Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  Eric and I both stared at Bud.

  “That is, I mean, hell, marriage isn’t that bad at all,” Bud said by way of explanation.

  “I think what Bud is trying to say,” I said, “is that he hopes neither of us will repeat his philosophy in front of Emily. Isn’t that about right, Bud?”

  “Couldn’t have said it better,” Bud said.

  The three of us were silent for the next two minutes before I broke the silence. “Say Eric,” I said. “When this whole thing started didn’t you tell me you’d always be in my debt?”

  “Sure, Elliott,” Eric said. “You name it and it’s yours.”

  I looked at Daisy and then at Eric. “How’d you like to be the proud owner of…?”

  “Anything but that,” Eric said. “I can’t have a dog. Leslie would be spending all her spare time picking dog hair off her clothes. Besides, just the thought of slipping a plastic bag over my hand and actually picking up…”

  “I get it,” I said. “Never mind. I’ll think of something else.”

  Eric rose from the sofa and sighed heavily. “I fell like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders,” he said. “Thank you both.”

  Bud and I stood up and walked Eric to the door. “Forget it,” I said. “I’m sure if either of us is around when someone dies and we need to cover things up that you’ll be there for us as well.”

  Eric rolled his eyes and walked out of the office. I could hear him mumbling as she shuffled off down the hall toward the elevator. “Smart ass,” I heard him say.

  I looked at Bud. “How about…?” was all I said before Bud held up both hands.

  “I told you before I’m not a dog person,” Bud said. “Figure something else out.”

  “Daisy,” I said, grabbing her leash. “Come on, girl, let’s go home.” I turned to Bud. “When’s the next time you’re working?”

  Bud looked at his pocket calendar. “Next Monday unless something comes up between then and now and you need me.”

  “See you Monday, Bud,” I said. “Lock up when you leave, would you?”

  “Sure, Elliott,” Bud said as Daisy and I left the office.

  When I got home Gloria was sitting up watching television. When she saw me come into the room she held her index finger up to her lips and whispered, “The kids are sleeping. This is the first chance I’ve had to take a breather.”

  I sidled up next to her, sat down and kissed her. “What a day,” I said.

  “Rough one?” Gloria said.

  “The work day was average,” I told her. “It’s Daisy. It’s getting to be somewhat of an inconvenience having her at the office, especially if Bud and I are both out for long stretches.”

  “Well, what can you do?” Gloria said.

  “I was wondering if I couldn’t try to reason with Matt and get him to accept her,” I said. “I know they’d grow to be great friends. She’d be much better at dealing with the neighbor’s cat than Lassie was.”

  “But you know Matt’s terrified of Daisy,” Gloria reminded me. “How can you get past that?”

  “I think I have a plan,” I said. “Just let me try something tomorrow. The office is closed until Monday and I have Daisy and her padded bed with me in the van. She can sleep in our room tonight and tomorrow, well, let’s just say that kids usually want what they can’t have.”

  “I hope you know what you’re doing, Elliott,” Gloria said.

  Daisy slept through the night in our room without stirring a muscle. The next morning I made sure to get up before Matt did. I crouched down on the living room floor, playing face to face with Daisy. When Matt got up and started walking through the living room toward the kitchen, he stopped in his tracks when he saw Daisy. Daisy and I ignored him and went on with our playing. Daisy would lick my hand and I’d pet her head and praise her. She’d roll over on her back with all four paws in the air and I’d rub her belly.

  Matt tiptoed past us and into the kitchen for his breakfast. Daisy and I stayed put. Matt positioned himself at the table in such a way that he could keep an eye on Daisy from where he sat. I looked up briefly and said good morning to my son and then went right back to playing with the dog. I rolled the ball to the other end of the room and she brought it back to me, eager to please. I picked up a thick rope ring and held it so Daisy could bite the other end of it and we both tugged at it. I found Daisy’s favorite squeaker toy and squeezed it before throwing it for her to fetch. All the while I laughed and tried to put on a show of having fun for Matt’s benefit.

