Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “Maybe with the wife,” I said, “But there has to be someone out there who did the job for Mrs. Peterson. Maybe you can still nail that person and if you do, you can always try Mrs. Peterson for a different charge—conspiracy to commit murder. She could still get some jail time out of all this.”

  “Maybe,” Eric said, “But the captain has put me on another case. And to tell you the truth, I don’t think he wants to spend any more resources pursuing this one, knowing he probably won’t win. I think the D.A.’s behind that decision, if you want my opinion.”

  “I think it was Bill Gates who said, ‘Life’s not fair, get over it’. You can always wait for her to trip herself up on something else and then you can come down hard on her. I’m tellin’ ya, Eric, something like this will drive you crazy if you let it.”

  “I suppose you’re right,” Eric said, “But it just feels like one big loose end to me.”

  I paused momentarily, not sure if I should share my good news with Eric, but decided that he needed some uplifting news to replace the mood he was in. “Well,” I said, “on a totally unrelated subject, Gloria and I are going to have another baby.”

  I must have caught Eric by surprise because he did a double-take and then looked me up and down, like he was examining a new suit. “Good for you, Elliott,” he said. “When’s the big event?”

  “As far as we can tell,” I said, “Gloria’s about seven weeks along, so that would put it sometime around the first week of August.”

  “That’s great, Elliott,” Eric said.

  “What about you?” I said. “Are you any closer to settling down with that special someone yet?”

  “I still have to find her,” Eric said. “Who knows, I might have passed her on the street a dozen times already and not known it.”

  “If I might make a suggestion,” I said.

  Eric spread his hands and shrugged. “By all means, Mr. Family Man.”

  “Ease up on the career and spend a little more time in the eligible pool,” I said. “You know, get out there and advertise. She’s not going to find you on the job. You have to go out and find her among the living, if you know what I mean.”

  “I’ve met plenty of women on the job,” Eric explained. “Unfortunately all of them had already assumed room temperature by the time I saw them.”

  “Yeah,” I laughed, “it’s a little hard to start a family with a stiff.”

  “At least they don’t talk back,” Eric said.

  “There is that,” I said, “but the other advantages outweigh the fact that you might have to listen to them talk for more time than you’re willing to listen. You can always learn to tune them out after awhile. It’s not hard.”

  Eric raised one eyebrow at me.

  “You never heard me say that,” I told him.

  He held one finger to his lips and headed for the office door. “Give Gloria a hug for me and tell her that I expect to meet little Eric next summer.”

  “Uh, no,” I said. “If it’s a boy, we’re naming him Alan.”

  “Alan?” Eric said. “How you come up with that name?”

  “It was my best friend’s middle name,” I said. “You remember? I told you about the friend I had all thought grade school and high school.”

  “The guy who shot himself?” Eric said. “Jerry?”

  “Jeff,” I said.

  “What if it’s a girl?” Eric said.

  “Then it’ll be Olivia,” I explained. “I remember seeing Romeo and Juliet on television one night and the actress playing Juliet was a woman named Olivia Hussey. I remember thinking what a beauty she was and the name just stuck in my head all these years.”

  “Either way,” Eric said, “Congratulations to both of you. Looks like Matt will finally get that brother or sister after all.” He gave me the gunman’s salute and turned to leave. On his way out he bumped into a woman who was on her way in to see me.

  “Excuse me,” Eric said, grabbing the woman’s shoulders. “Are you all right?”

  The woman looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties. She had shoulder length red hair and brilliant green eyes. When she flashed Eric her smile, her face lit up the room. She looked down at Eric hands, which were still on the woman’s shoulders. Eric removed his hands and stammered. “Sorry,” he said.

  “No harm done,” she said and straightened her red dress out. She turned to me and said, “Excuse me, it this the office of Ned Simpson, the Notary Public?”

  I shook my head and pointed to the ceiling. “Sorry,” I said, “one floor up directly above me.”

