Wedding Bells and Midnight Spells

by Sarina Dorie

  For another reason, all the unicorns hated Thatch because he’d killed one from their herd in his youth.

  I stroked Clyde’s neck. “How’d you end up being Thatch’s ride? Did you get the short straw again?”

  “No. I selected myself. I needed to avenge my brother’s death.”

  “Oh.”

  I didn’t ask who had died. I knew it had to be Bart. Clyde wasn’t one for conversation, and he didn’t sing any Madonna like Bart would have. The mood of our trip was gloomy.

  Even when Clyde stopped at streams to rest and drink water, he said little. He just toed the earth and moped. I stroked his mane and leaned against his neck. He was too depressed to complain about me touching him, even though I wasn’t a virgin.

  Clyde dozed during one of our breaks. Thatch sat against a tree, his eyes tired. I wondered when he’d last rested. I sat beside him, close, but not too close. His arms were long enough to reach me without much effort. He placed an arm on my shoulder, the gesture probably meant to be consoling.

  I struggled not to shrink back from him. I couldn’t stop thinking how only hours before Derrick had been the one touching me, comforting me. I smelled him on my skin. I didn’t want to sit close to Thatch where he would smell the sex on me and know what I had done.

  “You can lean your head against my shoulder and use me as a pillow,” he offered.

  “Your shoulders are too bony to make good pillows.”

  A wry smile touched his lips. “True. I’m all gristle and bone. You would make a better pillow for me.” His gaze flickered to my breasts and back up to my face, a teasing hint, subtle compared to Derrick’s over-the-top humor.

  I reclined against Clyde who had flopped ungracefully on the ground.

  “How is everyone else at the school? Everyone besides . . . Bart?” It didn’t feel real that he was dead. He was a unicorn. He was supposed to live forever.

  “Pinky was taken to the infirmary. Josie wanted to go with him to see to him, but there was so much blood, Khaba was afraid it might . . . make her hungry. She was stuck in her spider form and having a difficult time changing back. Pro Ro suffered from a concussion. Grandmother Bluehorse broke her hip. She blames me . . . yet again.”

  I shook my head at him. “You’re everyone’s favorite scapegoat.” The last time she’d broken a hip it had been when he’d gone recruiting and he needed her compassion and gentle demeanor while gathering a feral child.

  “Everyone else was all right, then?” I asked.

  “Not everyone. Perhaps we should wait until we return to the school to discuss further details.”

  “Vega?”

  He frowned. “It isn’t my place to talk about it.”

  “Talk about what? Is she alive?”

  “She’s . . . fine.” His frown deepened. “I already told you. It isn’t my place to say. She can tell you if she wants.”

  “No. You can’t start a sentence with that. You need to tell me what happened to her.”

  He kicked at a pinecone. “She miscarried. Elric insisted she go back to his estate so he could care for her. I . . I’ve never seen Vega cry before.”

  Poor Vega. Just when the damage to her heart had been healed enough that she could love again, now this. I should never have let her be my secret maid of honor. I should have listened to Thatch and gotten married in secret. If I had, Bart would be alive. Vega and Elric wouldn’t have lost their baby.

  Derrick would be alive.

  I hated myself.

  “It isn’t public knowledge about what happened to Vega. I don’t think she wants anyone to know about her . . . circumstances,” Thatch said.

  I already knew about her circumstances. I wondered if Elric would still want her even if she wasn’t carrying his baby. If he did, it would show he might want her for more than being a baby-making machine.

  We lapsed into silence. Sunlight spilled through the lacy canopy above our heads. Clyde snored softly beside us. It reminded me of the unicorns in my dreams and how much better I felt being able to decide they should snore so that I knew they were alive. If only I could bend the fabric of reality as I did while dreaming.

  I tried to distract myself with the way water burbled in a nearby creek, observing a thousand different greens around me, and the gratitude I should have felt for being alive.

  I did have a few more weeks after all.

  My thought continually flickered back to Derrick and how much my soul ached for him to be alive. I loathed myself for what I had done.

