No Regrets (No Regrets #1)

by Aimee Noalane

  “What did you write when you found out his account was closed?” Stephan asked after a few minutes of silence.

  “I told him why I was acting stupid, that I was sorry about everything that was going on, and that I hadn’t meant it when I said that I hated him.”

  “I’m pretty sure he knows that already.”

  “Maybe,” I shrugged. “I wish we–I regret not saying goodbye.”

  He stretched out to shut my night lamp off and put his hand over my stomach. “It isn’t goodbye, Abbygail. It’s a ‘see you later’.”

  Silent tears ran down my face again. “I’m in love with my best friend, Stephan.”

  “I know.” He tightened his hold on me. “It will get easier, Abs. I promise.”

  Oliver

  B.C. was beautiful. The trees, the mountains… it was a sight I would never get tired of. The house Uncle Jerry had found for my mother and I was great. It was large, and only one-story high compared to our cottage house in Carrington, but it was perfect for the both of us. Its big windows and fancy woodwork build sat on the cliff side of our neighborhood. The view was extraordinary, especially on clear nights where I could see the many stars illuminating the dark sky and snowy mountain tops.

  My first week in school was a challenge. Vancouver was a big town and Clover High was a big school, but at least I wasn’t the guy that lost his father anymore. I was the new kid that everyone was curious about, and luckily enough, I managed to make a couple of friends within the first few weeks. The only downside to my arriving so late in the school year was that I wasn't sure I would make the football team for the remainder of the season. I’d have to rely on Kayden, the coach’s son, to convince his father that I could stick around to show off my skills.

  “Oh, hey you’re home.” my mom said as I opened the front door. She was taking out the trash.

  I took the bags out of her hands and dumped them in the can at the end of the driveway for her. “How was your day?”

  “Thank you. It was okay, how was school?”

  “It was cool. I met with Kayden’s dad on the field today. The guys and I were passing the football at lunch time, and he said that he’d like for me to attend practice next week.”

  She seemed pleased by the news. The fact that I had reconsidered playing made her smile every time I talked about it.

  “Here,” she said as we both stepped inside, “You got this in the mail this morning.”

  I took the envelope out of her hand and smiled. I’d recognized her perfect handwriting among hundreds.

  “I haven’t seen that face in a while,” my mother remarked. “Who’s the letter from?”

  I looked up to see her soft eyes watching me. “It’s from Abby.”

  October 12, 2009

  Hey Oliver,

  So... right, this is weird. Um... how are you? How’s your new house, your new school? Have you made any friends? Did you make the football team? I really hope you did, and if you didn’t because you’re too late for the season, trust me, they’re missing out. The Giants lost their last game, just so you know. It shows that you aren’t playing. I keep hearing how much the guys miss you. The cheerleaders miss you too. There, that should make you feel a bit better. Ha.

  But no one misses you like I do...

  Okay, so here’s the thing. I’M SORRY. I didn’t mean any of what I said. Well technically that’s not true. I meant most of what I said the last time we talked. I do need you, and I do love you, and I really hate that you left. But I don’t hate you. I never could hate you. Oliver, you mean the world to me, and it hurts me that you left, but what hurts me more is that you felt that you couldn’t tell me that you were leaving. We never keep stuff from each other, Oliver, and we never lie to each other either. That’s how we work. It’s how we’ve always worked.

  So, here’s me being 100% honest. Not having you here, it’s tough. Some days I think that dying would be easier. I look like shit, I feel like shit, and I’m tired of crying all the time. So as you can see, I’m not taking the whole thing very well. But I’ll try ok? Because in the end what counts is that you’re doing better.

  Stephan helps. He slept over the other night. He’s the one who suggested I should try writing you a letter. I’m not even sure if I’m going to send it or not... I tried texting you before you climbed in the truck. I really would have liked you reading my message; it explained a whole lot of things...

