Dog Day Wedding

by Rich Amooi

  “Give it To Me Baby was recorded by Rick James,” said Danny, entering the studio right behind Stevie. “1981.”

  Stevie twirled his finger in the air. “Big whoopdy doo. Tell someone who cares.”

  Precious ran to greet the boys and Giovanni turned around. “What are you guys up to?”

  “Jesus!” yelled Stevie, pointing at his black eye like it was a monster. “What happened to you? Did you fall over while trying to hump an inanimate object?” Stevie held out a high-five for Danny who didn’t reciprocate.

  Giovanni shook his head. Should he tell them? If he did he wouldn’t hear the end of it. But if he didn’t tell them they wouldn’t leave him alone until he did. Basically he was screwed either way.

  “I kissed Natalie at her wedding rehearsal and her fiancé hit me.”

  Giovanni wished he had something to put into both of Stevie and Danny’s open mouths. Maybe a couple of guitar picks? No. Something bigger. A banana, maybe. Why were they so surprised?

  Stevie held up a high-five for Giovanni. “You got your balls back. Yes!”

  Giovanni stared at his hand in the air.

  Stevie slowly brought his hand back down and frowned. “Doesn’t anybody high-five anymore? What else can guys share? We can’t go to the bathroom together.”

  “Ignore him,” said Danny. “Tell us about the girl. Did you get her?”

  “She chose him.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense. How was the kiss?”

  He smiled. “The best. And she kissed me back.”

  “No!”

  “Yes.”

  “You rocked it!” said Stevie. “I knew you would because I have to say you’ve got a nice tongue, Giovanni. Smooth. Perfectly proportioned to your mouth. A nice hue as well. Do you use a tongue scraper after you brush?”

  Danny and Giovanni stared at Stevie.

  “What?”

  They continued to stare.

  Stevie reached down to pet Precious. “Hey, you know I’m not gay so quit looking at me that way! I just notice certain things and I believe in cleanliness and hygiene.” Precious licked Stevie’s hand and he pulled away and stared at it. “Where has this dog’s mouth been? Never mind! I don’t wanna know. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, the kiss. I’m telling you…it ain’t over.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “Not even close. If she kissed you back you’re still in the game, my man. I’ve got books to back up my statements!”

  “She’s getting married! She told me to take a hike then she slapped me. End of story.”

  “That was just for show. She digs you and you need to go over there and stop that wedding.”

  “You sound like my mom.”

  Like he was going to stop the wedding. Wouldn’t it be easier just to go next door and talk with her? Less dramatic, that’s for sure. He had been a part of two almost-weddings and they were humiliating. And who knew, maybe he would get punched again. This time by Natalie. She took it easy on him with that slap. And with those kicks. She was a cop and could have easily broken one or both of his kneecaps.

  No. Not gonna happen.

  Stevie pushed Giovanni. “You’re thinking too much. Do you like the girl or not?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Do it. Get the girl. We’ll go with you for emotional support. You be the balls and we’ll be the sac.”

  “Sometimes you’re not very eloquent with words.”

  “Damn skippy, Mr. Pippy. Hey, we’ll be like wedding crashers, only a little more obvious and on a serious mission. To get the girl. And if there’s a possibility of getting a slice of cake in the process, so be it.”

  Giovanni laughed. It’s not like he wasn’t tempted to try to get the wedding canceled. He liked Natalie. A lot. In fact, he was pretty sure he was falling in love with her.

  She was an angel.

  That kiss told him that she felt something too, but would that something be enough for her to not marry Jacks? That was the million-dollar question.

  The phone rang and Giovanni checked the ID.

  “It’s my mom again. I’m not gonna pick up.”

  “I don’t blame you,” said Stevie. “Your mom is like a hyena.”

  “That’s not far off target,” said Danny. “Female hyenas wear the pants in the family, you know. A female hyena has a pseudopenis and—”

  “Enough!” yelled Giovanni.

  Stevie and Danny stared at Giovanni.

