Cardinal

by Sara Mack

  I’ve needed him ever since Latson slammed the door in my face.

  With my eyes closed, I curl on my side in my bunk. We just left Pittsburgh, and Beau is driving us to Ohio. When we’re finished playing Columbus and Cleveland, the tour will end in Detroit. My rock star life will be over two months earlier than planned. It’s perfect timing really; Tricia called and my apartment is ready. I have a home back in Michigan.

  Too bad my heart is in Illinois.

  Sensing someone behind me, I roll over. Ariel pulls out one of my ear buds. “I need to interrupt your time with Ed for a minute.”

  She knows I’m obsessed. I sit up and scoot back, so she can join me. “What’s up?”

  “I’m staging an intervention.” She pulls her legs beneath her and gets comfortable. “I miss your smile.”

  I look down at my lap. “Me, too.”

  “I think you should know,” she pauses, “Dean and the guys are concerned.”

  “Why?” I frown. I’ve hidden my feelings pretty well on stage. So what if I don’t go out to bars and parties? The tour’s almost over.

  Ariel tips her head. “When’s the last time you played the Fender?”

  Ugh. “Last week.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I figured after two weeks of silence we were done.” I pull out my other ear bud and wad the cords up in my hand. “Latson doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

  Ariel studies me in silence and crosses her arms. “You know I disagree.”

  “Yes, oh Wise Sage.” I roll my eyes. This isn’t a new conversation. “I told you I wish things were different, but they’re not. I lost his trust. There’s no coming back from that.”

  “Your brother said he’s miserable.”

  “Probably because Pete threatened his life.” I knew my brother would stand up for me, but I didn’t realize he would hold it over Latson every single day. Jules sent me a screenshot of the reminders on Pete’s phone. Each day there is an alert for Remind my boss he lost the best thing he ever had. I don’t think my brother’s behavior is helping any.

  “Let me ask you this.” Ariel shifts her weight. “If Latson called you right now and said he was sorry, would you take him back?”

  “Of course I would, but …”

  “But what?”

  “We’d have to have a serious discussion about jumping to conclusions.”

  If Latson has a fault, it’s thinking everyone is out to get him. I understand why he feels the way he does; a lot of close people have betrayed him. Yes, I missed the funeral, but he has to realize accidents happen. He can’t hate me more than I hate myself for that mistake. On the other hand, the situation with Caleb was coincidental. Should I have stayed in my room and tried to ignore the sex-a-thon? Given the outcome, probably. However, I was standing up for myself and Roxanne. I won’t ever stop defending what I believe is right, regardless of who is involved. Whether it’s loud neighbors or Ariel’s right to choose or Gwen’s small chest, it’s part of who I am.

  “He does tend to think the worst,” Ariel says. “He needs to move past the Caleb thing.”

  I nod. “I don’t think it will be easy for him, though.”

  “I don’t think anything worth fighting for is easy.” She pats her still-flat belly. “Case in point, Lil Munchkin.”

  I smile.

  “There it is!” She grins. “I knew you could smile.”

  “Only temporarily.” I smirk on purpose.

  She groans and then bites her lip like she has a secret. “What if … what if I had news that might make it more permanent?”

  I’m intrigued. “Keep talking.”

  “What are your plans after the tour ends?”

  My shoulders sag. I’ll be right back to square one. “To find a job so I can refurnish my apartment. Why?”

  “If you say yes,” she taps her chin, “I’d like to make you my primary songwriter.”

  I stare at her, stunned.

  “I’ve talked to Mason, and he thinks my publishing company would take you on after hearing “Fairytale.” If it works out –”

  I launch myself forward and hug her.

  “Ah!” She squeals.

  “Oh my god, yes,” I say over her shoulder.

  She laughs. “Do you want to hear the rest?”

  I try to contain my enthusiasm and lean back. “Sorry.”

  She smiles. “I’m not exactly sure how everything will play out, but there could be yearly advances on top of royalties. You’ll have to discuss the business stuff with them, but I know several people in the industry who make a good living writing songs. I can’t give you an exact amount of money, but –”

  “I still say yes.” Is this really happening? Is Ariel Allyn asking me to write songs for her?

