Sleepers (Book 5)
Page 10
“Are you sure your mom wants to see me and wants me there?”
“No.” Danny shook his head. “I’m sure my mom wants and needs you there more than anyone right now.”
I stayed close to Danny as we walked back to the block. How much he had grown up in the time that I had known him. I always tried to be strong for him, however, at that moment, I was so grateful that Danny was being strong for me.
I was drowning in a loss bigger than I could imagine, and Danny was the life raft I needed.
23. Mera
Sonny was desperate. I know how badly it hurt. Losing my daughter crushed my spirit and stomped out my spark for life.
Jessie, my daughter, my only daughter, was gone.
God gives a life and takes one. So true.
Sonny came to me after things calmed down, after he tried to talk to Alex.
“We can change this,” he said. “Right now, let’s change this.”
I saw the heavy sadness and desperation in his eyes. In losing Jessie he’d lost a big part of himself as well.
“No,” I replied without hesitation.
“Mera, listen to me,” he begged. “Please.”
“Sonny, have you ever heard the saying God gives a life and takes a life? Well, it’s more than that. I cheated death and I think death wants its due.”
“What do you mean, Mera? That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it? I firmly believe, other than Daniel and Jeremy, I was supposed to suffer another loss. Some loss that makes me a certain way. I did. I lost Beck. We brought him back and what happened? We lost Alex. Each time the loss gets worse, Sonny. It does. Losing Beck hurt, losing Alex crushed me… losing Jessie has destroyed me. What is next? Who is next? If we cheat fate again, fate is gonna claim something in return. Ying and yang. I don’t even want to think about what could be a bigger loss than Jessie. If I say nothing, I will be wrong.”
“You’re not thinking clearly,” Sonny said.
“No, I am thinking clearly. More than anything in this world, I want my daughter to be alive. She’s not. She’s gone. I have to accept that, no matter how badly it hurts.”
I expected him to accept that instead of smashing his fist into the wall, causing me to jump. Sonny stormed off.
“He’s angry,” Randy’s gentle voice said.
I didn’t even know he was there in our block, let alone that he had heard. He had brought Phoenix and Keller back because Michael needed them. They were in the main room with Bonnie.
“It’s very soon,” I replied. “I’m in shock.”
“I know the feeling. I was there. I know the pain of losing a child.” He placed his hand on my shoulder.
I wanted to cry, however, there would be time for that. Everyone else was falling apart. “Randy, did you know? Did the Doctrines say? In the original Doctrines, the ones Michael has, Jessie was killed very early.”
Randy shook his head. “The Doctrines stop talking about her. She played no role. There was no mention of a death.”
“Why would Sonny not put that in there?”
“Honestly, Sonny is blaming himself. The fence, part of who he put on watch.”
“How is he? The young man on watch?”
Another shake of his head. “Not good.”
I inhaled deeply. “He’s so young. I know this was all a big accident. Randy, you control the time. Do not let Sonny do this. If you heard us speak, you heard my reason.”
“I do and I agree. I promise you, Mera.” He gave me a huge, Randy bear hug embrace. My God, did that feel good. I hid in his embrace and broke in his arms. It was an immediate reaction. From comfort to tears.
I thought of Beck and how he didn’t know. How he couldn’t know until he came back. How torn apart he was going to be. I hoped he didn’t return at least until we all got over our shock, because Beck would encompass every emotion we all were dealing with.
I wiped my tears and thanked Randy.
“Anytime. I’ll do what I can.” He leaned forward, placed his lips to my head and held them there.
He had to return to the major task of explaining to the other children who lived in our block. They were staying with Randy, and Renee and Patty were helping to care for them.
Danny had left to try his hand with Alex and I knew Michael and Bonnie were waiting. They were going to try to put the babies down for the night. Explaining to them what had happened would take some time. Although, I sensed by their demeanor and sadness that they knew.
As I approached the main dorm doors, Bonnie stepped out.
“Are you leaving?” I asked.
Her face was red and puffy, her eyes bloodshot. “I can’t do this,” she said, unable to speak a word without sobbing.
“Michael really wants us to sit together, talk and pray. Alex should be—”
“I can’t even look at Alex right now. His arrogance is what caused this,” Bonnie snapped. “He had no right putting a new person on tower with control over that much power. Alex set up the security detail. He knew that kid wasn’t ready.”
Her blaming Alex hurt me, and I didn’t want to argue with her at the moment. She was hurting as much as we were.
“And praying?” She chuckled wryly. “The icing on the cake. After all this shit, this pretty much confirmed to me that there is no God and we are praying to an idol. Mera, I’m sorry. I know she was your daughter, but Jessie was the only reason I woke up in the morning. I grasped on to her as if she were my own. She was a piece of my own child back in my life. I adored Jessie. And I’m done.” She brought her hand to her face to smear the streaming tears. “I’m so done. This did me in. I’m finished.”
“Bonnie, please, don’t leave. Okay? Right now we need you here.”
