Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  Crawford directed us to his couch, where an oblong coffee table separated the couch from two easy chairs. Gloria and I sat on the couch and Crawford took one of the chairs across from us. I turned on the laptop, found the video file and started it playing, turning the laptop so Crawford could see the video.

  “Right there,” I said, pointing to the screen. “There’s a full-size refrigerator inside that box and from what I can see, he’s not having any trouble getting it up onto that wagon.”

  When the video ended, I looked up at Crawford. He clapped his hands together and was rubbing them, like a fly about to taste a sugar crystal. He let out a deep breath and settled back into his chair. “I think I’ll be able to sleep through the night for the first time in weeks,” Crawford said. “Thank you both so much.”

  I looked at Crawford. “Mr. Crawford,” I said. “Would you happen to have a laptop or desktop computer where I could transfer this file? I’d let you keep the card, but it’s my only one and I won’t be able to replace it until tomorrow.”

  Crawford held his hand out and I gave him the camera card. Crawford dropped the card into his pants pocket and then pulled his wallet out from his back pocket, pried it open, withdrew three hundred dollar bills and handed them to me. “This should cover you fee and the camera card.”

  Gloria looked at the three hundred dollars Crawford had just paid me and then looked at Crawford. “Mr. Crawford,” she said, “our contract was for two hundred dollars a day plus expenses. We managed to get what you needed in less than a day and that camera card can be replaced for fifteen dollars. I don’t think we can make change.”

  “I wasn’t expecting any change,” Crawford said. “Consider what’s left over as a bonus for a job well done. And thanks again to both of you. You probably saved me a bundle.” He guided us toward the front door in what I recognized as a move called the Gurkey Shuffle.

  I looked at Gloria and she knew exactly what I was thinking, since I’d explained the Gurkey Shuffle to her soon after we’d met. Years ago I’d known a guy named Bob Gurkey and he had managed to weasel his way into our house with some slick sales pitch. It took me almost ten minutes to convince the pesky salesman that I wasn’t interested in what he was peddling. All the while I was telling him no, I was also easing him toward the front door. Once I got him out onto the porch, I closed the door and the pest finally took the hint and left. That, as they say, became known as The Gurkey Shuffle and that’s just what Crawford was doing to us.

  When the front door closed, Gloria and I looked at each other and then down at the three hundred dollar bills in my hand. Our eyes met again and we both broke out laughing. We were still laughing when we got back into the van and drove away.

  “You see, Gloria,” I said. “We managed to come out ahead anyway without padding the bill another day.”

  “Now we can go back to the office,” Gloria said.

  I held up a finger. “But first I want to stop at the camera store and pick up another memory card,” I said. “And for the fifteen dollars you quoted him, I can buy three camera cards. Now who’s padding?”

  “All right,” Gloria said. “I get the point. Looks like we’re both guilty of a little padding.”

  I drove to the camera store, picked out two memory cards and paid the clerk with one of the hundred dollar bills. When I got back into the van, I gave one of the memory cards to Gloria. “Keep that one in a safe place for a spare,” I said, and handed her the change from my purchase.

  “What’s this for?” Gloria said, counting out nearly ninety dollars.

  “That’s a bonus,” I said and gave her a genuine smile.

  Gloria leaned over and kissed my cheek.

  “What was that for?” I said.

  “That’s a bonus,” Gloria said, folding the bills and tucking them in the pocket of her jeans.

  We got back to the office and saw the red light blinking on our answering machine. Gloria set her purse on her desk and walked over to my desk to hit the Play button.

  “Mr. Cooper,” the familiar voice said. “This is Melinda Cameron at Family Tree Services. I just wanted to keep you abreast of my latest findings. I still have a way to go yet, but I managed to add one more layer to your family tree. You don’t have to call back. I just wanted to let you know that I’m making some progress. Thank you.” The dial tone sounded and Gloria hit the Erase button. There were no other messages.

  “And the Cooper family tree grows another branch,” I said. “I wonder who she found.”

