by Sarah Price
“Oh Abe,” she cried, wiping at the tears that fell from her eyes. “You just don’t understand!”
Turning around, she ran to the door, her hands covering her mouth as if holding back the sob that threatened to escape.
Leah
It was coming close to the end of the day, and Leah knew that she should return the call to Deborah and inform her that Whoopie Pie Place would be able to deliver that large order for the convention. Of course, they needed to discuss pricing but Leah felt confident that Deborah would be fair. She had come to that conclusion after reviewing their bills. Regardless of whatever was in their pending order book, Leah knew that these two new orders were desperately needed. Although finances were fairly good, Leah always liked to make sure they had a reserve to get them through the winter months when the tourists weren’t as plentiful. And, in the back of her mind, there was that nagging and recurring feeling that in the future, excess funds may be needed.
The sisters had spent a few minutes during a lag time between tour buses to discuss the logistics of how they would be able to fulfill such a large demand of their baked goods in such a short period of time. With the help of the kinner and some benevolent neighbors, they had figured out how to manage it. They all knew that it would be a rough few days around the delivery date, but deliver the goods they would!
After the other sisters had left, Leah had spent a few lone minutes scribbling notes on a pad of paper. She would have to put in an order for more ingredients to prepare for the onslaught of baking. The good news was that they could certainly shut down the store during the week preceding both events. Tourists rarely came through after Labor Day weekend. She just made a mental note to inform Laverne in advance.
Something else was troubling her. Setting down her pencil, she placed her chin into the palm of her hand and stared out the open door. Manny had surprised her, stopping at the store during the busy day to see Sadie. And when Leah had opened the door, it sure looked like an intimate moment had just passed, with his one hand pressed on the side of the store while his other played with the end of her ribbon. How many times had Leah told Sadie to tie those ribbons! It just wasn’t proper, she thought as she scowled. But the look in his eye was what bothered her. She knew far too well how those young men were with the girls. And Manny sure hadn’t asked Sadie for her hand yet. Leah hoped he wasn’t trying to take advantage of her youngest sister by stealing kisses and holding her hand! She made a mental note to talk to her sister about that once again.
Upon closing up the bakery for the day, Leah felt genuinely exhausted. Although it had been a good day, one with little animosity other than some bickering between Susie and Lydia, for which she prayed a quick “Thank You” to God, she found that she didn’t have the strength to face making supper or cleaning the house. She just wanted to sit and think, reflect on the day and shut her eyes. She had gotten up too early that morning and still needed to take the laundry down from the line, unless one of the kinner had thought to do so.
As Leah walked down the lane and approached the family farmhouse, her brother Jacob stopped her with a simple hand wave. He had been in the barn, shoveling some manure from the main aisle when he saw her. Setting down the shovel, he hurried toward her.
“Have you seen Tobias today?” he asked, a frown on his face. “He was to help me and I have not seen hide or hair of him.”
A dark cloud passed over Leah. What now? She wondered. Leah frowned. “He hadn’t felt well last evening. But he had promised to help Thomas with the chores.” A wave of panic washed over her. “I sure hope he’s not coming down with something again.”
Jacob shook his head. “That boy ain’t sick,” he scoffed “What he needs is to learn some responsibility. When he makes a commitment, he needs to fulfill it.”
Here we go again, Leah told herself, but held back her tongue. At thirty-one, Jacob was old enough to have six or more kinner of his own but he had married later in life and a much younger woman at that. His wife had been pregnant several times but miscarried twice. Their only child was a four-year-old girl who loved to play with Leah’s boy, Henry, but certainly gave no relief to Jacob with chores.
To that end, Jacob tended to rely on Tobias, despite him helping out the sisters at the store and having his own chores to do. As a result, Jacob had his own fair share of complaints concerning their youngest brother. Leah found herself continually defending Tobias.
“Ja, Jacob,” she replied carefully. “But you know he isn’t the normal boy.”
Jacob waved his hand at her, dismissing what she had just said. “By the Lord’s stars, you sure do pamper him, Leah. He is over his sickness and, despite your coddling, Tobias is a normal boy.”
There was no winning an argument against Jacob. If Leah took after her mamm, Jacob took after their daed. He was as godly an Amish man as they came and that meant that hard work and no excuses were the only two options. She sighed and said, “I will speak to him when I get home.”
As she continued walking down the lane, she felt a sense of dread wash over her. No, she thought. Tobias is not a normal boy. Worse yet, she feared he wasn’t feeling well. Why couldn’t others see this? Why was she the only one who seemed to understand how fragile her brother’s health was? Even more troubling, why didn’t Jacob, of all people, seem to care?
Susie
In that one peaceful moment, Susie listened to the birds chirping outside of her kitchen window. Mourning doves. She could tell by the mournful coo-ah, coo, coo, coo of their calls. If she didn’t know any better, they were just outside of her window, nesting in the big pine tree near the house. In the distance, she could hear the cows of the neighboring farm. It was peaceful to listen to the sounds of life outside of the home.
