Worth the Fight (Accidentally on Purpose)

by Davis, L. D.

  I knew this from my heart, and honestly, I understood it. Because Emmy…Emmy was my drug.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I had only begun to get used to sleeping with Emmy in my arms again. Now it was an adjustment to sleep alone in my bed and to not hear Lucas’s early morning babbling. They were going to be in New Jersey for at least two weeks, possibly longer. I wasn’t sure if I could be without either one of them for that long, despite how I left Emmy at the airport.

  “I love you,” I had told her, but she just stood there staring at me for what felt like forever before she returned the words in a stammer.

  “I’m sorry,” she had said with sincerity.

  It was like pulling teeth to get her to say it to me. She was getting ready to go into what I deemed enemy territory – with my son no less. The least she could have done was humor me and push the words out of her mouth a little more smoothly. I told her not to worry about it and to have a nice trip. I walked away without looking back at her, because if I would have looked back at her, I would have begged her not to go. I wasn’t going to beg.

  I drove to the hospital after dropping Emmy and Lucas off at the airport. They weren’t releasing my mom in the foreseeable future. The doctors had discovered that she had a series of mini strokes and it was during one of these events that she had fallen down the stairs. I hated that she had been alone, even if only for a few minutes. Lena and Lorraine were still at odds at whether or not she should live on her own or where she should go. I honestly didn’t want her alone, but I wanted her to make the decision for herself.

  I only stayed at the hospital for a few minutes, long enough to see how Mom was feeling and to make sure there hadn’t been any significant changes. I stopped off at the office on my way home to pick up some work and then went back to my super quiet apartment. I tried to focus on the upcoming week in court, but the silence was oppressive. I knew Emmy and Lucas weren’t going to come barreling through the door at any moment. My life had changed after Lucas, but I wasn’t aware of how significant that change was until I was sitting in my living room staring at his basket of toys in a corner of the living room. My life had been vastly empty without him, and admittedly without Emmy, too. Though they were only supposed to be gone for a short few weeks, I felt loneliness and emptiness filling up around me.

  I was unsettled. I was unsettled because Emmy and I were unsettled. I of all people knew that sex did not make a relationship solid, nor did the little baby talk we had. I wasn’t even sure if we were in a relationship at all, or if Emmy was simply a horny ball of emotions as she struggled to break out of the darkness that still hung around her. I would like to think that she wouldn’t toy with me that way.

  I snickered out loud. Sometimes I’m just fucking funny. Emmy toyed with me for months when she was running back and forth between me and Kyle. I had to believe that she wouldn’t repeat history. There was no way she would break my heart again. No way.

  My confidence was shaken only two days later.

  Emmy called me early in the morning as I was on my way to court. I smiled when I heard her voice.

  “How are you guys?” I asked.

  “We're great. We're getting ready to go to the shore for a few days.”

  “Oh, Lucas's first beach trip. I'm jealous I'm not there.” I was going to miss another one of Lucas’s firsts. It pinched at my chest a little bit, but I pushed past it. It wasn’t anyone’s fault this time.

  “Sorry,” she said sincerely. “Are you still going to come out here?”

  “I don't know. Depends on your plans. You got there a week earlier than expected because of the bar, but are you still staying until after Labor Day?”

  “I don't know. Depends on what I'm going to do with the rubble that used to be my bar.”

  I wish she’d just leave it and come back home, but she had to make those decisions on her own.

  “Well, things are pretty busy here,” I said. “I'm in court all week this week. You let me know what your plans are and I will let you know if I can come.”

  “Okay,” she said. I could hear a hint of hopefulness in her voice, which made me hopeful, too. “You want to talk to Lucas?”

  “Of course.”

  I only understood about half of what Lucas said, but he said it all with such conviction. I answered as if I knew exactly what he was talking about. He mentioned the plane, ice-cream, and something about Elmo. What else could a one year old have to talk about?