  “Let’s not bother her yet,” Gloria said. “Give her time to develop a few more leads and add a couple more branches before you call her.”

  “I suppose you’re right,” I said. “It’s just that I’m getting kind of antsy to see the results.”

  “I know,” Gloria said. “I would be, too.”

  The office door opened and Lieutenant Eric Anderson walked in. “Sitting around again, eh?” he said. “Some people have it dead easy.”

  “Look who’s talking,” I said. “Shouldn’t you be out checking parking meters?”

  “Touché,” Eric said. “I must have just caught you both during one of your lulls. If I remember correctly, your last lull lasted four days.”

  “Okay,” I said, “so the P.I. business isn’t as fast-paced as the L.A.P.D. Our clientele is better behaved that yours. What can I say?”

  Gloria took the seat behind her desk and then looked up at Eric. “Really, Eric,” she said, “what brings you slumming in our neighborhood this fine afternoon?”

  Eric turned and started for the door. “Well, I was going to throw a little work your way,” he said, “but if you’d rather continue with your leg dangling and fly catching, I guess I’ll leave you to it.” He let himself out again and closed the door. Three seconds later he re-entered the office. “Okay,” Eric said, “let’s try this again. I’ll start over. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cooper. How are you both doing? Lovely day we’re having, isn’t it?”

  “All right,” I said, “you made your point. Have a seat, Eric and tell us what’s on your mind.”

  Eric passed up the chair and instead stood by the window, looking down on Hollywood Boulevard. “The work I had in mind for you two is not exactly police work,” Eric said. “In fact, it would be better if no one in the department knew I’d been here. This is personal.”

  I sat up straight in my chair and gave Eric my full attention. Gloria got up and came over to where I was sitting and stood next to me, looking at Eric.

  “I’d like you both to discreetly look into someone’s daily routine for me,” Eric said. “I don’t want you to approach them or speak to them, or take any pictures. I don’t want anything that could spook this person and tip them that they’re being watched.”

  “You just want them followed?” Gloria said. “We can do that.”

  “This person can’t even suspect that they’re being followed,” Eric said. “It’s very important to me.”

  “We can do that,” I said. “Who’s the target?”

  Eric hesitated and then looked out the window again, answering me without looking at me. “My brother,” Eric said. “Neither of you have ever met him and he doesn’t know either of you by sight, so you two would be the perfect candidates for the job. Are you interested?”

  “Can you tell us why?” I said. “I mean, what are we supposed to be looking for? How long are we supposed to maintain surveillance?”

  “Not yet,” Eric said. “For now all I need is a professional tail job and a description of where he goes and what he does. An hour or two should do it. You’ll have to trust me on this for now.”

  Gloria and I exchanged a brief glance. I nodded at her and then looked back toward Eric. “We’ll do it, Eric,” I said. “When can we start and where do we find him? Do you have a photo we could borrow? The more you can tell us about him, the easier this will be for everyone.”

  Eric reached into his shirt pocket and plucked out a three-by-five portrait of a man and laid it in fro
nt of me. “His name is Ernie.”

  I looked at the photo, showed it to Gloria and then looked up at Eric. “This is a joke, right? I mean, why give me a picture of yourself, unless you have a...”

  “A twin,” Eric said. “That’s right, I’m a twin. I never told anyone about Ernie. I guess you could say he’s the black sheep of the Anderson clan. As Rodney Dangerfield might have said, ‘You look up my family tree and I’m the sap’. Well, Ernie is the sap on our family tree. I haven’t seen him in a few years and suddenly he showed up in town again yesterday.”

  Gloria took the photo from me and studied it a little closer. “And why is it so important that you know what he’s up to?”

  “Because if he’s up to no good,” Eric said, “I need to know before he gets tangled up with the law. What I don’t need is anyone at the twelfth precinct even knowing he exists, let alone catching him red-handed at anything in my jurisdiction. Not only would I never hear the end of it, it also would not be good for furthering my career. See?”

  “Can you at least tell us what to look for?” I said. “I mean, what has he done in the past, so we’ll know what to look out for?”