  Giovanni shrugged. “Sorry. It’s just…my mom is driving me crazy.”

  The phone rang again. Enough was enough. He was going to tell his mom to mind her own business.

  He answered the call and said, “Mom. This is enough. I—”

  “Hi Giovanni, it’s me. James.”

  “James? Hi! Sorry. How are you?”

  “Good. I love the guitar you gave me. The performance was good too. They threw flowers at me.”

  “That means they really liked you!”

  “I know. Thanks again for the guitar. Can I talk with Natalie?”

  “Oh. Well…she’s not here. She’s probably getting ready for her wedding tomorrow.”

  “Oh.”

  “You sound disappointed, James.”

  “I may be eight, but I notice things. I saw the way she looked at you. It was how my mom used to look at my dad. And my mom loved my dad a lot.”

  “Really…”

  “Yeah. A lot. Do you love Natalie?”

  Giovanni let out a deep breath. Danny and Stevie were staring at him, very interested in this conversation. Too interested.

  “Hold on, James,” said Giovanni.

  “Okay.”

  Giovanni covered the mouthpiece with his palm. “Can you guys wait outside for a moment?”

  “Why?” asked Stevie. “You gonna get all mushy mushy?”

  “Out!”

  “You don’t have to yell. I’m sensitive.”

  “Right.”

  The boys walked outside and closed the door behind them.

  “Okay, James. I’m back. And the answer to your question is yes. I love her.”

  “What did she say when you told her? She loves you too, right?”

  “I never told her.”

  “Oh. Mr. McLeod is calling me so I need to get off the phone. But I don’t think you should let Natalie marry that other guy. She’s very pretty. And she smells good.”

  Giovanni laughed. “I agree with you there. I like the way she smells too.”

  “I’ll call you again. Is that okay?”

  “Of course it’s okay. Thanks for the advice. You’re very wise for your age.”

  *****

  Natalie sat at the kitchen table eating pancakes with Federico. She moaned with every bite. “These are the best, Nono. I could eat these every day. How about I just live with you forever and forget about men?”

  He shook his head. “That would not be a very satisfying life. Yes, we would be able to enjoy things together but I won’t be here forever. Besides, you need more.”

  “Like pancakes?”

  He chuckled. “Yes, like pancakes. But true satisfaction of life comes from the love of someone you are intimate with. There is nothing like it in the world. I’ve had amazing moments in my life, but the most satisfying, the most memorable, and the most fulfilling moments were the ones I shared with Olive.”

  “That’s sweet.”

  “She was an angel. And that’s when you know you have someone special! When you believe a person is an angel.”

  Giovanni was not an angel. More like a god. Good-looking, kind, generous, compassionate, and she loved his sense of humor.

  Wait. Why was she thinking of Giovanni again?

  Fudge!

  Not good. She was getting married tomorrow and she was thinking of another man. She needed to get her shit together and—

  Federico pointed to her fork. “How long are you going to hold that bite of pancake in the air?”

  Natalie stared at the fork. “Oh.” She popped i
t in her mouth and moaned again.

  “I can see that you are preoccupied with things. This is normal. They call it the pre-wedding jitters, no?”

  She nodded. “I guess.” She felt her eyes water.

  Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

  A tear hit the table. Then another.

  Federico stood up and kissed her on the forehead. “Bambina. Everything is going to be okay. All you have to do is follow your heart.”

  She sobbed and choked out the words, “Follow my heart?”

  “Yes! The heart always knows.”

  She sniffed and wiped her nose. “How do you know all of this? Are you making it up to try to make me feel better?”

  He smiled. “When you’re not around I read Oprah Magazine.”

  She laughed out loud and snorted. “I love you, Nono.”

  “I love you too.”

  She analyzed him for a moment. “Do you miss Nana?”

  He smiled. “She’s here with me. I can feel her in the house as I do my day-to-day things. And sometimes I hear her voice.”

  Natalie, now full of curiosity, put down her fork. “What does she say?”

