Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  I pulled my jacket back far enough so that Donna could see my underarm holster and then closed my jacket again. Her eyes got wide and she looked at me.

  “Just so we’re clear here, Mr. Cooper,” she said. “You’re not telling me that you’d shoot him, are you?”

  “Of course not,” Gloria said. “Elliott was talking about his armpit. I think he was suggesting that he’d get Joey in a headlock and make him sniff his deadly armpit. Isn’t that what you were suggesting, Elliott?”

  “Huh? Oh yeah,” I said quickly. “That’s all I was talking about.” My smile was as phony as a denture wearer under a black light.

  Donna sipped from her coffee cup, mostly to buy her some time to think of how to answer me. She lowered the cup and finally said to Gloria, “How would you handle this, Miss Campbell?”

  Gloria thought for a moment and then offered, “I’d also have a stern talk with this man,” she said. “And if he wasn’t willing to listen to reason, well then, I guess I’d have to try to persuade him to see things my way.”

  “Persuade him?” Donna said. “What are you talking about?”

  “Just that I can be mighty persuasive when I set my mind to it,” Gloria said.

  “Yeah,” I added, “And if that didn’t work, she could always break his arm.”

  “You could do that?” Donna said.

  Gloria shrugged and spread her hands.

  “I’d like to hire you both,” Donna blurted out and then put her hand over her mouth when she realized that people three table away probably heard her. She lowered her voice to a whisper and repeated, “I’d like to hire you both.”

  I finished the last of my milk, set the glass down, wiped the milk mustache off my lip and looked at Donna. “We get two hundred dollars a day plus expenses,” I said. “And if we don’t get you the results you want, it won’t cost you a dime. Sound fair enough?”

  “How soon could you start?” Donna said, eagerly.

  “Is this afternoon too soon?” I said.

  “That works for me,” Donna said. “What do you need from me?”

  Gloria turned to Donna and said, “First we’d need a signed contract and a retainer. We’d provide you with a detailed report when we’re all finished and with a little luck, we should be able to wrap this whole thing up in just a couple of days. Our office is just a block from here. Can you stop up for a minute and take care of the preliminaries?”

  “What are we waiting for?” Donna said. “Let’s go.”

  I drove us all to the parking lot behind my building and the three of us rode the elevator up to the third floor. I invited Donna to sit in my client’s chair while I pulled a blank contract out of my desk drawer. “Does this Joey have a last name?” I said.

  “Hendricks,” Donna said. “Joseph Hendricks.”

  She supplied me with his address and other useful information that might help us locate him. I filled in the specifics on her contract that we had discussed and had her sign it, giving her a copy and filing my copy away. She rose from my chair again and extended her hand. I shook it and thanked her for her business. Gloria offered her had as well, but Donna chose instead to give her a hug.

  “Thank you for everything,” Donna said. “Especially for understanding why I did what I did and not getting super mad about it.”

  “By the time we met,” Gloria said, “I had had time to cool down quite a bit. Now, on the other hand, if I had caught you right after it happened, well, that would have been another story entirely.” She stared at Donna for a second and then broke into a smile. “I forgive you,” Gloria said. “Just don’t ever do it again, at least not to me.”

  “I won’t,” Donna said and left the office.

  I could hear her footsteps fading down the long hallway. I turned to Gloria and said, “Who knew there’d be a case in it for us after all this?”

  Gloria pulled the shirt off over her head and stepped out of the pants I’d brought her from her house. She stood there in her bra and panties and began dressing in the clothes she had been wearing this morning. She stopped when she noticed me staring at her.

  “What?” she said. “It’s not like you’ve never seen me like this before.”

  “I know,” I said, “But you’re giving me ideas.”

  “Go take a cold shower,” she said. “We’ve got work to do.”

  We left the office and both of us got into Gloria’s car. She drove while I navigated out of a street map book that she kept in the pocket of her door. “I suppose the logical place to start would be at Joey’s house,” I said.

  “Okay, Magellan,” Gloria said, “Navigate. Where are we going?”

