Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “Morning, Bill,” she said, already pouring me a cup of coffee.

  I sat at the counter again and she handed me the breakfast menu. I chose the special of eggs and bacon with a side of toast. There were only five or six other people in the diner as I ate. I called Agnes over to my stool.

  “Agnes,” I said. “Could I ask a favor of you?”

  “Name it,” she said, wiping her hands on her apron.

  “I was wondering if you could call Lee Harper and ask him to come down to the diner for a few minutes. There’s just a slight matter I need to talk to him about. He really doesn’t know me that well, and since he knows you a little better, I just thought he’d be more receptive to a call from you. What do you say?”

  “Sure, deary,” she said. “Just let me finish this last order and I’ll be glad to make the call for you.”

  Agnes scooped two eggs off of the griddle along with two bacon slices and placed two slices of toast on the plate with it and delivered it to a man at one of the tables. She wiped her hands again and grabbed the phone book that sat under her counter. She found Harper’s number and dialed it on the phone that sat around the corner in the kitchen. I couldn’t hear the conversation, but thirty seconds later she emerged and smiled at me.

  “He’ll be here in ten minutes,” she said, grabbing the coffee pot.

  “Thank you, Agnes,” I said, holding up my coffee cup for a refill.

  Eight minutes later Larry Harmon/Lee Harper walked in the front door and found Agnes behind the counter. He walked like a man in a hurry.

  “Now what’s all this about, Agnes?” Harmon asked.

  Agnes gestured toward me and I nodded to Harmon. “Guy over there wants to talk to you.”

  He stepped over to where I sat at the counter and took the stool next to mine. “Agnes says you want to talk to me,” Harmon began. “What’s this all about?”

  I picked up my coffee cup and stood. “Maybe we’d better take a booth in the back,” I said. “It’ll allow a little more privacy.”

  “Privacy?” he said. “For what?”

  “Trust me,” I said. “You don’t want to discuss this out here in the open.” I walked back to the last booth and slid in. Harmon followed me back and slid in across from me, folding his hands in front of him.

  “Okay,” he said impatiently. “I’ll give you five minutes, Lord knows why. What’s on your mind, Mr. Yates?”

  “Well,” I said, “to begin with, my name isn’t Yates. It’s Cooper, Matt Cooper.”

  “Okay, Mr. Cooper,” he said, “why did you have Agnes call me down here?”

  I looked at him sideways. “Is it all right if I call you Larry, or would you prefer Mr. Harmon?”

  “Larr…” he started to say and caught himself. “What?”

  “It is Larry Harmon, isn’t it?” I said.

  “I’m afraid you have me confused with…”

  I held a palm up. “Save it. I know the whole story, Mr. Harmon. Or is it really Mr. Harper?”

  His face drained itself of color and he went slack, resting his forehead on his clenched fists.

  “Look,” I said. “This isn’t a shakedown or anything like that. “Your wife hired me. Your other wife, that is. She wanted to know if you were cheating on her. Well, I guess technically you aren’t exactly having an affair, are you?”

  “Oh gees,” Harmon said. “How’d you find me?”

  “Wasn’t hard,” I said. “I’m a private investigator from Hollywood. Monica provided me with your work address, car info and schedule. I’ve been tailing you for the better part of a week now. You led me right to San Bernardino and the white house with the green shutters on Seventh Street.”

  Harmon sighed. He looked like he wanted to cry. “So what happens now?”

  “Well,” I began, “I was hired to find out if you were having an affair and then report back to Monica.”

  “And?”

  “I wouldn’t exactly call what you’re doing an affair now, would you?” I said.

  “It started out that way,” Harmon said, “And now I’ve got one big mess hanging over me.”

  “Looks like two big messes from where I sit,” I said. “So you started seeing Mrs. Harper and then married her?”

  Harmon shook his head. “Other way around. I was married to Darleen first. I met Monica on one of my sales trips to Burbank. I didn’t intend for it to go this far, but things just got out of hand.”

