Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

Benny smiled again. “Tequila Mockingbird.”

  “Good one, Benny,” Matt said. “You make that one up?”

  “Nah, I heard it the other night and thought it was pretty clever. I like word plays. I heard of some satirical author who uses a play on words for the titles of some of his novels. Let’s see, there was the one about that guy who liked to shop for jewelry. I think it was called Lord of the Earrings. I kind of liked that one.”

  Matt was smiling now. “I get it,” he said. “If I wrote a book about a crime lab in the basement, I think I’d call it, Forensics In Low Places.”

  “That’s a good one, too,” Benny agreed. “How about a story centering on a guy putting a scrapbook together, but he doesn’t have anything to paste the pictures in it. I’d call that one, I Haven’t Got A Glue.”

  “That’s a bit of a stretch,” Matt said. “All right, just one more and we can put this to rest. Let’s see, how about a guy who fails as a street fighter?”

  “And what would you call that one?” Benny said, feeding into the joke.

  “I’d use the title, If At Fist You Don’t Succeed.” Matt chuckled at that one but Benny just sat there with a strange look on his face.

  “Don’t you get it?” Matt said. “Fist – first.” Forget it.”

  “I got it,” Benny said. “I just didn’t think it was all that clever.”

  “And I suppose you can do better?”

  Benny looked up at the sun visor on his side of the car, deep in thought. A smile crept onto his face as he turned to Matt. “Okay, try this one on for size. How about a story of a guy who knocks the medical examiner down and steps up onto his chest?”

  Matt rolled his eyes. “I can’t wait to hear what you’d call that one.”

  Benny held up his index finger and announced, Standing On The Coroner.”

  Matt tried to suppress a laugh as he pulled up to the curb and killed the engine.

  “What are we doing here?” Benny said, looking out his window at the Mom and Pop liquor store on the corner.

  “It’s this sweet tooth,” Matt explained. “I just need to run in for a candy bar. You want to come in with me?”

  “Benny laid his arm out the open window on his side and said, “I think I’ll just wait here and think up some more clever titles while you’re inside.”

  Matt walked into the liquor store and found the candy rack near the register. He selected his favorite chocolate bar and laid it on the counter. An old man, perhaps Elliott’s age, punched a couple of buttons and the cash register door slid open with a ting-a-ling sound. Matt handed the man a dollar but the man kept standing there with Matt’s dollar still lying in his palm. The man gestured with his chin toward the candy bar that Matt had already torn open.

  “What?” Matt said, a mouthful of candy working between his teeth.

  “That’s a buck fifty,” the old man said.

  Matt stopped chewing and looked at the wrapper again. This was the same candy bar he’d been used to buying at the grocery store for seventy-nine cents. “Are you kidding?” Matt said. “These are seventy-nine cents everywhere else. That’s robbery.” He handed the clerk another dollar and waited for his change.

  “No, this is robbery,” a voice from over Matt’s shoulder said.

  Matt turned slightly to his right to see the barrel of a gun aimed at the old man behind the counter.

  “Come on, Pop,” the robber said. “Put the cash in one of those brown bags and be quick about it.”

  The clerk gave Matt his two dollars back and then reached for a brown bag. As he was emptying the contents of the register into the bag, the gunman reached around Matt and snatched the two dollars from his hand. “I’ll take those, too,” he said.

  The clerk emptied the cash into the brown bag and was trying to hand it across to the robber. The robber looked back at the clerk and added, “Don’t forget the big bills under the drawer, Pops.”

  The old man pulled the bag back toward himself and lifted the cash register drawer up, setting it aside, scooping up two fifty dollar bills as well as a C-note. He dropped them into the bag and handed it across to the gunman.

  As the gunman grabbed the bag, he suddenly heard the sound of a hammer being cocked in his ear. “Don’t even breathe,” Benny said from behind the gunman.

  The gunman held up both hands, one with a bag of money and the other with the gun he’d brought in here. Matt relieved him of the gun and then took the money bag out of his other hand. The clerk held his hand out for the money bag but Matt held it out of his reach. “This will be evidence against him when he comes to trial,” Matt said.

