Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  A shiver ran up Matt’s back and tingled in his ears. It couldn’t be the same guy. What were the odds? “Any leads in the burglary part?”

  “Leads?” Kevin said. “Like what?”

  “Like clues?” Matt said. “I mean did the burglar or killer leave any traces of anything behind that might identify him?”

  “They’re still going over the apartment,” Kevin explained. “I won’t get the results until tomorrow morning, maybe late tonight if anything shows up. Why?”

  Matt shook his head. “No reason, just tossing out thoughts. Any idea yet who might have dropped my card in that bar?”

  “I’ve got another pair of men going back there tonight at about the same time the twins would have been there last night. They’ll be asking some of the patrons if any of them heard anyone else talking about hiring a private eye or if anyone knows anything about any recent burglaries. I also want to know if they saw anyone following those twins out of Frank’s last night.”

  “Well, I’ll certainly be interested to know who it was who dropped my card in there,” Matt said. “I can’t think of anyone I might have given one to lately. Good luck, Kevin.” He watched as Kevin left the office, paused momentarily and picked up his phone again, dialing a number that was etched into his memory.

  “Hello,” Elliott Cooper said in an upbeat voice.

  “Dad,” Matt said. “I thought sure you’d be out fishing with Eric Anderson on a day like this.”

  “Matt, can I tell you something in confidence?”

  “Sure, Dad. What is it?”

  “If I have to see one more fish or taste another skillet-fried perch or slit open another fish and dig out its guts, I think I’m going to spit.”

  “What’s the matter, Dad, retirement not what you thought it would be?”

  “That’s putting it mildly. Eric may eat that stuff up, but I’m bored out of my mind. If I’d know it was going to be like this, I’d have held off retiring for a few more years.”

  “Funny you should say that,” Matt told him.

  “How’s that funny?” Elliott said. “Just because you still have a stimulating life, you think it’s funny that I don’t?”

  “I didn’t mean funny funny, Dad. I mean peculiar funny.”

  “How’s that?”

  “Because I’ve been working pretty hard lately and wishing I had someone here to share the workload. Grandpa Clay had you and you had Mom, but now it’s just me and it gets a little overwhelming at times. I was going to ask you if…”

  “I can be there in ten minutes,” Elliott said and hung up the phone before Matt could voice any objections.

  Matt hung up his phone and a broad smile crept onto his face. A couple seconds later he broke out in laughter. “Well, what do you know?” he said to no one in particular and went on laughing until it made him cough.

  The phone rang at that moment and Matt quickly composed himself before picking it up. “Cooper Investigations,” he said.

  “Matt.” It was Matt’s wife, Chris. “Did I catch you in the middle of anything important?”

  “Not at all,” Matt said in a cheerful voice. “What’s up, Chris?”

  “Well,” Chris said. “You certainly sound happy. You get four numbers on your scratch-off ticket?”

  “Next best thing,” Matt said. “Looks like Dad’s coming back to work here.”

  “What? I thought he was enjoying his retirement.”

  “Uh, not so much. I guess the novelty wore off and he’s bored. In fact, he’s on his way here as we speak. You know what this means, don’t you?”

  “What’s that?”

  “It means I’ll get to spend more time with you and the kids,” Matt said. “I like the job and all, but what good is it if I don’t have a good balance of family life?”

  “That’s great,” Chris said.

  There was a moment of silence between them before Matt added, “So, why was it you called in the first place?”

  “Can’t I just call to say hi?”

  “And?”

  “Well, to say hi and to remind you to bring home another gallon of milk when you come.”

  “What are those kids doing, bathing in it? I just brought home milk last night.”

  “They’re growing,” Chris reminded Matt. “They drink a lot of it and I use it myself. I’d tell you to bring home two gallons, but we don’t have room in the refrigerator for two jugs.”