  “Excellent.” She extends her hand. “So, we have a deal?”

  I reach for her hand, but stop short. “Wait. You’re not doing this because you feel sorry for me, are you?”

  She gives me a pointed look. “Your songs will directly affect my career. I can’t make a call like this out of sympathy.”

  “Noted.” I shake her hand and let a smile sneak out. “Thank you.”

  She smiles back. “No, thank you.”

  “Time to celebrate!”

  Paul leaps in front of us and we both jump. I smash my shoulder against the side of my bunk. “Don’t scare us like that!”

  “Gotcha.” He winks.

  Drew appears behind him with Dean. He grabs onto the bottom of Roxanne’s bunk and hangs there. “We were eavesdropping.”

  My pulse races from the scare. “Are you bored?”

  “A little.”

  Dean points his phone at me. “Jen Elliott! You’ve just been offered a new career! What are you going to do next?”

  “Is this where I say I’m going to Disney World?” I hold up my hand to block the camera. “Are you recording this?”

  “Damn straight I am.”

  “Stop! I look like crap. There are enough bad pictures circulating of me as it is.”

  “Hey. You might want to watch this one day,” Dean jokes.

  Roxanne appears from the back of the bus. “I’ll get some drinks. What does everyone want?”

  My eyes get wide. “You were listening, too?”

  “It’s kinda hard to avoid in this space,” she says. “Besides, I finished the book I was reading. You want the regular?”

  We nod and the guys follow her toward the front of the bus.

  “So,” Ariel pushes on my knees, “I think you should call Gunnar and tell him. It will give you something to talk about.”

  I shoot her a skeptical look. “Are you sure you didn’t do this to be nice?”

  “No, but it’s a conversation starter, don’t you think?”

  “I think you’re trying to play matchmaker.” I find my phone. I won’t text Latson, but I will send a message to Pete and Jules.

  Dean reappears and hands Ariel a ginger ale. I get my Angry Orchard. My phone sounds with an alert and I look down. No way Little J. Congratulations! It’s my brother.

  Ariel’s eyebrows jump. “What did he say?”

  “My brother says congrats.”

  “You didn’t tell Gunnar?”

  “No.”

  She groans. “Why?”

  “Because.” How can I explain this? “Contacting him is all I have. If I call him now and he doesn’t respond, it will kill me.” I meet her eyes. “It will be confirmation, you know? If I put it off, it seems …” I shrug. “It seems like I still have something to hold on to. Like I haven’t burned my last bridge.”

  Ariel’s expression falls. “I get it,” she says. “It’s your last card to play.”

  I nod. This fight, this break up, whatever it is, it’s different. I’ve left guys before and they’ve left me. It wasn’t fun, but it didn’t hurt this much. I never felt like a part of me was missing. Losing Latson … I feel like there’s a huge hole in my chest. If I let myself think about him too much, it’
s hard to breathe.

  “If you could tell him anything what would it be?” Ariel looks genuinely interested. “I need to know for when I find the love of my life.”

  The hole in my chest aches. If Latson is the love of my life I would hope we’d have a happier ending than a fight over a mistake and a misunderstanding. Since my apology didn’t work, the only thing left to share is how I feel.

