“What are you talking about? You want me to go? This doesn’t even make sense. You’re having my child.” He looked as if he struggled to get the last part out and she could see in his eyes the fear she knew he was feeling at the prospect of being a father.
“It’s okay, Jesse.” It wasn’t, but what else was she supposed to say? “Please just go. We both need time to process this separately. But the fact of the matter remains that I think it would be foolish for us to carry on this thing between us any longer. I have too much to figure out, and I don’t need the distraction of a relationship that’s going nowhere.” Her chest contracted painfully at the words, and as much as she knew they had to be said, she wished she could take them back.
He dropped his hands as if he’d been burned and looked as if he wanted to say something else, but one sharp shake of her head told him that she didn’t want to hear anything else right now. Turning on his heel, he stomped from the room.
As she sank down onto her bed and dropped her head into her hands, she dimly heard the door slam as he left the apartment. Her sisters came rushing in, but she waved them away. It was too much right now. She just wanted to be alone to try to make sense of how everything had gone so terribly wrong in the past hour.
And as they left and she curled up on her bed, drawing the covers up over her head, she let the grief of losing the one thing that meant the most to her in the entire world wash over her.
***
Jesse had lost count of how many beers he’d downed since sitting down to the bar at the Old Gin, but he was sure Jack wouldn’t let him drink himself into oblivion. Probably.
He was having a hard time making sense of everything that had happened. He’d called Lissa several times over the course of the day, but she hadn’t answered.
It was unbelievable. He was going to be a father. And he had no idea how he felt about that. He had always been certain that he didn’t want that. But his reaction hadn’t been one of regret or apprehension. It was more of a numbness, a lack of comprehension, brought on in no small part because Lissa claimed she wanted to end their relationship.
He couldn’t understand it.
“It’s everything she’s ever wanted,” he said into his glass. “Why would she push me away?” He threw a glance in Jack’s direction. “Tell me you understand women more than I do.”
Jack laughed mirthlessly. “If only, my friend. They are still as big a mystery to me as ever. Pregnant ones even more.” He grimaced.
Jesse snorted. “You’re telling me. I’m such an idiot. I never should have let myself get involved with her in the first place.”
Jack drained his glass and signaled for the bartender to bring another round. “Would you not, if you had to do it all over again? Knowing how it would end?”
He felt a pang in his chest at Jack’s words. So final. He tried to imagine what it would be like if the last couple months had never happened. If he and Lissa were still carrying on with their regular working relationship. He couldn’t do it. Too much had happened, too many things had been said.
He shook his head. “I must be even dumber than I thought. Because I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.”
Jack gave him a knowing look. Like he saw more of the situation than Jesse himself did. Maybe he did. After all, he’d been the one who got the girl in the end. Unlike him. He tilted the new beer mug back, trying to ignore the hollowness that was starting to gnaw at him. The emptiness that had been growing since he first walked out of Lissa’s apartment that morning.
“So,” Jack said, pausing as if to gather his thoughts. “If you’d do it all again, that has to mean something, right?”
“Yeah, that I’m an idiot. I thought we’d already established this?”
Jack chuckled. “Not quite. But we may soon if you keep acting so dense. Jesse, you love her. Anyone can see it.”
“I know that, man. I’m not denying it. I’ve loved her for who knows how long? That doesn’t mean I’m any good for her…or the baby.” The words almost got stuck in his throat.
“Let’s go there then, since you mentioned it.”
Jesse cut his eyes at Jack. “Are we going to have to order a pint of ice cream to go along with these feelings you want me to spew?”
“Nah. Some peanuts will be fine. But you obviously want to talk about it or you wouldn’t still be sitting here with me. You would have found your way home and drank yourself stupid.” Jack clapped him on the shoulder.
Jesse mulled over his thoughts for a few minutes while Jack sat silently, knowing Jesse would speak when he was ready.
What did he think about the baby? He’d not let himself think too hard about it because he’d been so devastated over losing Lissa. But now he let himself imagine what life with a child could be like. Instead of the painful memories of his own childhood that he’d expected, he was jolted by the vision of himself and Lissa, happily staring at each other over a tiny bundled up baby. And it made his chest contract painfully with longing.
He wanted that. More than he’d ever realized. He wanted the family that he’d been denied. But the longing was coupled with fear. How could he be a good father and husband when he had no idea how? He could be just as terrible a father as his own dad had been—in fact, he had always believed that to be true. The primary reason he’d decided his fate with Lissa long before she turned him upside down and made him question everything.
Then he thought about his sister. She had grown up without a father. How could he do that to his own child? If everything else was muddled, one thing was crystal clear—he wouldn’t. He would never ignore or deny his own child, even if he didn’t think he was cut out for the job. But how could he overcome all his issues and be the type of father that a child deserved? And even if he was able to, where did that leave him and Lissa?
“Well, you going to share any of those deep thoughts?” Jack finally prodded, shaking him out of his trance. “The baby? What are you going to do?”
