No Regrets (No Regrets #1)

by Aimee Noalane

  I groaned. I thought he was going to let the subject go.

  “You need to quit, dude.”

  “Steph–”

  “Shut up and listen to me. The drugs won’t help, Oliver. In fact they’re just going to make matters worse.” He paused. “This isn’t you.”

  “God.” I snarled. “You sound just like her. How the hell would you know what is or isn’t me?”

  “Twelve years of friendship. That’s how.”

  I put my head between my legs and pulled on my hair. I hated that he was putting me on the spot.

  “I don’t like it. Abby doesn’t like it. She’s worried sick about you.”

  “She sure has a way of showing it.”

  “She’s in pain, asshole. She loved your dad, and he’s gone. She loves you and–well, you’re gone too.”

  “Do I look like a guy that can help her, to you? I’m a fucking screw up, Stephan. I quit everything I care for. I skip class. My grades are slipping. I take drugs, and I drink every time I get the chance.”

  I grabbed the bottle of pills Damian handed me at Zoey’s party out of my bag, and slammed it on the bench between Stephan and I. He took it and eyed it suspiciously.

  “OxyContin.” I growled. “And before you ask, no I haven’t. But I’ve been contemplating the hell out of it… I can’t be there for her Steph. I miss her. I want her. I fucking need her, but I can’t have her around me because I’m going to ruin her.”

  Stephan opened the bottle and dropped the pills on the bench. I watched as he crushed them under his football spikes and sighed in relief.

  “Thank you.”

  “What the hell were you thinking? If you got caught–”

  “I know. Trust me.” I looked up at the sky and then at him. “I’m tired, Steph. Like completely exhausted. I try to put on a strong front so that people get a fucking clue about my being okay with my life. I’m tired of everyone taking pity on me. I just want things to go back to normal.”

  “Dude, your dad died. You’re not supposed to put up a front. Everyone knows it’s going to hurt. People ask because they care and want to be sure you’re okay.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s fucking annoying.”

  “Things will get better.”

  “I don’t want things to get better. I want them to disappear.”

  He furrowed his brow as if he was trying to understand what I meant.

  “I want out, Stephan. I need to leave.”

  “Leave?” When he realized that he understood me correctly, he looked hurt and remained quiet watching his teammates running laps. “What about us?”

  “We’ll keep in touch. I didn’t mean I wanted to cut all ties.”

  “Where would you go?”

  “I’ve been thinking B.C. You know, where my dad’s family lives?”

  “That’s pretty fucking far, Ol.”

  “That’s the point, Steph. No one knows me there. I can be whoever I want to be.”

  He sighed. “What about, Abs?”

  I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet, but he was right. Leaving Abby behind meant accepting the huge void I’d be inflicting upon myself. On the other hand, I had no choice.

  “If I don’t go, I’ll drag Abby down with me.” I could see him reflect on what I was trying to say, but he knew I was right.

  “Dude, you’re my best friend. I can’t imagine all the shit that’s going through your head right now, but honestly, man…” He sighed. “I don’t want to see you go, Oliver.”

  Coach drew out his whistle, and Stephan grabbed his helmet looking at me sadly.

  “I need to go.” He reached the grass, and he turned back to me. “Talk to your mom, Oliver. She’ll listen to you. Tell her how you feel, and then see what she thinks.”

  ***

  After watching the football practice and yearning to be on the field, I took the second bus service home. The drive took twenty minutes instead of the usual ten in the morning. I enjoyed the ride, though. It gave me a chance to reflect on everything Stephan and I talked about. My voicing of how much I was missing my best friend started to hit me in ways I wouldn’t have imagined... or maybe it was just my afternoon high withdrawal, who knew.

  I’m wrong. I can’t do this. I need her. I miss talking to her. I miss her smile; her tantrums. I miss our arguing and holding her hand, but most of all I miss my Abby.