  “He has a weakness for cars and women,” Eric said. “And it doesn’t matter to him whether either of them belongs to someone else. He’s been caught in other jurisdictions before but somehow he’s always managed to talk his way out of a jam, probably my mention my name. I can’t have that happening here. You understand.”

  “Okay,” I said, “we’ll babysit your little brother for you, Eric.”

  “Big brother,” Eric said.

  “Huh?” I said.

  “By four and a half minutes,” Eric explained. “Great example for me to look up to, isn’t he? And like I said, just observe him, unless...”

  “Unless it looks like he’s going to grab a car?” I said.

  “Exactly,” Eric said. “It’s not so critical if all he’s grabbing are women, but I don’t want him raping anyone, either. No, if he tries to grab a car, you grab him, call me and bring him to me. I’ll handle him from there.”

  “Where should we start?” I said.

  “I just saw him,” Eric said. “As of fifteen minutes ago he was in that bar on Sunset and Cherokee, across the street from that pink church. You remember, that’s where you found the bartender dead when you went looking for that male stripper.”

  Gloria looked puzzled. “We found a dead bartender in a pink church?” she said.

  “Not in the pink church,” Eric explained. “In the bar across from it.” He noticed Gloria smiling and knew she was just jerking his bobber.

  “Jack,” Gloria said. “How could we forget Jack the Stripper?”

  I got up from my desk and Gloria followed. “We’re on him,” I said. “We’ll check back with you later.”

  “Thanks, Elliott,” Eric said, patting me on the shoulder. He turned to Gloria. “You, too, Gloria.”

  “Lock up when you leave, would you, Eric?” I said and headed for the elevator.

  “He always been this impatient?” Eric said to Gloria as she locked the office door.

  “Always,” Gloria said. “Gotta run.”

  Gloria and I drove south to Sunset and west to Cherokee, where I parked around the corner. “How do you want to handle this?” Gloria said.

  “I was thinking maybe you could go inside and just hang out for a while,” I said. “You know, see what he does and see if he meets anyone.”

  “How will I know him?” Gloria said, and then remembered the photo. “Never mind. I can just look for the carbon copy of Eric.”

  “Watch yourself,” I said. “I’ll follow you in about a minute later so it doesn’t look like we came in together. We won’t sit together, either. Keep your phone on but silence the ringer. Put it on vibrate and I’ll do the same with mine. If you need to communicate with me, send me a quick text.”

  “Got it,” Gloria said, slipping out of the van and walking toward the entrance to the bar.

  I kept an eye on her and notice that as she was going in, Ernie Anderson was coming out. Gloria didn’t make the obvious move by turning around and following him, like I knew she wouldn’t. Ernie was coming my way so I slouched down in the van until he passed in front of me. He walked a short way up the street, stopping occasionally to look in store windows. I didn’t take him for a window shopper. He was probably checking the reflection to see if he was being followed. I stayed where I was. By the time he was three-quarters of a block away, the passenger door of my van opened and Gloria slipped in.

  “He’s down there,” I said. “He walked west on Sunset. He may have noticed you when he came out of the bar, so I want you to drive the van. I’m going to try to casually follow him on foot.” I stepped out of the van, watched Ernie until his back was turned and then started walking his way. A few seconds later, Gloria pulled away from the curb at a slow speed.

  I found a discarded newspaper lying on the bus stop bench and scooped it up, folding it once and tucking it under my arm. I was just another pedestrian in the crowd. Ernie kept stopping to stare in store windows, so it didn’t take me long to catch up to him. Before I got too far and found myself in front of him, I stepped into a store, left the paper there, removed my jacket and slung it over my arm. I donned a pair of dark glasses and exited the store again. Little changes like that made me a different person as far as Ernie Anderson was concerned.