  “But it’s everything I have,” the clerk said. “Without it I’ll have to close up for the rest of the day until I can get to the bank.”

  “At least someone else doesn’t have to arrange for your funeral,” Benny said from over the gunman’s shoulder. “And if this slug had gotten away with the money and by some fluke left you here alive, you’d still have to go to the bank for more money, so what’s the difference? This way we can take Jesse James here off the streets and put him where he belongs.”

  The clerk had to admit to Benny’s logic. “I guess so,” he said. “I wouldn’t want him out there robbing anyone else.”

  “It’s the right thing to do,” Matt told the clerk. Besides, it isn’t your money, is it? You’re just the clerk.”

  The clerk shook his head. “No, I’m barely making ends meet here by myself. I own the place.” He offered his hand to Benny. “Harold Breen,” he said.

  Benny shifted his revolver to his left hand and shook Breen’s right hand with his. “It’s a good thing I waited in the car, eh Matt?” Benny said.

  Matt nodded and then remembered about the candy bar. He pulled two dollars out of the brown bag and tried handing them to Breen, who just stared at the money but wouldn’t accept it. “Don’t be ridiculous,” Breen said. “Take the candy bar with my compliments.”

  Matt pocketed the bills again and then stuffed the remainder of the candy bar into his mouth, chewing a few times before offering,” Thank you, Mr. Breen.” He turned back to Benny. “Keep him covered while I call Kevin.”

  “Kevin?” Breen said. “Who’s Kevin?”

  “Lieutenant Kevin Cole at the twelfth precinct,” Matt explained. When he finished his phone call he closed his phone and dropped it back into his pocket before turning to Breen. “Now we wait.”

  Two black and white units pulled up in front of the store a few minutes later. One of the officers took Breen’s statement while the other led the gunman out to the patrol car. Kevin arrived in the second car and came into the store to talk to Matt and Benny to get their statements.

  “Good thing I had this sweet tooth,” Matt said. “Another case of being in the right place at the right time.”

  After Lieutenant Cole finished up at the liquor store, he pulled Matt aside and said in a low voice, “Matt, would you be free for the next hour or so?”

  “I guess so,” Matt said. “What’s up?”

  Kevin looked over at Benny and then pulled Matt further away from his partner. “I was on my way to interview another candidate when this call came in. How’d you like to come along with me?”

  “What about Benny?” Matt said. “We rode here together.”

  “Give him your keys,” Kevin said. “He can take the car back to the office and you can ride with me. I’ll drop you back at your office when we’re finished.”

  Matt nodded, fishing his car keys from his jacket pocket. He handed them to Benny. “You can take the car back to the office, Benny. I have to go with Kevin on a call. I won’t be long, maybe an hour or so.”

  Benny took the keys from Matt. “At least one of us will have something interesting to do.” He walked out of the liquor store, slid behind the wheel of Matt’s car and drove off.

  Matt followed Kevin out to Kevin’s cruiser and slid in next to him. “Who’s the guy you’re thinking about?” Matt said.

  “It’s not a guy,”
Kevin explained. “It’s a woman. Can you believe this? She’s a meter maid downtown. She could be just what the team needs.”

  “And just what’s so special about this particular woman?” Matt said.

  Kevin kept his eyes on the road but talked to Matt. “Do you remember when that courier was robbed on the street a few weeks ago?”

  “Should I?” Matt said.

  “Maybe you wouldn’t. In fact, I’m sure you couldn’t have heard about it. We kept everything out of the press, hoping to catch the three guys behind the heist. Anyway, right after the robbery, our meter maid happens by and in their haste to flee, one of the men drops one of the money sacks right there on the street. It was deserted at that time of day; not a soul in sight. So the meter maid recovers the sack, looks inside and sees stacks and stacks of wrapped bills. As it turns out, there was more than a hundred grand in that one bag alone.”

  “That would have tempted anyone,” Matt said.

