You Said Forever

by Susan Lewis

  ‘Have you ever considered that Chloe might be better off with a parent, or parents, who have no other children to distract them?’ Pania had said.

  It was what had tipped her over the edge, she was in no doubt of it, and realising she was starting to feel panicky again, she took several breaths and reminded herself over and over that it was only a suggestion that she didn’t have to agree with, much less go along with.

  ‘Mummy,’ Chloe whispered, putting her head around the door.

  Seeing her sweet, frightened face, Charlotte held out her arms and Chloe ran straight into them.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Chloe sobbed. ‘I didn’t mean to make you ill. I wasn’t really going to run away. I promise.’

  ‘I know, I know,’ Charlotte murmured, tears starting in her own eyes as she stroked Chloe’s hair. ‘Don’t upset yourself now. Everything’s going to be all right. I promise. Everything’s going to turn out just fine.’

  With her mother and Rick helping Rowan to take care of the children and cellar door, and Bob overseeing everything at the winery, it was easy for Charlotte and Anthony to escape for two days, even to put everything out of their minds for a while. They really were in sore need of spending some time together, of rediscovering the importance of having fun, feeling close and making love, which was why Charlotte had yet to mention anything about her decision to take Chloe to England. She didn’t want to spoil this special time at Lake Taupo, and she knew that once they got on to the subject of the future everything would change. They’d talk about nothing else; there might even be no more lovemaking, and she really didn’t want that to happen any time soon.

  It wasn’t that she’d forgotten how powerfully he could make her want him, or how aroused she became simply to watch his hands on her body, or to see his beloved eyes darkening with desire, she simply hadn’t allowed herself the time these past months to connect with it. Now, she felt that they had returned to being a part of the same world, the same marriage, and even during the moments they weren’t making love they were together in a way they hadn’t been in too long.

  It was early evening now, and they were lying on the same bed they had shared during their honeymoon here at Tauhara Sunrise Lodge. It might not be as grand as some places around Taupo, but it was certainly as luxurious, and with its spectacular view of the lake through the vast picture window of their private cottage, it was infinitely more romantic.

  Charlotte was resting against Anthony’s shoulder, a sheet barely covering her as she gazed across the water to the mountain beyond known as the pregnant lady. She was remembering how Anthony had run his hands over her pregnant belly the last time they were here, how close they’d felt then with Cooper on the way, and how they’d even discussed naming the baby after the mountain.

  ‘Tauhara,’ Anthony murmured.

  Charlotte turned to him.

  ‘Isn’t that the name of the mountain?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes,’ she smiled, ‘the same as the lodge. I was just trying to remember it and here you are answering my questions without me even asking.’

  ‘Let that be a warning,’ he teased. ‘I can read your mind.’

  Thankful that he couldn’t while she was hiding so much, she sat up and reached for a robe. This was their last night; they were driving home tomorrow, so she needed to talk to him now.

  After pouring them both a Scotch, she watched him slip into his own robe and went to join him on the sofa.

  ‘You’re looking worried,’ he told her as she touched her glass to his.

  She attempted a smile. ‘I have something to tell you that isn’t going to be easy.’

  Though his eyes narrowed, his tone was light as he said, ‘Whatever it is, I’m on your side.’

  Knowing there was a chance he might not be once she’d revealed her plans, she bolstered her courage with a sip of Scotch.

  To her relief the first words came easily enough. ‘I’ve decided to take Chloe to England.’

  Clearly surprised, he said, ‘When?’

  ‘Soon. I think she needs to go.’

  ‘You mean so you can prove her birth mother’s dead and her father’s in prison?’

  ‘Partly, but she doesn’t really need proof of that; she knows it’s true. I just think going there, or getting away from here for a while, might do us both some good.’

  He remained silent, waiting for her to continue.

  Taking a breath she said, ‘The day I collapsed I had received a call from the young woman at CYFS. She said that she’d discussed Chloe with a psychologist colleague and they wanted to bring me in on a theory – did she call it a theory? She might not have used that word … Anyway, what they were wondering was whether Chloe might benefit from being an only child.’