  “Boy, there’s the understatement of the year,” I said, not fully believing what I was hearing. “So, it looks like you may have to choose one or the other. You know which it’ll be?”

  “That’s just it,” Harmon said. “If I choose either one, the other will find out about it and then everyone will know. I’ll lose both families in the end. I love both families and I have been providing for both of them as best I could. I don’t want to lose either one, Mr. Cooper. If the truth comes out, everybody loses. And I have four children to think about.”

  This was a dilemma I had never encountered before. It was also playing on my conscious to have it in my power to split up these two families. I didn’t know exactly what I could do to bring this investigation to a satisfactory conclusion.

  “Mr. Harmon,” I started to say. “Wait a minute, what is your real name anyway?”

  “It’s Harper,” he said. “Lee Harper. I used the Larry Harmon name when I met Monica.”

  “But Larry Harmon really exists back in Burbank,” I said.

  “I know,” Harper said. “I got a full set of phony identification to go with my alter ego. It’s been hard juggling two families, two houses, two identities. I tell you, sometimes I almost slip and call out the wrong name to my wife. I’m surprised I haven’t yet. But it’s just a matter of time and it’ll all come falling down on me. I’m a nervous wreck some days.”

  “No kidding,” I said. “I tell you, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes for all the…”

  “Spare me, Mr. Cooper,” he said. “You can’t say anything to me that I haven’t already thought of myself.”

  I knew what I had to do, but I also knew that what I had to do and what I wanted to do wouldn’t necessarily be the same thing. I hesitated for a moment before I’d made up my mind. I looked Harper squarely in the eye.

  “This goes against everything I’ve ever stood for in the past,” I said. “All my professional life I’ve been upfront with my clients and have tried to give them their money’s worth for whatever it was they hired me to do for them. But in your case, or should I say, in Monica’s case, I don’t think it’s going to work out like that this time around. It’s just too complicated. Too many variables at play here.”

  “What are you saying, Mr. Cooper?” Harper said.

  “I’m saying that I should tell Monica what I’ve found and be done with it, but my gut tells me to stay out of it and let nature take its course. Or in your case, just to let the chips fall where they may. You just may be found out one day and it’ll all still fall in on you. And I can’t do anything about that. But this time, I am going to stay out of it. If you run up against any problems with your two families, I don’t want it to be because of anything I did or said. Do you understand?”

  Harper grabbed both my forearms and squeezed. “Bless you, Mr. Cooper. Bless you. I don’t know what I’d have done if either of them had found out.”

  “It’s not over yet, Mr. Harper,” I said. “When you get back to Burbank you’re gonna have to become the world’s best actor so that Monica doesn’t know that you know that she knows or you’re done for. Think you can do that?”

  A tear rolled out of each of Lee Harper’s eyes. He grabbed a napkin from the dispenser on the table and wiped them. He blew his nose and looked back at me again.

  “I can do it,” he said. “I don’t know for how long, but I’m gonna make an effort to be the best husband and father I can, to both families. You won’t be sorry, Mr. Cooper.”

  “Go on home to Mrs. Harper and the kids and enjoy your
weekend. Mrs. Harmon will expect you home on Monday, I presume.”

  Without a further word from either of us, I slid out of the booth, patted Lee Harper on the shoulder and left. On the way out I left a quarter with Agnes for the coffee.

  It was a crazy business I was in. I had the power to ruin the lives of seven people by just turning in my report as usual. I knew I’d sleep better if I didn’t. Monica Harmon would have to be satisfied with the knowledge that Larry was not having an affair. The rest she’d have to handle on her own.

  24 - Paper, Rock, Scissors

  I sipped from my coffee cup and tried to read the front page of the morning newspaper that Sergeant Dan Hollister was holding up in front of his face. Every time I thought I could finish a paragraph, he’d fluff the paper as he turned the page and I’d lose my place. This time when he turned the page he folded the paper in half horizontally and again vertically and turned it toward me to show me a picture of Harry Truman holding up a copy of the Chicago Daily Tribune. The headline on that issue of the Chicago paper read, DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN in large, bold letters and Truman was wearing a wide smile, because he’d actually won that election the day before.