  “Not her. She took the sack straight to the precinct and turned it in.” Kevin shook his head. “The money wasn’t marked and she could have gotten away with just keeping it, but she didn’t and that intrigued me and the captain once we decided to put this task force together.”

  “How’s the rest of her record?” Matt asked.

  “Spotless,” Kevin said. “A model officer by all accounts. Months earlier she had put in for a transfer to patrolman.”

  “Patrolman?” Matt said. “How is that possible without a sex change?”

  “Patrol person, whatever you call women cops,” Kevin said, obviously annoyed by political correctness. “It’s getting so you can’t even call a guy a fireman or mailman without some women’s libber group jumping down your throat. Even the airlines have to call their stewardesses flight attendants now.” Kevin took a deep breath, trying to rid himself of frustrating thoughts. He exhaled and went on. “Anyway, after she turned in the sack with the hundred grand in it, the captain took another look at her transfer request and rushed it through. She’s on patrol in this neighborhood even as we speak, as a matter of fact.”

  “And that’s where we’re going now?” Matt said.

  “Exactly. I radioed her and told her we’d meet her on the corner of Sunset and Bronson.” Kevin looked at his watch and added, “Right about now.” He looked out his window to see a female police officer standing at the crosswalk. Kevin pulled to the curb and gestured for the woman to get in the back seat. She slid in, closed the door and sat back in the seat as Kevin drove off. Several blocks north, Kevin pulled to the curb again and killed the engine. He turned in his seat to look at the officer and said, “Officer Lucy Bristol, I’d like you to meet Matt Cooper. Matt, Lucy.”

  “Nice to meet you, Officer Bristol,” Matt said, offering his hand.

  “Lucy,” she said. “I hope you don’t mind if I call you Matt.”

  “Not at all,” Matt said and then turned to Kevin. “So, what kind of input would you like from me?”

  “What’s this all about?” Karen said. “You said you wanted to meet with me, but this seems very strange and out of the ordinary. Why are we meeting on some deserted back street in your car, Lieutenant?”

  “Lucy,” Kevin said. “What I, or should I say we, have to say is for your ears only. It can’t go any further than the three of us for now.”

  “All right,” Lucy said, switching her gaze between Kevin and Matt. “Now will you tell me what’s going on here?”

  Matt remained silent, letting Kevin begin. “Lucy, I was just telling Matt about your job prior to your transfer to patrol. You know, turning in the courier’s money sack and all. There’s probably not one in ten who would have done what you did.”

  “What else was I supposed to do?” Lucy said. “It didn’t belong to me.”

  Kevin shot Matt a quick glance and then looked back at Lucy. “Anyway, what you did in that case exemplified the kind of person we’re looking for to join a task force that Captain Burke and a few others are in the process of putting together. We’d like to know if you’d be interested in joining that group.”

  Lucy shifted in the back seat. “What is the purpose of such a task force?”

  Matt looked at Kevin. “May I?”

  Kevin gestured toward Lucy with his palm. “Be my guest.”

  Matt looked back at Lucy. “Do the names Robert Stack or Kevin Costner mean anything to you, Lucy?”

  Lucy’s eyebrows furrowed. “You mean besides the fact that both men played Elliott Ness on television and in the movies?”

  Matt’s eyebrows shot up. “Say, you’re quick. Either that, or you’re a movie trivia nut like me. Which is it?”

  “The second one,” Lucy said. “I’ve always liked movies and TV shows, and records, too, for that matter. I can tell you more about any of those three areas than you want to know.”

  “Then you are familiar with the concept of The Untouchables?” Matt said. “An elite group of police who couldn’t be bribed, bought or scared off a case and who all had impeccable credentials.”

  “And that’s the group you’re putting together?” Lucy said, looking at Kevin now.

  Kevin nodded. “Yes, and we want you with us. Interested?”

  “You bet I am,” Lucy said enthusiastically. When do I start?”

  “We’re still in the process of putting the team together,” Kevin told her. Once we get the people we need on board we can start to handle a few of the more delicate cases that require a team like ours.”

