Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “Yeah yeah,” I said. “I can take care of myself.” I hung up and stepped into my bedroom and opened the closet. I pulled my spare .38 off the shelf and made sure it was loaded. I practiced tucking it into my waistband behind me and pulling my jacket down over it. I practiced pulling it out smoothly and quickly. I had no idea if and when I’d have to do that, but I wanted to be ready just the same.

  I grabbed another cup of coffee and tried to relax for another hour but found it hard to settle down. I was too nervous and that wasn’t like me. I’d faced similar circumstances before, but I always knew what I was getting into. It was the not knowing that put my nerves on edge.

  Ten o’clock rolled around and I ran through one more try of pulling my .38 out of my waistband. It was now or never and I tucked the gun back behind me and left the house. I drove to the corner of Ivar and Yucca, just two blocks from the meeting place. I parked the car at the curb and walked the last two blocks to Cahuenga and Franklin. I found the bar Clark had mentioned and walked around to the back. Clark was standing there waiting for me. He pointed his chin at me when he saw me and smiled.

  “I wasn’t sure you’d really come,” Montgomery said.

  “You kidding me?” I said. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

  “Come on,” Montgomery said, gesturing toward me. “Follow me.”

  He led me to a fire escape ladder that was hanging down from the back of the building. He grabbed the first rung and pulled it toward him, dragging the ladder down. He stepped on the first rung and climbed upward, looking back to make sure I was still with him. We climbed all the way to the top and stepped onto the roof. We walked over toward the edge and stopped. Clark pointed to a phone booth kitty corner from the bar below us.

  “That’s where she’ll be at exactly ten-thirty,” Montgomery said. “Right there in the phone booth, a sittin’ duck.”

  “What makes you so sure she’ll be there?” I said.

  “Trust me,” Montgomery said. “If I know Mary, she’ll be there all right. You just wait and watch.”

  “Okay,” I said. “So you get her into the phone booth. So what?”

  Montgomery reached over and grabbed a blanket, pulling it toward himself. Under the blanket sat a high-powered rifle with a scope attached. He grabbed it by the handle and passed it over to me. I held it in my hands and smiled.

  “This?” I said. “You’re gonna get her with this?”

  Montgomery smiled a wicked smile and nodded. “By the time any cops can respond I’ll be long gone and all they’ll find is this rifle.”

  “But won’t they connect it to you?” I said.

  “Impossible,” Montgomery said. “It’s not mine.”

  I looked puzzled. “Then whose is it?”

  “Beats me,” he said. “But the guy who sold it to me assured me that the real owner won’t even miss it for another two weeks when he gets back from vacation. Clever, huh?”

  “You’ve got all the bases covered, don’t you?” I said.

  “I ain’t takin’ no chances with this bitch,” he said, his disdain for her dripping from every word. “She’s goin’ to hell where she belongs.”

  I laughed, trying to hide my fear. “Then you’ll help me with my wife?” I said.

  “Sure thing,” Montgomery said. “First things first, though. Let’s just sit here and wait for Mary to show her ugly little head.”

  “Sounds like you did some major planning on this one,” I said.

  “I didn’t leave anything to chance,” Montgomery said. “I stashed this rifle up here last night after it got dark. I’ve been checking this location out for weeks now. This is the perfect vantage point and it is perfect for a fast getaway. Can’t miss.”

  I nodded my approval and sat resting my back against the short wall that lined the roof edge.

  Montgomery checked his wristwatch and then looked over at me. “Ten twenty-five,” he announced. “Won’t be long now.”

  I peeked over the top of the wall and looked down at the phone booth. It was still empty. “You said you were sure she’d show up at the phone booth at exactly ten-thirty,” I said. “How can you be so sure?”

  “Because just before you got here,” Montgomery said, “I called her at home and told her that two men had grabbed me off the street and were demanding money from me. I told her that they said they’d kill me if I didn’t come up with ten grand. I made up some story about how they let me make one call and that I’d called her. I even cried on the phone—another skill I have—and told her that they’d call her at the phone booth on Cahuenga and Franklin at exactly ten-thirty with further instructions.”