Jesse shook his head. “I honestly have no idea.” He had a lot to sort through, demons to be dealt with, and though he didn’t have the faintest clue how he might do that, he knew he better start figuring it out.
***
If not for her sisters, Lissa wouldn’t have made it through the next few days. They had stayed with her most nights and made sure she ate and slept. It was all mostly a blur, everything going on around her dulled by the pain that accompanied the shattering of her heart.
Things had been beyond stilted between her and Jesse any time they happened to run into each other at the store, even though she had done her very best to avoid him altogether. Not an easy task when they worked together.
She couldn’t even think far enough ahead at the moment to figure out what she was going to do, but she didn’t know how she could continue working there once she got past the store opening. It was just too uncomfortable. And too painful.
Some small part of her must have hoped that Jesse would come to the rescue and say all of the things that she longed to hear, and mean them from the bottom of his heart, but that was just wishful thinking. Of course he was freaked out. And of course he was more than happy that she had put an end to things. Saved him the trouble of being the bad guy, right?
That didn’t make it hurt any less.
Saturday was there before she knew it and she was at work bright and early, ready to oversee the grand opening of the new boutique. Her sisters were there, as was her mother, who must know about the baby and the breakup, but had remained strangely quiet about it.
Even Cassie made it out despite the fact that she was supposed to be on bed rest. She had just wrapped up some last-minute instructions with the new employees and walked back to the office to make herself a cup of coffee, decaf now that she knew about the baby. She rested her hand on her stomach as the coffee brewed.
“Are you sure the coffee is a good idea?” Lissa’s heart jumped at the sound of Jesse’s voice, just as it always had. But she didn’t turn around.
I just mean because of the baby.” It was the first time he had said the word since she had told him three days before. She squeezed her eyes shut against the flood of pain that overtook her but still would not allow herself to look at him. She didn’t want to see the look he must have on his face.
“It’s decaf,” she said bluntly. She quickly doctored up her coffee with plenty of cream and turned to take it back with her to the front floor of the store, but before she could make it to the door, Jesse grabbed her arm and whirled her around to face him.
“How long do you want to keep ignoring me?” He demanded. She met his gaze for the first time in days and was shocked to see the dark circles under his eyes. He looked more exhausted than she felt. “I can’t go on like this, Lissa. You won’t take my calls, you avoid me at work. You have to at least talk to me.”
She knew they did need to talk. There was so much left unfinished, but it would have to wait until after this weekend. She sighed, wanting nothing more than to reach up and touch his face, to run her finger along that stubbled jawline, but she knew she couldn’t, that she never would again. She deliberately took a step back from him, trying to ignore the pain that flashed through his eyes.
“I know, and we will. But I can’t deal with this right now. There’s just too much and…I just can’t.”
He looked at her, eyes wide with worry, and his gaze traveled down to her stomach before snapping back up to her eyes. “Are you okay? I just need to know that you—the baby—that you both are okay. Everything else can wait.”
She nodded mutely then spun on her heel and raced for the safety of numbers. Anything to keep from being alone with him and have to keep her distance, to have to fight the urge to throw herself back into his arms and beg him to be the husband and father she knew he could be. But that was pointless. He wasn’t there yet, and she didn’t know if he ever would be.
She felt his eyes on her as she retreated, but then she threw herself into the work of the day, trying her best to stay so busy that she didn’t have a chance to think about him. About the look of concern on his face, the hint of sorrow in his eyes. They would talk, and soon. And how she dreaded it.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The grand opening went off without a hitch, and Jesse couldn’t be more proud of Lissa. She had done it. She had saved the store. It felt as if the entire town of Willow Valley had dropped in at some point throughout the day, and their grand opening sales had generated enough revenue to cover all their initial expenses. He felt really optimistic about the future of the store now that Lissa’s boutique had come to fruition.
If only he could feel as hopeful about his future with Lissa. She’d run out once the store had closed before he could catch her to ask her to stay for a few minutes. He desperately needed to talk to her.
Now, as all the remaining employees that had been in to help with the grand opening began to make their way out, Abby came in and gave him a huge grin.
“Looks like it was a success!”
“That it was.” He offered her a half-hearted smile. He just couldn’t muster up the energy to fake it anymore. He’d done enough of that all day.
Abby gave him a sympathetic look and reached out to squeeze his arm. “Want to talk about it?”
He hadn’t spoken about anything that had happened between him and Lissa the other day to anyone other than Jack, but he wasn’t surprised that Abby had noticed something. It would have been hard not to, working with them day in and day out.
“Not really,” he replied, but then he looked at her more closely. “Actually, maybe I do.” He went and sat on the couch, and she followed behind him and sat waiting, letting him take his time to collect his thoughts.
He was so conflicted about the whole being a father thing. But Abby, she’d grown up without a father. If anyone could understand his hang-ups, it had to be her.
He jumped right in. “Do you think that my father’s—our father’s—absence in your life has messed you up?” Her mouth dropped open. “What I mean is, do you think that with everything that you’ve dealt with over the years—do you think that you’re permanently scarred from it?”