  Anthony frowned. ‘But she’s already got a brother and sister, so …’ He stopped as suspicion sharpened his eyes. ‘Please don’t tell me you’re planning to leave us and be a mother to her in England.’

  It had crossed her mind, but how could she give up her own children and the man she loved to go and live a life she didn’t want? ‘No, that’s not what I’m saying.’

  ‘Then you need to spell it out.’

  Taking another fortifying sip of her drink, she said, ‘It didn’t really come as a shock to me when the woman from CYFS said what she did … Well, it did, I hated it, I wanted to scream at her that she was a fool and they had no right to be making such a terrible suggestion for a girl who was a very important part of our family …’ She put a hand to her head as the horror of those moments unsteadied her.

  ‘Charlotte …’

  ‘No, you have to listen, please. I’m not saying I think they’re right, but I need to talk to someone I know and trust, someone who knows all about Chloe and her history, and that person is in England.’

  ‘You’re talking about Wendy, your old boss?’

  Charlotte nodded.

  After mulling this over for a while, he said, ‘And what if she agrees with the suggestion?’

  Charlotte’s eyes closed as her heart wrenched. ‘I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to deal with that when, if, it happens, but if you think about it you’ll see that it does make a certain sense for Chloe to be an only child. She’s different to other children. She shouldn’t be, and wouldn’t be if she hadn’t been born to such terrible parents. We can’t erase that, any more than we can wipe out the damage that’s been done. It haunts her, it drives her and as time goes on it’s getting worse.’ She took a breath. ‘We both know she hasn’t been happy since the others came along, especially since Elodie … I guess it’s because of having another girl in the family. My attention’s split three ways now instead of one, actually more ways if we include you and the business. However we look at it, she’s a child with far greater needs than most, and this past year has shown us that we’re not dealing with them. We’re doing our best, but …’ Her hand went up as he seemed about to interrupt. ‘I know you’re going to say I’m jumping ahead, that we need to hear from the school, to explore all the possible backup we could get here, but I need to do something now and this feels right.’

  ‘OK, I can see that, but you’re her world, Charlotte. You’ve got to know that whatever anyone says you can’t possibly give her to somebody else, somebody you don’t even know. It’ll break her heart and it’ll break yours.’

  Knowing he was right, Charlotte wanted to howl and cry with despair as she said, ‘It might not come to that. I’m hoping, praying it won’t, but you have to ask yourself, what if it is best for her? What if it’s best for our family?’

  ‘How can it be? Charlotte, have you forgotten how hard you fought for her? Yes, she’s a handful …’

  ‘She’s more than that and you know it, and I’ve no idea how much worse it might get. But what I do know, or what I’m afraid of, is that she’s already done things to Elodie …’

  He became very still. His eyes were at their fiercest as he regarded her, taking in the enormity of what she’d just said. ‘What sort of thin
gs?’ he growled. ‘Jesus Christ. How long have you kept this from me?’

  ‘A few days, no more. I needed to be sure before I told you because I knew you wouldn’t want her to stay if it was happening …’

  ‘And is it?’

  ‘The only way I can be certain is to take Elodie to a doctor …’

  ‘So you did. And?’

  ‘I didn’t, I couldn’t, because I was afraid that they’d end up taking her away.’

  Clearly stunned by the answer, he said, ‘So you let it carry on? Christ, Charlotte …’

  ‘No, of course I didn’t. As soon as I suspected I made sure never to let them be alone together.’

  ‘We need some proper answers to this,’ he told her darkly. ‘We have to take Elodie to a doctor …’

  ‘Don’t you think I want to, but you and I both know what powers the authorities have when it comes to child protection. If they thought Elodie was in any danger they could take her …’ She broke off as he got to his feet and started to pace, afraid of what he must be thinking, of what he was going to say next.

  After pouring himself another drink he came back to the window and stood staring at the darkening sky. Only he knew what terrible emotions were raging away inside him, but Charlotte could imagine.