  Anyway, I guess all that I wanted to say is that I’m sorry. I wish things could have been different for us, but I guess our destinies decided otherwise.

  I miss you Oliver. I dream about you every night… it’s the only solace I get.

  Love,

  Abbygail xxx

  I must have been grinning like an idiot, well, part of me was anyway. The thought of Stephan sharing a bed with my girl didn’t sit with me very well.

  He and I are definitely going to talk about this…

  There was no way I could count the number of times Abby had apologized first in one of our arguments. Even when she was wrong, she always found a way to turn it around for it to be my fault. But as I read her letter, I couldn’t help believing that it was my turn to take responsibility. It really was my fault that things went down the way they did. Abbygail might not have known every detail of my reasons for leaving, but her letter showed that she understood part of why I had to go. Her not being angry with me, helped me be at peace with the choices I had made for the both of us. Nevertheless, she and I needed to talk, we both knew that, but every time I picked up the phone to dial her number, fear stopped me. No words could make up for what happened between us.

  My beautiful best friend haunted my every dream since my leaving home, yet I found my comfort and happiness in them. But the nights where I woke up short of breath, sweating and searching for my best friend’s hand were tough. I knew that leaving her behind would be hard on us, but anticipation is never as harsh as the reality. Abby was right: being close for so long made us being apart very hard to adapt to.

  Drawing out my pen, I replied at the end of her letter. With every word I made sure she knew how much she was missed and how sorry I was. But mostly she needed to know that even though we were apart, our relationship would never be over. Sliding the letter back inside her envelope, I laughed at my own joke, wrote return to sender over my address and mailed our letter back home.

  Facing Facts

  November 7, 2009

  So, your house is sold. But I guess you knew that already.

  I’m not going to lie. This really sucks, Oliver. It makes everything real, you know? I guess its official now, you really aren’t coming back...

  Oh right, shoot!

  Hi Oliver, how are you?

  Okay, pleasantries over.

  So I know I told you that I was accepting your moving away. Wait. Did I say that? Because I don’t think I did, and if I did, I just want to make sure that you understand that accepting does not mean that I agree with it, nor does it mean that I don’t want you back, because I do. Like a lot!

  Anyway it doesn’t matter. I promise I’m doing better but this whole thing, new neighbors and stuff, it’s not going to work with me. I’m going to pretend to be fine with it but I mean... really?

  My mom said all the paper stuff was done by mail and fax machines, which means it’s been going on behind my back for at least a week. You could have called to tell me, you know. Noticing the sold sign when I came back from school was NOT COOL, Oliver Langton!

  Ah crap! I have to go. Someone’s at the door and Mom’s not home.

  November 8, 2009

  Hey Oliver,

  Sorry about yesterday... I met the new owners and then my mom took me out for dinner. Anyway, the new family moving into your old house doesn’t look as bad as I had anticipated. They seem traditional enough. You know, mom and dad with two kids. Sophia, the girl, she’s like the same age as Cole… you know, my next door neighbor that insists he’ll marry me one day? Hopefully his crush will move on t
o her soon enough. LOL!

  Wait did I just? See what your leaving is doing to me? I’m using stupid abbreviations now... please, Oliver, come back... come back and save me from myself!

  Ugh just shoot me already! Okay, I’m done ranting now!

  So anyway, the guy’s name is Chase, he looks older than us though. Like eighteen maybe? I don’t know... anyway it doesn’t matter. What matters is that their parents asked me if I would be interested in babysitting Sophia twice a week because Chase has some sports thing after school. Since I have no reason to go to football practice anymore, I said yes. Between babysitting her, and Cole, I’ll be loaded by X-mas time!

  Okay, so it’s getting late and I have to study. Mr. Fontaine stuck us with a math exam tomorrow morning, and I really need to pass this one otherwise I’ll need to stay after for catching up classes. You know as much as I do that detention with Mrs. Beaudoin is much more fun than an extra hour with Mr. Fontaine, especially, since you’re not there playing hangman with me. I’ll write to you tomorrow okay?

