Mended-Hearts

by Gordon, M. E.

The door opened--slow at first, then all at once. I watched as he walked in, closing the door behind him. His head was hung as he leaned his broad shoulders against the door. I stood from the couch and walked toward the entry way. He must have heard me coming because he stood up straight and fixed the hair that had fallen from its slicked back spot.

  I planted my feet beneath me, thinking that maybe if I did this it would make me stronger, more confident. I held my head up as I’d done many times before. I was well versed in standing up for myself. I had a take-no-shit attitude, and I thanked god that I was that girl who had to be strong for myself, because it made me who I was today. Not even the Greek God, Spencer Salvatore, was going to walk all over me.

  “Where were you?” I asked, getting right to it.

  “Working. I told you it was going to be a long week.” He was quick with the comeback--a little too quick.

  “So when you got done ‘working,’ you what, went for a walk?”

  “I’m not doing this with you,” he said, shaking his head and unbuttoning his suit jacket to take it off. There was the robot, speaking for him again.

  “Just tell me where you were,” I pressed. I knew he wasn’t working. I called his office and Tara his receptionist said that he left for the day and not to disturb him. That was at three o’clock--it’s now almost nine. So where the hell was he?

  “I was working.”

  “Stop, just stop lying.”

  I watched as he shrugged the rest of his jacket off and placed it on the table to his left. He undid the cuffs of his sleeves and rolled them both up. He didn’t say anything. He just stood in front of the door.

  “All right, fine! Who are you sleeping with? Just tell me now. I want to hear it from you and not some trashy tabloid.” I waited--he said nothing. “What do you want me to do, roll over and let you walk all over me? You want me to just be okay with you sneaking around and doing god knows what with god knows who?” I yelled from across the room.

  “No,” he roared back. “I never want you to do that. I wasn’t with anyone. I’m not sneaking around with anyone. I would never do that to you, ever. And don’t you dare ever let anyone walk all over you, including me. You hear me?” Finally, he was back. The robot was unplugged and Spencer was in charge.

  “Well, that’s good,” I said, rolling my eyes and tossing my hands in the air. “And just for the record, I’m not going to let you walk all over me. You don’t scare me, Spencer Salvatore.” Lies, all lies. I was terrified to push back too much. I knew what it was like to not have him in my life and I never wanted to go back to that--ever. I was weak.

  He’d made me so weak, weak in the knees, weak in the heart, weak in the mind. I’d never been so fragile.

  “I should scare you. You should run away and stay away from me. It’s in my blood. I’ve been screwed up since the day I took my first breath. I never stood a chance and, no matter how much I love you, I’m still fucking petrified that I’m going to ruin you and turn into him. I’m scared as fuck that I’ll be just like him and hurt the one and only thing that I love!”

  He was yelling so ruthlessly that his face was red with anger. His body shook as he yelled at me. He hit his chest with his own fist then shoved his hand back through his hair to get it off his face. I’d never heard him yell like that before.

  All the weeks of keeping everything in must have spilled over.

  “What are you talking about, Spencer? You can’t hurt me unless you leave me! And you’re not leaving me. I won’t let it happen. And who is this ‘him’ you keep referring to?”

  I knew in that moment, and all the moments before, that there wasn’t another woman. This was all coming from his past. He’d kept quiet about it for too long. Now the dam was overflowing, and he couldn’t control it anymore. I knew that was what scared him the most, losing control.

  Someone must know his secret.

  “It doesn’t matter. We shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have done this with you. It’s why I haven’t--We shouldn’t have done this,” he said, shaking his head and repeating himself over and over again.

  “What are you saying, Spencer?” I asked, taking a step closer to him. I stopped after that one step because it all clicked into place. Who was I trying to kid? I knew what he was saying. He was saying he regretted this, me, us, all of it. He was going to leave me just like he left me the night of the charity event. He was going to leave me, standing there more confused and heartbroken than I’d ever been because he was scared.