  “Don’t forget to take out the garbage.”

  Natalie playfully smacked her grandfather on the arm. “I thought it was going to be something romantic! That is not romantic. Does she say anything else?”

  He nodded. “She thanks me for making her feel loved. For treating her as if she was the only woman in the world. And for not complaining about all of her kisses.”

  “Who would complain about that?”

  “Exactly! It’s an expression of love and I could never deny her that. Besides, I loved them. They were little shots of energy in my day. Like espresso, only sweeter.”

  She smiled and rubbed the top of his hand.

  And there went her mind again…back to Giovanni's kiss. Jacks never kissed her like that.

  She sighed and pretended to clean the kitchen window. Giovanni was nowhere in sight. And why would he be? She told him to take a hike.

  She went to her room and plopped on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. What was her heart telling her? She was getting mixed signals. Or maybe that was her brain trying to get involved. One thing was for sure, if she wasn’t one hundred percent sure her doubts were real, she would proceed forward as planned.

  She would marry Jacks.

  Chapter Seventeen

  This could be quite possibly the stupidest thing Giovanni had ever done in his life. Well, second if you count kissing a woman at her wedding rehearsal, of course. And let’s face it, there’s no way that could be overlooked.

  It was Natalie’s wedding day and Giovanni and the boys were rushing out the door to her wedding to stop her from marrying Jacks.

  Was he insane? Yeah, probably.

  And maybe he would return later without the girl and a second black eye. But the pain of that second black eye would be a thousand times less than the pain of regret. He felt anxiety pumping through his veins. He was excited, but also wanted to puke his guts out.

  Stevie unlocked the doors to his Cadillac.

  Danny paused and looked under the car. “I see a wet spot underneath your Caddy, Stevie. You’re leaking shit.”

  Stevie wiped a water stain off the hood with the bottom of his shirt. “The only wet spot I will ever have in my life is the one I have to occasionally sleep in. As for the car, this is a finely-tuned, well-oiled machine. I’ve told you a thousand times that this baby is in cherry condition. Get in.”

  Giovanni looked under the car and confirmed what Danny had said. “I think Danny is right. It definitely looks like you’re leaking shit.”

  “I ain’t leaking shit!”

  “Are you blind?”

  “No. I am not blind, smart ass. That shit was already there.”

  “How do you know that shit was already there?”

  “I just know, you know? It was already there. Now enough of this shit about that shit. Get in the car.”

  The boys got in the car and Danny turned to Stevie. “You better not be leaking shit. You know how important this day is for Giovanni? He found his balls and is going to get the girl!”

  “I am telling you…I am not leaking shit!”

  Fifteen minutes later Stevie was driving up the hill to Thousand Castles Winery. The boys were admiring the view from up above when the engine started to hesitate.

  Then the engine died.

  Stevie pulled his Cadillac on to the side of the road. “Nobody better not say shit about shit.”

  “Can I at least say something about your use of the English language?” said Danny. “It’s horrific.”

  “No.”

  “That was like a double or triple negative, you know? You shouldn’t do that.”

  Stevie gave Danny a look.

  Danny threw his palms up. “What?”

  Stevie popped open the hood and smoke billowed out.

  Danny imitated Stevie. “This is a finely-tuned, well-oiled machine. You know this baby is in cherry condition. Blah, blah, blah, bullshit. If Giovanni doesn’t get the girl it’s all your fault!”

  Stevie pointed to the engine. “This is just a coincidence. It has nothing to do with the wet spot on the street.”

  “Right.”

  The boys heard a car coming and all turned to watch a white van coming in their direction. The van had printing on the side that said “Eagle Bridge Bakery, Owner - Phil Jackson.”

  The van driver stopped in the middle of the street and rolled down his window. He was wearing a white baker’s jacket with a company logo.

  “Hey,” said the driver.

  “Hey,” said Stevie.

  “Hey,” said Danny.

  “Hey,” said Giovanni.

  The driver pointed to Stevie’s car. “Not a good place to break down.”