  “I think I hear the elevator,” Matt said. “That must be Dad. I’ll see you tonight and I’ll let you know how much time Dad wants to put in here.” Matt hung up and quickly pulled some paper from his desk drawer and pretended to be going over them when Elliott walked in. He looked up as Elliott walked in and closed the door behind him. Matt looked up, laid his pencil down and stood.

  Elliott tried to suppress a smile and looked around the room at a place he’d spent most of his adult life in. Then his eyes settled on Matt.

  “So fishing’s not your thing,” Matt said.

  Elliott shook his head and exhaled deeply. “I don’t know how Eric can stand fishing as much as he does. I mean, after a couple of days, it’s like, ‘been there, done that, now what?’ I need variety in my life to keep from going batty.”

  “And you think you’ll find enough variety here, doing what you couldn’t wait to leave behind just a few short months ago?”

  “I guess it’s true what they say,” Elliott said. “You don’t appreciate something until it’s gone.”

  Matt gestured at his client’s chair and invited his father to sit. It felt like some kind of Twilight Zone episode now that Matt was sitting where his father usually sat. It’s was a strange reversal of roles, so to speak. He folded his hand in front of him and leaned toward Elliott. “So tell me, Dad, how much time do you want to spend doing this again?”

  “Well, not as much as I used to,” Elliott said. “I could see keeping it down to twenty-five or thirty hours a week, maybe less. I won’t know until I get back into the swing of things. You flexible on it?”

  “Dad,” Matt said. “If you want to put in sixty hours, that’s fine with me. If you want to show up just an hour a day just to have some place to go and something to do, that’s fine, too. Make it easy on yourself. I can work around whatever you want to do.”

  “That’s great, Matt,” Elliott said. “Thanks.”

  “Don’t thank me,” Matt said. “It’s just as much your business as it is mine, maybe more. Now, you just going to sit there and wax nostalgic or are you going to get down to work?” Matt gestured toward the empty desk that sat against the north wall—the one that used to be his.

  Elliott got out of Matt’s client chair and took a seat behind the second desk. He slapped his palms down on the desk top, swiveled around in the chair and purposely exhaled a deep breath for Matt’s benefit. He looked over at his son.

  “Was there anything else you wanted to talk about, Dad?” Matt said.

  Elliott held up one finger. “There was just one little request, if you wouldn’t mind.”

  “And what’s that, Dad?”

  Elliott spread his hands. “Could I have my old desk back again?”

  Matt had to laugh. He stood up, pulled open his center drawer and pulled out a few personal items before carrying them over to his former desk. He gestured for Elliott to vacate his chair and then sat after Elliott returned to his former desk.

  Elliott positioned his butt in the chair, felt the desktop and said, “Yeah, this feels more like it. Thanks, Matt.”

  “You happy now?” Matt said.

  “Uh huh,” Elliott said and swiveled his chair around to take a look out the window and down onto the boulevard below. He swiveled back around and then looked over at his son. “So, what are you working on? You got something for me to do?”

  “Actually,” Matt said, pulling out the file folder for the case he was working on. He stepped over to Elliott’s desk and laid the folder in front of him. “I just picked up a pretty interesting case.” He
explained Anne Hoffsted’s case with the missing antique wooden box that held eight thousand dollars and something else.

  “Cocaine?” Elliott said.

  Matt nodded. “I don’t want to see her get in any more trouble, so I left that part of it with Gallo. I don’t think he’ll say anything about where he got the stuff, since that would incriminate him in the burglary. No, I think he’ll just be content with keeping it and doing whatever it is those kind of people do with that stuff.”

  “And Anne got all her money back?” Elliott said.

  Matt nodded. “That stupid ass, Gallo didn’t even know the money was in that same box and I made sure it stayed that way so as not to give him any more ideas about burglarizing Anne again.” Matt looked up at the wall clock over the office door and then back at Elliott. “That reminds me, Anne’s coming here after she’s done with work. Open your bottom desk drawer and pull out her box, would you, Dad? She’ll be here shortly and I want to make sure she gets it back.”