  “Sorry,” she said.

  Eric smiled and extended his arm out the door. “Come on,” he told the woman, “I’ll take you there myself.”

  “Thank you, Officer…”

  “Anderson,” Eric said. “Lieutenant Eric Anderson, L.A.P.D.”

  She smiled at Eric. “Leslie Swanson,” she said.

  “Ah, another Scandinavian,” Eric said. “You know, we Scandinavians have to stick together. Come on, I’ll escort you upstairs.”

  Eric allowed Leslie to leave ahead of him, giving him time to turn back to me and circle his index finger and thumb before following her out of my office.

  As soon as the door closed and I could hear their footsteps fading down the hall, I sat behind my desk and had a good laugh. Fate sometimes worked in mysterious ways and maybe Leslie was a movie fan. Maybe she’d seen Humphrey Bogart and Claude Rains in the 1941 movie, Casablanca. Maybe she remembered the parting line from the now famous film. “Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

  For Eric’s sake, and for Leslie’s as well, I hoped as much.

  105 - No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service

  I walked Gloria through the mall, helping her pick out baby clothes and toys. The big day was only twelve days away and since we already knew that our second baby was going to be a girl, Gloria chose pink, frilly items for Olivia to wear. We decided on Olivia as the name for Matt’s little sister mostly because I’d remembered seeing Romeo and Juliet on television one night and noted that the actress playing Juliet, Olivia Hussy, was exceptionally beautiful. The name stuck in my head and it was the name I suggested when Gloria had broken the news to me about her being pregnant again.

  I already had my arms full of packages when Gloria decided to stop in one more toy store. “Really?” I said. “Olivia won’t even be old enough to play with any of this stuff for at least a couple of months. Don’t you think we have enough already?”

  “I just want to take a quick look at something I saw in the display window,” Gloria said. “This won’t take long. If you like, why don’t you just sit on the bench out there while I look? Go on; take a load off your feet.”

  “Good idea,” I said and set my packages down next to the bench. I sighed as I sat and it felt good to empty my arms after more than an hour of walking and carrying. I don’t imagine it was any picnic for Gloria, either, carrying that large load in front of her. Gloria disappeared into the bowels of the toy store while I set about doing one of my favorite things in public—people watching. Like a photographer once told me when I asked him why he was taking photos of everyday people on Hollywood Boulevard. ‘Because the show is free out here. That’s going to be the title of my picture book—The Show Is Free. You couldn’t cast a television show and make up these kinds of characters.’

  He was right, I thought. Just watching the people go on about their business while they were unaware that I was watching their every move was entertainment enough for me while I waited for Gloria. I watched one woman at the hot dog stand while she ordered three hot dogs with everything on them, an order of French fries, a banana split and a diet soda. Another woman was walking with her young son, spanking him with every other step and yelling profanities in his ear. I guess that was to teach him to behave in public.

  Three stores down I saw a man looking through discounted books on a table that had been set out in the public area just outside the store. He picked
up book after book, looking through them, trying to decide which was the one he wanted. Apparently he found it after a few minutes but instead of taking the book back into the store and over to the cashier, he just tucked it under his arm and quietly walked away with it. I shook my head in disbelief because I knew how many surveillance cameras this mall had set up in places you’d never think to look. The man disappeared around a corner and I forgot about him. Thirty seconds later he returned, running past me with the book, the mall security guard hot on his heels. The idiot. The guard caught up with the shoplifter before he’d managed to get out of the mall. The man was lead back to the book store in cuffs and I snickered out loud as they passed me.

  The shoplifter looked back at me with a sneer on his lips. “What’s so funny, pencil neck?” he said.

  I said nothing but just gave him a wry smile and shook my head again.

  Gloria emerged from the toy store with yet another package and handed it to me. “I just couldn’t resist,” she said.

