Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “I left them in Earl’s office,” Jerry said. “Just give me a minute. I’ll be right back.” He looked back at us and added, “Now don’t go away.”

  “Where were we going to go? He had my keys. From now on I planned on carrying a spare car key with me wherever I went.

  Jerry returned with Earl at his side. He’d called in the reinforcements and I knew they were going to double-team me.

  “Mr. Cooper,” Earl said. “You’ve got to help me out on this one.”

  “I do?” I said. “Why?”

  “We want to put you in the sports coupe today,” Earl said. “But we don’t want to be buried in your trade. You understand, I’m sure.”

  Jerry sat back in his swivel chair, practicing his concerned looks. If this had been a police station, Earl and Jerry would have been using their ‘good cop-bad cop’ routine on me. Here, I guess you could call it their ‘good salesman-bad salesman’ routine where Earl pretended to be on my side.

  It was two and a half hours later when Gloria and I drove off the lot in my new car, three thousand dollars poorer for the experience. At least I got the dealership to throw in free car washes for a month.

  Earl called Jerry into his office and the two sat looking over the deal they’d just made with Elliott Cooper.

  “Nice job on those two,” Gardine said.

  “Hey,” Jerry replied, “I just took a passage from the bible.”

  “Huh?” Earl said.

  “I saw a stranger and took him in,” Jerry said, laughing. “Boy, those two must have walked in with ‘Sucker’ tattooed across their forehead. I got their trade for virtually nothing. Seventy-five bucks will get it ready for the lot and I have some poor slob from Encino just chomping at the bit to get a car like this. Man, if making money was any easier, it’d be illegal.”

  Earl looked over the figures again before turning around to enter Jerry’s name on the wall chart of monthly sales figures. “You know,” he said, “One more deal will put you over the top. Today’s the last day of the month and you’re top salesman once again. I hate to be without you for two weeks, but it looks like you just might win that vacation.”

  Jerry smiled and sat leaning back with his fingers locked behind his head and his right ankle draped over his left knee. “I need it, I earned it, and I’m gonna enjoy it. Boy oh boy, two weeks in Europe, all expenses paid. I can’t wait. Thank you Elliott Cooper, you dope.”

  “Not so fast,” Earl reminded him. “Peterson has twelve sales this month, too. It could just as well go to him.”

  “Not a chance,” Jerry said. “I may only have twelve sales, but I’ve got an ace up my sleeve. Did you forget about Marvin Daniels coming in tonight?”

  “Daniels?” Earl said. “The guy who wants the motor home? That Daniels?”

  “That’s my pigeon,” Jerry said. “He’s coming in at eight tonight and I’m gonna pluck him. Says he won’t see anyone but me. He’s in the bag and that motor home has a spread of fifteen thousand dollars. Even if I have to work him for a while I’m sure to end up with at least a twelve grand profit. If that doesn’t put me over the top, nothing will.”

  “Well, just make sure you’re back here in plenty of time to meet with him,” Earl said. “I don’t want to lose that deal.”

  “No sweat,” Jerry said confidently. “I’ll be back from the bank and dinner by seven-thirty easy. I’m so sure I’ve got this vacation in the bag, I’m taking five grand out of my bank account in cash for spending money in Europe. So, if you’ve got nothin’ else for me, I’ve worked up a healthy appetite fleecing Elliott. See ya later.”

  Jerry hung a dealer plate on the back of the sedan and drove out of the lot with Elliott Cooper’s trade-in. Jerry’s house was only fifteen minutes from the dealership and it was only three o’clock. That left him plenty of time to stop at the bank, go home, eat a good supper and make it back in plenty of time to sell a motor home.

  I drove toward home in my new car, not really sure if I’d acted too hastily. I turned toward Gloria and said, “You know, Gloria, somehow I get the feeling that I was taken. I just have a gut feeling that that salesman wasn’t totally honest with me.”

  “Well, Elliott,” she said, “If you feel that way why not stop in at another car lot just to compare. I know it’s a little late now, but it may put your mind to rest.”

