Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  The man made himself comfortable in my client’s chair while I dried my hands. I rolled my sleeves down and returned to my desk. I extended my hand to the man and said, “Cooper, Matt Coo...”

  “I know who you are,” he said, not bothering to shake my hand. “I want to hire you and I don’t hire anyone unless I’ve checked them out thoroughly. You’ll do.”

  “Stop,” I said. “All this flattery’ll to go to my head.” I settled into my swivel chair and lit a cigarette. I tossed the match with a flip of my wrist. It landed in the ashtray on my desk.

  His stern face kept its expression. “I need someone who can keep his mouth shut and get results. Are you that man or not? I don’t have a lot of patience, Mr. Cooper.”

  “Good thing you’re not a doctor,” I said.

  A puzzled look played on his face. “Huh?”

  “Never mind,” I said. “What do you want done?”

  His eyes studied me briefly. “I want you to find something for me,” he said producing a large manila envelope. He slipped a cellophane sheet from it and slid it across my desk in front of me.

  I picked up the sheet and examined it. It was about the size of a piece of typing paper and had a hole punched in one corner. In the middle of the sheet there were lines and circles and an arrow pointing to nothing. I slid it back across to him. I raised my eyebrows and pursed my lips and waited. After a few seconds of no response, I straightened up in my chair.

  “I give up,” I said. “What is it?”

  The man reached into his coat pocket. He held out his thumb and forefinger. Pinched between them was a bill—a crisp, new one hundred-dollar bill. He grabbed the other end of the bill and gave a quick jerk. It snapped and sounded just like a new bill should.

  “Is this enough to get you started?” he said, tossing the bill in front of me.

  “On what?” I said. “I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “I want you to find two other sheets like this one,” he said, tapping his right index finger on the cellophane sheet. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

  “Just like that?” I said.

  “Just like that. You find them and bring them to me and these’ll be yours as well.”

  He held a pile of similar bills wrapped in a brown paper band with some figures printed on it. He threw the bundle on my desk and I picked it up to see what it said—a dollar sign, a one and three zeros. I was holding a cool grand.

  I held the bundle up to my ear and flipped through the sheaf of bills rapidly. I looked at the money and back at the man. One eyebrow drew upwards.

  “You want it or not?” he said.

  “Only if I’m told the facts and I can handle it my way.”

  “Look, Cooper,” he started to say. He stopped himself, licked his lips and started again. “I need to know that what we talk about here today won’t go any further.”

  I nodded. “That’ll be easy,” I said, “since I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  He rose from the chair and started pacing. It was my day for pacers. The man strode over to the window and looked down onto Hollywood Boulevard. He turned back toward me and paced some more before returning to his seat.

  “My uncle was Miles McClellan. Maybe you’ve heard of him.”

  I said nothing and started to yawn.

  “McClellan,” he repeated. “McClellan Industries in Culver City.”

  “Oil and real estate,” I said. “And if I remember correctly, he was also a wizard of sorts in the field of chemistry.”

  “That’s him.”

  “Then you must be Andrew McClellan,” I said.

  He nodded and continued with his story. “Miles died three months ago and left three of these cellophane sheets. I got one and the other two disappeared mysteriously. I want you to find them. Period.”

  “Then what happens?” I said.

  “That’s none of your business,” he snapped. “You’re being paid to find the other two.”

  “And if I say no?” I said.

  The man leaned over the waste can, looked down at the mouse for a second and then up at me. “Well, then it looks like it’s back to your big-game safari. Now do you want it or not?”

  “Okay,” I said, prying his fingers from around my tie and returning to my seat. “I’ll bite. “Where do you suppose I should start looking for these other two sheets? I mean, it’s a big city out there.”

  Andrew deposited the clear sheet back into the manila envelope and stood. “You can start with my brother, Sonny. He has one.”

  I looked him over the way an orderly looks at a mental patient. “You wanna stop this ride?” I said. “I’m gettin’ off. If you already know where it is, you don’t need me.”