  “To a motel?” I said.

  Gloria didn’t respond or even look my way.

  “Or,” I said, “You could take Hollywood to Western and Western to Santa Monica. When you get closer I’ll give you more specific directions.” I quickly changed the subject. “So what’s your take on this whole thing? I mean, from a woman’s perspective, would a guy like Joey be a problem?”

  “Not for me,” Gloria said. “I’d tie him into a knot, sprinkle salt on him and sell him as a pretzel. But that’s just me.”

  “I’m talking about women who aren’t super heroes,” I said. “You think there are really guys out there who just can’t take that final rejection and go bananas?”

  “It happens,” Gloria said. “But the women are usually human punching bags with no self-image. They let this kind of thing go on for way too long. I mean, after one smack from any man, you’d think these women would be out the door, but some of them think that they wouldn’t be able to get another guy if they walked away. Others try to rationalize it by telling themselves that it was their fault, that they made the guy hit them.”

  “Oh brother,” I said.

  “No, really,” Gloria said. “And the guy is usually the manipulative type who can cry on cue and act all sorry afterwards and these women take them back. It goes smooth again for another week or two and then it’s back to the same ol’ same ol’ and the cycle starts all over again.”

  “Well,” I said, “You’ll pardon me if I can’t work up much sympathy for these kinds of women. They all have the option of walking away from a bad situation. Or they could press charges and have the guy put away, but they don’t.”

  “What about you?” Gloria said. “Haven’t you ever lost your temper with a woman?”

  “Sure,” I said. “Lots of times, but I have never hit any woman, not once. I have control of myself and I know how to vent my frustration on inanimate objects. I’ve gone through a few pillows in my day.”

  “Really?” Gloria said, her interest now piqued. “And just what was it these women did to set you off?”

  “They, uh,” I started to say, but then thought better of it. “I don’t remember. You’ve got a turn coming up here at the next corner.”

  “Smooth,” Gloria said. “Save by the turn. Okay, now where am I going?”

  I looked at the street map in front of me and had to turn to the next page where that section of the map was continued. “Three blocks east and hang a right for one block. It’s the second house from the corner.”

  Gloria pulled up in front of a white stucco ranch house with a red tile roof. There was a realtor’s sign in the front yard, announcing to the rest of Los Angeles that this house was for sale. We got out to have a closer look. The drapes had been removed and I could see almost all the way through the house out into the back yard. The house was definitely vacant.

  I looked at Gloria. “Could we possibly get this lucky right out of the gate?” I said.

  She pointed toward the house one door to the east. “You want to check with them and I’ll check over here?” she said, walking toward the house one door west of the vacant house.

  I walked across the grass and stepped up onto the stoop of Joey’s next door neighbor. Before I got a chance to ring the bell, the door opened and a stern-looking man scowled at me.

  “Can’t you see the
sidewalk?” he said. “You walked on my new grass. What the hell’s wrong with you?”

  “I’m sorry, mister,” I said. “I was just wondering if you knew what happened to the guy who used to live next door.”

  “I don’t snoop on the neighbors,” the man said. “Now beat it, and use the god damned sidewalk.”

  The door slammed again and the sound it made rang in my ears as I retreated down the sidewalk out toward the street. Gloria was walking toward the street away from the house she’d chosen to inquire at. We met at her car.

  “Well?” she said. “Did you learn anything?”

  “Oh yeah,” I said. “I learned to say on the sidewalk. I learned how loud a door can slam. I learned how ornery a guy can get if you step on his new grass. But no, nothing we can use. What about you?”

  “The woman there said that Joey had moved out six days ago,” Gloria said. “She didn’t know where he’d moved to but she did remember where he used to hang out. It’s a bar called the Plaid Rabbit on Sunset. Now we’ve got two places left to check out—the bar and the place where he works. Where was that again?”

  I looked at my notes. “The guy works at the public library,” I said. “Doesn’t exactly fit the mental picture I had of this guy. I was picturing some greasy grunt in a foundry or machine shop. But a library?”