  I felt my throat tighten as I looked out the window. The last thing I wanted was to cry. I suppressed the tears that were threatening to fall, and I stared ahead watching the town and its people pass by as the bus drove me home. It had been at least three weeks since Abby and I spent some quality time together. Had she been with me, we either would have gotten off two stops ahead of ours to share a root beer slushy while we walked home, or she would have tried to race me home, claiming she was faster than I was, even though I’d beat her every time. But ever since I left her at the hospital, I wanted to feel different about Abby. I wanted to protect her and the only way I could do it was by staying clear from her.

  I won’t lie. I tried to keep her away, and it was hard as hell. But I knew that eventually I would become greedy and selfish, taking everything she had to offer me and destroying both of us along with it. It’s the exact reason why I couldn’t stay.

  ***

  She was waiting for me at her bedroom window when I passed her house. Her clouded eyes probably resembled my own. As I crossed the street, she waved with a tentative smile. But instead of responding, I frowned at her, wondering if she regretted not sticking around for practice.

  “So what?” I heard her yell when her front door opened. “You’re not even going to say hello now?”

  I turned around to a very sexy-looking Abbygail standing in her doorway. She was wearing her god-forsaken dark, blue boot-cut jeans and her bright red belly button shirt. Her hair was down, and she was wearing make-up, which were two things she rarely did. I groaned.

  Being attracted to your best friend like this should be illegal… God, she’s hot.

  As I took the time to think about why she was all dressed up, I had this sudden surge of jealousy towards whomever she was going to spend the evening with. But what surprised me the most was the anger I had towards my best friend.

  “Abbygail,” I warned loudly enough for her to hear. “Don’t.”

  “Oh I get it. I’m basically the piece of trash you just decided to discard. Sixteen fucking years of friendship, and you can’t even bother to say hello? If you want our relationship to be over, Oliver, just tell me. That way I’ll stop wasting energy on trying to fix something I don’t even know how I broke.”

  It was inevitable. I dropped my bag on my lawn and crossed over to hers. Never taking my eyes away from her, I jumped over the huge rock in front of her house and leaned into her so close that even a piece of paper couldn’t have passed between us.

  I grabbed her by the nape of the neck, and pulled her head up to face mine. I didn’t even know what my next move was. Her perfume attacked my nostrils with its sweet citrus fruit smell, and all I wanted to do was kiss her. Desire pulsing through my veins, I looked at her eyes; they changed from crystal blue to sapphire in a fraction of a second.

  Sapphire? This is new...

  I swallowed hard as I felt her pulse quicken against my hand. She mimicked my move, and bit her bottom lip.

  “Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “Bite your lip, Abby. Stop doing it.”

  “Why?”

  Because if you don’t, I’m going to fucking kiss you, Abbygail. That’s why.

  “Just because.”

  “If you’re going to be mad at me, Oliver, at least have the courtesy to tell me why.”

  I didn’t respond. I just stared at her contemplating my next move, and trying to control my urges.

  I had no idea what was going on between us. I was still holding her so close to me, yet she was refusing to pull back. I wondered if she was trying to defy me or wanted to see how far I would
take our confrontation. She wasn’t scared of me, but I was, working very hard at controlling my impulses, but especially at keeping my temper in check. Never had I lost control or got truly angry with Abby before. Whatever was going on between us was completely foreign to me. Jealousy and lust didn’t make a good mix where my best friend was concerned.

  “I don’t remember you missing a game or practice of mine for no reason.”

  “You don’t go to practice, Oliver. But if you did, you would have seen that I made it to the field every single day for the past two weeks waiting for you to show up.”

  “I was there today. But then you wouldn’t know that, would you?” I purred. “Why did you come home so early today? Needed to make yourself slutty for your date tonight?”

  The force of her push was unexpected. But it was the hurt I saw on her face that made me nearly lose my balance.