  Andrew sighed and settled back into his chair. “All right,” he said, leaning in toward me. “The sheet I have is useless without the other two. Laid one on top of the other, they form a complete map. I have one sheet and Sonny has another.”

  “And the third sheet?” I said.

  “My ex, Maggie has it,” he said. “She and Sonny aren’t exactly on my short list of close friends, you understand?”

  “I’m beginning to.”

  “Anyway, I offered to buy their sheets for a substantial sum and they both declined. Cooper, I want those two sheets.”

  “Whom do they belong to?” I said.

  “Whom?” McClellan said with something akin to admiration. “I’m impressed. “It’s rare to find a detective who’s tough and educated. To me,” he said. “They belong to me and I want them. Now are you going to take this job or do I have top take my money elsewhere?”

  “Look,” I said. “If they legitimately belong to you, all you have to do is go to the police and tell them that your ex and Sonny have something that belongs to you and they’ll look into it. Again, why do you need me?”

  McClellan sighed a long and heavy sigh. “All right. They don’t exactly belong to me,” he said. “My Uncle Miles had them tucked away and I managed to find one of them. I didn’t even know what it was or that there were two others until I started going through some of his other papers. He had a substantial sum tucked away for his later years. His later years arrived too soon and he never got to use it.”

  I frowned and drew my head back. “You mean to tell me with all his money he still had to tuck some away for a rainy day?”

  “He wasn’t as rich as most people thought he was,” Andrew said. “Most of his holdings were tied up in the business, which took a nose dive and the end of ‘39. This nest egg was the result of twenty-five years of skimming company profits.”

  “Do the other two know what they’ve got?” I said, snuffing my cigarette out in the desk ashtray.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t think so, but I’ve got to get them before they realize what they do have.”

  “And I’m supposed to find these other two sheets so you can scoop up the entire nest egg, correct?”

  “Correct.”

  “And what if the IRS gets wind of this booty?” I said.

  Andrew’s hand came out of his coat holding a .38 Colt. He pointed it in my face and pulled back the hammer. “They’d better not,” he said. “You’re the only other person who knows about it and if they find out, I’ll know where it came from. Do I make myself perfectly clear, Mr. Cooper?”

  “Clear as mud,” I said. “Now put that thing away before I blow your nuts off.”

  I could tell by the expression on his face that he had no idea what I was talking about. “Under the desk,” I said. “Better take a quick look.”

  He kept the gun pointed in my face but took a step backwards. His eyes momentarily shifted from mine to the area below the desk. My hand had a grip on the butt of my .45 and it was aimed squarely at his crotch. He looked back up at me and smiled a half-hearted smile.

  “Well done, Mr. Cooper. I applaud you.”

  I pulled the .45 up from under the desk and pointed it at his chest. “Kinda hard to applaud anything
when you’re holding that.”

  He returned the revolver to the nest under his arm. I held onto my .45 just in case he had second thoughts.

  “I’m gonna take this job, Mr. McClellan. And I would have done it for the grand until you decided to get tough. Now it’ll cost you.”

  “A grand,” he said. “That’s it. That’s all this job pays.”

  I slipped the C-note out from under the blotter and passed it back to him. “Uh uh. I don’t need the work that bad. Good day, Mr. McClellan.”

  McClellan plucked the cash from my desk and turned to leave but stopped before he’d reached my outer door. “You’re a hard man, Cooper. I like that. And I’ll tell you what I’ll do.”

  “No,” I said, “I’ll tell you. Two grand. One grand up front and the rest when I deliver the goods. Take it or leave it.”

  McClellan thought about it for a few seconds before an evil smile crept onto his face and stayed there. He pushed the hundred-dollar bill back over to my side of the desk and threw the wrapped pile of bills on top of it. “You drive a hard bargain.”

  “You drove, McClellan,” I said. “I was just a passenger until you decided to get tough.”

  “I want those two sheets.” He turned away, reached for the knob to my inner office and turned back toward me. “Fool. I would have paid four times that.” He opened the door.