  “You should pack your things and go stay with Chuck. This--I’m no good for you, for anyone,” he said, hanging his head and shoving his hands down his tailored-clad thighs.

  “You don’t mean that!” I let the words hang in the air for a moment. When he didn’t reply, I flipped. I was pissed and I wasn’t going to just cower up to my room like I did all those months ago. “I came up here to be with you! I left everything, lost everything, for you! You can’t kick me out, I live here,” I shouted at him like I never had before.

  “I can, and I am. I’m going out of town for two days. When I get back, please don’t be here.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye. Instead, he turned from me and headed back to the door, he’d just came in through.

  “Spencer,” I screamed from where I stood. He stopped but didn’t turn back to me. “I don’t know what the hell you’re so afraid of but I know that you love me, I know because I love you just as much. Look what we’ve already been through. We can get past whatever this is. You have to talk to me. You have to let me in,” I begged.

  He turned from the door to face me. His eyes were on the floor at my feet. They drifted slowly up my body until they met my own. There was sadness in them. This was killing him.

  I couldn’t understand why he was doing this to himself.

  “I’m trying to protect you. If you stay with me, I’m going to hurt you. I already have.” His eyes were pleading with me to just give in, to just let us go.

  “No shit, Salvatore, you’re hurting me now!” Again, I waited for him to say something, anything. “Just tell me why, why are you leaving? What changed? What did you figure out on your trip? What is so bad that it’s making you do this to us?” I asked, taking another step, hoping but realizing that he probably wouldn’t come clean about anything.

  “Hopefully, you’ll never know. Hopefully, you can go about your life and never know the horrible things I’ve done.”

  What the hell kind of cryptic bullshit is that? It was official. I was lost, like a mouse in a maze with no sent of cheese anywhere. I didn’t know what was going on anymore. I stood across from him, only a few feet away instead of the whole room.

  “If you leave, I’ll hate you forever,” I spat at him, hoping it would make a difference. “If you leave right now, I’m not giving into you again. This is it, Spencer. I’m done if you leave me this time.”

  It was an idle threat, of course. I’d let him have a second...or was it a third?...chance by now. Things had been so good between us. I would take these bumps between us, knowing that when it was good, it was so damn good. I could handle bumps, what I couldn’t handle was the end. I wasn’t going to be able to handle the end of us.

  What would I do? Go back to just being Beth? I’d probably eat myself silly, gain twenty pounds, and lock myself away from everyone and everything.

  I could already hear the tabloids. “Dumped and growing fatter by the hour.” Or “We knew it was all a publicity stunt.” Maybe “He never cared for the chubby nobody.”

  “I hope you do,” he said, pulling me out of my own head and the horrible things I was sure the media was going to say once they got a hold of what was happening between us. “I hope you hate me, you should.”

  I ran at him and shoved him so hard in the chest he had to take a step back to keep his balance. I hit him, I yelled at him to stop, to stop saying things that he didn’t believe. I kept hitting him until he grabbed my wrists. He pulled them together between the two of us.

  I
was so mad at him, angry tears rolled down my face. The more I struggled the more the tears stained my cheeks.

  He held my wrists together, tighter than before. The act made me move closer until I was flush against his large frame. It was always the same with us. The closer we were, the more we needed to touch one another. I stared up into his eyes, his sea blue eyes that were becoming more vacant with every lie he was telling me. He didn’t want this either. It was written all over his face.

  He let go of my hands and laced them around the back of my neck. His thumb ran across my cheek, wiping the tears that fell from my eyes.

  “It’s going to be okay. Breathe,” he said, wiping my tears away.

  “No. Not without you it won’t. I won’t be okay,” I blurted out between shallow breaths. I didn’t want to fight with him, I wanted him to take me in his arms and just let me in, all the way in. No more secrets no more trips to cover things up.

  “Please don’t cry,” he pleaded, clearing my cheek of fresh tears.

  “Then stop making me.”