  “So, what else is up?” I asked Emmy after Lucas got bored talking to me. It was just a general question to keep her talking. Even though I had reached the courthouse, I wanted to keep her on the line for a little bit longer and use the sound of her voice to propel me through my day until I could speak to her again later that night.

  “Well,” she hesitated. “I haven’t…I mean you and I haven’t really talked since I got here and…”She let out a sound of exasperation. “You know I went to the bar right after I got off of the plane.”

  “Right,” I said and frowned. She was tripping over her words and she sounded a little wound up.

  “When I got there, I was so absorbed in the wreckage I didn’t notice him until he scared the shit out of me. I was holding this half empty bottle of vodka and I was about to drink it, because, well because it’s vodka and he said something behind me and I didn’t even know he was there and I dropped the bottle.”

  “Who was behind you, Emmy?” I asked slowly. I don’t know why I bothered to ask. I already knew the answer to the question. It took him all of five minutes to find her. I wondered if he could sniff her out like a hound dog.

  “Kyle,” she said and then blundered on, unaware that she was talking herself into a hole. “We talked about the bar and he asked me if we could have lunch and I said I’d have to think about it and then he left. Last night I was sitting in my hotel room. Lucas was asleep, everyone else was busy with their own lives and I was curious. I called him. I don’t know why – I mean, not really. But the moment he answered Tabitha of all people showed up at my hotel door. I hung up with Kyle and Tabitha came in. You know, she finally told me why she has hated me all of these years? And I understand now – I get it. I’ll have to tell you about it another time. I’m just glad we made up. I called Kyle back. I just wanted to talk I guess, but he offered to bring me some food from the diner and just talk. I accepted, which was stupid, because I really wasn’t ready to talk about what needed to be talked about I guess. You know how I am with talking.”

  Funny, because she was doing an awful lot of it at the moment.

  “He came over with food like he said, but he also brought a bottle of vodka. He tried really hard to get me to drink that vodka, and I really, really needed it, but I didn’t. We didn’t talk about anything very important and then I showed him some pictures of Lucas, because Lucas was sleeping in the other room. I sat down next to him so I could explain some of the pictures and of course he tried to…kiss me…but I pushed him away. He left and then I just felt really stupid. I don’t understand why I even asked him over. It was like my curiosity really got the best of me and I couldn’t just leave well enough alone. But I won’t call him again,” she said firmly. “I didn’t come here for him. I have to take care of this bar mess and hit the beach with Lucas and hopefully you will join us.”

  I was fucking flabbergasted, and I couldn’t ignore the pain tearing through my chest. My fists clenched at my sides and I closed my eyes because I was literally seeing red. I knew Kyle would search her out, but then she invited him in – with my son in the same few feet! I knew it in my bones that Kyle had beaten Emmy. How could she just invite him over for some damn diner food with Lucas sleeping in the next room? Furthermore, this was the man that ultimately broke us apart. No, I take that back. Emmy ultimately broke us apart, but he played a very, very significant part, and she just casually invited him in as if everything would play out perfectly, like they would just be able to forget about their torrent past.

  I felt lik
e Emmy and I had really come a long way since she first moved to Chicago. I really believed there had been a chance for us and she just totally obliterated it in the name of curiosity.

  “Hello?” she tested after I had been silent for too long.

  “I'm here,” I said, forcing my eyes open. I still saw red. “I don't know what to say. I guess I'm fucking blown away.”

  “Nothing happened,” she insisted. “I told you every detail.”

  “I don't doubt your honesty, Emmy. I doubt your decision making.”

  Because inviting Kyle Sterling over was a piss poor decision.

  She was quiet, but I could almost hear her biting her bottom lip in distress. She would have had to been extremely dense to not feel my anger and hurt through the phone line.

  “Look,” I said. “You made it pretty clear where we stand, so you do whatever you want, but you keep that asshole away from my son.”

  I ended the phone call with such fury I was surprised I didn’t break the screen. I was tempted to send the phone flying across the cement, but it probably wouldn’t have gone over too well in front of security standing guard outside. I turned it off and shoved it in my pocket before storming into the courthouse.