  He was truly gone this time.

  I couldn’t blame Thatch for everything he’d done to keep Derrick and me apart the first time Derrick had been cursed. I couldn’t blame Elric for keeping him from me the second time. I was the one to blame for his fate both times.

  I was the one to blame for everyone getting hurt.

  Thatch studied me in silence.

  “The Raven Court got through our wards because of Derrick,” I said. “His captain unraveled the wards from the inside, and his crew worked on the defenses from the outside. They got in because they were trying to save me, but they helped the Fae get in too.”

  “I imagined it happened in that fashion,” Thatch said.

  My chest felt heavy, my throat so tight it didn’t want to let the words out. “Derrick wouldn’t have come if I had left him alone. But I contacted him in my dream to confront him about the origami cranes. It wasn’t even him magicking the origami to appear. It was me. I couldn’t ignore them like everyone told me to. If I hadn’t ever gone to him, he wouldn’t have come. He wouldn’t be dead, and no one would have gotten hurt. I—”

  “Stop.” He put up a hand. “Don’t go down that path. You can’t blame yourself every time someone gets hurt.”

  “Who else got hurt?” I asked.

  “I’m not going to discuss this now. We’re both exhausted. When we get to the school, you need to sleep. After you’re refreshed, we’ll go to the infirmary and inquire after everyone’s health.”

  I’d never been one to listen to reason. I wasn’t going to start now.

  “Is my mom all right?”

  He wet his lips.

  “Was she hurt? Is she dead?” Panic rose in me.

  He didn’t meet my eyes. “Probably not. We can speak with Elric when we return.”

  Vega was at Elric’s estate because she was hurt—or inconsolable. It was hard to believe my fairy godmother would have gone to his estate as well. She wouldn’t have gone willingly into a Fae household. That meant she must have been injured.

  I drew my knees to my chest. I would never forgive myself if something had happened to her. Then again, I already didn’t know if I could forgive myself for betraying Thatch and killing Derrick.

  “Come sit beside me, Clarissa.” His eyes implored me. “I don’t have a curse that’s going to be released if you touch me.”

  “Not funny.” I didn’t move.

  It felt wrong to joke about Derrick. It felt wrong to sit next to Thatch. I couldn’t cuddle with him and pretend everything was the same between us when I knew it wasn’t. I had been unfaithful. I had enjoyed being unfaithful with Derrick.

  “Are you angry with me?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “No. I’m mad at myself.” I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t know how to begin.

  “You aren’t punishing me, then? You’re punishing yourself. Is it working?” He spoke so dispassionately, it was hard to detect the sarcasm. “It always makes me feel so much better when I mentally beat myself up.”

  I couldn’t not take advantage of the opening. “No, it makes you feel better when you physically beat yourself up.”

  He smiled, and I knew there were no hard feelings over me teasing him.

  He nudged my foot with his. “I didn’t come all this way to find you in the hopes that you would alienate yourself and push me away. I had hoped you might express a hint of satisfaction at seeing me. A hug. A kiss. An expressi
ve phrase such as, ‘I’m relieved you’re all right. I’ve missed you so much.’ Or some such thing.”

  I didn’t want him to feel pushed away or unloved. “I did miss you, and I am glad you’re all right. It’s just that I don’t want you to touch me until after I take a shower.”

  He sighed, resignation weighing him down. “As you wish.”

  Tears welled up in my eyes. Was he trying to be funny? Did he understand that was the line from Princess Bride? Did he understand that was what Derrick had said to me, trying to be what he thought I wanted?

  The brittle bandage I’d used to close the wound in my heart tore free, and a well of sorrow overflowed. A sob bubbled up out of me. “I’m worse than Alouette Loraline. She didn’t kill someone who loved her.”

  Thatch knelt at my side. “Don’t ever feel guilty for surviving.”

  Clyde snorted and shook himself before rolling over. “Will you two stop making so much noise? One of us is trying to take a nap over here.”