  After a while, she said, ‘I thought I’d ask your sister, Maggie, if Chloe and I could stay there for a while. I’d ask my own sister, but …’

  Turning around, he said, ‘Maggie’s the right choice, she’ll help you …’ Suddenly realising how close she was to the edge, he went to her quickly and pulled her into his arms. ‘It’ll be OK,’ he assured her. ‘You’re doing the right thing, getting advice from someone you know, someone who did everything in her power to make it possible for you to adopt Chloe. She’ll know what to do for the best.’

  Though Anthony felt sick to his stomach about what might have been happening to Elodie, it was the thought of Chloe going to England and never returning that was really tearing him apart by the time they drove home the following day. He simply couldn’t see how they’d be able to live with themselves if they ended up letting her go. But allowing her to stay if she was harming Elodie … They couldn’t permit even the slightest possibility of Elodie becoming a victim of abuse – any more than they could run the risk of her being taken into care.

  Reaching for Charlotte’s hand, he gave it a comforting squeeze. There was absolutely no question of him telling her about the trouble they were in at the vineyard; she didn’t need any more to be coping with, and since there was nothing she could do anyway the problems had to remain entirely his.

  ‘Have you discussed any of this with your mother yet?’ he asked, as they approached Havelock North.

  Charlotte was staring blindly out of the window as she shook her head. ‘She’ll be upset when I tell her, obviously, but she’ll understand when I explain about Elodie, and what some experts think about the benefits of a traumatised child being an only child. I’m hoping she might stay on to take care of you all while I’m gone.’

  Feeling certain that Anna would, he said, ‘How long do you think that’ll be?’

  ‘I’m not sure. A few weeks. I don’t want to be away from the little ones for any longer than that, or you, but in this instance deciding what’s best for Chloe has to come first.’

  He didn’t argue, because he agreed, but thinking of the ordeal that lay ahead for Charlotte was bothering him a lot.

  ‘You know what I’m finding really hard right now?’ Charlotte said, gazing out at the familiar shops and cafes of the village as they drove through. ‘It’s how thrilled she’s going to be when I tell her we’re going to England, just her and me.’

  It’s very late, but I’m too excited to go to sleep. Mummy and I are flying to England tomorrow, just us, no one else, not even Anthony or Cooper or Elodie. We’re going to stay with Auntie Maggie and Uncle Ron in their new house by the seaside, and we’ll be doing all sorts of things while we’re there. I’ve already thought up lots of ideas, but I’m keeping them a secret from Mummy so they’ll be a surprise.

  My real daddy’s friend wants to know when I’m going to get there so we can meet, but I can’t give him Auntie Maggie’s address because I don’t know it yet. I’m not sure I want to see him anyway. He’s been asking me to do all sorts of bad things lately, like sending him pictures of Elodie with no clothes on, or showing her how to feel nice between the legs. It’s wrong to do that, even though it really does feel nice. Elodie’s too little, and he should know better.

  I’m beginning to think he’s the kind of man who’d do the same to her as my real daddy did to me, but I don’t ever think about that because it was horrible and wrong and I was really, really scared of him.

  I think I might leave Boots behind to show that I’m growing up now. He’ll be sad without me, but I’ll be coming back so he doesn’t need to worry.

  I wish I could go to sleep, because when I wake up it’ll be time to leave and I’ll be the happiest, most excitedest girl in the whole wide world.

  Chapter Eleven

  Almost five years had passed since Charlotte had left Kesterly-on-Sea, but for how alien it felt with its dreary Victorian town houses and tired old promenade, not to mention the dismal weather and oppressively low skies, it could have been twenty-five years. Here the sea was grey, the surf muddied and tame, while the trees rose nakedly between empty flower beds and the beach was littered and sad. To be fair she’d come straight from a New Zealand summer into the middle of an English winter, so the town clearly wouldn’t be at its best. In the height of the season it came alive with tourists, novelty stalls, fish-and-chip shops, donkeys, weird and wonderful street acts, and sunshine if they were lucky.