Susie sighed. How she wished that her nights were, indeed, more peaceful ones ! But as of late, she found herself lying awake for the greater part of the night, dreading the morning light when she would have to rise and face a long, tiring day; A day that would typically start off with harsh words and accusations that she did her best to ignore but knew she wouldn’t be able to handle for much longer.
Earlier that particular morning, after a quick glance at the windup clock on the top of her dresser she had realized that in order to have time for all that she needed to get done before leaving for the bakery, she would have to move quickly; very quickly. Yet, something deep inside of her just couldn’t do it. Something seemed to be preventing her from doing it. She had been too sluggish lately, completely lacking any sort of energy. Despite her long list of to-dos, she had wanted to simply blink her eyes and disappear from the house, magically reappearing at the bakery with her hands full of flour and sugar.
Now, in the quiet of the kitchen, after returning home from the bakery, while the kinner were outside tending to the evening chores, Susie suppressed a sigh. Soon, the kinner would come into the house, a precursor to Merv’s own entrance. The evening would commence with loud, unruly noise from the kinner and no way for Susie to reprimand them. To do so would be an invitation for Merv to rebuke her. It seemed as if anything she did just irritated him further. The last thing she needed was a full-blown outburst on his part.
She remembered how, just that very morning, Merv had greeted the day. After he had stirred and stretched, he had rolled over and opened his eyes, blinking twice when he had realized she was still lying in bed next to him. Immediately, his eyes had narrowed and three deep wrinkles appeared on his forehead. “Aren’t you up yet?” he had grumbled.
“Nee,” she replied softly. “I am on my way.”
His next words had cut through her like a knife. “You have become something of a lazy woman, Susie!” Inwardly, she had groaned at his words, knowing what was coming next. “Not completing your chores and always running off to that bakery.” He had scowled when he added the all-too-familiar accusation that hurt worse than being physically abused: “You are neglecting your duties!”
Every evening, she held her breath and waited for what dir
ection his mood would take him. She felt as though she walked on egg shells, hoping that the night would be a peaceful one, one without conflict and criticism.
It hadn’t always been this way. She often tried to dig into her memory, fighting to identify when everything had changed. Surely Merv hadn’t been this way during their courtship, she reminded herself. So what had occurred to make him so verbally abusive toward her and only her?
Susie had been fifteen when she had met Merv at a youth singing. She had noticed his sparkling eyes and broad shoulders immediately and whispered to one of her friends, inquiring as to who he was. She quickly had found out that Merv Stutzman was visiting his cousin Daniel for the summer.
Despite her initial interest, which he had been made aware of, Merv had not seemed interested in much more than hanging around with his friends. She noticed that he disappeared outside frequently and eventually left the gathering completely. If she had been disappointed, she hadn’t let it show.
It had been the following week when the youth held a volleyball game on Saturday evening that she ran into Merv Stutzman a second time. Once again, he had acted rather standoffish, preferring the company of his friends to meeting new people. Susie had watched him, realizing that he was just shy. She had decided that the only thing to do was to approach him directly in order to get him to talk.
He hadn’t seemed very interested in conversation when she had tried to start one with him. Yet, to her surprise, he had asked to take her home in a borrowed buggy. That had been the beginning of their courtship. For the rest of the summer, he always asked to take her home from gatherings. Yet, he remained quiet during those rides, rarely engaging in any discussion. Susie had decided to fill in the silence with her own chatter, hoping that he might lose his shyness and begin to open up to her.
It never happened.
When the harvesting time came to an end, so did Merv’s visit. Without a word, he had returned to Kentucky where his family lived.
For a few weeks, Susie had written to Merv, hoping to find out if he intended to return to Ohio. But her letters had gone unanswered. Susie tried asking Daniel about his cousin, but Daniel would divert the questions. Susie had a sense that something was wrong. As the seasons changed and there was still no word from Merv, Susie became depressed. So much so that her mother took notice. Out of concern for her daughter, Miriam had approached Daniel’s mother in the hopes of finding out more information about Merv. From the moment she did, Merv’s name was rarely mentioned again in the Miller home . Susie was encouraged to forget Merv.
It was the spring when Susie turned eighteen that Merv returned to his cousin’s farm but nothing was ever mentioned by anyone as to either why he had returned or why he had left so abruptly. No one asked, including Susie. It took him six weeks to finally approach Susie and ask to take her home in his buggy. And when he did, Susie noticed that he was a changed person. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but he was, indeed, different.
After only seeing Susie for a month, he had surprised her by requesting that she’d marry him that fall. Against the wishes of her father, for reasons he wouldn’t mention, both Merv and Susie joined the church and were married at the Miller home that October.
For the first half of their marriage, Merv worked at a local carpentry shop. Within the first four years of their marriage, Susie gave birth to their three kinner: Gid, Sylvia and David. After the birth of David, there had been no more talk of having additional kinner. Not between Merv and Susie. That did not, however, stop the women in the g’may from talking and wondering. After all, the other women in the community knew that, at the age of twenty-eight, Susie was still in her prime childbearing years. There was plenty of speculation as to why they didn’t have more children.
