by Claire Adams
"Look, I didn't want to do this before finals; it wouldn't have been fair," I started.
"Didn't want to do what?"
"This, Veronica," I said. I never called her by her full name, and I could see the effect it had on her. She stopped looking confused and started looking scared.
"What?"
"The two of us. It's not working anymore. I want to break up." I hated how steady my voice sounded lying to her like that. That was what it was, another fucking lie. I loved the shit out of this girl, but I had to make her believe that I didn't. I had to push her away, and I had to do whatever I had to in order to make her see that we couldn't work anymore.
"Break up? What are you talking about, Roman? Why?"
"You wanted to know why I've been distant lately." She looked hurt.
"Did I do something?" she asked. No, I thought. You're perfect, but that's why I have to let you go.
"It's been almost three years. We're different people now, Veronica."
"Where is this coming from?" she asked. "I thought we were on the same page. When did you start feeling like this?"
"That doesn't make a difference. I can't be with you anymore."
"You asked me to come here with you just so you could tell me this?"
"I thought you deserved more than a text," I snapped. She stood suddenly. Good, leave, I thought. Don't drag it out anymore.
"You thought I deserved more than a text? How fucking kind of you, Roman. You still haven't told me anything. This is totally out of left field – where is this coming from?" she stopped herself, looking at me. "Is there someone else?"
"At least I'm telling you before you found out yourself," I said spitefully. Her face drained. She blinked a few times, her eyes filling with tears. Everything in my body was telling me to go to her, hug her and make it stop. I was hurting her, but I had to do it. What she would feel waiting for me to come back from deployment would be much worse. It was for her own good.
"No," she said, shaking her head. "You're lying to me."
"Maybe I should have just sent you a fucking text," I spat.
"Why are you being so cruel?" Her tears flowed down her cheeks.
"It's over, Veronica. I shouldn't have to spell it out for you."
"What did I do?" Her voice was small and empty.
"Nothing. I'm not going to ask you to be my friend because that's just insulting. I just don't want to be with you anymore."
"What is it? Why? Am I holding you back?"
"Don't put words in my mouth, Veronica. I didn't fucking want this. I wanted this to be easy, and clean." I swallowed, the words didn’t want to come out of my throat. “I don’t love you anymore.” I practically heard it break, shatter, the last two and a half years together, in love and happy. I had just destroyed it.
"Easy and clean? The person you've loved for years suddenly telling you they're done with you? How the hell could that ever be clean?" She reached down for her backpack and started angrily towards the door.
"I'll send your shit over to your apartment," I said, not turning to look at her.
"No. Don't. That would be asking way too much. Just throw it out, I don't care. You can stop pretending that you do, too. But you know what? Thanks for telling me. Now I don’t have to lie to myself that any of this has been real." I heard the door open and slam closed. I was alone. I let out a ragged breath and felt my body unclench.
It was over. I had done it. Broken up with the girl I had been in love with for two and a half years so it wouldn't hurt her when I had to leave in a few days.
I didn't know what the fuck I had expected to feel when I finally did it. It would have been nice to feel like I had done the right thing but I didn't. I felt like a monster. She had been crying, heartbroken, and it was because of me.
I only lived a floor up. If I went after her now, I'd probably still find her backing out of her parking spot. No. I wasn't going to do that. It was this or make her wait... I had chosen this.
When did this start paying off? Because seeing her face, I didn't know anymore whether it was the right decision. If she wasn't attached to me anymore, I wasn't her problem. Whatever happened to me didn't have to worry her. She would be fine, I knew she would be. I just wasn't that sure about myself anymore.
Several hours later, my phone rang. I knew who was on the other end of the line before I looked. I also knew who I wished that it was instead. I answered; ignoring it wasn't an option.
"Hello?"
"This is Chief Hanson with the National Guard. How are you this evening?"
The last time I had gotten this phone call, I had gotten the warning order for my deployment delivered to my dad's house a few days earlier. That had been about a month ago, apparently a lot longer than most people got before they had to leave.
"Fine," I lied, "how are you?" I threw in even though he wasn't going to tell me.
"You and your battalion have been transferred to active duty. You have three days to report. Do you understand?" he said. I said that I did. He kept talking after that, and I just kept telling him okay. Okay. Okay, I'd be there. Okay, I knew I had paperwork to process.
We were being deployed in support of Operation Freedom's Sentinel for any duration up to eighteen months. I had to report Monday morning, 8a.m. Destination: Bagram Airfield, Afghanistan.
Chapter Four
Veronica
I wiped my cheeks angrily. I didn't want to anyone to see me like this. I kept my face down because if I did, I wouldn't see him when he came out of the apartment after me, apologizing and telling me he didn't mean any of the horrible shit he had just said to me. The part of me that wanted him to come after me knew he wasn't, but wanted it anyway.
I was in shock. The words he had said were still processing and it was like my body didn't want to make sense of it. He had said it was over, but how could it be? It was Roman. We were going to celebrate three years together in the fall. He was my boyfriend, my longest, best relationship. I loved him. I thought he loved me, too. He was my best friend after Tiffany. The person I'd shared my soul and body with for years, and now it was over?