  “I thought you said you two didn’t get along,” I said. “Why would she care what happens to you?”

  “Normally she wouldn’t give a damn,” Montgomery said. “But I know she’s always had a soft spot for me when she thinks I’m helpless. Some women are just like that. They’ll take a beating or verbal abuse from some guy and then refuse to leave him with some lame excuse about still loving him and being sure that he can change. Hogwash, I say. But if it gets me what I want, hell, I’m not above a little crying.”

  Montgomery peeked over the top of the wall and then ducked back down in a hurry. He turned to me. “She’s coming,” he said. “Get ready.”

  I started to rise up to peek over the roof when Montgomery pulled me back down. “Stay down,” he said. “I may only get one shot and I gotta make it count.”

  Montgomery pulled the bolt back on the rifle, loading a round into the chamber. He pulled the safety off and wrapped the shoulder strap around one hand, making sure he had a good grip on the weapon. I started to reach for the .38 in my waistband when I looked past Montgomery at the next rooftop. I spotted Dan and I know he saw me. He shook his head, waved me off and then ducked back down. I released the grip on my .38 and waited.

  Two seconds later Montgomery rose up, rested the rifle on the ledge, took a deep breath and fired. I flinched and jumped back a bit as Montgomery sat back down, unwrapped his hand from the shoulder strap and squatted while he duck-walked away toward the fire escape. He hadn’t even gotten to the first rung when Dan popped his head up, pointing his .38 police special in front of him.

  “Back up,” Dan barked at Montgomery.

  Montgomery backed up and waited while Dan and two other officers climbed up onto the rooftop. I quickly ran to the ledge and looked down at the phone booth. Mary Montgomery was standing there with a uniformed officer, waving up at me and smiling.

  I turned back and caught Dan’s attention. “What the…?”

  Dan slapped a pair of cuffs on Montgomery’s hands and spun him around to face him again. Montgomery looked down to see the .38 in my hand as well. He looked up at me.

  “What the hell’s going on here, Coulter?” Montgomery said.

  “It’s not Coulter,” I said. “It’s Cooper. Matt Cooper and I’m a licenses private investigator. Mary hired me to protect her.”

  “Why you…” Montgomery began to say but stopped when one of the officers yanked on his elbow.

  I looked over at Dan. “How did…? “What did…? “When…?”

  “The rifle?” Dan said. “That’s why I waved you off from the other roof. We needed to have him actually take a shot at Mary to make the charges stick.”

  “But he couldn’t have missed from here,” I said. “That’s a very accurate rifle and with the scope and everything, I thought, well…”

  “So did we,” Dan said. “But like I told you earlier we’ve had this entire area staked out for two days now. And when Einstein here showed up here an hour ago to check on his rifle, that’s when we made our move. It’s been lying there under that blanket since last night. We knew it would be just a matter of time before he came back to make sure it was still there. That gave us plenty of time to check it out, find out the caliber and get back here in plenty of time. We waited until he climbed back down the fire escape to meet with you before we sneaked over here and did our thing.”

/>   “Blanks?” I said, gesturing toward the rifle.

  “Blanks,” Dan said smiling slyly at Montgomery.

  “Blanks,” Montgomery said. “I might have known.”

  Dan looked at the officer who had a grip on Montgomery’s elbow. “Take him downtown,” Dan said. “Book his on attempted murder, three counts.”

  “Yes sir,” the officer said, pulling Montgomery toward the fire escape.

  I tapped Dan on the arm. “Come on,” I said. “I think Mary’s gonna wanna talk to both of us.”

  Dan and I descended the ladder to the alley and found Mary and the officer she’d been standing with at the phone booth waiting for us. When she saw me she threw her arms around my neck, buried her head in my chest and cried. I held on a little too tight, too.

  When she stopped crying she stepped back and wiped her eyes. “Thank you, Matt,” she said and then turned to Dan. “Thank you, too, sergeant.”