  Love you!

  November 11, 2009

  Hey Oliver,

  Okay, so I’m going to allow myself to say this once in my life, because it sure as hell better NEVER happen again...

  Having a night out for your birthday without your best friend, is unnatural. Just wait ‘til yours comes up! And now that I think about it, why haven’t you called? You’d better have a damn good excuse or else you will owe me a whole lot of root beer slushies when I see you.

  Have you ever noticed that when we hang out as a group we always split into pairs? You know Ava and Kylie, Stephan and Tyler, Zoey and whatever extra guy is invited to join in that particular day, and then there’s you and me. I had never paid attention to this minor detail before today. Guess who got stuck spending a whole lot of time by herself today? That’s right: Me.

  Yes I know… on my own birthday!

  Can you believe them? I swear I’m not saying this because I want you to feel bad, it’s just... I miss us Oliver. Nobody enjoys my stupid jokes or foolishness like you do. Everything is changing. I don’t like being apart from you. I miss you. I miss spending time with you.

  I really hope I’ll be hearing from you soon.

  Abby

  xxx

  “Oliver.” my mother called slamming the front door behind her. “I need your help with these.”

  I crossed the hall from my room and saw her in the entrance. Her hands were full of grocery bags, and she was completely soaked from the rain.

  “You sold the house?” I scowled.

  Her face fell along with the bags she was holding onto.

  “Who told you?”

  “What does it matter who? How can you not tell me stuff like this?

  “It was Abby, wasn’t it?”

  “MOM. I learned this over a stupid letter.” I shook the envelope angrily at my mother’s face. “Tell me, why did I have to learn this in her letter?”

  “Oliver I’m–”

  “You know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m out. Don’t wait up for dinner.” I stormed pass her without giving her a second glance.

  I walked in the rain for a while, anger and sadness was eating me up from inside. I hated that my mother had sold my childhood home. Knowing that it was still ours reassured me in some way that we still had somewhere to go if, or when, I’d be ready to go back. Now we had nothing that linked us to our family anymore, and something inside me told me that I was going to lose it all sooner rather than later.

  As I made my way down the hill, I spotted the empty skate park. It was always unoccupied. Maybe it was the wet weather that kept the neighborhood away, but one thing was for sure it made me pretty angry that I had somehow lost my board in our moving. After finding a dry spot under a ramp, I took Abby’s letter out and read it a second time. I missed her. Her letters helped, but not being able to see her and touch her was becoming very difficult.

  My mother and I had gone shopping for her birthday over the weekend. I took out her gift from my pocket, and twirled around the fragile white gold charm bracelet. On it, I added all the things that reminded me of her: a black bow because she always had one in her hair, an orchid because it was her favorite flower, a blue teardrop because it reminded me of her eyes, and a heart because I needed her to remember that I loved her regardless of what was going on between us. I also added a skateboard, hoping that every time she wore it she’d be reminded of me.

  I drew out my pen and replied to her the same way I had in her first letter. When I was done I slipped the white gold charm bracelet inside, mailed the envelope and walked back home.

  ***

  Over the weeks after arriving in Vancouver, my mother and I had been learning to live our lives without my dad, which also meant getting to know each other all over again. But in all honesty, I was keeping a lot from her, and most of it was my ambivalent feelings towards moving. I couldn’t say that I was regretting my decision to leave Carrington because everything was going so well in B.C., but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss our home.

  I felt many things when I walked back to our new house–resentment, anger, longing, sadness–and the weight I was carrying on my shoulders was tremendous. However my mother had made many sacrifices by moving, and I had yet to thank her and apologize for my involvement in my father’s death. Walking in on my mother crying at the dining room table, I felt the remorse hit me with a force I hadn’t expected. Blowing up in my mother’s face for something that was bound to happen sooner or later wasn’t very considerate of me. It was obvious by her reaction that selling our home was hurting her just as much as it was hurting me.