“I don’t want to add to your pain and me facing Alex will. And no worries.” She placed her hand on my face. “I have a plan. Next Sleeper attack, and there will be one, I’m hopping on Black Beauty and I’m gonna go down in a blaze of glory and take as many as them bastards as I can with me.” She kissed me on the cheek, hugged me firmly, then turned and walked away.
What the hell was happening? It was my daughter, yet, I seemed to be holding on to the most control.
Danny hadn’t returned with Alex yet and there was somewhere else I needed to go. After telling Michael that I would be back, and asking him to let Javier know I wanted him to check on my baby, I left.
Jenna Stilton was on duty as the night medical person, and of course Javier was there. Jenna said grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and told me, “I’m praying.”
“Thank you.”
Jenna was the matriarch of the Stilton family from Grace. They had lived there before the Event, and had taken on several of the ‘future’ kids when they had lost their own two children. They were good family and we all liked them.
Ed was in a bed, oxygen mask on his face. The monitor beeped steadily and Javier was standing by him.
“How is he?” I asked as I walked to him. “Stable,” Javier stated. “Levi handled all the work up on him. I was a bit too shaken after today. He’s holding his own though. If he doesn’t arrest again he’s out of the woods. Most electrocution victims can arrest again.”
“I know. My husband Daniel worked for the electric company. He talked about that a lot.” “He’s out though. I am keeping him sedated until morning,” Javier said. “How are you feeling? I can give you something to sleep that won’t hurt the baby.”
“Just tell me I can have an extra two ounces of wine tonight.”
“You can do a shot tonight. The baby will be fine.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll let you visit.” Javier started to leave and stopped. “Mera, please know, I am very—”
“Don’t say it,” I said softly. “I know. I know how you feel. I just stopped crying and every time someone says that to me, I cry again.”
“You’ll cry for a long time.”
“The rest of my life.”
He nodded and walked from the room.
What moment?
“How did you know?” I whispered. “How did you know?” I kissed his forehead and silently said a prayer that he recovered.
After a few minutes, I headed back to the cell. As I arrived into the main building Danny and Alex were getting ready to enter into our section. They must have heard me because they stopped at the door and turned around.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw Alex. My God, did I look that tormented? He sure did. He was drawn and pale and he gazed upon me with frightened eyes.
He closed his eyes. “Mera, I am so sorry.”
“I am too.” I reached out and grabbed his hand. “Thank you so much, Alex, for all that you did for Jessie.”
“I failed.”
“No, you didn’t fail. You succeeded. It just wasn’t meant to work.”
A small sound of pain escaped Alex and his head dropped. Danny rested his hand on Alex’s shoulder and I walked toward him. Alex grabbed hold of me and that was all it took. I broke. Him holding me and feeling his pain with mine was my final straw for the night.
An aching cry rumbled from my chest and my body bounced as I cried. “She’s gone, Alex. Our girl is gone!”
He held me tighter. No words were spoken. I knew he had broken as well.
In that hallway, for a little while, forgetting everything else, I held on to Alex Sans and from the depths of my soul, I wept.
24. Sonny
To ‘Fall from Grace’ isn’t just a term relative to Christians, it was an idiom that I applied to myself.
In my own eyes, I fell from Grace. I was nothing. That’s how I felt.
Then again, I was so angry, I couldn’t process my thoughts correctly. A heartache descended upon Haven and it was at the hands of my invention.
Needing someone to talk to, I chose the wrong person while looking for a bottle. Bonnie.
“You’re insane,” she told me. “You didn’t do this. That fence saved more lives than it took. It wasn’t the fence, it was the idiot on watch and Alex who put him there.”
She was angrier than me. She took a big chug from my bottle, swiped her hand across her mouth, and walked away. I hoped that attitude was only the product of her grief, because that wasn’t the same Bonnie I had come to know and love.
The more I drank, the worse I was, and I needed to put that anger to use. I grabbed a shovel. I knew where we needed to lay Jessie to rest.
Just beyond the stained glass window of the chapel was a yard. Jessie would be the first buried in Haven. I started to dig. The ground was soft. I’d do the best I could and if I got tired, I’d finish the next day. With every shovelful of dirt, I grunted out in pain. The hole would never be big enough to take it all away.
However, I was getting there. I was getting to the point where I felt better. The alcohol, despite how much I consumed, barely had an effect on me. Then Tim showed up. I heard the staggering walk, the heavy breathing. At first I thought it was a Sleeper, and I hurriedly climbed from the hole.
I didn’t know him all that well. He was one of the new guys Beck’s soldier brought with them. His face was worn and looked much older than his thirty years.
He was a mess. He breathed out heavily as he approached me. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not drunk if that’s what you think.”
“I wasn’t thinking that.”
“Can you tell Mera I am so sorry? It was an accident. I didn’t know. I tried to shut it off, the delay didn’t let me. I shouldn’t have had it on. I just wanted everyone to be safe.”
“We all know it was an accident.”
“Can you tell her?”
“You can tell her,” I said calmly. “Mera isn’t going to blame you. She knows.”
“I took away her child.”