  Dan put his arm around Mary’s shoulder and pulled her close to him. “ I told you we’d get him,” he said. “Come on, let’s all go downtown and make this official.”

  30 - Love Finds Matt Cooper

  Hard to believe how fast the last six months have flown by since I’d worked on Mary Montgomery’s case involving a no-good husband who wanted her dead. I’d had several other cases since then, but none that stuck in my memory like that one did. Detective sergeant Dan Hollister managed to get himself promoted because of the outcome of that case. Now when I called the precinct I had to ask for Lieutenant Hollister. And he took every opportunity to remind me of that fact whenever he could fit it into the conversation.

  Well, today I did have occasion to call on my friend and one time superior on the force. Dan had asked me last week to remind him when the next John Wayne movie was coming to our favorite neighborhood theater. I had checked the newspaper listings earlier this morning and found out that not only was there a John Wayne picture playing in three different theaters, but there were also several others that I really wanted to see, with or without Dan’s company.

  Wayne had been a busy boy. At the Pantages Theater they were playing his war picture, Sands of Iwo Jima. At Grauman’s Chinese Theater they were screening his western epic, She Wore a Yellow Ribbon. And at the Hollywood Theater they were showing the historical piece titled, The Fighting Kentuckian. Now, although I like John Wayne movies as a rule, sight unseen, I’d ruled out the last one only because it co-starred Oliver Hardy and I didn’t see any need for The Duke to have a comical sidekick. But then that’s just me.

  The last John Wayne picture I saw was Fort Apache, so I didn’t really want to see him in another western so soon. That dropped She Wore a Yellow Ribbon out of my list of choices. By process of elimination that only left Sands of Iwo Jima.

  I called the twelfth precinct and asked for Sergeant Hollister. The desk sergeant who’d answered the phone quickly said, “We don’t have a Sergeant Hollister here at the twelfth. We have a Lieutenant Hollister.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “That’s who I meant, Lieutenant Hollister. Could you connect me, please?”

  “Lieutenant Hollister’s office,” his secretary, Hannah said in her usual cheery voice.

  “Hannah, it’s Matt Cooper,” I said. “Is Dan in?”

  “Just like that?” Hannah said. “Whatever happened to ‘Hannah, my dear, how are you doing? Or Hannah, why don’t you run away with me?’ Now it’s just ‘Is Dan in?’ Looks like the magic’s gone out of this relationship.”

  “Relationship?” I said. “Is that what your husband would call it?”

  “Oh yeah,” Hannah said. “I almost forgot about him. But don’t forget, if anything happens to Burt, you’re at the top of my list.”

  “You have a list?” I said, echoing back to Hannah what she’d said to me a while back when I’d told her that she was on my list. “And how’d I make it to the top? I’d have thought you’d be reserving that spot for Frank Sinatra.”

  “Frankie’s taken,” Hanna said. “Now Victor Mature, there’s a movie star worthy of my number one spot.”

  “I didn’t know someone like that made your heart go pitter-pat,” I said. “Hey, did you know he’s got a new movie out?”

  “I know,” Hannah said. “Samson and Delilah, with Hedy Lamarr, that bitch.”

  “What makes her a bitch?” I said.

  “Because she’s got him and I don’t,” Hannah said.

  “Such is life,” I said. “So, getting back to my original question, is Dan in?”

  “Hold on,” Hannah said, sighing.

  A moment later Dan came on the phone. “Lieutenant Hollister speaking.”

  “Lieutenant, eh?” I said. “Did you tell me that once before, because I’d have remembered something that important?”

  “I’ve only been reminding you for the past four months, Matt,” Dan said.

  I laughed. “I know, I just thought maybe by now they’d have made you a captain.”

  “Lieutenant will do nicely for now,” Dan said. “I have to get used to all that extra weight on my shoulders.”

  “They’re just cloth bars,” I said. “What can they possibly weigh?”

  “It must be psychological then,” Dan said. “So, to what do I owe the honor of your call this time, Mr. Cooper?”