  I buried my face in my arms and ignored him as I continued to sob. Clyde shifted out from under me and noisily stomped away. He plopped himself elsewhere.

  Thatch took my hand in his and squeezed it. “Let me hold you. If you can’t stand the idea of me bringing you comfort, at least consider how it will bring me comfort.”

  I didn’t want to punish him through my actions. I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried.

  He patted my back and held me to him. His touch sent a chemical reaction through my body, like two ingredients in an alchemy formula, both becoming something else when they bonded, neither escaping the transformation they caused. The coziness of his arms alleviated the pain inside and exorcised the demons building inside me. I wanted it to be because he was my true love, not because of my magic, but I could only take delusions so far.

  “I need to tell you something.” I sniffled and wiped my eyes.

  He handed me his handkerchief. “Go on.”

  I wiped at my eyes, but the tears kept coming. I blew my nose.

  He remained silent, patient. He stroked my hair. It made it so much harder that he was trying to be nice.

  I forced myself to say it. The words tasted sour in my mouth. “I had sex with Derrick.”

  “I know.”

  I pulled away, staring into the calm of his eyes. “How?”

  His voice remained neutral. “His curse was cured. Then it wasn’t. Just as before.”

  “That’s not how it happened! I didn’t have sex with him, and then kaboom, he turned evil. You assume I made the exact same mistake as I did last time. I knew I couldn’t cure him with my affinity.”

  “I beg your pardon. Enlighten me.” He didn’t say it snotty, but he had a way of always sounding haughty, even when he wasn’t trying.

  I had to look into the gray gloom of his eyes to know he was being serious, not facetious. I wanted to unburden my soul and confide in someone. I just didn’t want it to be him.

  He smoothed my hair away from my face.

  I began with the moment Derrick used chloroform to knock me out. For all I knew, it was possible Derrick had started to undo the protective measures to block his curse the moment he’d held me in his arms. Thatch listened attentively, without interruption. I hesitated when I came to the part about Baba. He didn’t need me to protect him from the truth, but I couldn’t stand to tell him how soon we would both die.

  Not yet. I could only tell him one horrible story at a time.

  I explained how I had questioned the captain—the poor kind man—and puzzled together how they had gotten through the wards, which had let the Fae in. It hadn’t been malicious. I could understand how they had been trying to help me, how Derrick had been trying to save me.

  I told Thatch about our argument. My hand had touched Derrick’s through his glove, brief as it had been. As he’d thrown himself overboard, my fingers had brushed against his heart. It could have been any of those moments his curse had awakened.

  Thatch nodded, mute, his mask of a face giving away nothing.

  “I was asleep when he came to me. I thought I was dreaming as he kissed me. But I didn’t want to dream about him. I tried to use the lucid-dreaming techniques to control the fabric of my dream like you showed me, but it didn’t work. By the time I realized it wasn’t a dream, I didn’t want him to stop. My affinity didn’t want him to. I was having difficulty controlling myself. He suggested we join the Raven Queen. He had it all worked out in his mind how I could survive. If I went to her of my own free will and bartered with her, she might not torture me and try to steal my soul.”

  He shook his head, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. I could read the disgust in his eyes.

  “I didn’t believe him. I knew it wasn’t going to work,” I said. “But I also knew I couldn’t refuse him. He wouldn’t let me. He was compelled. This was supposed to be the alternative so he didn’t feel like he needed to kill me in order to keep me safe from her. So I agreed I would go with him, hoping I would be able to think up a plan. I didn’t want to kill him, but I also didn’t know if he would kill me. I knew I couldn’t fight him.”

  I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it remained. “I didn’t want it to be like with Julian. I didn’t want to feel like he was forcing me. It was easier to not resist and let him seduce me. I didn’t even think about you or how it would hurt you.”

  He drew me closer and squeezed me to him. “I’m not angry with you. This was out of your control. You were making the best of a rotten situation.”

  He still didn’t understand. I had been in control.