  Dan pointed at the photo. “I’ll just bet there’s someone at the Tribune out looking for another job this morning. What a knucklehead move, printing that headline before all of the election results were tallied.”

  “Well,” I said, “The Tribune is a pro-Republican newspaper and I’ll bet they were just so sure that their man was going to take the election. What arrogance.

  “You watch,” Dan said. “Dewey’ll be back again four years from now and he’ll win. Mark my words.”

  “Don’t think so,” I said. “Give it six months and most people will be saying, ‘Dewey who’?”

  “We’ll see,” Dan said. “Too bad Eisenhower didn’t want to run this year. He might have been able to carry it all the way. I mean, with his war record and all.”

  I shook my head. “Poor guy’ll probably just fade away, like most old soldiers do.”

  Dan put down the paper and looked me squarely in the eye. “So, what do you think? You want to give Gladys a call and see if there’s a spark there?”

  I picked up my coffee cup and tried to ignore Dan.

  “Come on, Matt, give her a call. You two would make a perfect couple. She likes Italian food and you look somewhat Italian. You like Oldsmobiles and she owns a Buick. Same company, anyway. You both like the movies. It’s a match made in…”

  “…made in a diner,” I said. “You know blind dates never work out,” I was starting to get annoyed.

  “Matt,” Dan persisted. “Gladys could be Miss Right for all you know. You could be missing the chance of a lifetime to connect with your perfect woman.”

  “If she’s so perfect, why don’t you ask her out?”

  “I would, but my wife frowns on that sort of thing. Besides, you’re the one she want to go out with.”

  “Now, how do you know that?” I said.

  “Phyllis told me.”

  “Your wife? And who told her?”

  Dan leaned in closer. “Phyllis has known Gladys for several months. They had lunch together three days ago and Gladys asked about your status.”

  “I have a status?”

  “Look,” Dan said. “It couldn’t hurt to just sort of run into her accidentally, could it?”

  “Accidentally? You mean like the two of us walk into a restaurant and Phyllis just happens to be there with Gladys and everybody feigns surprise and tries to come up with some clever remark like, ‘What a coincidence,’ or ‘Fancy meeting you here,’ or something as equally transparent. No thanks.”

  Just then the diner’s front door opened and two women walked in together. They walked toward the back of the diner and just happened to have to walk right past our table. Dan looked up and his eyes widened.

  “Well, speak of the devil,” Dan said. “We were just talking about you.”

  Dan’s wife, Phyllis pointed to herself. “You were talking about me?”

  “Both of you,” Dan said.

  Gladys blushed but said nothing. Dan slid over to the far end of the booth and Phyllis slid in next to him. Gladys looked uncomfortable still standing and looked at the booth where I was sitting. I slid over reluctantly and she sat next to me.

  Dan gestured toward Gladys and said to me, “Matt Cooper, I’d like you to meet Gladys Cummings. Gladys, Matt.”

  Gladys extended her hand and I gave her mine. A single pump was all it took before I released her hand again. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Cooper.”

  “What Mr.?” Dan said. “Matt.”

  Gladys blushed. “Nice to meet you, Matt.”

  “Same here,” I said, and went back to sipping my coffee. This was uncomfortable as hell and I had no intention of dragging this out any longer than was absolutely necessary.

  Dan turned to his wife and said, “So what have you two been up to this morning?”

  Phyllis Hollister laid her hand on Dan’s forearm. “I found the most darling sofa for us, dear. I just have to show it to you.” And with that she stood and dragged Dan out of the booth and led him out the front door.

  I held up a finger and started to say something, but they were out the door and down the street before I could object. I didn’t dare look to my right toward Gladys, lest she engage me in some shallow, superficial conversation. I sipped my coffee some more and cleared my throat.