  “I would tell him I love him,” I say quietly. “It’s the only thing I never got to say.”

  ~~~~

  “Come on, guys. I want a picture.”

  Rox, Dean, Paul, and Drew all gather around as I try to fit us in the frame. I’ve never been good at selfies; I don’t think my arms are long enough.

  “Let me do it,” Paul says. “I’m taller.” He takes my phone from me, and we all pose for a few fun shots. I’ve been taking a lot of pictures over the last week – my last week on tour. I’m going to miss these guys something fierce. I can’t believe it’s all ending tonight. After Ariel’s encore, everyone in this room will go their separate ways.

  “Send me some of those,” Roxanne says. “I’ll put them on Dean’s website.”

  “Will do.” I nod and start typing.

  “So,” Dean approaches me, “you using the Fender tonight?”

  I look up at him and frown. “No. Why?”

  “I don’t know.” He leans against my vanity table. “We’re in your home state, your parents are here, and it’s your last show.”

  I narrow my eyes. “Do you want me to use it?”

  “Would you if I said yes?”

  Why does he care? He hasn’t over the past few weeks. “I guess so,” I answer. The whole Latson thing is still a sore spot for me. I was planning to send the guitar back to him when I got home and settled.

  “Good.” Dean’s eyes light up. “I thought you’d agree, so it’s already backstage.”

  “What’s going on?” Yes, I’m suspicious.

  “You want to impress your family, right? Plus, it’s the last show. I like the sound better.”

  “Now you tell me?” I make a face.

  He smiles as Roxanne gets our attention. “All right, lady and gentlemen. Let’s head to our final meet and greet.”

  The five of us file out of the room and down the halls of the Palace of Auburn Hills. I’ve been to countless concerts in this arena throughout my life; it’s only thirty minutes away from my home. Never once did I think I’d be playing on stage here, though. The farther I walk, the more mixed my feelings become. Excitement, intimidation, a little bit of sadness … they’re all there.

  When we enter the room to meet the fans, I spot my family right way. My parents faces light up when they see me; they wave and I wave back. My eyes find my brothers Adam, Josh, and Pete, then Jules ... then Carter, Felix, and Gwen. Holy shit. I wasn’t expecting them. Adrenaline surges through me and my heart dares to hope a certain someone else is here, too. My eyes search the room, but they don’t find him. I hide my disappointment. Did I really think he’d show up?

  No. Not until I saw everyone else.

  Roxanne and the Palace staff start to let people through to meet us like usual. Attendance has picked up during the tour like Rox had hoped; there have been at least a hundred fans, if not more, at the last several meet and greets. Mid-way through the signing, my parents make it to me.

  “Baby girl.” My dad looks at me out of the corner of his eye before opening his arms for a hug. I gladly sink into them. It’s been months since I’ve been on the receiving end of a Dad Hug.

  “Hey, Dad,” I say against his shoulder before he steps back and holds me at arm’s length. He looks me over, and I do the same to him. What the hell? “Who dressed you?” I ask.

  He chuckles. “Jules got ahold of me.” He looks down. “You don’t like my jeans?”

  “They have holes in them.” They’re distressed and ripped, very hip for a fifty-five year old English instructor. He’s also wearing a vintage, little-too-tight Moody Blues tee.

  “Let’s get one with my girl!”

  My mom’s hand slides around my shoulders as she pulls me into a picture with her and Drew. She pops one knee and winks as Jules takes the picture, a total confident fan-girl pose. I look at my dad. “What did you feed her?”

  “I’m just excited,” she gushes and leaves Drew to hug me. “I’m so proud of you! This is so big time.”

  I smile. “It kinda is, isn’t it?” She kisses my temple and leans away. It’s then I notice she’s dressed the same as my dad. “What’s with the Moody Blues?”

  “It’s the first concert I went to with your father. We still had the t-shirts!”

  “Let me get a picture of all three of you and then one with the boys.” Jules starts ordering us around. My parents stand on either side of me and wrap their arms behind my waist. Jules raises her camera and says, “Say pickles!”

  “What?” My mouth falls open just as she takes the picture. “Ugh. Take another one.”

  She takes a few shots, and then I pose with my brothers. “’Sup.” Josh jerks his chin, trying to look like a badass. It doesn’t work; he’s a much more boyish version of Pete.

  “I’ll take that as a hello,” I say.