  “Well,” Gloria said, “At least our interview with him will be a quiet one.”

  I looked at my watch. It was too early for the guy to be sucking suds at the corner bar, but not late enough for him to be off work just yet. “Drive over to the library,” I told Gloria. “Now I’ve got my curiosity up wondering what kind up guy we’re up against here.”

  It took us nearly half an hour through city traffic before Gloria pulled into the library parking lot. I stuck a quarter in the meter and the two of us walked in through the front door. We approached the information desk, where a woman wearing small-rimmed glasses and with her hair in a bun, sat checking something on her computer screen. When she’d finished, she motioned us over.

  “I can help whoever is next,” she said.

  “I’ll take this one,” Gloria said and walked up to where the woman sat. “Excuse me,” Gloria told the woman. “I’m looking for Joseph Hendricks. I was told he worked here in the library.”

  Without looking up, the woman said, “Second floor reference desk.”

  “Thank you,” Gloria said, but the woman was already beckoning to the next person in line.

  Gloria met me behind the velvet rope and jerked her head toward the elevator. “Second floor,” she said.

  We got off on the second floor and walked directly to the reference desk. There was a meek-looking man with a slight frame, wearing horn-rimmed glasses. One of his arms sported a white plaster of Paris cast and hung in a sling. He was paging through a fat dictionary, running his finger down the page. When he stopped, he turned to the paper in front of him and wrote something down before closing the dictionary and returning it to a shelf behind him. He looked up as we approached.

  “May I help you,” he said.

  “Yes,” I said. “We’re looking for Mr. Hendricks.”

  “I’m Mr. Hendricks,” the man said.

  “Uh no,” I said. “We’re looking for Mr. Joseph Hendricks.”

  “I am Joseph Hendricks,” the man said. “And you are?”

  “My name is Elliott Cooper,” I said and then gestured toward Gloria. “And this is Gloria Campbell. Is there someplace private we can all talk, Mr. Hendricks?”

  “What is this in regard to?” Hendricks said.

  Gloria stepped up and said, “It might be better all around if we could speak to you in private, Mr. Hendricks. Or would it be all right if I called you Joey?”

  “Oh god,” Hendricks said. “Now I get it. She sent you, didn’t she?”

  “Please, Mr. Hendricks,” I said. “Do you have a back room where we could talk?”

  Hendricks got up out of his seat and gestured for us to come around to the side door next to his desk. “Come in through there,” he said and met us on the other side of the door. He let us in and invited us both to sit. He pulled up a chair facing us and sat down. “Don’t tell me,” he said. “This has something to do with Donna. Am I correct?”

  “Yes it does,” Gloria said. “That’s what we need to talk to you about. Donna has asked us to make sure you stay away from her and it is our intention to make sure...”

  Hendricks laughed. “That’s rich,” he said. “That sounds like something she’d do.”

  “This is no laughing matter,” Gloria said. “You can get yourself in a whole lot of trouble if you don’t...”

  “Hold on, both of you,” Hendricks said. “I don’t know what Donna told you or what kind of opinion you’ve formed of me, but I can almost guarantee you that you’ve got it wrong, whatever it is.”

  I pointed my finger in Hendricks’ face. “Are you denying that there was a restraining order issued?”

  Hendricks shook his head. “No. I know there’s one,” he said. “What about it?”

  “And you don’t see that as a problem for you?” Gloria said.

  “Only if she violates it,” Hendricks said.

  “And furthermore,” I said. “You’d better... Wait a minute, what was that you said?”

  Hendricks stood now and paced. “I said, I don’t see a problem unless she violates it.”

  “What are you talking about?” Gloria said. “She’s the one who took out the restraining order against you.”

  “Is that what she told you?” Hendricks said.

  Gloria and I looked at each other, dumbfounded. I looked up at Hendricks. “Are you telling us that you are the victim here and that she is the stalker?”

  “I think you’re finally getting a grasp of the situation,” Hendricks said. “I took out a restraining order on Donna more than a month ago. It got so bad, I finally had to move out of the house I was renting. She kept coming over and breaking in. That woman is crazy.”