  Elliott opened the bottom drawer in his desk and withdrew the wooden box, which was twice the size of a cigar box. He laid it on the desk and opened it. He looked back at Matt. “It’s empty.”

  Matt stepped over to Elliott’s desk and pointed to the secret compartment. “It’s under there,” he said, prying open the top section of the box.

  Elliott’s eyes got wide when he looked down at more than eight thousand dollars lying there. He did a quick whistle before Matt closed the box again and took it over to his own desk. Matt returned to finish the second half of his story.

  “There’s more,” he told Elliott and went on to explain about Lieutenant Cole’s double murder case and how it led back to Matt.

  “And you have no idea who might have dropped your card in that bar?” Elliott said.

  Matt shook his head. “Could be almost anyone.”

  He and Elliott talked about the case for a few more minutes before Matt heard the elevator door open and footsteps coming closer. “That must be Anne,” he told Elliott. The two men took their seats and tried to look busy as Anne entered the office.

  Matt looked up at Anne, who was looking at Elliott now. She looked back at Matt and said, “For a minute there, I thought that was you.”

  “Anne Hoffsted,” Matt said, gesturing toward Elliott. “This is my dad, Elliott. He works here, too, so feel free to talk in front of him.

  Elliott stood and extended his hand, shaking Anne’s and offering her a seat on the leather sofa.

  Matt picked up the wooden box and handed it to Anne. She opened it to find the top section had been emptied and wiped clean. Anne looked at Elliott and then over at Matt. “It’s all right,” Matt said. “I told Dad the whole story and he’s cool with my decision to leave you out of that part.”

  Anne sighed with relief and turned back to the box, opening the secret compartment and quickly counting her money. It was all there. She returned the money to the box and closed it, setting the box next to her on the sofa. She looked back at Matt. “Before you start thinking the wrong thing, I think I’d better explain.”

  Matt held up both palms toward Anne. “You don’t owe me any explanation,” he said.

  “I know I don’t owe you one,” Anne said, “but I’d like to explain anyway.”

  Matt gestured toward Anne with one hand. “Go ahead.”

  “Well,” she began, “you probably know that there was cocaine in that box, but I swear it wasn’t mine.” Anne caught the look Elliott and Matt exchanged and added, “No, really. It is my box, but it was someone else’s cocaine. I was just holding on to it as a favor until…”

  “Until the police finished searching the apartment or room of whoever is the rightful owner?” Elliott said.

  “Something like that,” Anne explained. “I couldn’t just let the police find it in his place and let him go to prison.”

  “And what if the police had found it in your place?” Matt said. “You’d be the one going to prison, but that’s all right with you?”

  “I know it was a dumb thing to do,” Anne said. “But it was a decision I had to make in a hurry. At least he’s not going to prison for it.”

  “Who is this ‘he’ you keep talking about?” Elliot said.

  Anne held up two palms. “I’m not saying, so please don’t ask. But I can tell you this much. I’ll never do anything like that again for anyone.”

  “Well, then,” Matt said. “It looks like we’re done.”

  Anne rose from the sofa, holding her antique wooden box. She looked at Matt. “So, do I owe you anything yet?”

  Without missing a beat Matt said, “Eight thousand should cover it,” and held his straight face until Anne’s eyebrows furrowed. He cracked a smile at that point, letting her off the hook.

  “Same ol’ Matt, aren’t you?” Anne said. “Well, then, if we’re square, I have to be going. Thanks again for everything, Matt.” She turned to Elliott. “It was certainly nice to meet you, Mr. Cooper.”

  “Same here,” Elliott said. “You’d better go straight to the bank with that. It’s not safe to carry that much cash around or to keep it in your house.”

  “I sure will, and thanks again,” Anne said and left the office.

  Matt turned to Elliott. “I’d sure like to know whose cocaine she was hiding.”

  “Yeah,” Elliott agreed. “I’d also like to know where she got that kind of money.”

  “I wondered about that myself,” Matt said, “But I didn’t think it was my place to ask her. You think she gave us a line of bullshit about the cocaine not being hers? I mean, if she was, it could explain where she got all that money.”