  “And I would have done the whole job for the first hundred,” I said, laughing.

  The door closed and his footsteps echoed down the corridor. A single snap sound echoed faintly in the corner. “Two down, one to go,” I said, smiling. Maybe by the time I get back momma will be ready to join her kids in the trashcan.

  For the next three days nothing much happened and I was beginning to get bored. I normally don’t take divorce cases but my bank account was so low it had to reach up to tap me on the heel. I agreed to meet with Mrs. Lloyd Hastings. She told me that she thought her husband had a mistress and she asked me to tail Mr. Hastings. I told her I charged twenty-five dollars a day plus expenses and she agreed. She said she’d be more than happy to pay me—with his money.

  Discretion was not in Lloyd Hastings’ dictionary. It was the easiest tail job I’d ever taken. It was as if he wanted to get caught. Some guys are like that. They’d rather go through the whole routine with a setup like this and have someone else tell their wives the bad news than to calmly tell their wives themselves that they want a divorce. Mr. Hastings was no different. Maybe one day his new girlfriend would save enough to buy him a backbone.

  Within six hours I had all I needed to hang Lloyd Hastings out to dry but waited another day before reporting back to Mrs. Hastings. After all, fifty bucks is fifty bucks.

  I was at my desk making out a deposit slip for Madeline Hastings’ fifty-dollar check when I got a visitor. The doorknob wiggled back and forth a few times and then someone knocked. I unlocked the door and opened it. Standing in the doorway was a woman—a woman to make a Boy Scout leader leave his troops in the woods.

  Her hair was blonde and piled up under a large brimmed hat. She was wearing a long blue coat and carrying a small handbag. Her legs ended in a pair of blue high heels that made her calves jut out in smooth, flowing curves. She had bright red lipstick and light blue eye shadow accenting the bluest eyes this side of Beverly Hills. She looked to be about thirty and I was in love.

  “Mr. Cooper,” she said in a whispery voice.

  “Matt,” I whispered back. “Call me Matt, Miss…”

  “Mrs. McClellan,” she said in a purring cat-like voice. “Mrs. Andrew McClellan. Can we talk?”

  “Of course, Mrs. McClellan. Let me take your coat.” I helped her out of her coat. Her dress was another shade of blue accented with a petite white collar and thin white piping down the front. It was low cut, fit her like a glove and my mind went blank for a second.

  She caught me staring. “Done shopping yet?”

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. McClellan,” I said. “Won’t you have a chair?” I pulled out the chair next to my desk and invited her to sit. I lifted one leg and perched myself on the edge of my desk facing her. “What can I do for you?”

  She crossed her legs and those curvaceous calves led to a lovely pair of knees. I took a mental journey up those legs and breathed a deep breath before looking back up at her.

  “Mr. Cooper, I thought you might be able to answer a few questions about my husband.”

  I got down off the edge of my desk and took a seat behind it. “Mrs. McClellan,” I said, “what can I do for you?”

  Her story sounded similar to one I’d hear a few days earlier.

  “I’m afraid I can’t help you, Mrs. McClellan. I already have a client and the case could take me some time. Perhaps you could try…”

  “Mr. Cooper,” she said, “I know Andrew’s been here to see you. I know what he wanted and he’s not going to get it. Sonny and I know what we have and we also know that each piece is useless without the others. We need your services as well. Of course, I’d be willing to pay you well for your time.”

  “Did I mention conflict of interest?” I said. “Andrew’s contract with me prevents me from getting involved with you.”

  “Forget it,” she said, suddenly rising from her chair. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come here.” She grabbed her coat and started to leave.

  “Wait, Mrs. McClellan,” I said, standing behind my desk.

  She turned and smiled, “Maggie. Please, Matt, call me Maggie.” She handed me her coat and sat again.

  I broke out the office bottle and two glasses and set them on my desk. She smiled as I poured us each a drink. I could see it was going to be one of those days.