  I agreed and the two of us drove across town to the dealership that sold the same model I’d just bought. I drove onto the lot and cruised up and down the rows of cars. I stopped when I spotted the same make and model as my new car. Gloria and I got out and began scanning the window stickers.

  “Look at all of these, Gloria,” I said, a sick feeling coming over me.

  Gloria stood alongside me. She was staring at the window stickers. “Why, all of these cars are priced more than fifteen hundred below what you paid. How can that be?”

  “I’ll tell you,” I said. “They altered their stickers with all kinds of dealer add-ons to jack the price up and make it seem like their car had more options. First thing tomorrow I’m going back there and give them a piece of my mind.”

  “Can’t we put it behind us for today, Elliott?” Gloria said, squeezing my hand. “You promised me a picnic today and I don’t want anything to spoil it for us.”

  “Oh, all right,” I said, reluctantly. “Let’s go back to your place and get the picnic supplies. It makes me too mad to even think about that fast talking son-of-a-no good so and so.”

  Gloria and I loaded my new car with her picnic supplies and food and pulled out of her driveway. Our favorite picnic spot was a roadside rest stop just a few miles from Gloria’s home. We’d passed it on the way to the car lot earlier that day. I pulled my new car into the parking lot of the rest stop at quarter to six and began unpacking for our picnic. It was late in the day on the last day of the summer season and mine was the only car in the parking lot.

  Jerry Bernard had completed his banking by five o’clock, finished his dinner and still had time to relax for a few minutes. At quarter to six his phone rang. Jerry swung his stocking feet off the footstool and hurried into the kitchen to answer the phone.

  “Jerry,” the panicked voice on the other end said, “You’d better get back here right away.” It was Earl Gardine, Jerry’s sales manager.

  “What’s wrong, Earl?” Jerry said.

  “Marvin Daniels is here about the motor home and he’s asking for you. Says he won’t talk to anyone else. Get back here right away.”

  “Daniels wasn’t supposed to be in until eight,” Jerry said, slipping into his shoes.

  “I know,” Earl said, “But he’s catching an earlier plane and wants to finalize this deal before he leaves. Says he only has half an hour to do this. He won’t be back for another five weeks. I’ll try to stall him as long as I can, but get back here now.”

  “I’m on my way,” Jerry said, slapping the phone back into its cradle and slipping into his suit jacket. He grabbed the keys to Elliott Cooper’s trade-in and sped off down the road. Jerry eyed the speedometer as he made his way around the mountain pass. He was within the limit and still had twenty-five minutes to cover ten more miles. No sweat, he thought.

  Gloria passed the wrapped sandwich to me and took one herself. I poured two glasses of Champagne and offered one to my partner. We toasted and ate and momentarily forgot about the fleecing Jerry had put me through earlier that day.

  “To us,” I said, clinking my glass against Gloria’s.

  “To us,” Gloria repeated, a smile playing on her face.

  As he drove, Jerry mentally calculated the profit from the sale of the motor home. He looked in the rear view mirror. “Who’s the baddest salesman around?” He winked at his reflection and answered his own question. “It’s you, baby. Look out London, Paris, Madrid and Rome. Jerry Bernard is coming to your town.”

  His daydream of profit was cut short by a sputtering sound coming from under the hood. The car hesitated briefly before lurching forward again. A few sec
onds later it sputtered again and the engine died altogether. Jerry coasted silently down the mountain road, swearing at the car at the top of his lungs. He looked at his fancy gold wristwatch. It was ten past six. “Damn,” he said, slamming his palm on the steering wheel. He was still eight miles from the dealership and stuck out on some lonely road with very little traffic.

  Ahead he saw the rest stop with a car parked in one of the stalls. Time was of the essence and he had no time to try to fix the car or call for help. He had to get these people to drive him back to the dealership. He just had to.

  Jerry coasted into the parking lot and came to a stop next to the car that was already parked there. He recognized it immediately and muttered, “Oh, no. Anyone but them.”

  He weighed his options and came up with only one—he had to get Elliott Cooper to drive him back into town right away. Jerry slid out of the car and ran over to the picnic table where his customers sat enjoying their meal.