  “Mom?” I said stepping into the dining room.

  Her sad eyes shifted to mine, and I felt her pain through her silence. I took a seat by her side and hugged her tightly, and for the first time in months, she and I sat together and talked.

  Defending Territories

  Oliver

  My mother and I had planned to surprise Aunt Jenna for her birthday on the last weekend of November, and I was really looking forward to going back to Carrington. We had our entire trip planned out, but then the day before we intended to leave for our vacation, I came home from school to my disappointed mother. It turned out there was an emergency at work, and she needed to be there and work on both days.

  The only high point of that week was when my she had surprised me with a cute baby American bulldog that same weekend. She had a white coat with little black spots everywhere and I adored her feisty attitude. She was exactly like my Abby, which is probably why I named her Freckles.

  Freckles and I had been out for at least fifteen minutes playing ‘fetch’ before I needed to catch the bus to school, and as soon as the post office truck rolled up the street, she dropped the ball. Her protective radar had officially switched on, and nothing was to take her away from her guarding responsibilities. I was officially off pitcher duty. I couldn’t help but laugh at her behavior when someone approached her territory. She had been living at our house for a total of six days, yet every time someone came close to it, Freckles went full-on into her defensive mode. She made it her daily objective to scare our visitors away with her cute little barks.

  When the regular mailman stepped out of his truck to deliver our mail, Freckles took a seat at my feet and let out a warning growl.

  “Do you think she’ll get used to me coming here every couple of days?” he asked as he bent down to get her accustomed to him.

  She let out a cautionary snarl when he got too close to us.

  Yeah, pup, your name fits you perfectly!

  “For your sake,” I chuckled, “I hope she does!”

  November 27, 2009

  Hey Oliver,

  You’ll never believe me, but Kylie and Stephan are dating. I knew Stephan liked her. He’s been raving about her every time we go out for a run. It was getting annoying. Yeah you read it right, I run with Stephan now. We do it at least three times a week. My stamina isn�
�t as good as his, but I am getting pretty good.

  Anyway I’m totally getting off the subject! So I also knew that Kylie liked Stephan, but you know how she is with her school and stuff, always setting her boring priorities first... Well, Tuesday night we went to the movies, he asked her out and she said yes. He is absolutely adorable with her. I swear I never saw Stephan like that with a girl. He’s completely whipped and it’s hilarious!

  And speaking of dating, there is something I’ve been meaning to say for a while now... you and I are currently in a sort of predicament Mr. Langton. For some reason I don’t quite understand, the guys in school are under the impression that they are not allowed to date me. Would you care to explain?

  Because after asking around a little, it turns out that you have some rule about dating me that I didn’t know about? And apparently it’s been going on for quite a while now... If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, let me refresh your memory. They call it the: Don’t touch Abbygail Evens or Oliver Langton will kill you rule.

  First off, what the hell is this rule about?

  And secondly, I mean seriously? You’d think that these guys would be smart enough to realize that you living across the country, kind of voids the non-dating rule!

  As if you’d come back just to kick their ass...

  Wait.

  Holly crap I just had an epiphany.

  Scratch that, I just had two epiphanies... and just to clue you in, remember Mason? Yeah, that guy. I’m calling him after I’m done with your letter.

  So just in case you haven’t noticed, I have an issue with your rule, Oliver. I’m in high school. I’m allowed to date. So you’d better find a way to fix our problem, soon, otherwise I’m going to ruin your brand new skateboard with pink and purple flowers, and so much glitter that every time you want to use it, you’ll need to put plastic bags over your shoes. Capisce?

  And what about you? I mean, I bet a bunch of girls fell for the new guy, and can’t wait to get their hands on you. You don’t see me sending them threatening letters to not touch my best friend. Fix this, Oliver!