why not? One must escape.

  This is no job for a man–or woman, either. Unless, like Clarke, you can spend the day sitting and knitting your brows. Here’s one for him:

  When I was a lad I went to school

  And copied on the board the Golden Rule;

  Each day I copied in a Palmer hand–

  Not a word that I was writing did I understand!

  I copied on the board so carefully

  That now I am the Principal of Calvin C.!

  I would have included his Message to Garcia speech, but the only rhyme I could think of was Marsha. And I don’t know who she is. Too bad. It’s a memorable speech, an apt commentary on school. Everyone rushes urgently around to get the message in on time. But no one knows what the message is.

  Why do you refuse to be in my show? You don’t even have to sing.

  Paul

  * * *

  FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.

  TO: ALL TEACHERS

  Do not accept lateness excuses due to fire on the BMT today. This was checked by me with the Transit Authority. There was no fire on the BMT today.

  JJ MCH

  * * *

  TO: ALL TEACHERS

  Polio Consent slips are due in Health Office before 3 P.M. today.

  Frances Egan

  School Nurse

  * * *

  CIRCULAR # 42

  PLEASE KEEP ALL CIRCULARS ON FILE, IN THEIR ORDER

  TOPIC: PPP AND EMOTIONAL PROFILE EVALUATION

  TO ENABLE THE TEACHER TO GAIN A MORE PROFOUND INSIGHT INTO THE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS OF EACH STUDENT AND TO ACHIEVE A GRASP, IN TOTO, OF THE SOCIOECONOMIC FACTORS SHAPING HIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND PERSONALITY GROWTH, THE GUIDANCE OFFICE, AS A RESULT OF THOROUGH DEPTH-INTERVIEWS, HAS EVALUATED THE WHOLE CHILD IN RELATION TO ALL HIS AREAS IN THE PPP ON EACH PRC.

  ELLA FRIEDENBERG

  GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

  * * *

  FROM: The Health Office

  TO: Miss Barrett, Room 304

  CONFIDENTIAL MEDICAL REPORT

  Copy to: Mr. McHabe

  Miss Finch

  Rosen, Linda, of your official class, will be out of school until cleared by the Board of Health. Wassermann positive. She is to be carried on your register under Temporary Suspension.

  Lazar, Evelyn, of your official class, deceased two days ago, of infection following a self-induced AB, as attested by the Medical Examiner. She is to be taken off your register permanently.

  Frances Egan

  School Nurse

  Oct. 16

  Dear Ellen,

  Evelyn Lazar is dead. That’s the girl who asked to see me the day of the Faculty Conference. Perhaps if I had, she would be alive today. She died of an infection following an abortion she had tried to induce with a knitting needle, after she had run away from home. Now she’s but a name to be removed from the homeroom register. Permanently.

  Paul says: “Sauve qui peut! Think only of yourself. Getting involved does them no good.”

  Bea says: “You’re not God. Nothing is your fault, except, perhaps, poor teaching.”

  Henrietta says: “If you’ve kept them off the streets and given them a bit of fun for a while, you’ve earned your keep, such as it is.”

  Sadie Finch says: “Hand in before 3 locker number and book receipts for Lazar, Evelyn.”

  Ella Freud says: “Environmental influences beyond our control are frequently the cause of emotional disequilibrium.”

  And Frances Egan, the school nurse, left her nutrition charts long enough to tell me there was nothing that could have been done. “Evelyn had a rough time with her father,” she said. “Once she came in beaten black and blue.”

  “What did you do for her?”

  “I gave her a cup of tea.”

  “Tea? Why tea, for heaven’s sake?”

  “Why? Because I know all about it,” she flared, shaking with anger. “I know more than anyone here what goes on outside–poverty, disease, dope, degeneracy–yet I’m not supposed to give them even a band-aid. I used to plead, bang on my desk, talk myself hoarse arguing with kids, parents, welfare, administration, social agencies. Nobody really heard me. Now I give them tea. At least, that’s something.”

  “But you’re a nurse,” I said helplessly.

  She showed me the Directive from the Board posted on her wall: THE SCHOOL NURSE MAY NOT TOUCH WOUNDS, GIVE MEDICATION, REMOVE FOREIGN PARTICLES FROM THE EYE …

  Are we, none of us, then, allowed to touch wounds? What is the teacher’s responsibility? And if it begins at all, where does it end? How much of the guilt is ours?

  There was a discussion in the Teachers’ Lunchroom about it.

  Mary Lewis was shocked at the moral laxness of young people today. Surely, she said, the overworked teachers couldn’t be expected to add chaperoning to their long list of chores. Henrietta Pastorfield had nothing against sexual freedom–provided it was in the open. Had the girl been in her class, this wouldn’t have happened; her kids confided in her because she spoke their language. Fred Loomis said–sterilization–that’s the answer. Sterilize them and kick them out of school. Bea Schachter spoke of love; that’s what these children were starved for. Paul Barringer disagreed. They can’t handle love, he said; they know nothing about it. Amused detachment is the only way to remain intact. But we cannot remain intact if we teach, Bea said. And we must teach–against all odds, against all obstacles, in the best sense of the word. Nuts, said Loomis; kids don’t belong in school.

  There we sat in the jungle of a white porcelain table with an artificial rose in a plastic vase upon it, and a sign on the wall advising us to remove trays before leaving, each stalking his own path through the underbrush. After a while only Mary, Henrietta, Paul and I were left in the lunchroom. I tried to speak, but Mary cut me short:

  “I started out like you, too, but I found there’s nothing you can do, so you may as well give up. Just wait till you’ve been here as long as I–You work yourself to the bone, and no thanks from anyone. The more you do, the more they expect of you, and it’s the same in other schools, believe me. Here at least we have Sadie Finch and a couple of Aides to help, but no one really cares, and they just pile more and more on you. I’ve got no blackboard and they never fixed my radiator, and they stuck me with three preparations and Remedial Reading, and with the Late Room and the Junior Scholastics; and they made me volunteer to be Faculty Advisor to The Clarion, and I have to travel from the 3rd to the 5th floor with my varicose veins. In 23 years I’ve never been a minute late; I’m always the first to hand in reports–ask Finch–and I never complain; I just do my work, though everyone knows I have the worst homeroom kids in the school, and it takes all my energy just
to keep them quiet–before I even start teaching!”

  “If they’re restless,” Henrietta said, “I kid them out of it. It doesn’t matter how much they learn as long as they enjoy coming to school; at least, they’re exposed to learning. And they know they’re free to discuss anything with me–sex, anything. The kids feel I’m one of them; I’m pretty hep for an old maid.”

  “It’s nothing to joke about,” said Mary. “We make everything too easy for them. They’re so used to sugar-coating, they come to me with no idea about how to study or what a sentence is. How can they learn a foreign language if they don’t even know their own?”

  “The ones that want to, learn,” Henrietta said. “Take Bob–the best English student in the school. Writes like a dream–won the interscholastic essay contest–handsome, polite, a joy in the classroom. I don’t have to teach him to parse sentences.”

  “Because I did,” said Mary. “It’s your kind of newfangled pussy-footing and side-stepping that makes them illiterates. With me they get a solid foundation, the disciplines of learning. In my class they don’t get away with hot-air discussions and exchanging their opinions and describing their experiences. What opinions can they have? What have they experienced? What do they know? That’s an affront! They learn what I know!”