Something inside me was rejecting it. No way...just no. There was no way that was it. I got outside and the cool spring air bit my wet cheeks. I knew I looked like I had just been crying and needed to get home. Maybe there this would make some goddamn sense. I got into my car and started driving. Thank God my car was working again. I couldn't imagine having to wait here for a cab or calling someone to pick me up, not when I was like this.
I wished I could drive past my place and just go home. Home was twenty-five minutes away, not that far, but my apartment was walking distance from Roman's place and that was too close. Physical distance between us wouldn't change what had just happened, but it would make it easier to pretend that it hadn't.
I wanted him to disappear. I wanted him gone. If he wanted to move on alone, then I'd help him. I didn't want to see him again. Never. I felt angry now. I was sad before, confused, then hurt, but now I was just mad. What the fuck? That piece of shit, how long had we been together before he decided to show is true colors like this?
And what he had said about there being someone else...
I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't do that to myself. If there was somebody else, I'd just get checked out to make sure he hadn't given me anything. I’d thought I knew the guy, but obviously, I had no idea who he was if I hadn't seen this coming. That meant I couldn't trust that he'd be smart or considerate enough to wrap it up if he had been sleeping with someone else.
It made sense, though, now that I thought about it. He had canceled the vacation plans we had been making because “he wanted to spend his limited off time at home.” He hadn't wanted to see my parents because “he had a lot of other stuff going on.” He had been distant because he was waiting for the right time to fucking dump me.
I unlocked the door of my apartment and let myself inside, calling Deana's name to see if she was home. She wasn't. She was alr
ight as a roommate, but I doubted she would want to be around me when I was feeling like this. I went straight to my room, dropping my backpack on the ground and face-planting into my bed.
What now? I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to lie in my bed and think about him, but how could I not after what had just happened? He had hit the brakes so hard and so suddenly, I was still careening out of control. It just didn't make sense. He was one of the things I thought I could be sure about. I felt secure with him, in love and proud of the friendship and love we had built that was thriving... Or at least had been.
I couldn't take it anymore. I cried. All my anger and frustration escaped, and I broke. I hated him so much for what he had said to me, but it was no match for almost three years of loving him with everything I had. He hadn't been my first, but he had been the first person I had slept with who made me feel good afterward, like it wasn't a mistake or could have been better. He felt part of me, so obvious there couldn't have been a time that we weren't together because the two of us fit so well.
I couldn't do this. I felt like shit, but how the hell could the first thing I did after Roman dumped me be lying in bed crying about it? I felt so weak already, I was just going to make myself feel worse. I got to my feet and took my hoodie off, trying to figure out what to do with myself.
A shower. I always felt better after taking showers. I could start there and once I was out, I would be able to do something other than lie in bed being pathetic. I had pulled my t-shirt up over my head when there was a knock at the door.
I dragged myself to my feet and went to get the door. Tiffany was standing on the other side, phone in hand. She didn't look like someone who had just come out on the other side of finals week. She was a tall girl and had no problem making herself even more imposing with heels. I was guessing that we didn't feel cold the same way because she somehow wasn't freezing outside in tights, a short skirt, and a light sweater. It was spring, but it was still a little windy in the sixties. She was the best and worst person who could have possibly walked through my door.
It wasn't her fault that her dark, almost black hair and blue eyes were traits she shared with my now-ex, but I was a little mad about it, I couldn't lie. They were siblings, she couldn't help that they sort of looked alike.
"I was just about to call you? What took you so long," she said, walking in past me.
"Welcome. Come right in," I said sarcastically, closing the door behind her.
Someone was in a good mood. I hated her a little for it, then reminded myself it wasn't my fault I was feeling so rotten. Getting dumped did that to you, and it hadn't even been half a day since it had happened. I was reserving the right to feel like shit, at least till that edge wore off. That said, she couldn't help that her brother had just dumped me for no apparent good reason, and I had to remember not to lash out at her just because I was feeling hurt.
"For a minute, I thought you were out or something. Is Deana here?" she asked. Suddenly, I felt exhausted. Tiffany had blown in with a wave of energy that I just couldn't mirror. I was spent. I was feeling mopey and upset and being around someone who was obviously in a much better mood was doing nothing for me.
"Just me," I said, watching her sit on the couch, nothing out of the ordinary, but part of me hoped she had plans later. It wasn't that I didn't want to see her, it was that I didn't want to see anybody. I wanted to cocoon myself in this apartment till it stopped hurting. The other part wanted to tell her, tell anyone that Roman Blake was a piece of shit and I hated him and list all the reasons why.
"I've been trying to call you."
"Sorry. I forgot to turn my ringer back on after my test," I said, trying to jolt myself into a better headspace. "I should have asked you to bring something with you, the fridge is bare."
"I grabbed a bite to eat after my paper today. I'm so glad the semester's almost over. Just one more test tonight," she said. One of her classes was at night, a general education course she had taken because she didn't want to end up taking it sophomore year.
