Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “Who the hell are you?” the man said.

  Matt shook his head. “Question is, who are you? But then I think I know the answer to that one. Your face came in crystal clear on my video earlier this afternoon.”

  The man looked at the monitor again and then back at Matt. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m getting video of you vandalizing Mr. Jacobs’ pool and house. But for the life of me I can’t figure out why. What did he ever do to you?”

  The man said nothing and looked away.

  “Well,” Matt said, “It’s obviously some sort of feud. Would you care to tell me your reasons for doing what you’ve been doing? Mr. Jacobs didn’t mention whether or not he retaliated for all that you’ve done.”

  The man laughed. “He wouldn’t.”

  “Let’s get back to my original question,” Matt said. “Who are you?”

  The man hesitated and then offered, “Larson, Jack Larson.”

  “Jimmy Olsen,” Matt said, chuckling. “I don’t suppose I’m the first person to bring that to your attention, am I?”

  Larson shook his head. “Everyone thinks they’re the first. I’m sick of the whole comparison thing.” He looked around again before adding, “So what happens now?”

  “What do you think should happen?” Matt said.

  Larson shrugged but said nothing.

  “Well, I’ll tell you what’s going to happen for sure. You’re going to reimburse Mr. Jacobs for the expenses he’s shelled out to clean up after you from the last couple of times.” Matt gestured with his chin at the monitor. “You’re also going to clean up that mess you made out there today.”

  “In your dreams,” Larson said.

  “Well, then it looks like I’ll have to move on to the alternate plan,” Matt said.

  “And what’s that?” Larson said.

  “Plan B works this way,” Matt said. “I call the cops and have them take you in. I give them the video of you vandalizing Mr. Jacobs’ property. You might make bail but then you’ll have to appear in court and tell the judge your reasons for all this childish nonsense. You’ll probably pay a huge fine, court costs plus you’ll have to pay Jacobs back for his expenses. Personally, I think that sounds way more expensive than Plan A, don’t you?”

  “I, uh,” Larson muttered.

  “Not to mention having your name in the paper under the court column,” Matt said. “Then the rest of your neighbors and maybe even your employer will know what you’ve been up to. Yeah, that ought to go over real well. So, what do you think? Wanna stay stubborn and go with Plan B or do you want to do the smart thing all around and go with Plan A?”

  Larson didn’t know quite what to say.

  Matt added, “Oh, and I forgot to mention that your little breaking and entering stunt there is a felony. It you lose your present job over it, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll find another to easily with a record. And that’s after you get finished serving, let’s see, what does B&E get you. Something like one to five in San Quentin. Now what do you think?”

  “Let’s go with the first option,” Larson said. “But at least let me tell you my side of this.”

  Matt gestured toward one of the kitchen chairs. “Have a seat, Mr. Larson. I have a feeling this is going to take a while.”

  Larson sat and folded his hands in front of him. “Where should I start?”

  “The beginning is always a good place,” Matt said.

  “Okay, in the first place Jacobs isn’t the innocent guy he’s probably making himself out to be,” Larson said. “That pool has been nothing but trouble ever since he had it put in last year. He was supposed to install a fence around it to keep any neighborhood kids from falling in and possibly drowning. He never did. I finally put up that hedge on my property line but that’s still not enough.”

  “Wouldn’t the zoning commission or the place where he applied for his building permit have insisted on a fence?” Matt asked.

  “They did and Jacobs kept promising to put one up, but he just dragged his feet and thumbed his nose at the rules.” Larson’s eyes were beginning to mist up. “A few months ago my Molly wandered over here and fell into that pool. It wasn’t even full of water yet. It was filled about three feet from the top when Molly fell in. Jacobs wasn’t home and Molly couldn’t get out and she drowned.”

  “Molly?” Matt said. “Your daughter?”