  Stevie stared at the car. “Is there such a thing?”

  “What?”

  “A good place to break down?”

  The driver thought for a moment and looked at the car. “How about in front of Disneyland?”

  Danny nodded. “That’s a pretty good place.”

  Stevie agreed. “Can’t argue with that. Can you give us a lift?”

  “I can’t. I am going up to the winery for a wedding.”

  “Then why did you stop if you can’t help us?”

  The driver thought about it for a moment. He opened his mouth and then closed it.

  “Forget the question,” said Stevie. “We’re going to the wedding too so could you please give us a lift?

  The driver pointed to the van. “There are no seats in the back. Just the cake.”

  “No big deal. We’ll squat. It’s just up the hill.”

  “Okay.”

  Giovanni pointed to Stevie’s car. “What about the car?”

  Stevie looked back at his car. “It’ll be okay here. This is a private road. I’ll get it towed after the wedding. We’ve got more important things to worry about now. Like making sure the bride doesn’t marry—”

  Giovanni slapped Stevie on the arm.

  The driver stared at Stevie, waiting for him to continue. He looked a little suspicious.

  “…Until we get there! We don’t want to miss the wedding. Let’s go!”

  Good recovery.

  Stevie sat in the passenger seat and Danny and Giovanni jumped in the back of the van and squatted next to the cake.

  Giovanni felt like an idiot, but at least it would get him where he needed to be.

  Danny leaned in toward to the cake and inhaled deeply through his nose. “What type of cake is this?”

  The driver looked in the rear view mirror. “Red velvet with cream cheese frosting.”

  “Really.” Danny eyed the cake again and took another whiff. He reached his index finger out toward the cake and Giovanni grabbed it and held on to it.

  “Don’t even think about it,” whispered Giovanni.

  “Just a touch on the finger tip,” he whispered back. �
��They won’t even notice.”

  “No.”

  They played tug of war with Danny’s finger until the one thing Giovanni didn’t want to happen, happened. Danny’s finger slipped from his grip and flew into the side of the cake along with his entire fist. The cake now had a hole in the side of it the size of a softball.

  Giovanni couldn’t hold back his shock. “Son of a baracuda!”

  The driver slowed the van but didn’t stop it completely. He looked in the rear view mirror again and asked, “Everything okay?”

  Giovanni waved to him. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. It’s just…I left the wedding gift at home.”

  “Ahhh. No big deal. The bride and groom don’t usually open their gifts until they get home from their honeymoon.”

  “Okay. Good to know.”

  “Hey, what’s that noise?”

  That noise happened to be Danny licking the frosting off his hand like a mad man. Or more like a dog that was giving himself a bath. He was very thorough, but when he started to moan Giovanni punched him in the arm.

  “Ouch!”

  The driver slowed the van down again. “Now what?”

  “Nothing. I just have a hangnail that’s a bitch!”

  Giovanni did his best to patch up the cake, but only made it look worse. They arrived at the winery at the top of the hill and it started to rain. The boys got out and thanked the driver for the lift. A large group of people ran by them into the winery.

  “What’s going on?” asked Giovanni.

  “Looks like they moved the ceremony inside,” said the driver. “They do that when it rains. There’s a wine cellar they use as a backup ceremony site.”

  The driver moved around to the back of the van to pull the cake out.

  “Quick,” said Giovanni to Danny and Stevie. “Let’s get inside.”

  Danny pointed toward the car in front of the entrance. “Nice ride!”

  It was Jacks’ Camaro. On display for everyone to see. Of course. On the back window of the car, it said, “Jacks & Natalie Forever.”

  Right.

  Not if Giovanni could help it.

  Stevie ran his hand along the roof of the car. “This, my friends, is a 1969 Chevrolet Camaro ZL1.” He looked through the window. “And it looks like it’s been restored to original factory specifications. Unbelievable. This is one of the rarest muscle cars in the world.”

  Giovanni shrugged. “It’s nice, but still. It’s just a car.”