  “Way to go, Little J!” Adam tries to give me a noogie, but I jump out of the way.

  “Adam!” I slap at him. “Would you act your age? Jesus.”

  “I don’t think they’re used to seeing you like this,” Pete says. He slaps Adam on the back of the head. “Don’t mess up her hair, dick face.”

  “Hey, now.” My dad uses his stern voice. Coupled with his signature glare, it’s enough to make my grown brothers behave.

  Once my family steps to the side, I hug the crew from Torque and sign things for them. “You guys know you can get my autograph anytime. You didn’t have to come all the way here.”

  “Mi amor.” Felix’s voice is smooth. “Montamos en el coche siempre para ti.”

  “Huh?” I frown.

  “We all rode in your car.” Gwen sounds as excited as my mom. “It was cozy but fun!”

  “All five of you fit in my car?” My surprised eyes jump to Pete. “I thought only you and Jules were bringing it back.”

  I had to get my car from Chicago somehow, so the plan was for the two of them to drive it to Michigan for the concert. Then, after, they would take the train home.

  “Road trip!” Carter grins. “Any excuse to see our favorite bartender.”

  Gwen elbows him. “Thanks a lot.”

  “What?” He shrugs. “She’s your favorite, too.”

  “Okay, you’re right.” Gwen gives me a smile.

  I feel a tap on my arm and turn around to see Roxanne behind me. She whispers, “I’m all for the family reunion, but we need to keep the line moving.”

  I nod and face everyone. “Okay, guys. I’ll see you from the stage.”

  “We get to go to the after party, right?”

  I nod my head and push Adam’s arm. “Yes. Go. I’ll see you later.”

  Everyone waves goodbye, and my parents give me a quick kiss. Pete lets the group walk ahead of him and then quietly asks, “After “Over-Exposed”, right?”

  “Yep.” I grin my first legit grin in weeks. Operation Propose to Jules is officially in motion.

  “Break a leg.” Pete fist bumps me.

  “You, too.”

  He starts to walk away, then stops. “Listen. I caught the look on your face earlier. I’m sorry Latson isn’t here with us. I tried to talk him into –”

  “Stop.” I push on his arm like I did Adam’s. “It’s fine. Go have a good time.”

  Pete smirks like he doesn’t believe me, then leaves through the exit. Before I turn around to meet the next person, I take a deep breath. The last thing I need right now is to get emotional. I have one more show to play, and it’s important. After tonight, I can wallow in misery for as long as I want. It will make me happy.

  Cardinal rule.

  Chapter Twenty Eight


  “Think what you want

  See what you see

  Deal with the lies that you think of me.

  All I ever am

  And all I’ll ever be

  Is the truth behind the lens

  That you’ll never see.

  I’m over -exposed

  And it’s still not enough

  I’m over-exposed

  Your mind has me cuffed

  I’m over-exposed

  How much can I bleed

  I’m over-exposed

  To fulfill your need.”

  Drew beats the shit out of the cymbals to finish the song, and I hold the last note on the Fender longer than usual. Paul’s practically diving off the front of the stage, and Dean’s clutching the mic like he’s trying to strangle someone.

  Hey. It’s our last show. Time to go big or go… Wait. We are going home.

  The crowd roars for us. They sound louder than usual, probably because my family and friends are screaming the place down. They’re only a few rows back, toward the center aisle on the main floor, and they’ve been going strong the entire set. I’m glad they’re having a good time.

  “Thank you!” Dean shouts into the mic. He wipes the sweat from his brow, then turns around and looks at me for the go ahead. I nod.

  “So,” he swings his guitar to the side, “I don’t know if you all know, but ah…our rhythm guitarist hails from the Motor City.”

  Drew bangs the bass drum a couple times and the crowd cheers. I step forward and wave. I can see Jules, Gwen, and my mom jumping up and down.

  “Jen’s family is here tonight.” Dean takes his mic off the stand and looks at me. “Would you like to do the honors?”

  “Sure, Dean.” My voice echoes through the arena. Suddenly, I feel like June Carter Cash on stage with Johnny. “If you’ll all bear with me, I’d like to ask my brother Pete and his girlfriend Juliana to join me on stage. There’s something we need to take care of that’s long overdue.”

  Much to the confusion of my family and friends, my brother grabs Jules’ hand and leads her away from their seats. The audience whistles and claps as a cameraman focuses on the couple and projects them on every screen in the place. When they get close to the stage, security escorts them over to me.