  “Well, Elliott and Gloria,” Jerry said in his insincere voice. “What a pleasure to see you both. Out enjoying that new car, I see. Isn’t it a dream to drive?”

  I looked up from my sandwich at the man who’d financially raped me hours earlier. “Yeah,” I said casually, “It’s okay.” I turned back to Gloria and continued with my sandwich.

  “Listen, Mr. Cooper, er, uh, Elliott,” Jerry said, “I seem to be having some mechanical problems with the car you traded in and I need to get back to the lot right away. Do you think you could drive me there?”

  I contained my anger and pointed to the seat across from where I sat. “Won’t you join us, Jerry?” I said with a sarcastic twinge in my voice.

  “Normally I’d love to,” Jerry said anxiously, “But I have to get back to the lot right away. About that ride...”

  “Sure thing, Jerry,” I said. “Just as soon as we finish our dinner. Shouldn’t take more than half an hour or so. You might as well have a sandwich while you’re waiting.”

  “You don’t understand,” Jerry said. “I need to get back right now. It’s very important. Please, Elliott.”

  I looked into Gloria’s eyes while I spoke to Jerry. “Jerry, I promised Gloria this picnic and I can’t break that promise. You understand about promises, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Jerry said impatiently. “Look, maybe I could just borrow your car for a few minutes. I’ll be back before you finish your dinner. What do you say?”

  I looked at Gloria and the two of us shook our heads in unison. “I don’t think so, Jerry,” I said. “My business insurance only covers the two of us. That would be putting all of us in an awkward situation if you were to damage my new car. No, I’m afraid that just won’t do.”

  Jerry looked at his watch. If he left now he could still make it back to the lot in time to finalize the deal he needed to put him over the top and win that European vacation. “Okay,” he said, reaching into his pocket and retrieving his five thousand dollar vacation roll. “Here’s a hundred bucks to drive me back to the lot right now.” Jerry peeled off one of the bills and laid it on the table in front of me.

  I looked up at Jerry and smiled. “Jerry,” I said, “It’s not about the money. I said I’d drive you back when we’re finished here. Now if you’ll just be patient I’ll...”

  Jerry peeled off two more bills and laid them down on top of the first one. “Three hundred,” he said. “Will that do it?”

  I ignored Jerry and his money for a few seconds, looked Gloria and then back at Jerry. “Well,” I said, and started to get up. Jerry smiled a wide smile. A second later I sat back down. “No, it just wouldn’t be right. I promised Gloria a picnic and, well, you know how it is with promises.”

  Jerry’s smile dropped off his face. “Look,” Jerry said. “What do you want? Five hundred? A grand? What?”

  I smiled a sly smile and stood up. I walked Jerry over to where my new car sat and pointed to it. “Tell you what, Jerry,” I said. “I couldn’t help noticing that you had your eye on this new sports coupe,” I said, turning my head away slightly but still looking at Jerry from the corners of my eyes the way a fox eyes a chicken. “That’s a smart move. You know this model is so popular they just can’t keep them in stock. Or so I’ve been told.”

  A look of disbelief fell over Jerry’s face. The shoe was on the other foot now and he didn’t like the feeling of being on the receiving end.

  “Yes,” I continued in my salesman voice, “This model is so popular that some dealers are actually charging more than the window sticker.” I looked back and forth as if to see if anyone could overhear our conversation. “But you know, just between you and me, I think I can put you in this baby for a lot less. And that’s a promise, Jerry.”

  I looked over at my old car and then back at Jerry. I crooked my index finger and motioned Jerry to lean in closer. “Now take that model you drove up in, for example,” I said. “I noticed the exhaust was leaking and the rear tires look like they could go any time now. You gotta ask yourself if you want to put yourself at risk like that.”

  “Now wait just a minute, Elliott,” Jerry said.

  I held my palms up, thumbs touching and framed Jerry’s face in them. I moved the frame over to the new car. “It’s you, Jerry. I can see you now tooling down the highway with your sales manager by your side. I can just imagine your boss’s face when you pull onto the lot in this.”