  “What will this group be able to accomplish that regular police can’t?” Lucy asked.

  Kevin jumped back in with the explanation. “I don’t care where you are or who you are, in every police department there are always going to be patrolmen and officers who can be gotten to somehow, whether it’s from extortion over something wrong they’ve done in their past that they don’t want anyone to find out about, or greed. They say every man has his price and can be bought under the right circumstances. The people we’re looking for don’t have anything in their past that can be used as leverage. The people we want can’t be bought because their makeup is such that integrity is more important than the dollar. There are even people from the wrong side who purposely join the police force so their side will have someone on our side to tip them off when something important is about to affect them. The corruption sometimes even goes as high as judges, aldermen, councilmen and district attorneys. I guess it’s like trying to put out a fire with a squirt gun.”

  Lucy thought this over for a moment and then said, “How do you know I can’t be bought?”

  “You already proved that when you turned in the money sack,” Kevin said.

  “And can you be sure I don’t have anything in my past that can be used against me?” Lucy said.

  “What do you suppose we’ve been doing for the past few weeks since you came to our attention?” Kevin said. “You’ve already been checked out, in, down and sideways and if you have any skeletons in your closet, we can’t find them. Something tells me there are none to be found. How am I doing so far?”

  “I’m flattered that you think so highly of me,” Lucy said. “And I’ll do my best to live up to it.”

  Kevin smiled at Lucy. “I know you will. Now you have to remember that you cannot mention any of what we’ve talked about here to anyone at any time. In order for this group to be effective, we need to keep all this to ourselves. There may not be an abundance of praise at the end for a job well done, but we’ll all have the individual satisfaction of knowing we were able to make a difference.”

  Everyone was silent for the next few seconds. Kevin broke the silence. “That’s it for now, Lucy. One of us will be in contact with you during the next few weeks as we get the task force lined up. You just go about your job like normal.” He started the car and took Lucy back to the corner where he’d picked her up. Lucy got out, closed the door and walked away without further comment, as if it was just another day for her. Kevin drove Matt back to his office, assuring him that he�
��d be in touch when the time was right and the people were in place.

  Once back in his office, Matt walked directly to the window and looked down at the traffic. “You know,” he said to Benny, “I may have to come to depend on you more as time goes on. Think you can handle a little more responsibility?” He turned from the window to get Benny’s reaction.

  “I can handle it,” Benny said. “Does this have anything to do with your meeting with Lieutenant Cole just now?”

  Matt shook his head, not wanting to give anything away. “No it doesn’t. Kevin just wanted to talk to me some more about the liquor store holdup. It’s an old trick where they interview two witnesses separately to see if their stories jive. I’m sure he’ll be coming to see you soon. Just tell him the way it was as you saw it.”

  “What did you tell him?” Benny said.

  Matt shook his head again. “He asked me not to discuss our conversation with you. He just wants your version of today’s events without any influence from me. I’m sure it won’t take but a few minutes. And then we’ll both have to testify at that gunman’s trial. That’s all there is to it.”

  “Sounds like there’s something else going on in your life then that prompted you to give me more responsibility,” Benny said. “If it’s not business, then it must be of a personal nature, and I’m not going to pry into your personal life. Just know you can count on me for whatever you need.”

  “Thanks, Benny,” Matt said. “It’s good to know that.” He looked over the calendar on his desk, flipping a few pages and finding almost no notes. He turned back to Benny. “Doesn’t look like we have much going for the next few days, unless something came in while I was out.”

  “That reminds me,” Benny said, holding up a scrap of paper that he’d written on. “Chris called to say that your daughter took first place in a drawing contest at her school.”

  Matt smiled proudly. “That’s my Veronica,” he said. “You should see some of her drawings. She’s a natural. Anything else?”

  “Yeah, Chris said to tell you that someone named Olivia and Tom were coming home. Mean anything to you?”

  Matt stepped over to Benny, took the scrap of paper from him and looked at it. His face took on a wide grin as he looked back at Benny. “That’s my sister and her husband. They’re coming here?”