  “Donna claims you verbally abused her and beat her on occasion,” Gloria said.

  Hendricks lifted his cast and rolled his eyes. “Who beat whom?” he said. “That’s right, she did this to me. I tried to break it off with her after I realized she was a nut case and she broke my arm.”

  “Donna tells us that you are the stalker and that you’re after her money,” I said. “Any truth to that?”

  “Sure,” Hendricks said, “If you turn it around again. I’m the one with the money. She’s the one who’s after it. As soon as she found out that one of my uncles died and left me a tidy sum, she’s been like a crazy woman. She won’t leave me alone and I told her we were through more than a month ago. She comes in here sometimes, making a scene. I’m afraid I’ll lose my job if she doesn’t stop it.”

  Gloria looked at me and I shrugged, spreading my hands. She looked back at Hendricks. “Now I’m really confused,” Gloria said.

  “You don’t believe me?” Hendricks said. “Let me guess, she stole your clothes from a changing room in some store, right?”

  Gloria stood up now. “And just how would you know that unless you were stalking her?” she said.

  “You think you’re the only one she’s done this to?” Hendricks explained. “She always does the same thing. She finds a way to contact the owner of the clothes and tells them where they can pick them up again and how she’s sorry she had to do it. And as a convincer, she tells the victims that she’ll leave and extra ten dollars in their clothes to make up for the trouble.”

  At that moment Gloria and I realized that we had been had. Now I stood and walked over to where Joseph Hendricks was standing. I laid a hand on his shoulder.

  “Mr. Hendricks,” I said. “I hope you’ll accept our apologies. We had no idea.”

  “You’re not the first,” he said. “And you will not be the last. I guarantee that. A few weeks ago she actually hired a private eye to follow me and tell her where I was. Can you imagine that? A gumshoe following me? I
found out after he’d already stopped tailing me so I never got a look at him. I’m picturing some sneaky type in a long trench coat, tied at the waist and felt fedora with a rakish tilt. Probably drives an Oldsmobile from the thirties and talks in that noir vernacular.”

  “Sounds like you’ve been watching too many Raymond Chandler movies,” I said. “I happen to know a real private eye and your description is way off. But that’s beside the point. The point now is to contact Donna again and try to get a straight story out of her.”

  “Good luck,” Hendricks said. “That gumshoe I told you about? Well, she hired him with the same sob story and paid him with a rubber check. He still hasn’t collected on that one. She didn’t even give that guy her real name or address. Sounds like he’s going to need a private eye to track the elusive Miss Cornwall down.”

  “Who is Miss Cornwall?” I said.

  “Donna Cornwall,” Hendricks said. “Isn’t that who we’ve been talking about all this time?” Hendricks looked us over and added, “Did she use Goodwin again, or was it something else this time?”

  “Thank you for your time,” Gloria said. “Sorry to have bothered you.”

  Gloria and I headed out the door and back around to the counter just as Joey Hendricks returned to his station. “Good luck finding her,” he said, and went back to whatever it was he was doing when we’d arrived.

  Back in the car Gloria turned to me and sighed. “Now what do we do?” she said.

  “We cut our losses and forget about this whole mess,” I said. “We’re not wasting any more time or resources on this woman. Let’s get back to the office.”

  “I’ll drop you off there,” Gloria said, “But I have a personal errand to run, if you don’t mind.”

  “Sure,” I said. “Why not?”

  Gloria dropped me at the front door to our building and drove away again. I went back upstairs to the office, settled into my chair and pulled Donna Goodwin’s contract out of my drawer. I looked it over, hoping to find some clue as to the woman’s real identity and decided to file it under experience. I took a felt-tip marker and wrote ‘VOID’ across the face of the contract. With my pen, I made myself a note at the bottom containing information we’d learned from Joey Hendricks. I picked up the check and tore it in half, dropping both pieces into the folder again. I filed the folder away and put my feet up on the desk and settled back. I needed the rest.