  I noticed that Gloria didn’t stay with us. She had the common sense to turn right on a side street and circle the block. Now she was coming toward us from the opposite direction. Ernie turned left, into the parking lot of a camera store, and then stopped to observe people coming and going. Then he made his move. I noticed the same thing he did. A man in a vintage Corvette got out of his car and ran toward the camera store. Ernie made an immediate beeline for the Corvette, checking the ignition for keys. He must have spotted them dangling there because he had the car’s door open by the time I grabbed him by the elbow.

  Just then the Corvette’s owner emerged from the camera store and saw his car door hanging open. He looked at Ernie and then at me. “What’s going on here?” he said. “And what are you doing with my car.”

  I pulled Ernie’s arm and turned him toward me. “I told you not to wander off, Ernie,” I said, as if scolding a little boy. Then I turned to the car’s owner and explained, “You’ll have to pardon Ernie. He’s a little slow and he thinks every car is a toy. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” I pulled Ernie away from the car, all the while a dumbfounded look playing on his face.

  Once the Corvette pulled out of the lot, Ernie broke free from my grip and looked at me angrily. “Okay,” he said, “what’s the gag? Who the hell are you?”

  Gloria pulled into the parking lot just then and stopped next to Ernie and me. The van’s side door slid open and Gloria sat there looking out at the two of us. “Come on, Ernie,” she said. “Get in.”

  Ernie started to say something but stopped when he felt the barrel of my gun in his ribs. I nudged him closer to the van. “You heard the lady, Ernie,” I said. “Get in the van.”

  Ernie took a quick look at his surroundings and realized he had no options. He stepped up into the van and I followed him in. I gestured toward the back of the van and Ernie complied. I closed the sliding door and Gloria drove off.

  “All right,” Ernie said. “This isn’t funny. You let me out of here right now. My brother’s a cop and you’re already in deep trouble.”

  I switched my gun to my left hand and fished my cell phone out of my pocket with my right, keeping an eye on Ernie. I dialed Eric’s private cell number and he answered right away. “Got him,” I said. “You were right, he was about to boost a Corvette when we nabbed him. Right, we’ll bring him right away. Where do you want to meet us? Great, make it fifteen minutes? We’ll be there.” I closed the phone and slipped it back in my pocket.

  “Look,” Ernie said. “You let me out of here and I won’t tell my cop brother about you. You can d
rive away clean with no trouble.”

  “Just sit there and be quiet,” I said. “This’ll all be over soon enough.”

  “But,” Ernie started to say.

  I held my index finger to my lips and shook my head. “I said no talking,” I told Ernie.

  Ten minutes later Gloria pulled the van into an alley that opened onto Franklin Street. She killed the engine and turned in her seat to face me. “Is he coming?” she said.

  I nodded.

  “Is who coming?” Ernie said.

  “Have a little patience,” I told Ernie. “It’ll be worth the wait.”

  Ernie was sweating now and starting to squirm on the carpeted floor of the van. Gloria joined us in the back of the van and sat next to me. She also withdrew her .38 and flipped open the cylinder to see if it was fully loaded before snapping it shut again. She held it casually, but generally pointed in Ernie’s direction.

  “You want money?” Ernie said. “Is that what this is about? I can pay you both. It’s not a lot, but it’s the easiest money you two will ever make.”

  “No,” I said. “The easiest money we’ll ever make is when we turn you over. So just sit there and shut up, for the last time.”

  We all heard the sound of tires on the pavement outside. A car door slammed and footsteps came closer. Ernie made a dash for the van’s side door just as it opened. He stopped dead in his tracks when he came face to face with his mirror image looking back at him.

  “What did I tell you last time?” Eric said to his brother. “I told you to stay out of Los Angeles. I don’t need your kind of trouble around here.”

  Gloria and I both holstered our weapons and stepped out of the van, leaving Eric to deal with his troublesome brother. We walked back toward Eric’s sedan and waited. “What do you suppose Eric’s telling him right about now?” Gloria said.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” I said, “but I’ll bet the phrase ‘out of town by sundown’ will surface before Eric’s finished with him.”

  “I suppose next he’ll expect us to drive him to the city limits and dump him out in some other town,” Gloria said.