  “What’s that?” Gladys said.

  “Huh?”

  “I thought you said something.”

  “Nope, just clearing my throat.”

  The silence dragged on for a full minute before Gladys offered, “Phyllis tells me that she and Dan have known you since before the war.”

  “Uh huh.”

  Another thirty seconds dragged by silently before she said, “Dan tells me you used to be a policeman and that now you own your own private investigation business. That must be exciting. Are you on a case now?”

  “Uh uh.”

  “I’ll bet you’ve had some pretty thrilling cases in the past. What was the last one you worked on?”

  With very little enthusiasm I said, “It involved taking pictures of some guy who was trying to cheat an insurance company by claiming disability. Said he couldn’t work because of a back injury but I got photos of him using a jackhammer on his driveway and pushing a wheelbarrow full of cement around. Needless to say he didn’t get his disability checks anymore after that.”

  “My, weren’t you clever. I’ll bet he never even saw you taking his picture, did he?”

  I shook my head. “I stayed out of sight and used a long lens. Nothin’ to it.”

  “Did you ever have to put the cuffs on anyone?”

  I left out a long breath and said. “Look, you don’t have to feel like you have to stay for my benefit. I know this was all arranged and it must be just as awkward for you as it is for me.”

  She laid her hand on my arm. “Not at all, Matt. I’m enjoying myself.”

  “You are?”

  “Yes. Very much.”

  I could feel my body relax and my throat didn’t seem as dry. I sipped my coffee again and then realized Gladys didn’t have a cup. “Excuse me,” I said. “Where are my manners? Would you like a cup of coffee?”

  “No thank you, Matt. I don’t drink coffee but I could go for a Coke.”

  I held my hand up and waved down a waitress and asked her to bring one Coke to the booth. She brought a bottle and set it and the glass and a straw in front of Gladys.

  Gladys stuck the straw into the glass, sipped and then turned to me. “Thank you, Matt.”

  I nodded and smiled but still couldn’t think of anything worthwhile to talk about. We remained silent for another minute while Gladys sipped her Coke and I finished my coffee. Gladys actually wasn’t that bad looking now that I thought about it. I hadn’t really looked that closely at her until now. She had shoulder-length brown hair and big brown eyes with long lashes. Her skin
was smooth and clear with a rosy glow on her cheeks; at least the cheek facing me.

  Gladys slid out of the booth and slid back in on the opposite side, facing me.

  “Don’t tell me my deodorant gave out already,” I said, lifting my arm and pretending to smell my armpit.

  Gladys giggled. “No, silly. It’s just easier to talk to you if I can see your face. It was kind of hard to see you sitting next to you like that. This is better, don’t you think?”

  I had to admit, it was easier to catch the expressions on her face and to see the twinkle in her eyes when we talked. But it had still been a long time since I’d been out on a date with anyone. My first wife had died all those years ago and here I was in my late thirties with all those same feelings I used to get back in high school. And you know what? It feels good.

  “So tell me,” I said, now able to look Gladys in the face. “What do you do, I mean, for a living?”

  “Me? I’m a florist. I work in a flower shop on Sunset.”

  “Been at it long?”

  “Couple of years,” Gladys said. “Before that I worked in a defense plant riveting airplane panels, but that job ended when the war ended.”

  “Quite a contrast,” I said. “From riveting to flowers.”

  “It took come getting used to,” she said. “But I just love what I do now.”

  “What about before the war? What’d you do?

  “Oh, nothing as exciting as riveting,” she said. “I was a secretary to the claims adjuster at a national insurance company. Boring work. I learned to sleep with my eyes open. When the war broke out, I saw an opening at Lockheed and jumped at a chance to get out of the insurance business.”

  “That makes for quite a resume’. And you say you like what you’re doing now?”

  “Better than any other job I’ve ever had. I get to use some of my artistic creativity every day.”

  “And I’ll bet you’re good at it, too.”

  “Thanks, Matt.” She paused and then added, “You off today?”