  I placed my hands on his hips as he gripped my neck a little more. His forehead fell to mine, and I closed my eyes, relieved that maybe he was changing his mind, maybe this was just another bump that we were almost over.

  Chapter 19

  It happened so fast--one moment I was hitting him, angry and crying, the next he spun me around, pushing me back against the door. The moment was intense, both of our emotions were on high, and the electricity radiating off of us was something I had been craving for weeks. His lips slammed down on mine, and it was like coming home. He lifted me up and shoved me up against the door. I gripped his shoulders and wrapped my legs around him.

  He’d wiped the tears as they fell from my reddened eyes and told me it was going to be fine, that everything was going to be fine. He carried me to bed, the bed that we had shared for months. I tried to forget everything that had happened but, something had shifted. It had shifted so much so that when Spencer laid me down, he wouldn’t look into my eyes. Up until that night, he always looked into my eyes. His beautiful blue eyes refused to land on mine. He spent the time above me in the crook of my neck or kissing me. He’d close his eyes and appear to be lost in the moment, but I knew better. I knew that he only got lost in me. How could he do that if he wouldn’t even look at me?

  “Spencer,” I called to him. I was trying to get his attention but he continued on, thrusting in me and kissing my neck. I pushed on the broad, thick shoulders that covered me and called his name again. “Spencer.”

  Still nothing. He kept at it, only harder. His harsh grunts echoed in my ear as he pushed on.

  “Please,” I whispered as I drove my hands through his hair. I thought that this might get him to move his head from my neck so I could see him. No such luck. His hand ran down my body and hitched behind my knee, lifting it to curl around his body. Still, he wouldn’t look at me. I called him again, “Spencer.”

  His head shot up from my neck, his face was over mine, red and fierce looking. “What?” he clipped.

  His lips trembled and, as my eyes drifted up to his, I caught a shimmer in the corners of his beautiful eyes. I tried to hold his face with my hands, but he snatched it away, crashing both our hands on the pillow to the side of us.

  “Do you not want this?” he asked.

  There were so many thoughts going through my head, but when he asked if I didn’t want him, I thought maybe I had fallen into some wormhole where up was down and yes was no.

  He blinked harshly, making any trace of shimmer I thought I saw in his eyes vanish. I lay there beneath him, still feeling the way I always felt when I was around him, out of control and needing more.

  The warmth of his body covering mine made me feel safe beneath him, and for a moment, I thought maybe I was imaging it all.

  Here he was, the man on every woman’s radar on top of me, loving me, taking care of me.

  “Elizabeth.” He called me back. I watched as his genuine smile curled his lips. It was the smile I lived for, the one that set butterflies off in my stomach. “Can we finish?” he asked.

  “Do you love me?” I asked, or rather blurted out.

  For some reason, the need to hear him say it to me in this intimate setting was what I needed to put my wandering mind at ease. He’d apologized but I needed to hear this last part to put the night to rest.

  He hovered over me before dropping to his elbows at either side of my head. He combed his fingers through my hair before his thumb ran over my cheek. His eyes studied me like they never had before.

  “I’ve never loved anything as much as I love you. I’ve never felt as alive as I do when I’m with you,” he said, smiling down at me. “If I died right now, I’d die the happiest man, because I’ve known what it felt like to be in love with you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect you, I love you that much.”

  “Really?” I asked.

  He nodded, smiled, then kissed the tip of my nose.

  “Do me a favor for the rest of the night?” he asked. “Forget about any disagreements we’ve had. Forget about the paparazzi, the media, your brothers, your friends. I want us to forget about everything but the way it feels to be with each other. Close your eyes and just feel me.” He was smoldering to the point I thought he was going to catch the room on fire.

  I nodded, gulped, and grabbed onto him with the intentions of never letting go. “Say it again,” I said on a shaky breath next to his ear. “Say you love me.”

  “I love you,” he whispered and held me as tightly as I was holding him.