  Larson wiped his eyes and shook his head. “My dog. She was only a year old and when I got home and couldn’t find her anywhere at my house, I came over here and still couldn’t find her. I couldn’t see her body floating three feet below the rim of that damned pool. It wasn’t until much later that day, after Jacobs got home, that I came over here, knocked on the front door and asked him if he’d seen Molly. He said he hadn’t but said he’d let me know if she showed up. He walked me through the house and let me out the patio door and that’s when I found Molly floating in the pool.”

  “Didn’t Mr. Jacobs even offer to replace the dog or pay you for her?” Matt asked.

  “That’s the part that really sent me over the edge,” Larson explained. “He didn’t seem to care, and in fact his attitude was almost that of annoyance that he had to drain and clean his pool. He even had the gall to blame me for not keeping my dog on a leash, like it was my fault. And, as you can see, he still doesn’t have a fence around that damned pool.”

  Matt was starting to get a different picture of the trouble making neighbor. He remembered the dog Elliott had brought home for him when he was a kid. He was actually beginning to feel sorry for this felon. “Do you really think vandalism is the answer, Mr. Larson?”

  “What else can I do?” Larson said. “The police are no help and Jacobs just keeps ignoring the order to put up a fence.” Larson sighed and gestured at the video monitor. “And now I have all this trouble on top of everything else.”

  Matt hesitated briefly and then turned to Larson. “Maybe I can help with this part of your troubles, Mr. Larson.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Suppose you just go on home and leave that to me?” Matt said. “It’s not a big deal to erase the video and replace it with a loop of the back yard with nothing going on. When Mr. Jacobs gets home I can just tell him that I think his vandalism problem has already played itself out and whoever was doing it got tired of it and stopped. He’ll forget about it and that’ll be that.”

  “But the pool and the house,” Larson said. “He’ll see the clumps and know something happened. He’ll expect to see something on your monitor, won’t he?”

  Matt glanced at his watch and then at Larson. “Look,” he said, “I may be sticking my neck out for you, and I hope it’ll be worth it, but Mr. Jacobs isn’t due home for another five hours. Do you think between the two of us we could get that mess cleaned up good enough so that he wouldn’t notice?”

  “You’d do that for me?” Larson said, somewhat astonished.

  “The kind of business I’m in,” Matt said, “I get to meet a lot of people and I think I’m a pretty good judge of character. I think you’re worth the risk, Mr. Larson. Are you willing to give up all this vandalism nonsense and straighten things out here if I help you clean up?”

  “But he still won’t put up a fence around his pool and I have grandchildren that I’d like to have visit me,” Larson said. “But I won’t as long as there’s a chance that they could possibly fall into that pool.”

  “First things first,” Matt said. “I can always work on that end once the mess is cleaned up. So, what do you say we get moving?”

  Larson forced a smile and nodded. “Thank you.” He offered his hand. “I don’t even know your name.”

  “It’s Cooper, Matt Cooper. Now do you have a ladder we could use?”

  “It’s in my garage,” Larson said. “I’ll be back with it in a minute.” He was back in two and leaned his ladder up against the Jacobs house. “This’ll work for the roof and the gutters and for washing the side of the house, but what about the clump
s in the pool?”

  “That’s going to be your job,” Matt said. “I’ll go up on the roof and help wash the house and clean the gutters, but I’m not getting wet. You’re going to have to go in there and somehow try to get those clumps up off the bottom of the pool without stirring up the water too much. Get as much as you can out and maybe he won’t notice a little dirty residue.”

  “How do you suppose I’m going to get that up from the bottom without it disintegrating in my hands?” Larson said, scratching his head.

  “Are you married, Mr. Larson?”

  Larson nodded. “Yes, but…”

  “Does your wife wear panty hose?”

  “Where are you going with this, Mr. Cooper?” Larson said.

  “Can you find a pair of her panty hose and bring them back here?” Matt said. “They could work as kind of a net for scooping up the bigger pieces at the bottom of the pool.”