  Time was running out and Jerry had to act fast. “Okay, Elliott, what do you want?”

  I looked at Gloria, who was still enjoying her sandwich. I looked back at Jerry. “Wait right here,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”

  I ran back to the picnic table and bent over to confer with Gloria. A few seconds later I stood next to Jerry again with a piece of paper with some figures on it. I handed it to Jerry.

  “My manager, I mean my partner there, says we can put you into this baby for only this much,” I said, pointing to the bottom line on the paper.

  Jerry looked back at Gloria, who’d just turned in her seat to smile and wave at him. Jerry turned back to me and grimaced. His options had run out. Jerry held out the whole roll of bills. I quickly relieved him of the entire five thousand dollars as I exchanged keys with Jerry and patted him on the back. In a cloud of dust and a squeal of tires, Jerry was down the road and gone.

  “How’d he take it,” Gloria asked.

  “He drove a hard bargain, but I think we can live with it,” I said.

  “That’s quite a technique you’ve got there, dear,” Gloria said, counting the hundred dollar bills as she laid each one on the table.

  “Hey,” I replied, “I just took a passage from the bible.”

  54 - Come Fly With Me

  “Come on, Elliott,” Gloria said impatiently. “We have to get going or we’ll miss our plane. The San Francisco Police Department is not going to wait for you playing your games. We need their help on this case, so let’s get a move on, mister.”

  I clicked a few more keys, slid the mouse this way and that and made a few more mental notes before powering down my office computer. The last light of the monitor faded away as I rose from my chair and turned off the lights to my office. I walked over to our coat rack, where Gloria waited, coat in hand with two bags packed for our business trip to San Francisco. She had that look on her face that told me I’d better get moving without further delay.

  What was it about Gloria Campbell that made me feel like a bad puppy? When you think about it, I’m her boss. I hired her less than two years ago to help out with my private investigations business while Dad was recovering from his heart attack. She has a strong personality and was not shy about trying to keep me in line almost from the start.

  We rode the elevator to the lobby and headed out the back door to the parking lot behind our building. I packed our bags into the trunk of Gloria’s car and slid in behind the wheel. Gloria’s coat sleeve was pushed back up her arm as she sat there examining her watch in an exaggerated gesture.

  “I know, I know,” I s
aid in my defense. “We’re going. Don’t you worry. We’ll get there with time to spare.” I backed out of the parking space and drove out onto the street. “We’ll be there before you know it.”

  It took us a little better than forty-five minutes to drive to the airport, find a parking space and carry our bags to the check-in counter. I must have looked bored and Gloria took the opportunity to get in one more dig.

  “It’s only one day,” she said. “I’m sure you can do without that damned computer for one lousy day. You think you can make it that long?”

  “You make it sound like I live for that PC,” I said. “I don’t spend that much time on it.”

  “Oh no,” Gloria shot back. “You’re on it every spare minute and sometimes our clients are left waiting until you get to that next level of whatever stupid game you’re playing. Don’t you ever feel like taking a walk or reading a book or watching television?”

  “I do those thing,” I said. “I do all those things.”

  “When?” Gloria said. “When was the last time you took a walk?”

  I thought for a moment. “Last night. I walked quite a way, now didn’t I?”

  “If you’re talking about your major hike from the mall parking lot to the computer store…” she said sarcastically.

  “Well,” I said, “The lot was full and I couldn’t find a close parking spot. I’d say that qualifies.”

  “Look,” Gloria said. “You’re thirty-two, not sixteen. Just forget about your computer until tomorrow and then you can barricade yourself in your office, if you like. Now can we just get through this trip like normal people?”

  “Sure,” I said, all the while wondering if I’d gotten any e-mail since we left the office an hour ago.

  We boarded our plane and found our seats in section B, just two rows back from first class. We stowed our carry-ons in the compartment above us and Gloria slid in next to the window while I took my seat on the aisle. Within six or seven minutes the plane began taxiing down the runway. The roar of the engines increased as the nose of the plane pointed skyward. I could hear the sound of the landing gears retracting.