She pursed her lips and took a minute before responding. “Sure, I think there are scars. How couldn’t there be? I grew up thinking, not wrongly it turns out, that my father didn’t want anything to do with me. That’s totally damaging to a young child’s psyche. And that doesn’t just go away. It’s always there, waiting to strike you down when you think things are finally going your way.”
It was as if she were seeing his inner soul, and he wondered what all she had dealt with through the years thanks to their father. He hoped in time he would get to know her well enough for her to open up more to him.
“But, Jesse, I don’t think I’m damaged goods if that’s what you mean.”
He started to protest, but she held up a hand.
“I know that’s not exactly what you were implying, but my point is that the same goes for you. I know you must have brought a lot of baggage into your relationship with Lissa. How could you not? But that doesn’t mean that history is destined to repeat itself.”
“Isn’t it?” he wondered aloud. Wasn’t that just what he was afraid of when it got to the heart of the matter?
“No,” Abby said firmly. “Sure, there are plenty of examples of it, but don’t you think the fact that you’re aware of the possibility in the first place counts for something? You actively do not want to you like your father. You’ve taken steps to make sure you aren’t. So to tell yourself that you’re just like him really only holds as much merit as you allow it to.”
Jesse smiled at her. “How did you get to be so wise?”
“Well, I’ve made my own mistakes. I’ve let my history dictate plenty in how I chose to lead my life. But I’m done with that now. I’ve realized that I’m the one in control of who I am, not my parents, not anyone else in my past.” She said it firmly, with a flare of fierce resolve in her eyes, and Jesse wondered again what all she had gone through in her life.
“I know you’re right, deep down. But it’s so damn scary. To trust that I won’t make the same mistakes. Especially when there are other people that are counting on me.” Lissa, and now the baby.
“Jesse,” Abby said softly, placing a hand lightly on his, “from everything I’ve seen of you, I don’t think you could be like our father if you tried. It’s not who you want to be. You aren’t him. And I think the only person who doesn’t believe that is you.”
It was true. How many times had Lissa told him that he wasn’t over the years? More than he could remember.
So where did that leave him?
“I can’t lose her, Abby.” He set his jaw and knew he had never spoken truer words. “I love her.”
“I know you do. It’s written all over your face every time the two of you are in the same room.” She smiled, and he returned it with a wry one of his own. “The question is, what are you going to do about it?”
Jack had asked him the same thing. Over the last three days, he’d pretty much come to the same conclusion that Abby had spelled out for him. He’d been a total idiot. He’d wasted so much time and energy worrying about protecting Lissa—and himself, he could admit now—that he’d failed to see the truth.
They were meant for each other.
“I’m going to go get the girl.”
***
Lissa was dragged out of her pity party for one by a knock at her door.
“Go away,” she called from where she lay curled up under a blanket, staring at the muted television as images she wasn’t even paying attention to flashed on the screen. She had enough going on in her head to keep her plenty occupied. So much so that she hadn’t been able to sleep well in days, despite the tiredness of the pregnancy.
Seeing Jesse—or rather, avoiding Jesse—day in and day out was exhausting, emotionally and physically. It didn’t help that her hormones were out of control. She didn’t
know if she was a basket case because she was pregnant or because her heart was breaking.
The knocking became even more insistent.
“Lissa, let me in. We need to talk.”
She groaned and pulled the blanket up over her head. She knew this was coming, but she really didn’t want to face it. It would be too easy to leave things as they were after their last conversation, the day she’d found out she was pregnant. Of course, they had a lot to talk about. She was carrying his child. And they really needed some sense of closure on their relationship. Especially if she was going to continue working for him, which seemed both impossible to consider and her only option.
He knocked again. “Look, I’m trying to be patient and do this your way, but I got a key from Jack and I will come in there if you don’t open the door.”
She yanked the blanket down and sat up at that. The only way Jack had given Jesse a key was if Cassie gave it to him in the first place. What a traitor! She’d be having words with her best friend after this. Yeah, Cassie had tried to talk to her over the last few days, tried to convince her that she was being irrational and that she couldn’t just break it off with Jesse. That she was certain Jesse loved her and they could make it work. But she’d brushed her off, too busy with the store and too raw to deal with it.
Now that the grand opening was behind them, it looked like she had no other choice but to face things head on.
“Fine,” she called through the door. “Hang on.” She looked in the mirror hanging over the entry table and cringed. Not only did she look exhausted, but her hair was sticking out in a million directions, a frizzy red mess that wouldn’t be subdued. But she tried in any case. Pulling it into a messy bun on top of her head and rubbing at the smudged mascara under her eyes, she took a deep breath and told herself she could do this. Of course she could.
When she pulled open the front door, she didn’t expect to see a bouquet of flowers large enough to almost obscure Jesse’s face.
“What on earth?” she said to the mass of lilies and lavender. The overpowering smell of her favorite flowers almost made her nauseous, and thankfully Jesse stepped past her and set them at a far enough distance that the smell didn’t completely do her in. Who knew pregnancy could make even a favorite scent enough to make her sick?
Meant for Love Page 14