  Twenty minutes later, after Matt had finished his breakfast, he slid off his chair and eased himself closer to the living room. “Daddy,” Matt said in a meek voice. I didn’t answer. “Daddy,” Matt repeated.

  I looked up from the floor and said, “What is it, Matt?”

  “Could we throw the ball outside for a while,” Matt said.

  “Maybe later,” I told him. “I’m having too much fun playing with Daisy right now.”

  Matt turned and looked up at his mother, who just shrugged. He turned back to me. “Daddy,” he said a little louder this time.”

  “Yes, Matt?” I said.

  “Would it be all right if I played with you and Daisy?” Matt said.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Let me ask Daisy.” I turned away from Matt, cupped Daisy’s ear and pretended to whisper into it. Then I held my ear close to Daisy’s mouth for a few seconds before cupping her ear again and repeating the first sequence. I grabbed Daisy’s head and turned it toward Matt. “Daisy said she’d love for you to joins us,” I told him.

  Matt smiled a nervous smile and eased him way into the living room. He stood behind me, looking over my back at the dog that was sitting quietly.

  I turned back to my son. “Would you like to pet Daisy?” I said.

  Matt looked at me with hesitation and then at Daisy, who hung her tongue out of the side of her mouth and panted. “See?” I said. “Daisy likes you. That’s what she does when she likes somebody. Come here, Matt.” I pulled him around in front of me and waited as Matt extended his hand over Daisy’s head. She didn’t move.

  Matt lowered his hand and stroked Daisy’s soft fur and then looked at me. He was smiling now. He continued stroking Daisy’s head for a few more seconds.

  I looked at Daisy and said, “Daisy, kiss.” The dog lapped at Matt’s face and he giggled. I tried another of the many commands that Daisy knew. “Daisy, down.” Daisy went from a sitting position to a lying position. I looked at Matt. “You want to try one?” I said. “Tell her to crawl, Matt. Just say, ‘Daisy, crawl’ and see what happens.”

  Matt pointed at the Daisy’s face and said, “Daisy, crawl.” The dog, still in the prone position, crawled across the floor until I whispered something in Matt’s ear and he said, “Daisy, stop.” The dog stopped and looked back at Matt, waiting for her next command.

  “See, Matt,” I said. “Daisy wants to be your friend and she just loves it when you give her commands of things to do for you. She loves to please you.” I turned to Daisy and said, “Daisy, come.” Daisy got up off the floor and walked up to me. “Daisy, sit.” She sat. Matt turned to me and smiled.

  “How would you like to have Daisy for your very own, Matt?” I said.

  “You mean it, Daddy?” Matt said. “All for my own and nobody else’s?”

  “Well,” I said, “You could let Mommy and me play with her sometimes, couldn’t you?”

  “All right,” Matt said.

  “But she’ll be your dog,” I told Matt. “It’ll be your job to feed her and walk her and take care of her. Do you think you could do that?”

  “Yes, Daddy,” Matt said and threw his arms around my neck.

  When he let go, I looked at my son and said, “I can write you a list of all the commands Daisy already knows and maybe you can train her to obey even more commands. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

  Matt nodded enthusiastically.

  “Why don’t you take Daisy outside and play with her?” I said. �
��But stay in the back yard for now, okay?”

  Matt walked toward the kitchen door but Daisy remained sitting where she was. Matt held out his hand and said, “Daisy, come.” The dog obeyed immediately. She followed Matt out into the yard and I closed the door behind them, shifting my gaze to Gloria.

  I raised my eyebrows, locked my fingers behind my head and let out a deep breath. “And that’s how it’s done, Mrs. Cooper,” I said.

  Gloria clapped. “I am impressed, Mr. Cooper,” she said.

  More impressed than you were last night?” I said.

  Gloria shook her head. “Why don’t you go out and play with the other kid?” she said.

  “I think I’ll do that,” I said, and walked outside to be with my son and his dog.