  “That could work,” Larson said and ran back home to get a pair. He returned five minutes later with the panty hose. He was dressed in nothing more than a pair of swim trunks. Matt was already up on the roof with a broom he’d found in Jacobs’ garage. Larson carefully and slowly descended the ladder into the pool and dove to the bottom, trying to guide the dirt clumps into the panty hose. He surfaced several times in between for air but managed to get most of the dirt off the pool floor. He swam around on the surface scooping the grassy clumps into the panty hose as well. When he’d gotten most of the debris from the pool he climbed the ladder again and pulled the heavy laden panty hose up with him. He tossed it over the hedge into his own yard as Matt was coming down the ladder.

  “How’d you do?” Matt said.

  Larson gestured toward the pool. “Take a look.”

  Matt inspected the pool and found it acceptable enough for the time being.

  “What now?” Larson said.

  “Why don’t you go home and get dressed again and come back and help me wash the side of the house?” Matt said. “I got the roof swept off and the dirt’s in the gutters. I tossed the grassy clumps over into your yard after I saw you toss the full panty hose there. You can clean that up after we take care of this place. When we’re done washing the side of the house, I’ll have to go back up on the roof with a hose and wash all that dirt toward the downspout. You’ll be at the outlet with the panty hose to catch the dirt as it comes out. When that’s all done, we can just hose down the patio and we’re done.”

  “I’ll go empty out the panty hose and bring it back here,” Larson said. “I might as well stay in these swim trunks until we’re done flushing the gutters.” He returned to his yard, dumped the contents of the panty hose into his trash can and brought them back to Jacobs’ yard. He and Matt got down to work and had the side of Jacobs’ house cleaned off in twenty minutes.

  Matt climbed the ladder again with Jacobs’ garden hose in one hand. Once on the roof again, Matt flushed the dirt down the gutters to the downspout. Larson caught most of what came out and carried the dirty bundle of wrapped panty hose back to his yard. Matt climbed back down the ladder and handed it over the hedge to Larson, who put it back in his garage.

  The two of them hosed and swept until Jacobs’ patio was clean again. It looked like they’d gotten most of it. Matt looked at his watch. They’d cleaned up the entire area with ninety minutes to spare before Jacobs was due to come home from work.

  Matt laid one hand on Larson’s shoulder. “Looks like we just may get away with this.”

  “Thanks again, Mr. Cooper,” Larson said. “I’d better get home and get cleaned up before Agnes gets home. I hope she doesn’t have all her panty hose counted. I’m not going to tell her that I took one.”

  “And I’d better get back in the kitchen and get busy editing that video into a continuous loop of nothing happening,” Matt said. “You stay out of trouble now, you hear?”

  “I will,” Larson said, squeezing between the hedges into his yard.

  Matt had the editing task completed in half an hour. Now all he had to do was wait for Jacobs to return home. He’d assure his client that all was well and that the trouble had probably played itself out.

  Nearly an hour later Matt sat at the kitchen table watching the video loop when he heard the garage door open and a vehicle pull into it. The kitchen door opened and Cecil Jacobs walked in, closing the door behind him. He looked at Matt. “Mr. Cooper,” he said. “How’d everything go here? Did you see anything on your surveillance video?”

  Matt got up from the chair and greeted Mr. Jacobs. He shook his head. “No, I’m afraid it was a total bust. There’s nothing on the video but several views of your back yard and pool.”

  “All that time wasted,” Jacobs said. “I’m sorry you had to sit through nine hours of boredom.”

  “It wasn’t all boring,” Matt said, formulating a story in his head on the fly. “There was one event earlier today. A large crow landed on the pool ladder and he had something in his mouth. It dropped into the pool and I think a little dirt from whatever he was carrying got into the pool. Shouldn’t be too hard to scoop out with a net. But that was about it for the whole day. I have a feeling that whoever may have been vandalizing your pool and house may have gotten tired of it and quit.”

  “I certainly hope you’re right,” Jacobs said. “What do I owe you for your time, Mr. Cooper?”