  I picked up the other packages, piled this latest one on top and walked her back to our car. She opened the back door for me and I set the purchases on the seat and closed the door. I stood upright again and laid my hand on Gloria’s enormous stomach. “How’s Olivia doing today?” I asked.

  “She’s kicking again,” Gloria said. “She wants to meet her daddy.”

  “Don’t rush it,” I said. “She’ll be here soon enough and we’ll have our hands full.”

  I helped Gloria into the front seat and drove home. Mrs. Chandler was sitting in the living room with Matt, our seven-year-old son. They were playing some kid’s card game on the coffee table. Matt pulled a card off the pile, looked at it and laid it down on the table. Mrs. Chandler picked it up, slipped it into her handful of cards and smiled at Matt. “Your turn, Matthew,” she said.

  Matt gave her a curious look and then glanced back down at the cards in his hand. He was about to pick another card when we walked in. When he saw all the packages, he threw his cards down on the table and ran over to us, hugging me around my waist. Then he turned to Gloria and tried to hug her, but his little arms couldn’t fit around Gloria’s waist. Matt laid his head against Gloria’s stomach and listened for a few seconds. He quickly released his grip on his mother and stepped back. “She kicked me,” Matt said, looking up at Gloria.

  “She wants to come out and play with you,” Gloria said, smiling.

  “You’ve been saying that for a long time,” Matt said. “When is Olivia coming out?”

  Gloria and I exchanged glances, trying to suppress our smiles. Mrs. Chandler had her hand over her mouth, obviously enjoying the exchanges with the inquisitive kid. “If you don’t need me anymore today,” she said, “I think I’ll head on home.”

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “I’ll drive you home.”

  Mrs. Chandler waved me off. “I can take the bus,” she said. “Besides, I have to make a few stops along the way. Really, I can manage.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Thanks again for sitting with Matt.”

  “He’s an absolute joy to babysit,” she said.

  “I’m not a baby,” Matt insisted.

  Mrs. Chandler bent down and smoothed Matt’s hair back out of his eyes. “Of course you’re not,” she said. “I meant to say man sitter. You’re a little man already.”

  Matt straightened up and smiled. “Are you coming back tomorrow?” he said to Mrs. Chandler.

  She looked at me and I nodded. “If you could,” I said.

  “I’ll look forward to it,” she said and pulled her coat off the peg near the kitchen door. She turned to Gloria before she left and added, “You just take it easy now, you hear? Don’t go exerting yourself.” She kissed Gloria’s cheek and walked out the door.

  “I don’t know what we’d do without her,” Gloria said and then pulled her coat off before retiring to the overstuffed chair in the living room.

  “Well,” I said, “you can count on Matt and me to help out around here.” I turned to Matt. “I know you’ll help mom, too, won’t you?”

  Matt nodded. “I sure will, Dad,” he said.

  I hung my coat on the peg and sat on the sofa next to Gloria. “You know,” I said, “you’re going to be out of commission for a while and I could use some help at the office, especially this time of year. I don’t know why, but August seems to be our busiest time. I was thinking maybe I should hire another part-timer until you can come back to work.”

  Gloria pursed her lips and then sighed. “Elliott,” she said, “I’ve been thinking about that and you know, I’ve regretted not being able to have spent more time with Matt while he was growing up. I’d really like to be a better mother to Olivia. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not sure I want to come back. At least not until Olivia is old enough to go to school. Then I thought I could help out around the office while the kids are in school.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say and chose my words carefully. “If that’s what you really want,” I said, “I don’t see anything wrong with it. I’ll probably have to put in a few more hours and the part-timer I was thinking about would have to be a full-timer. Yeah, let’s do that. We’ll save a little money by not having to pay Mrs. Chandler anymore and I’m sure I can find some retired cop with a few years still left in him who might want to be a gumshoe.”

  Gloria reached over, grabbed my head and pulled me close enough for a kiss. “Thank you, Elliott,” she said. “I probably won’t be June Cleaver, but I’ll give it my best effort.”