“It was an accident.”
His head lowered and his shoulders bounced. His guilt was consuming him and I didn’t know what to say. We all blamed ourselves in one way or another.
“This world, you know, is hard enough,” Tim said, in great pain. “The Sleepers take enough from us, without us taking from ourselves. Tell Mera I’m sorry. I need her to forgive me.”
“Tim, honestly, you’ll feel better. Talk to her. She doesn’t hate you.”
“She doesn’t need to.” He raised his hand. “I hate myself.”
Just as I registered he was holding a gun, he placed it to his temple and pulled the trigger. There was a silencer on the end and with the snap of the high pitched sound he flew sideways to the ground.
I leaped across my hole to get to him and lifted him into my arms the second I dropped down to him. I lifted my radio and called out, frantically for Javier. “Javier come behind the chapel. Hurry!”
There was a delay in the response, but he let me know he was on his way.
Holding Tim in my arms, I looked down and told him help was coming. I knew no amount of help would make a difference, however. The entire side of Tim’s head was dangling by a thread of skin. Tim had already left, and in a sense, was better off than I was.
He wasn’t in pain, didn’t feel pity, sadness, anger or guilt.
He was dead. Something about that didn’t seem quite so bad.
*
It amazed me how one single event could alter the perception of life and death of so many people.
We fought diligently to be safe from the Sleepers. Yet, we didn’t even figure into the equation that something else could happen other than the lifeless beings that swarmed for our blood.
I finished digging the hole after Javier and two others came and retrieved Tim. Another death to inform Michael of. Another death not caused by the Sleepers. It was too hard to comprehend.
Jessie was an innocent taken too soon from a world that had been damned. It wasn’t fair, not to her, to anyone who cared for and loved her, and it wasn’t fair to humanity. We were already at a disadvantage.
I turned to go back to the cell block, longing for the booze I had in my cell. It was quiet and dark when I walked in, except for the nightlight in the dorm room. Everyone was sleeping and I crept slowly to my cell.
On the top landing, before I went in, I glanced down. Typically, when I did so, I could see Jessie’s bed and Jessie sleeping there. This night, Alex sat there, his back against the wall, eyes closed and Mera lay with her head on his lap, curled in a ball, holding Mr. Biggles, Jessie’s stuffed bear.
That was it for me. The vision encompassed how bad things really were. I stormed into my cell wanting to kill someone. Although really, my anger filled grief could not be consoled. I lunged out, ripping down those happy posters Alex had put on my wall, the cartoon curtains, anything happy… I tore it down.
I didn’t want to see happiness. The rage I felt inside was not me. I just wanted it out. And with a low, rumbling scream, I punched into the concrete wall.
Crack.
I felt my hand break and that was fine. I’d deal with it in the morning. That was the pain I concentrated on. At least for the night.
I gripped my bottle with my injured hand and took a huge drink.
Every single one of us was emotionally scattered. I prayed that somehow, someway, we’d pull it together tonight. Because in a way, we were all falling apart.
The death that divided us. For some reason that went through my mind and sounded familiar.
The Doctrines. I had read it in the Doctrines.
The death that divided them.
After another drink, I retrieved the books and started to search for that part, to see how things turned out, but I stopped myself.
No. No more. No more Doctrines.
We determined our future, not the pages of something I wrote years ago.
My hand hurt and throbbed, and that was my focus. It was better than
rage.
We all handle death differently. For some reason, I wasn’t handling Jessie’s death very well at all.
For the sake of Mera, Danny, and the rest of my family, I had to get it together. I vowed, from that moment on, my broken hand would be the only thing to break in me.
25. Alex
It was a reality in three days. It no longer felt as if I were going to wake from a horrendous nightmare.
It was real.
Jessie was gone.
No longer would she ride her horse or stand above my bed laughing because I was snoring. Things were not the same. None of us were.
The two days following Jessie’s death were numb. I spent my time watching for Sleepers and sitting at the radio, trying to get a hold of Beck. Hell I even took a ride out fifty miles to look for Beck. Maybe he was on his way back.
Nothing.
Day three slammed me. It started right after I stepped outside.
“Alex, it’s been three days,” Javier said, approaching me. “I know you are waiting for Beck.”
“I’m trying, Jav. He needs to be here. Maybe he’s on his way.”
“We can’t wait. We don’t have the means here to store a body properly. We have to bury her.”
“What is Mera saying?” I asked. “Last I talked to her she wanted to wait for Beck.”
“She told me she was going along with whatever you want. She needs this done, though. The whole family does.”
I exhaled heavily and nodded. “Then we’ll move forward.”
“I’ll prep everything for this afternoon.”
It was still morning, and I thought, one more time, Go look for Beck. I decided maybe I would take a horse, even though I wasn’t the best rider. It would save on gas.
That was a pointless thought. Bonnie was the gatekeeper and not a pleasant one. In my twisted thoughts, I believed she was just sad and that was why she hadn’t talked to me. I was wrong.
Bonnie hated me.
“You’re not getting my horse.”