It didn’t help matters that Merv began to have problems with his job. For the first few years of their marriage, he continued to work hard at the cabinetry shop. It was shortly after David’s birth when he began to show up late. There were even days when he didn’t show up at all. Susie had fretted about this, wondering why he slept late or even never left the house at all. The more she asked him what was wrong, the deeper Merv withdrew inside himself.
And then he had been fired.
That had been almost five years ago. Five long years of sullen attitudes and snappy remarks. It was almost as if Merv blamed Susie for his problems. He had managed to find some work outside of the Amish community with another carpenter but that, too, only last for a year. After that, he picked up odd jobs for himself, building things for Englischers. Yet it was sporadic work, certainly not a steady income.
So Susie had picked up the slack by helping Leah with the bakery when their mamm died in the accident.
Her thoughts were interrupted when the door to the kitchen opened. Susie jumped at the noise and braced herself. She had spent the past hour cleaning the kitchen, washing dishes and even scrubbing the floor so that Merv could have no complaints about the house.
“Mamm!” Sylvia said, a smile lighting up her face as she ran inside, carrying a basket full of eggs. “Those chickens sure were ornery this evening! Had to chase them back into the coop! But look what I have!” As she ran toward her mother, she stumbled and dropped the basket. Eggs tumbled out, some cracking and spilling onto the freshly washed floor.
Susie caught her breath and bit her lower lip, wanting to lash out at her dochder but knowing that it had been an accident.
The young girl knelt on the floor, the front of her burgundy dress dirty and wet from broken egg. She lifted her big brown eyes to meet her mother’s and the tears began to fall. “Oh Mamm,” she cried. “I’m so terribly sorry!”
Susie took a deep breath and stepped over eggshells and runny goo to help Sylvia stand. “Now, now,” she said softly, trying to reassure her daughter. “An accident is just that: an accident. But let’s have you hurry upstairs to change. I’ll wash that in the morning, ja?”
As Sylvia scurried up the stairs, sniffling as she did so, Susie sighed and bent down to clean up the broken eggs. Twelve broken and ten cracked, she counted. Could have been worse.
“What is this mess?”
Susie cringed as she heard the words, deep and full of criticism. She looked up and saw Merv standing in the doorway. “Just some broken eggs, tis all,” she mumbled, hating how meek her voice sounded.
“Can’t do anything just right, can you?” he snapped.
Oh, how she wanted to toss one of those cracked eggs at him! She wanted to talk back to him, tell him that it was Sylvia’s mess, not hers! But she knew that it would get her nowhere. So, instead of talking back, she said a silent prayer to God, asking Him for the strength to continue carrying this burden that had been placed on her shoulders, begging Him to help her find the root of Merv’s problems and pleading with Him to continue loving her so that she could be as godly a woman as she wanted to be, free of evil thoughts toward her husband.
Part Three
As you well know, the flesh is weak,
And fears the smallest pain.
So fill us now with your Spirit,
This we ask you from the heart,
That we may remain steadfast unto the end,
And bravely meet the suffering,
Not being fearful of the pain.
Ausbund, Song 61 Verse 2
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.
Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:34
The Garden
Leah sat on the grass by the garden, staring at the neatly planted rows of corn, beans, tomatoes, and squash. The kinner had been weeding a lot recently, so it was almost picture perfect. Each row was lined up with soft mounds of dirt at the root base. In between the rows, there were soft imprints of bare feet from where the girls had walked. A small sparrow landed by the tomatoes and, after quickly looking around, picked at the ground before flying away. The season was ending but her vegetable garden sti
ll harvested plenty of food for her family.
It warmed Leah’s heart that she hadn’t needed to remind Rebecca, Sarah, and Anna to weed the garden. They had taken it upon themselves to see that the garden was weed-free. Leah suspected that Rebecca had taken charge of her younger siblings. At twelve, Rebecca was almost a mini-mother to the other kinner and a true blessing to Leah. Aaron and Amos often helped their daed with chores around the barn and, during the summer, both sons worked with their daed on building those rockers that the tourists liked so much.
It was their younger two sons that worried her. Marcus was only six years old and Henry was only four. They spent most of their time with their aendi Esther so that Leah could work at the bakery. During the week, on the slower days, the boys might join her at the store before the dinner hour, but always in the afternoon, someone other than Leah tended them.
And, of course, there was her brother, Tobias. Light-headed and blue eyed, Tobias was the baby of the family, even though he was almost ready for rumschpringe. She was worried about him to no end. She knew that she would have to find the time to take him back to the doctors if his nausea and fatigue continued. Facts were facts, even if they were ugly ones. It was clear that Tobias was not well.
From behind her, she heard the kitchen door open and footsteps pad across the porch. Leah glanced over her shoulder, wondering who was leaving the house. The younger children were playing in the field down by the stream while the boys were still helping their daed. Sarah had gone visiting with their friends at a neighboring farm, although she was due home at any time to help prepare supper. And Rebecca was walking down the path to the pond, her willowy figure just barely visible on the hill. She was growing so fast, Leah thought. And so tall! In just a few short years, Rebecca would begin her rumschpringe[5] and, without doubt, there would be many Amish boys who would ask her to ride back home with them in their buggies.