  “That’s good,” I said, “because I wouldn’t want to have to buy you a string of pearls just so you can vacuum in them.”

  “Huh?” Gloria said.

  “Never mind,” I said, kissing her and then lying back on the sofa. My mind wandered to thoughts of who might make a good candidate as a private eye. My thoughts were interrupted by a heavy thud on my chest. Matt had climbed up into my lap and had laid his head on my chest. I nodded off like that and Matt fell asleep in my lap.

  I awoke some time later and carried Matt to his bed. After I’d tucked him in for the night, I returned to the living room to find Gloria relaxing on the sofa. I sat next to her and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. “Happy?” I said.

  “Very happy,” Gloria responded.

  The next morning I left the house just as Mrs. Chandler was arriving. We passed on the sidewalk in front of the house.

  “How’s she doing this morning, Mr. Cooper?” Mrs. Chandler said.

  “She’s a little tired,” I said. “We can’t tell you how much we appreciate your helping out. I feel good going to work knowing you’re looking after her and Matt.”

  “It’s a pleasure,” she said. “You have a good day now, Mr. Cooper.” She walked up the sidewalk and into the house.

  Instead of driving straight to the office, I thought I should pay Lieutenant Eric Anderson of the twelfth precinct a visit. I found him in his office with a cup of coffee in his hand.

  “Elliott,” Eric said, “come on in and sit for a while.” He motioned to the chair across from his desk. “What brings you around here this morning?”

  I held up one hand, palm facing him. “No, really, no thanks. No coffee for me,” I said with a touch of sarcasm.”

  Eric looked at his cup and then set it down on his desk. “Would you like a cup, Elliott?” he said.

  “Eric,” I said, “you’ve known me for how many years now?”

  “A lot,” Eric said.

  “And in all that time,” I said, “have you ever seen me drink coffee?”

  “Come to think of it, I haven’t,” Eric said. “So why bring it up then?”

  “I could go for some of that chocolate milk,” I told him.

  Eric shook his head. “No you couldn’t,” he said. “Those cartons have been sitting out overnight. They’re probably curdled by now. How about some water?”

  I waved him off. “I’ll pass, but thanks for the offer,” I said.

  “So,” Eric said, “getting
back to my original question, what brings you here this morning?”

  I sighed and settled into the chair. “Gloria and I had a talk last night,” I said. “When she finally has Olivia, she wants to be a stay at home mom until our little girl starts school and that means I’ll have to take on another P.I. in the meantime.”

  “Sorry,” Eric said, “but I already have a job that I sort of like.”

  “I wasn’t thinking of you,” I said, “but you’re on the right track. No, I was thinking more along the lines of any recently retired cops who might be getting a little bored doing nothing and who might like to slip into the not-so-glamorous life of doing what I do.”

  “Making babies?” Eric said. “I think they’re all too old for that by now.”

  “Funny,” I said. “I figured you might be able to recommend someone who I could talk to.”

  Eric was about to dismiss the notion, but then I saw something in his face. “Come to think of it,” he said, “I just might know of the perfect guy for you. He put in his twenty and got out, but you know, he started his law enforcement career when he was just twenty-three, so he’d still have a few good years left in him. You wouldn’t have to wheel him around and he sure as hell could keep up with a young guy like you.”

  “Young?” I said. “You’re younger than I am.”

  “Seventeen days,” Eric said. “Negligible at best.”

  “So who is this guy you’re thinking about?” I said.

  “You’ve never met him,” Eric said.

  “Come on,” I said, “I’ve met everyone here at the twelfth.”

  Eric took another sip from his coffee cup. “He didn’t work out of the twelfth,” he said. “He was working out of the two-nine in Burbank. He left there a detective lieutenant and that’s how I got to know him. We went to the same seminars and started hanging out together after that.”

  I pulled the notepad from my pocket and found a pen. “And what’s this guy’s name?” I said.