  *~~~*

  The gavel was slamming, echoing throughout the courtroom as Judge Marsen yelled that I was in contempt. I sure the hell was in contempt, standing in Vivian’s face, yelling at her.

  My day had gone from bad to worse. My open shut case wasn’t so open and shut, not with Vivian on the opposing counsel. I felt like she had pushed every button I had, including the ones that Emmy had already pounded the hell out of. I was always a professional in court, even when I found myself raising hell in my head as steam poured out of my ears, I never lost my cool as I did this time.

  My arms were being yanked behind me and silver was being locked onto my wrists as I continued to yell at Vivian. When I called her a heart eating bitch, even she lost what little composure she had left and whipped her hand across my face so hard I saw stars.

  “Twenty-four hours in a jail cell should cool you down, Mr. Kessler,” the judge said. “No bail. I don’t want to see your face outside of that jailhouse until you have served a full twenty-four hours! Court is in recess until Thursday morning at nine a.m.”

  I was escorted via police cruiser to a holding cell generally used for city, state, or even federal officials that find themselves in a little bit of trouble. Judge Marsen was being very generous because she could have thrown me in with the general population.

  “Dude,” Officer Harris said, shaking his head after he locked me in.

  “I know,” I growled, pulling my fingers through my hair.

  “Must be a woman.”

  My look of disdain was answer enough for him. I turned my back on him and walked the few feet to the back of the cell, looking for something to punch or kick.

  “Look, I’m not an authority on women or anything,” Harris said. “But if she’s got you this crazy, you need to fix it.”

  “Kind of hard to do locked in a cell,” I yelled.

  “When you get out, go fix it.”

  “Can’t,” I growled.

  “Can’t? Or won’t?”

  “Did Oprah give you a show and stamp a Doctor title to your name, Harris?” I snapped at him.

  He grinned. “Nah man, but I have a wife and I fought my ass off to get her.”

  I stood in the middle of the small cell looking at him with my hands fisted at my sides.

  “Did you have to fight another man for her?” I asked cynically.

  “Brother, I had to fight off two exes and the general male population that even glanced at her,” he said.

  The radio on his shoulder came to life. He had a brief conversation with someone.

  “Gotta go. Fix that shit,” he said, pointing at me before disappearing down the corridor.

  A little more than twenty-four hours later I was rushing through my apartment packing an overnight bag. I hadn’t even showered yet after sitting in the dirty cell all night, but the moment I was released, I only cared about getting home and getting my shit together. I called Lena as I stuffed the last of my items in the bag.

  “Hey, jailbird,” she said when she answered.

  “How did you know?” I asked.

  “Steve called me. What happened, Luke?”

  “A lot,” I said quickly. “But I’m just calling to check on Mom.”

  “She’s fine. We didn’t tell her you went to jail, though. She’s getting released today. For right now she’s going home and Sam is going to stay with her for a few days, but she wants to move into that assisted living place. Her mind is made up.”

  “I think that’s best,” I said in a rush. “Listen, I’m going out of town for…I don’t know how long. Call me if you need anything.”

  “Where are you going?” she asked alarmed. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “I’m going to get my family and bring them back home where they belong,” I said.

  “Umm?”

  I sighed in exasperation. I didn’t have time for this. “She spent a couple of hours with him, out of ‘curiosity.’ I’m not letting him take my fucking family away.”

  “Luke,” Lena said my name softly. “You can’t go out there and drag her back here by her hair. You need to trust her.”

  “I want to trust her,” I said.

  “Did Emmy tell you herself that she saw Kyle?”

  “Yes,” I said and quickly explained to her what Emmy had told me.

  “So…she could have said nothing. She could have let you find out on your own. Maybe she thought she was doing the right thing by telling you about it. Maybe she’s really trying to gain your trust.”

  “Doing the right thing would have been to stay away from him, Lena!” I snapped.

  “Take a minute and remove yourself from the situation.”

  “But I -”

  “Take a minute and remove yourself from the situation!” she yelled.

  “I don’t know how to do that,” I argued.