  “Don’t you remember?” I said. “You told me to remind you when another John Wayne picture was showing in town. You still wanna go?”

  “When?”

  “Tonight,” I said. “The Duke’s at the Pantages in Sands of Iwo Jima. Supposed to be really good. You in?”

  “Hang on,” Dan said.

  I could hear him lay the phone down on his desk and then page through his appointment book. He picked up the phone again.

  “I have something going until five-thirty,” Dan said. “How’s that work out?”

  “The show starts at five-twenty,” I said. “Can’t you slip away early from whatever it is they have you doing?”

  “I don’t think so,” Dan said. “When’s the next showing?”

  “Seven-fifteen,” I said. “Does that one work for you.”

  “Seven-fifteen it is,” Dan said. “How about if I just meet you out in front of the theater at seven? That’ll give us plenty of time to grab some candy and catch the coming attractions.”

  “And the cartoon,” I said. “It’s a new Popeye. All right, seven in front of the theater.”

  “Right,” Dan said. “Gotta run now. You know how busy we lieutenants are.” Dan hung up without giving me a chance to one-up him with a clever comeback.

  It was nearly four-thirty and I didn’t feel like driving home to change clothes. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like hanging around my office until seven, either. I flipped though the movie listing section of the paper again and saw ads for several other movies that looked good. I could play it safe and catch Jimmy Stewart in The Stratten Story. Stewart had never let me down in any move yet.

  Then there was Mighty Joe Young, but from the picture in the ad it looked like a cheap remake of King Kong, so I passed on that one. Downtown they were showing Broderick Crawford in a movie called All the King’s Men. Since I had no idea what it was about, I didn’t want to take a chance that the rotund Crawford would be playing a version of the Humpty Dumpty character. That would have brought back too many bad memories from my Mother Goose Murder Case a couple of years ago.

  After dismissing the first three movies, the choice was obvious. I’d go and see Bing Crosby in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. At least I knew what that was about, having read the Mark Twain book that the movie was based on. I liked movies with knights and I also liked the concept of time travel, so this would be the perfect fit for me. I could just make this movie if I hurried. When it ends, I’ll still have plenty of time to get out of there and drive over to the Pantages Theater to meet Dan at seven o’clock.

  I drove downtown to the theater and parked at the curb around the corner. I glanced at my wristwatch. It was four-forty and the
movie would be starting in another five minutes. I began to run toward the theater. As I rounded the corner, I bumped into a woman who was walking in the same direction. She dropped her purse and the contents spilled out onto the sidewalk. I stopped and held both palms out toward her.

  “Excuse me,” I said.

  Without looking at me, the woman said, “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?” Then she looked up and our eyes locked. Her tone softened immediately.

  “I said excuse me,” I repeated, bending over. “Here, let me help you pick those things up.” I started grabbing for a lipstick tube that was rolling toward the curb. I handed it to her and she dropped it into her purse. When she had everything back where it had been, I stood and held my hand out to help her to her feet.

  She grabbed my hand and I pulled her up next to me, brushing off whatever dirt I may have transferred to her when I bumped her. She looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties and was neatly dressed. Her brown hair had flown into her face as we collided, but when she brushed it back I could see her beautiful brown eyes. They seemed to twinkle and my heart skipped a beat.

  “Were you going to that theater?” I asked.

  She looked at me indignantly. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I was,” she said, walking away from me.

  I caught up to her and turned toward her. “So was I,” I said.

  “Good for you,” the woman said and kept walking.

  “Please,” I said. “You have to let me pay for your ticket. It’s the least I can do, considering.”

  “Considering you’re clumsy?” She said.

  I raised my eyebrows. “It would make me feel better,” I said. “And it would help make up for knocking your purse to the ground.”

  “Yeah,” she said. “Forty cents should cover it.”

  “Fifty,” I corrected her. “And I’ll throw in some popcorn.”

  The woman suddenly realized that she might have been acting unreasonably rude and smiled. “All right,” she said. “Movie and some popcorn, but that squares us. You don’t owe me another thing.”