  “I’ll send you a bill,” Matt said, packing up his video equipment and taking the cameras out of their positions at the windows. When he had everything packed up, Matt let himself out the garage door but returned fifteen seconds later, knocking on the kitchen door. When Jacobs opened the door Matt sheepishly said. “I just remembered that I rode here with you. I’m going to need a ride back to my office.”

  “Of course,” Jacobs said. “I forgot about it myself. Come on, get in the car. I’ll drive you back right now.

  On the way back to Hollywood Boulevard, Matt turned to Cecil Jacobs and said, “You know, I’ve had nine hours to sit there watching your yard and pool and during that time a thought had occurred to me.”

  “What’s that?” Jacobs said.

  “I was wondering what would happen if one of the neighborhood kids wandered into your back yard and fell into your pool,” Matt said, trying to sound as if the statement was totally his own. “Wouldn’t you be liable for and injury or death that happened as a result of your not having the fence up?”

  “I’ve thought about it,” Jacobs said. “But I figure if anyone trespasses and gets hurt, that’s their tough luck. They shouldn’t be on my property in the first place. It’s not my job to watch everyone else’s kids. I’ve got my hands full just managing my own life. Besides, do you know what a fence like that would cost? I got an estimate a while back and the guy wanted almost three grand for a simple stockade fence. I can’t afford to waste money like that. Maybe I should at least put up a No Trespassing sign, though. You know, just to cover myself in the event that someone does go back there. Hell, I can pick one up on the way home for a buck or less.”

  “That’s it?” Matt said. “Don’t you care that some kid might die in your pool? You may or may not be legally responsible but imagine how you’d feel if you came home and found some kid floating face down in your pool.”

  “Isn’t that what my homeowner’s insurance is for?” Jacobs said offhandedly.

  Matt could see it was useless trying to talk sense into this callous person. He turned to face the windshield and stared out at the traffic in silence. When Jacobs pulled up to the curb in front of Matt’s office, Matt silently slid out and walked away without further comment. He’d had enough of Cecil Jacobs.

  Matt dropped his video equipment off in his office and returned to his car. When he got home he found his twins, Nicholas and Veronica quietly watching television with their mother. Matt walked into the living room and was greeted by three smiling faces. Veronica was the first to get up off the floor to greet him. Matt gave her a hug and held on tighter and longer than usual before releasing her. Nicky j
ust waved from his sitting position. Matt bent down and kissed his wife, Chris, and then collapsed on the sofa next to her.

  “Long day?” Chris said.

  Matt nodded and laid his head on her shoulder. “You don’t know the half of it,” he said.

  After Chris reheated his dinner and set it on the table, Matt finished eating and returned to the sofa where he fell asleep in the middle of the television program. Chris woke him up after the kids had gone to bed. She helped Matt to their bedroom and helped his undress. Matt was asleep again in less than a minute after he’d crawled under the covers.

  The next day at the office, Matt got in a few minutes before Benny showed up. Mat had just finished printing out Cecil Jacobs’ bill as Benny hung up his coat and took a seat at his desk. “How’d it go yesterday on your stakeout?” Benny said.

  Matt sealed the bill in an envelope, placed a stamp on it and laid the envelope on the corner of his desk. He walked over to Benny’s desk and sat in the client’s chair across from his partner. “Benny,” Matt began. “I’m going to tell you how my day went yesterday and when I finish, I want you to forget what I said and what I did. I don’t want you following my example for other clients, but there were special circumstances involved with this case that warranted my actions.”

  When Matt had finished explaining himself to his partner, Benny sighed and said. “Wow, it sounds like that Jacobs character was one cold fish. Imagine not caring if some kid drowned in your pool. No, I think you did exactly the right thing, getting the neighbor off the hook like that.”

  “But like I said,” Matt explained. “It was a total conflict of interest with the client and I wouldn’t want to set a precedent with any other clients. We’re supposed to be working in the best interests of the person who hires us, but as you can see, it didn’t exactly work out like that.”

  “I get it,” Benny said. “And before I’d even think of turning the tables on a client, I’d check with you first.”