  111 - Tall, Dark and Dead

  It was just after dark when I started my walk from the office to the drug store two blocks away. My wife, Gloria had asked me to pick up a bottle of ear drops for our daughter, Olivia, before I came home. I suppose I could have driven there and then gone home, but since I no longer kept Daisy with me at the office, I didn’t get the daily exercise that came with our regular walk around the block. Besides, it was always a pain in the neck to try to find a parking place near the drug store. In the time it took to get into my van, drive over and find a space, I could just as easily walk. It was a bit chilly so I pulled the collar of my coat up against my throat and straightened the snap-brim hat on my head.

  I’d gone just half a block and was waiting at the intersection for the light to change when a black and white patrol car pulled up next to me and the car’s window rolled down. It was Officer Adam Thurgood, Daisy’s former partner and handler. Sitting in the back seat, behind the screen divider was another German Shepherd.

  “Elliott,” Adam said, “I thought that was you. Where’s Daisy? Don’t you usually walk her around the block right about this time?”

  “I used to,” I said. “Not anymore.”

  “Oh, Elliott,” Adam said, “Don’t tell me…”

  “No,” I said. “Daisy’s fine. She’s at home. Darndest thing, though. You remember me telling you how my boy, Matt was terrified of Daisy when he first saw her?”

  “Yes,” Adam said, although I never really understood why. Daisy’s such a gentle soul.

  “Well, now they’re best friends,” I said. “You should see those two playing together. Reminds me of those old Lassie episodes with Timmy.”

  “Oh, that’s great,” Adam said. “I’m so glad Daisy ended up with you and Matt. She deserves a good retirement after all the service she gave the department.”

  “I don’t know how much retirement she’s going to see the way Matt runs with her,” I said. “Sometimes, by the time I get home, Matt is still playing in the yard and Daisy is inside sleeping in the living room. I think he wears her out, but she just loves him anyway.” I pointed to the back seat. “New partner?”

  Adam smiled. “Yes,” he said. “That’s Sunny. She’s just a year old and smart as a whip. We hit it off right from the start.”

  The light changed and Adam told me that he had to get going and that he’d call soon to see if he could stop by the house and say hello to Daisy. I told him he was welcomed any time. Adam pulled away and I crossed the street, heading for the drug store. I got the ear drops from the pharmacist, picked up a bottle of antacids for myself and left the store. On the way back to my parking lot my mind started to wander with thoughts of Olivia’s first birthday coming up. One of our couple friends had had a baby just a week before Olivia was born. He was telling me about his son, Wes’s first birthday party. He had come up with a clever theme for the party. It was, “How the Wes Was One” and I thought that was pretty darned clever. Of course, I had to try to outdo him and came up with a clever theme of my own, albeit a week late. I said he could have called it, “Wes and Wewaxation at Wast.” He laughed, but also pointed out that the party was already over and that he liked his better anyway.

  As I passed the alley a block from the drug store a figure rushed out from the shadows and hit me from behind before I could duck out of the way. Just before I lost consciousness I felt my heels scraping the pavement and knew someone was dragging me backwards. Then the lights went out and that’s all I remember.

  I don’t know how long I’d been out and couldn’t tell by looking at my watch. It was gone and a quick pat of my hip pocket told me that whoever had taken my watch also helped themselves to my wallet. My hand went to the sore spot on my head. It was tender to the touch and almost immediately I realized that my snap brim hat was gone as well. I shivered in the night air and quickly looked down. My new coat had also been stolen. At least he had left me my pants and shirt. I tried to sit up, but a sudden wave of nausea washed over me and I lay back down again, trying not to vomit.

  I waited a few minutes before I tried getting up again. This time I was at least able to sit upright. My head didn’t hurt as much as it had and I decided to see if I could stand. I made it to my feet and held onto the side of the building until I was sure I wouldn’t fall over. Lying at my feet was a small white bag. Olivia’s ear drops, I thought. I bent to get the bag and felt dizzy again, but managed to grab it. I looked inside and discovered that the small glass bottle inside had broken during the struggle. The antacid bottle was still in one piece because it was a plastic container. Great, what else could go wrong?