  “Abby, I’m –”

  “Don’t. I don’t want to hear it. I went to practice, Oliver. I went, and you didn’t show up. Again. I missed the fucking bus and walked home, alone. Again. So don’t stand there and judge me, or my intentions, because of your lack of attendance and your anger towards life. I’m trying here. Seriously, Oliver, you either want me around or you don’t. Figure it out and tell me.”

  She waited for my reply, and I stood there, speechless.

  “Say something, Oliver.”

  Silence.

  “Anything,” she growled.

  I saw the tears fill up in her eyes as she bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying. And to make matters even worse, I shrugged.

  “I’m done,” she relinquished. “I give up.”

  “So I guess were done being friends, then.” I stated or asked–I’m not quite sure–with spite.

  She turned to me, the tears she was trying to hold onto, escaped her.

  “Go to hell, Oliver”

  ***

  My mother was waiting for me at the door when I stepped inside our house. And having her stand there waiting for me was definitely not good news.

  “Where were you?”

  “I was talking with Abby. Why?”

  “I meant this afternoon, Oliver.”

  “School. Where else should I have been? What’s with you?” I frowned defensively. I was still shaken by what had happened between Abby and me. My mother’s presence wasn’t helping.

  “How about you tone down the sarcasm and reconsider your answer.”

  I rolled my eyes at her. “There’s nothing to reconsider, Mom.”

  “Okay, then let me rephrase since you clearly can’t see the position you’re in right now. Rethink your answer, Oliver.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I headed up to my room. “How about you butt out of my business, and trust me? Clearly you don’t see how annoying you’re being right now.”

  I dropped my bag on the floor and waited to see if she’d call me back before shutting the door. After hearing nothing but silence, I threw myself on my bed, grabbed my headphones, laptop, and lost myself to the sound of my music.

  As I opened my messenger account, I realized I had at least ten unread messages. Scrolling through the names, I clicked on the only name I was interested in. Abby, had messaged me at three forty-five.

  BlackOrchid: Oliver, I went to the field after school. You weren’t there…again. I don’t get it. Where are you? I miss you, Oliver. You know you can talk to me about everything, don’t you? Anyway, I’m going to the movies tonight with Ava and Chris. You know that guy from school she keeps talking about? Do you want to join us? I’d really like to spend some time with you. I feel like we haven’t talked in forever. Plus I know how much you wanted to see ‘Resident Evil 3’… Let me know, okay?

  I startled when my computer screen went down while reading Abby’s message. Looking up, I saw my mother’s very angry face staring at me.

  “Take them off,” she ordered.

  I followed through and took my headphones off. She leaned close to me and grabbed my chin. She inched my face to hers, making sure she had my undivided attention, and I cowered under her scowl.

  “I’m going to start by saying that what just happened downstairs will never happen again. You do not disrespect me like that, and you do not walk out on me in the middle of a conversation, Oliver Langton. Have I made myself clear?”

  I nodded, and she let go. I pulled away as far as I could from her, massaging away the pressure sensation that still lingered on my jaw. She pulled out the chair I had at my desk and sat beside my bed.

  “Now that this has been cleared up, I’m going to ask you one last time. Where were you this afternoon?”

  “Mom, I already told you. I was at school.”

  She observed me as she quietly narrowed her eyes. “Do you know what I’m wondering right now?”

  No, but I bet you’re about to tell me.

  “I’m wondering, at what point in time did you decide that lying to your mother was considered acceptable? I’m asking myself how long it will take for you to realize that I already know. And that no matter how long I have to wait–because trust me, I will–the truth will come out of your mouth, Oliver.”

  I swallowed at her threat.

  “Do you know whom I’ve had the pleasure of talking with this afternoon?”

  I shook my head, but a teacher would have been a good guess.

  “Your school principal,” she scolded. “And he had some very interesting information to provide regarding your class attendance. Mind you, Oliver, I do not appreciate being called at work to be told that my son isn’t in math class like he’s supposed to be, and that he’s also missed at least four other afternoons in the past week. I especially do not appreciate being lied to, by said son, when I asked him where he was this afternoon.”