  ***

  I opened my heavy eyes as the sun began to show through the huge floor-to-ceiling windows. They spanned the whole wall opposite Spencer’s bed. The morning light told me it was going to be a beautiful day. I curled into the plush white down comforter, adjusted my head on the fluffy pillow, and tried to close my eyes and fall back to sleep. I splayed my legs out, expecting to hit Spencer’s, but the sheets were cool. I reached a little farther behind me, thinking maybe I had pushed him to the edge of the bed. I liked to spread out when I sleep.

  The coolness only increased until, finally, my foot curled around the edge of the mattress. I sat up like a bold of lightning and flipped around. He was gone. The bed was empty and, from the feel of it, it had been empty for a while. I glanced at the bathroom, and saw the light on from under the crack of the door. I scooted to his side of the bed. My feet touched the floor and as they did I happened to notice his nightstand was clear. The picture of his mother, his real mother was gone. Weird--don’t panic. Maybe he’s getting a new frame for it?

  I stood from the bed and made my way to the bathroom. My fingers reached out to the knob, and it was then that I realized they were shaking. I grabbed the handle and pushed through the nerves and the door. It was empty, and not just because there was no one in there. The bottle of cologne that drove me wild was missing, the comb that rested on the counter was missing, toothbrush--gone, razor--gone. I quickly turned to the shower. My insides did a flip when I saw nothing but my shampoo, my soap, and my razor.

  I ran out the bathroom and into the closet. His suit case was not there. Half of his things were gone. Almost every suit jacket, crisp, white shirt, and all his favorite shoes had vanished. Poof, he’d done the ultimate disappearing act, and I fucking slept through the whole god damn thing.

  I stumbled out of the closet and into the bedroom. I stood at the foot of the bed, honestly not knowing what I should do next. I stared ahead blankly until something caught my eye. There sitting perfectly against the lamp on my nightstand was a white envelope with my name on it.

  I took a deep breath and grabbed it. I sat on the edge of the bed and held it between my fingers. Maybe he had to go on a business trip? Maybe he had to go home to his family? Maybe you’re just a stupid girl trying to come up with a logical explanation, when you know the real reason he’s gone all Houdini on your ass.

  I was so mad that I gripped the envelope tighter, scrunching
it up as if I was going to rip it into a million little pieces. I wouldn’t have done that, though. I might have thought about it, but I couldn’t do it. I loosened my grip and flattened out the envelope on my lap.

  I stared up at the ceiling and actually started laughing. I laughed because I was crazy. I was crazy thinking we could make it work. I was crazy for ever believing that he loved me as much as he told me he did. I was crazy for moving in with him so fast, for giving into his charm, his good looks.

  I’d been played again. I was the fool who thought Spencer Salvatore loved me. The man should win a fucking Emmy! And I should win the biggest fool award. I should have left it at that. I should have packed my shit up, left, and never looked back. I should have left that envelope right where he left it and went the hell on with my life. But I wasn’t smart, I liked to twist the knife a little deeper, shove the hot iron in a little more. I think I need to start seeing a therapist.

  I slipped my finger along the sealed flap, reached inside, and pulled out the piece of paper. Unfolding it I took a steadying breath before I looked down. I didn’t know what I expected to see, maybe an apology, a reason for his absence. I should have known. Mr. Salvatore was a jerk, a confusing note-dropping jerk from the very beginning, I didn’t know why I thought things would ever be different.

  13421 S. 22nd St.

  New York City, New York

  @730

  It’s all for you

  ~S

  An address--he left me a fucking address! Immediately, I opened my laptop and googled the address. It was a nice building in the fashion district, but beyond that I had no idea what this message meant. Did it have something to do with Gia? Oh-my-god! Was he sleeping with Gia! Is that why she always refused to hang out with us? I thought it was because she still had a grudge about the whole Fame incident with Teddy and Chuck. Jesus, could she be secretly in love with him. Damn that’s a hell of a cover story if she was--and now I’m rambling in my own head.