  I slowly walked to the end of the alley and back out onto the sidewalk. If I took my time I was sure I could make it back to my office. When I got there almost ten minutes later, I tried the door. Naturally it was locked. I instinctively went for my keys before I realized that they were in my coat pocket and that someone else was now walking around with my keys and my coat and my hat, not to mention my watch and wallet.

  I rode the elevator back to the lobby and stepped out. I was just about to walk out the back door to the parking lot when I realized that even the key to my van was on that key ring. What else could go wrong? I took the elevator back up to the third floor, figuring that if it came down to it, I could always break the glass in my office door and get my spare key from my desk. I stepped off the elevator and made it half way down the hall again when I passed out.

  I’m not sure how long I’d been out this time, but when I came to, Lieutenant Eric Anderson of the L.A.P.D. was standing over me, patting my cheek and talking what sounded like gibberish to me. Next to him stood my partner, Bud and my wife, Gloria. The more I came back to consciousness, the more I could understand what Eric was saying to me.

  “Come on, Elliott,” Eric said. “Can you hear me? Can you sit up? Who did this to you?”

  My eyes fluttered open and I looked around without moving my head. My gaze stopped on Gloria’s face and I sighed. I was still clutching the white pharmacy bag and tried to hand it to her. “Sorry,” I said. “The bottle broke. I’ll have to go back.”

  “Never mind that now,” Gloria said. “Are you all right, Elliott?” She knelt next to me and stroked my face with her hand.

  “I think so,” I said. “I’m still a little dizzy, though.”

  “Just lay there until the ambulance gets here,” I head Bud say. “You might have a concussion so don’t try to exert yourself. Just stay calm and still.”

  “Did someone jump you here in the hall?” Eric said.

  I slowly shook my head. “No,” I said. “It was in the alley, I think. Yeah, just down the street on my way back here from the drug store.” Then the matter of time crossed my mind. “What time is it? How long have I been out this time?”

  “This time?” Gloria said.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Someone hit me from behind near the alley. I woke up from that hit but don’t know how long I was out. Whoever hit me took my watch, and my wallet.” I held up one arm and looked at it. “And my hat and coat,” I added. “I came back here, but couldn’t get into the office without my keys and passed out again in the hallway.”

  Eric looked at his wrist. “It’s almost midnight,” he sa
id.

  Just then the elevator door opened and two ambulance attendants in white wheeled a gurney toward me. One of the men knelt next to me and lifted my eyelids and then took my pulse before listening to my heart through his stethoscope. Then he and his partner lifted me onto the gurney and strapped me in before wheeling me back to the elevator. Eric, Bud and Gloria all followed the ambulance back to the hospital and waited until the doctor had finished examining me. The doctor decided to keep me overnight for observation, but had told Gloria that I could go home the next day.

  In my recovery room, Eric took up a place next to my bed, opposite Gloria. I saw him pull his notepad out of his pocket and then retrieve a pen. He looked down at me. “Tell me all you remember,” Eric said.

  “I don’t get it,” I said. “Why are all three of you making such a fuss over a simple mugging? You heard the doctor. I’m going to be fine.”

  “That’s right,” Eric said. “You don’t know. You couldn’t know.”

  “Know what?” I said.

  Eric cleared his throat and exchanged glances with Gloria.

  “What’s going on here?” I said.

  “Elliott,” Eric began. “Earlier this evening one of my officers took a call about a man lying in the street. When he went to investigate, he found you with a bullet in your back.”

  “Me?” I said. “But you found me in the hallway.”

  “Let me finish, Elliott,” Eric said. “The officer found a man lying in the street with a bullet in his back and when he check the man’s identification, he found your wallet on him. You name was written in black magic marker inside the brim of the hat and on the collar tag of the jacket. Naturally he assumed the dead man was someone named Elliott Cooper.”

  “Was this guy wearing a silver Timex wristwatch with the a day and date window on it?” I said. “Was it engraved, ‘Elliott from Gloria’ on the back?”

  “He was,” Eric said, “And it was just as you described it.”

  “I guess I can see how your man came to that conclusion,” I said. “But that still doesn’t explain how the three of you ended up in my hallway.”