  That afternoon I gave Andrew McClellan a call to let him know of the latest developments in his search for the other two pieces of his puzzle. He said we could meet within the hour at the Griffith Park Zoo. He told me he’d meet me in front of the monkey cage.

  I was staring at a pair of chimpanzees when McClellan sidled up beside me. He was holding a bag of peanuts and began throwing several of them to the chimps. He held the bag out in front of me and I took two peanuts and tossed them into the cage and then turned to Andrew.

  “Come on,” I said, gesturing to a bench. “Let’s sit and I’ll lay it all out for you and you can decide how you want to play this.”

  We sat and Andrew peeled the shell off one of the peanuts and popped the nuts into his mouth. He offered me some but I waved him off.

  “So,” he said between chews, “what do we have?”

  “Maggie came to see me,” I said. “She and Sonny know what they have and they’re not willing to part with either of their pieces.”

  “So that’s it?”

  “Maybe not,” I said reassuringly. “There may be another way for everyone to come out on this deal.”

  “Yeah? How?”

  “Maggie says that she and Sonny would be willing to meet with you and the three of you could pool your pieces and split whatever you find. Way I see it, you don’t have much choice.”

  “I always have a choice,” McClellan said between his teeth. “They wanna play hard ball with me, I can play hard ball.”

  “Don’t you at least wanna hear them out?” I said.

  “Why should I?”

  “Because without the other two pieces,” I reminded him, “all you have is one sheet with meaningless scribbles. At least with the co-operation of Sonny and Maggie you’d have a chance of coming out ahead on this deal.”

  “Lemme think about it,” Andrew said, rising from the bench. “I’ll get back to you.”

  “Don’t think too long,” I said. “Remember, between Maggie and Sonny, they have two-thirds of the puzzle. Together they’re a lot closer to deciphering the sheets than you are and Maggie seems like the impatient type.”

  “I’ll have your answer tomorrow morning,” he said. “Your office, ten o’clock.”

  Before I could acknowledge or answer him, he was down the path heading for the parking lot. He’d left
the bag of peanuts on the bench so I picked it up and threw the remainder of the peanuts into the chimp cage before I left. From the sound of the noises coming from the cage over my shoulder, I guessed that the two chimps were having a better day than I was.

  Nine-thirty the following morning I left myself into my office and plugged in the coffee pot. I hung my coat on the rack, hanging my hat on top of that. I lifted my window an inch or so to let out the stale air and took a seat behind my desk. I had just put my feet up when I heard my outer office door open. Footsteps came closer before my inner office door opened. It was Maggie and she looked better than she had the last time she was here.

  “Good morning,” I said, holding out my palm toward the client’s chair. “Have a seat.”

  Maggie removed her coat and hung it next to mine. She pulled the chair out a little further and sat, staring out the window and first and not saying anything. She fidgeted with her purse clasp for a while before deciding what she was going to say. I let her go on fidgeting.

  “You look like you have something you want to tell me,” I said. “Do you?”

  “It’s Sonny,” she said nervously. “He was supposed to meet me earlier this morning and he didn’t show up. I’m worried.”

  “Meet you?” I said. “For what purpose?”

  She snapped and unsnapped the purse clasp again before finding the right words.

  “Up until now Sonny and I had been pretty guarded about telling the other what was on our piece of the puzzle. But once we got to talking, we realized that if we pooled out information that we might have a little better leverage when it came to Andrew. Who knows, once we laid our cards on the table, so to speak, and laid our puzzle pieces on top of each other, we wondered if we might be able to figure out the code with what we had and we could cut Andrew out altogether.”

  “And did you?”

  “That’s why we were going to meet this morning,” she said. “But Sonny never showed up. I figured he’d had a change of heart. Either that or something happened to him. Either way, I’m worried.”

  I pulled my feet off the desk and sat upright, leaning closer toward Maggie. “And just what was it you wanted me to do at this point?”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Maggie said. “I thought you might be able to find him or find out why he didn’t show up for our meeting.”