  “Try seeing through her eyes and feeling what she feels.”

  “I can’t,” I gritted.

  “Yes, you can,” she insisted. “You can because you’ve been there before. You’ve been in her shoes before. Emmy hurt you, Luke. She hurt you bad. You haven’t forgotten how that felt, and I’m sure you haven’t forgotten the things you’ve done…”

  Selective memory comes in handy when you want to pretend that you handled life’s bullshit better than you actually did.

  The last weekend of September, only a few weeks after I left the east coast, I broke down and got on an early flight to Philly. I hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours a night since the last day I saw Emmy. I had lost weight because I all but stopped eating, and I couldn’t focus on anything. I was supposed to be a support, a rock for my sister Lena who was fighting breast cancer. I should have been a rock for the rest of my family that was watching her fight breast cancer, but I was nothing they needed. Because I didn’t have what I needed. And what I needed was in New Jersey.

  I had checked the Sterling building first. I was very clandestine when I went in, keeping a ball cap pulled low on my head and the collar of my jacket up to partially cover my face. I used my badge that had still not been deactivated to get through the building. I only spoke to a couple of people and was confident that they would keep my presence quiet. I was hoping that Kyle would be there and try to interfere so I could beat his face in, but when I got to the office I discovered that Emmy had left for an appointment and Kyle had been gone since earlier in the day also.

  I used my rental to drive to Kyle’s place. When Emmy went with him on a ‘business trip’ to California, I had gone out of my way to find out where the guy lived. I didn’t know what I would do with such information at the time, but it made me feel a little better knowing I had it. As I drove over there, I decided I would kick his ass in his own home if I found Emmy there, but when I got there, Kyle
wasn’t home.

  I took off for Emmy’s next, deciding that I’d use the key hidden under a bush and wait for her inside if I had to. I pulled over several houses back on the other side of the road. If she was home, her car was in the garage and not parked in the circular driveway. My hand was on the door. I was about to go find out if she was home or not, and if she was I was going to take her back. She was mine and not his. I just began to lift the handle to get out when a black Lexus pulled into the driveway. I knew instantly it was Kyle, and that was confirmed when he stepped out of the car. Emmy’s front door opened and she came out carrying a small suitcase and a small duffel bag. She met Kyle at the back of his car where he popped the trunk and helped her put her bags inside. He closed the trunk and then pulled her into his arms. I saw the frown on her face, but she let him kiss her. She didn’t look any happier after he released her, but she held onto the lapels of his jacket and rested her head on his chest.

  To this day I don’t know why that small action changed my course. I didn’t get out and claim my woman. I didn’t beat Kyle’s ass. But I sat there in the car, dying inside. Dying outside. Just dying as I watched them drive away. I’m not a crying kind of man. I didn’t cry when my sister got cancer. I didn’t cry when my dad died. But Emmy, Emmy had a way of fucking me up. I sat there in the car like a weak, defeated man and fought back my tears as the only woman I ever really, truly wanted and loved was whisked away by Kyle Fucking Sterling.

  I became very bitter after that. I began to train my heart and mind to only hate Emmy, but even with that hatred brewing inside, whenever Sam visited my family in Chicago, I couldn’t stop myself from asking about Emmy. I never wanted too many details, and Sam never offered up too many. I often found myself searching Emmy out on social media networks, never finding her, and even Googling her home and looking at the house from a satellite view. I had gone back to Jersey twice more, once for a wedding and again to help a friend with a legal issue. During both visits I had driven by her house several times, telling myself that I hated her and if I saw her I’d tell her so. One time my own curiosity got the best of me and I stopped in her driveway and got out of the car and knocked on her door. When no one answered, I wondered if she had seen me through a window and just refused to answer. The idea pissed me off. I found the hidden key and let myself in. It was only a week after New Year’s. The house was dark with the exception of some soft lights that were on timers, and though everything on the first floor looked the same as it did the last time I saw it, it felt different. It felt so empty that I didn’t even have to look upstairs to know that she wasn’t there.