  Elliott shrugged. “We may never find out. Listen, are you hungry?”

  Matt checked his watch. “I could stand a bite or two. What were you thinking?”

  “I was thinking we could grab something to eat and then go to that bar and do a little snooping of our own before the police get there.”

  “For what purpose?” Matt said.

  “To find out if anyone knows who had your card.”

  “I’ll grab a sandwich with you, but then I really have to get home,” Matt said. “Chris called earlier and wanted me to bring home some more milk. Besides, what’s the point of having extra help if I can’t use it to spend more time with my family?”

  Elliott thought about it for a moment and then nodded. “I guess you’re right. You don’t mind if I poke around at the bar by myself, do you?”

  Matt shook his head. “Knock yourself out. Just let me know what you find when I see you tomorrow morning at the office.” Matt noticed a strange look on Elliott’s face. “What?”

  Elliott sheepishly looked at his son. “It’s just that I’ve kind of grown accustomed to sleeping in mornings. Would it be all right if I could stretch my twenty-five hours out over the week? I mean, I could still give you that many hours, but…”

  “But you’d like to come and go as you please, is that it?”

  Elliott shrugged and spread his hands. “If it’s not too much of an inconvenience for you.”

  “All right,” Matt said. “I guess you old guys need your rest. I’ll talk to you whenever you come in.”

  Elliott smiled again. His working life was going to be better this time around, he decided.

  Matt stopped on his way home for the milk Chris needed and then settled into his favorite chair with his twins on his lap. He told Chris all about Elliott’s plan to work part time and how he had requested that he be allowed to sleep in.

  “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” Chris said. “Be grateful for whatever your dad offers in the way of help. It’s just that much more time you’ll have with us. Besides, think of what you’d have to pay a stranger to work with you.”

  Matt frowned.

  “What is it?” Chris said.

  “We never discussed money,” Matt said. “Dad only mentioned how many hours he wanted to work and when he wanted to come in. We never talked about how much he’d be making.”


  “It’s bound to come up between now and payday,” Chris said. “I’m sure you two will work it out.”

  By nine o’clock that night Matt and Chris were sitting on the sofa watching television. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Elliott had just entered Frank’s Bar and had found a stool on the far end of the bar. He ordered a diet Pepsi and sat there nursing it as he looked around the room at the patrons. Elliott also noticed two uniformed patrolmen walking through the front door shortly after he’d arrived. Elliott couldn’t help but notice that a few of the patrons walked rather quickly toward the bathrooms. A few seconds later he heard the sound of three or four toilets flushing in both the men’s and ladies’ rooms. A few seconds after that half a dozen people emerged from the bathrooms looking relieved. Elliott could only speculate that the relief they felt was not from the act of relieving themselves.

  Elliott didn’t recognize the two officers. They appeared to be a lot younger than the rest of the cops that he knew at the twelfth precinct. He sat there quietly and watched as the two officers systematically made their way down the bar, talking to everyone sitting on the stools. They were questioning a couple sitting two stools down from Elliott when the front door opened again. Elliott was surprised to see Matt coming in. Matt scanned the room, saw Elliott sitting at the far end of the bar and hurried over to where he was still nursing his Pepsi.

  “What are you doing here?” Elliott said. “I thought you wanted to spend some more time with your family.”

  “I did that earlier,” Matt explained. “Chris was already yawning and telling me what a busy day she’d had and how she thought she’d just go on to bed. I told her I was coming here to meet you and she didn’t mind a bit. What’s happening so far?”

  Just then one of the patrolmen finished with the patron next to Elliott and moved on to the last stool—Elliott’s. “Excuse me, gentlemen,” the cop said to Matt and Elliott. “I need to ask you…”

  Elliott held one hand up. “Before you run through you canned speech, I thought I’d save you the trouble.” He pulled his shield and I.D. from his wallet and held it up for the officers to see. “We’re probably looking for the same thing both of you are.”