  “Mom, I–”

  “And then,” she continued cutting me off as if my situation weren’t bad enough. “When I get home, I check my voicemails and surprise, surprise, I have another message regarding my dear young boy, but this time it’s from his football coach.”

  I winced.

  “So I listen to Mr. Collins as he explains to our machine that you haven’t been to practice in weeks, that he understands that your dad died and excuses your absence for the first weeks following the try-outs, but that ever since you’ve been back in school, you haven’t shown up on the field… not even to tell him that you’re not feeling well.”

  “But Mom–”

  “He also said that if you miss another practice without a valid excuse, you’re off the freaking team, Oliver. Would you care to explain what the hell is going on now?”

  She waited patiently as I considered what my answer should be. None of what I was concocting in my head would have her less mad at me, so I ended up shrugging in response.

  “I’m waiting, Oliver.”

  “And I have nothing to say, Mom.”

  “Really? Then you can stay in your room for the rest of the evening.” She stood. “We’ll try this again tomorrow.”

  “Oh come on. I was supposed to go to the movies with Abby tonight.” I didn’t want to go, but if it got me out of a punishment, then why not?

  “Honey,” my mother responded with a sarcastic laugh. “You haven’t spent time with Abbygail since the funeral. I know this because she told me. And even if I did believe you–which, FYI, I don’t–you won’t be going.”

  “But it’s true. I was just messaging her back when you walked in. See?” I lifted my laptop for her to look at, but she didn’t give it a side glance.

  “You can message her that you’re not going,” she replied as she walked out of my room.

  I threw my headphones at the door as soon as she shut it, but after hearing the loud thump, she reopened the door, looked at my headphones on the floor then up to where I was sitting.

  “Just so you know, if you cut class again, you’re grounded. No T.V., no videogames, no going out, no phone, and no computer for a month. Do I make myself clear?”
/>   I glared at her, defying her authority.

  “I don’t think I heard your answer, Oliver.”

  “Yes.” I growled.

  She dipped her head in acknowledgement and shut the door quietly.

  OliSk8: Can’t come.

  BlackOrchid: Can’t or won’t?

  Olisk8: Both.

  I waited for her response.

  I didn’t get one.

  ***

  My mother ended up never calling me for dinner. By seven thirty my stomach was growling. By ten o’clock, the night had officially settled in, and I was starving. Feeling somewhat courageous, I decided to go downstairs and prepare myself something to eat. Part of me hoped that she wouldn’t hear me. I’d grab some food and make myself scarce by going back to my room. But when I got to the ground floor, I spotted a car rolling into the Evens’ driveway. I stepped closer to the window as I heard the loud hip hop music blasting from the pimped up red Honda Civic, and frowned wondering who Abby could be with.

  I remained still as I saw her and some guy step out. She was still wearing the same clothing she had on when I saw her in the afternoon, and his fingers were grazing her bare stomach as they talked. I couldn’t even tell if she was uncomfortable with it or not, but all I wanted to do was pull him away from her. Every ounce of jealousy I had earlier resurfaced, but the intensity of it felt ten times what it was. My blood was boiling.

  “Come on, Mason. Let’s go.” Ava shouted from the backseat. “We need to drive Chris home.”

  Mason put his finger up, motioning for her to wait a minute, and Abby smiled. I watched as they talked, and Ava honked the horn again.

  Thank God. I really need to remember to thank her Monday morning.

  Abby laughed at her friend’s impatience and walked back to her door. As she put her hand on the handle, Mason leaned in and left a soft kiss on the side of her mouth. From where I stood, Abby seemed surprised, but not displeased by his bold move.

  My heart snapped.

  My father died and it was my entire fault. It was one simple kiss. One moment. One lack of judgement, and because of it, it was all over. Because of it my best friend, the girl I loved more than life was in someone else’s arms. I knew deep down that my decision would shatter her. But at that exact moment, who cared? I was done with the guilt, done with the pain. One way or another my mother would agree to let me go to B.C.