  She’d obviously become so integrated into New Zealand that she was finding it hard to connect with the fact that this had been her home for the best part of thirty years. True, she’d lived in a village about half an hour inland, but Kesterly was where she’d gone to school, attended college and to where she’d returned after uni to start her career in child protection for the local authority. She used to love it here, had never imagined leaving – now she couldn’t imagine ever coming back.

  ‘Almost there,’ Ron said, casting a smile her way. He was Anthony’s brother-in-law and couldn’t have resembled a slimline Santa more if he’d tried. Like his wife, Maggie, who was waiting for them at home, he was almost fifteen years older than Anthony, but that didn’t mean they weren’t close as a family, for Maggie adored her brother. She and Ron had come to visit every Christmas since Anthony had left, and they were in regular contact by email or Skype.

  There hadn’t been too many Skype calls recently, which Charlotte felt bad about, even though she knew Maggie and Ron understood what a busy time of year this was in Hawkes Bay.

  ‘Is she still asleep?’ Ron asked as a red light brought them to a stop at the junction of the promenade and North Road.

  Glancing over her shoulder to check on Chloe, Charlotte felt a rush of emotion tightening her throat. What memories did Chloe have of this place, most particularly the road to their left that Charlotte knew Ron would be careful to avoid? It was where Chloe had spent the first three torturous years of her life until Charlotte had found and rescued her. The house didn’t exist any more; it had been pulled down soon after the discovery of the paedophile ring Chloe’s father had operated from a studio shed in the back garden. Apparently the flats built to replace it had recently been converted into a nursing home, but Charlotte had no idea if that were true; nor did she have any inclination to find out.

  ‘Yes, she’s still sleeping,’ she said, turning back as they drove on. ‘She’s been very excited about coming.’ It was heart-wrenchingly true, and now they were here Charlotte was wishing with all her soul that the visit was about something else. But if she didn’t talk to Wendy and at least get some advice there was every chance the authorities in New Zealand would take Chloe in order to keep Elodie safe, and Charlotte simply couldn’t allow that to happe
n.

  Yet she was considering allowing them to take her here in England?

  ‘Don’t think about it now,’ Anthony had advised when she’d called from the airport while Ron took Chloe to get a drink. ‘You need time to get over the jet lag, it won’t be possible to think straight about anything until you do.’

  How she wished Anthony was with her now, yet at the same time it was a great comfort to know that he was with Cooper and Elodie. She could hardly bear to think of Cooper’s tears when she and Chloe had left; he’d been desperate to come too, had clung to her begging her to forgive him for being naughty – he’d thought he was being punished – until Anthony had taken him away with a reminder that he needed help to run the vineyard. Chloe’s smugness that she was the only one Mummy wanted to take with her hadn’t helped at all. Had it not been for the truth of why they were going, and how harrowingly it might end, Charlotte might have given her a sharp telling-off; as it was she’d had to leave it to Anthony to warn Chloe that there would be no trip for her either if she didn’t behave more kindly.

  ‘Of course, you haven’t been to the new house yet, have you?’ Ron said chattily as they headed along the coast road towards the lower rises of Westleigh Park Mount. ‘Maggie can’t wait to show you.’

  ‘And I can’t wait to see it,’ Charlotte replied truthfully. She knew it was one of the smart Georgian villas on exclusive Trefford Avenue overlooking the estuary, but neither her past lifestyle, nor journey home to Mulgrove village had given her cause to go that way often.

  ‘Ah, here she is,’ Ron declared as his mobile rang, and clicking on to the hands-free he said to Maggie, ‘We’re about five minutes away.’

  ‘How are you feeling, Charlotte?’ Maggie asked. ‘Did you manage to nap in the car?’

  ‘A little,’ Charlotte replied. ‘Chloe’s still out for the count, so it looks like she’ll be up half the night.’

  ‘Not to worry about that, we’ll soon have her straightened out. Anthony just rang wanting to know if you’d arrived yet. He said he’ll call again when he gets to the winery.’