"Already done," I quipped.
"Ugh, I'm jealous," she said. "I can't wait to be home again. I'm not looking forward to longer hours at work, but at least I won't have to juggle that with school," she said.
"That sounds great," I said, coming to sit on the couch with her. I had heard maybe half of what she had said and guessed the rest.
"This girl in my statistics class is an international student; she invited her boyfriend to spend summer with her and her family in Italy, can you believe that?" she said.
"At least they're staying together," I said mostly to myself, dazed before I realized that wasn't the sort of response Tiff had been looking for. She sat up straight, her eyes scrutinizing my face.
"Are you alright?" she asked suddenly. I bit my lip and shook my head. "What happened?"
"Ask your brother," I said bitterly.
"Roman? What did he do?"
"What does it mean when a guy tells you out of nowhere after almost three years that it's over?" I asked. Tiffany's jaw fell open.
"He didn't."
"He did. I had the same reaction."
"What? No way. Wait, I don't get it. He just said it was over? How did he do it?" she asked. Tiffany and I had known each other almost as long as Roman and I had. She was a year behind me, but we had met the first time Roman had brought me home to meet his dad, two or three months in, then she had joined our college the next fall.
She had basically been there since the beginning, and I had gotten as close to her as I had to her brother. I was an only child, so she filled the void that I didn't have a real sister to fill. She knew everything that happened between Roman and me.
She was my best friend so she heard everything anyway, but it had been almost three years since we had gotten together. I was close with his dad – their whole family, really. I had spent breaks at their house and gone on vacation with them a couple times. This was definitely news to her.
"I was waiting for him after his exam, just like normal. We were talking, and I mentioned that he had been a little weird lately. We haven't been talking as much this past week. I thought it was just finals, and he'd be back to normal now that the semester is ending. He asked me to come to his apartment, and then he got weird. He started saying he didn't want to be with me anymore and this was the end, just like that, out of nowhere. Totally blindsided me."
"Did he tell you why?"
"He didn't want to. He just kept saying it wasn't working anymore and he didn't want me."
"I can't believe he would say that to you," she said.
"Did he tell you anything? Did he do anything that would make you think this was where his head was?"
"No, nothing. I would have told you something if he did. Ron, I felt like I knew you before we even met. When we talked he would always bring you up, ask me whether it was too soon to introduce you to our dad, tell me he thought we'd get along, and stuff. I think we all knew he was in love with you before he even said it to you." I felt tears brim in my eyes and blinked them away.
"Whatever. Like he said, it's over now."
"Are you just giving up?" she demanded.
"How am I supposed to fight when he said he was done? I'm not that pathetic, Tiff. I can't beg a person to talk to me when they've already told me how they really feel to my face."
"I'm going to talk to him," she said.
"About what?" I scoffed.
"I want to ask him whether he's lost his mind. Something obviously happened. Roman wouldn't do something like that to you."
"He already did, Tiff; it's a little late for that."
"Well, he can't get away with it."
"What difference would it make at this point? He already told me what he wanted. The future he wants doesn't involve me."
"You really don't want to know?"
"Right now, all I want to do is crawl into bed and come back out when school starts again."
"You can't be on your own like this," she said.
<
br /> "Could you at least give me tonight? I'm still reeling. I just need some time to process everything."
"I'm calling you tomorrow. If you don't pick up, I'm coming over," she said. I cracked a small smile. She was a good friend. She hadn't even tried to take Roman's side in all this.
"Okay," I conceded. She squeezed me in a tight hug and left. I went back to my room after locking the door after her. I stood under the shower till the water ran cold, then stayed longer. I made it back to my bed before I started crying again.
Chapter Five
Roman
One Year Later
I never thought I'd get used to the stares at airports. Traveling the first time in all my gear, I had felt self-conscious of all the people looking, kids and adults staring with shameless curiosity. Now, I couldn't give two shits. I never thought I'd ever be glad to be landing at Aberdeen Regional before, but damn did it feel good to be back on American soil.
I had been gone almost exactly a year, but every day there had felt like ten, every week like a month, and every month like it was a year all on its own. Summer was just starting, my first summer back since I had missed it last year. I didn't even mind coming from the desert right back to the heat – I was just glad to be back home.
I saw my dad before he saw me. Tiff was with him, and she waved, pointing me out to him. Far as I could tell they looked exactly the same. Tiff's hair might have been different, shorter like she had had a haircut, but that was it. Dad didn't look any older, which was a good thing. He was still in his fifties, but it wasn't fun watching your parents get older. It was comforting that nothing major had happened to the two of them when I was gone.
Tiffany came up and hugged me first; she was excited. I was, too, but I was better at hiding it than she was.
I was tall, but only about an inch more than my dad. Up close now, I noticed more gray strands in his dark brown hair. I was supposed to look like him, which was something I was proud of. He was a strong, good-looking guy even north of fifty. Both Tiff and I had gotten our mother's blue eyes instead of his hazel, though. He hugged me, which wasn't something he did a lot now that I wasn't a kid anymore. He held my shoulders looking at me.