  “I told myself I could use my magic against him. I consciously made the decision to protect myself and kill him if I had to, but I couldn’t do it while I was drunk on my affinity. And when I did pull away, it was because I was afraid of the pain. I was afraid he might drain me or kill me.” I drew in a shaky breath. “He promised me he wouldn’t ever hurt me. He made an oath to prove it to me.”

  Thatch stroked my hand. “Did he keep his word? He didn’t harm you? Torture you and use your affinity to make you like it?”

  “No. He was kind to me the entire time. He was . . . gentle. He made me fall in love with him all over again.”

  That’s why it felt so wrong. He’d loved me and promised me everything he could give me. I hadn’t promised him anything. I’d known I couldn’t because I would have to betray him.

  I stared at the tweed of Thatch’s jacket, not meeting his eyes. “He loved me. I don’t think he would have forced himself on me. If I had said I didn’t want him, he would have left me alone, but I was the one who consciously made the decision to have sex with him. I knew it would bring me power, and I could use it.”

  He squeezed my shoulders. “Don’t ever feel guilty for doing what you need to do in order to survive. It helped you remain safe. You were smart and correct in what you did.”

  “No. I was selfish. I could have said no and tried to find another way. We were about to be married, and I wasn’t faithful to you. I cheated on you with my ex-boyfriend. Physically, yes, but more than that, my heart cheated on you. I fell in love with him all over again. Even now, it’s hard to tell what was magic-induced feelings and what wasn’t. As if that isn’t bad enough, I had hours of unprotected sex with another man while you were worrying about me and trying to find me to save me.”

  One side of his face lifted into a lopsided smile. “If I can forgive Gertrude for using her siren magic on other men because I wasn’t enough to satisfy her, don’t you think I can forgive you for trying to make the best of the situation you were in? Don’t you think I would be relieved for you to use your affinity to bring you strength?”

  “Maybe you can forgive me, but I can’t.” I couldn’t stop thinking how I was like Alouette Loraline.

  “Would you forgive me?” He touched my chin. “Or would you hate me forever if I needed to save my life with sex?”

  “If you cheated on me wit
h Gertrude Periwinkle, I would be angry and jealous.” I would be heartbroken. I would want to punch him. But if she saved his life through having sex with him, it might be different. If she seduced him with siren magic so he could grow stronger to resist the temptations of the Raven Queen, wouldn’t I be glad he was alive? Not that his magic worked that way. If she flogged him until he magically orgasmed so that he could free himself from imprisonment, it would be hard to hate either of them.

  I wanted him to live. I would give anything for him to not sacrifice himself for me if that’s what it came to.

  “I would forgive you,” I said.

  “Then you can stop worrying. You’re forgiven, and we can move on.” He brushed a finger across my brows, making me aware of the way my forehead crinkled.

  “Is there more?” he asked.

  I shook my head. Now was not the time to mention Baba Nata’s prophecy. I wasn’t even sure if it was true. If it had been, she might have been referring to Derrick. He had tried to sacrifice himself for me, but failed, possibly because of the curse that I had awoken. It wouldn’t let him die. That meant Derrick was my true love, and I had killed him.

  Thatch rested his face in the crook of my neck. “Is it the pleasure magic you still feel guilty about? I’m guessing that’s what he did.”

  I shrugged. I didn’t know what Derrick had done when we’d been in bed together.

  “That’s why you had so much magic, even after you used lightning.” He laced his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp, sending relaxation through my muscles.

  I nodded.

  “So you feel bad that you had hours of enjoyable bed play without me?” His eyebrow quirked upward as he gazed up at me. “Probably it was the best sexual experience of your life.”

  I shook my head. “No. It wasn’t as good as when we’re together.” A white lie. It was always great with Thatch, sometimes transcendentally good, but something about the night I’d spent with Derrick had been beyond even that.

  Yet afterward I had felt empty and icky. I didn’t feel that way with Felix Thatch. Even after that one time in the Raven Court with the Raven Queen watching, I hadn’t doubted he loved me. I hadn’t hated him for manipulating me.